step 1 - Al-Anon Family Groups

Kins · Newbie

RE: step 1 - Al-Anon Family Groups

Michelle814 · Member

Here I am. Back at the begining. Its actually easier now that I have done it before. I am powerless. Sometimes I forget or perhaps I just fall into the old groove of the way I did things. I try to control others and get them to agree with me. I try to please people by being whatever way it is I think they want me to be. I forget that I have no control over others and I forget that my life can easily spiral out of control if I do not accept this fact. It helps me to list all the things I am powerless over that I WISH I had power over. Once I can see it in writing it's easier to accept the truth. I am growing, learning, work in progress. I feel very humbled to return to this step again. I try to do it daily but I think I am more in the realm of needing to be formal about it.. working it through talking about it and writing things down helps me. I am very appreciative of this board and the members here! You have all helped me so much.

Wolfie55 · Member

I'm in post overkill mode so i think I'll see if I can catch up to where youre at before you post step 11. Bear with me. I have a twisted sense of humor.

I originally came to Al-Anon because I thought it would be a great place to meet women who knew how to take care of alcoholics. I know Al-Anon suggests that members of other fellowships remain anonymous but that won't work with me. Everyone here already knows anyway.

Well, I quickly found out that I was in Al-Anon for the wrong reason. And as I sat there listening to the members share some lights came on in the dark recesses of my mind. I had grown up in an alcoholic home. My father died from alcoholism. I spent 20 years of my life in a very unhealthy relationship with another alcoholic. I recovered from my own alcoholism within the rooms of AA so practically everyone I knew was alcoholic. So, tell me there wasn't a problem of alcoholism in a family member or friend of mine and I will politely leave.

I had all those feelings of well if i had just been a better son, or if I had just been a better brother or if I had just been a better husband, maybe they wouldn't have drank the way they did. That's because I thought I caused it. I thought it was my fault. And when I tried to control what was an uncontrollable situation, my life became a mess. Later, after I solved my own drinking problem, I tried to help my brother. I tried to fix him so that he could experience the joys that I do. But no matter what I do no matter what I say, he won't stop. That's because I can't cure him. I am powerless over his alcoholism and it kills me to watch him die. What kills me even more is how many others, sponcees of mine, I seemed to have had some effect on, and in my job as an addictions counselor, I seem to help some of them too, but I can't help him.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink water if they prefer beer. All you can do is let them know where the water is and hope they decide to have some.

-- Edited by Wolfie55 on Monday 9th of April 2012 02:19:12 PM

Peachy219 · Newbie

I admit that I am powerless. I just need to keep myself in check. I realize I am addicted to problems. I always think that I can fix them and figure out the solution. This is ok if the problem is a rubik's cube or a puzzle, not so much when it is a person. I spent the past two years trying desperately to "fix" my addict bf. I begged, pleaded, manipulated, gave ultimatums, back peddled, jumped through flaming hoops of fire, tore my hair and beat my breast. I got angry, I got sad, I got down right insane.

Now I'm just breathing. I left him and am working very hard on achieving and maintaining a healthy detachment from his issues. I admit that I have no more control over his decisions, actions and choices than I do over the weather or anything else in the world other than myself. So that is what I am focusing on. My thoughts, My actions, My choices, My attitude.

I come from a long and accomplished line of addicts/alcoholics. And I am no exception. I'm working my own NA program in conjunction with al-anon but I feel it's all related. I'm in NA for my addiction to substances, I'm in here for my addiction to people.

I am feeling very painfully in touch with how powerless I really am at the moment. At times it is an utter relief to throw my hands up and say god's will not mine because things have become SO exceptionally unmanageable in my life. I know there is hope in letting go and I get glimpses of it when I allow myself to get out of my own way, as well as get out of other peoples way.

At other times I find myself getting that "fix it" itch and I just fall into those old thoughts of "well, I see what the problem is here, you just need to... blah blah blah" I see my enormous ego rearing its ugly head when I start automatically thinnking I alone can see the solution to the problems of those around me. I am constantly reminding myself to get out of the way. Let go and let god. I am constantly reminding myself that I can't, god can, I just have to let her. (my HP is an evolving and unfixed concept. sometimes i talk to him, sometimes i talk to her, more and more often I'm trying to just listen to it.)

I am excited and scared about the journey ahead of me. I am excited because it holds the promise of something different, something new. I welcome the opportunity to make brand new mistakes instead of making the same tired mistakes over and over and not learning anything from it. That truly is insanity. I'm scared because I have become comfortable being uncomfortable. I am so used to my destructive and compulsive ways of doing and thinking that it actually scares me to let go of them. They say the devil you know is better than the one you don't and I understand that so well right now. But I'm determined and I'm also taking it easy. The program teaches progress not perfection. I am grateful for this.

So just for today, I am powerless over everything and everyone around me. But that is ok because my HP is very powerful and I am willing to let go and listen.

Chaserchase · Newbie

Be strong stay focus and believe. I'm in the same situation. Trying to work things out with me first. Stay strong

Chaserchase · Newbie

Thank you I have no words but yours have made so much sense. It hit me right in my heart thank you

hyp77 · Newbie

Admittedly, I am powerless today. My triggers are People, Places and Things. More specifically, I am powerless over peoples perceptions of me. The feeling that I am in control over these perceptions because I was seemingly able to portray who I thought they believed me to be is not "me in control" but me in fear.

Other peoples private thoughts, decisions or feelings should not be my concern, nor should they be my responsibility today. Focusing my private feelings, thoughts, or decisions upon others is selfishly refusing focus on my own and "my own" are WORTHY and they are just as important.

Just for today I leave others perceptions of me in the hands of my HP. I make me priority today.

Thank you for letting me share.

-Jason

-- Edited by hyp77 on Friday 15th of June 2012 03:47:20 AM

Neochem · Veteran Member

After reading one very exciting article "how does family influence your life" , I thought about how I feel about myself in the family) You probably do the same noticed that your emotional age decreases in the presence of the people you grew up with (parents, grandparents) This is very interesting. Personally, I feel like a child with my parents. This is depressing for many, as parents are used to imposing their views and beliefs. How do you feel about family?

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