I reconnected with a wonderful person I had met and shared significant time with in my younger days. Though long apart and still geographically separated, we picked up right where they left off and not long after made arrangements to combine households and share our lives together.

The drinking was not out in the open, would make sudden and drastic appearances at some of the worst times. An otherwise wonderful person would turn into someone I didn't recognize, someone who frightened me. I had never seen anything like it; it was horrifying and destructive to everyone involved. We postponed our plans, tried "fixing" the problem ourselves in many ways, many times. When we thought we had it worked out, we moved in together.

Unfortunately, as I have come to know, alcohol is a cunning and powerful disease. Over the next year and a half, there were countless recovery attempts and relapses, rehabs, 911 calls, job loss, and more sadness, helplessness, fear, anxiety, and anger within myself than I had ever known. I was told about AlAnon and after reviewing the basics of the program online, walked into a meeting three days later.

During the meeting intro, I heard the 12 Steps read for the first time. The words of the first step caught my attention and connected with me deeply. I was sitting in that room because I had run out of energy to hang in our relationship any longer, I had run out of hope. I reached a point that I couldn't do it another time. I had tried everything I could I thought, and saw myself demonstrating behavior that I didn't like, that scared me. I loved her, but I couldn't stay with her any longer as things were and I was no longer optimistic that she could stop drinking.

Admitting that my life had become unmanageable met with little internal resistance as I was absolutely maxed out; it was more of a statement of fact. Admitting that I was powerless over anything, however, was a new concept. As I looked around the walls of the room, I saw signs with slogans that I didn't realize were connected to the program, but also one with the 3 "C's": I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it.

I thought about how hard I had tried to control it, to say the right things, make the right plan, system, commitment...I got it...it made sense; no wonder I was exhausted. Alcohol was the first thing I had come up against that I had not been able to figure out, outplan, outmuscle. It just didn't make sense to me how we both knew it was destroying our relationship yet could not beat it.

I had long seen alcoholism as a genetic predisposition to handle alcohol differently, but AlAnon helped me take it one step further and ask myself whether I was handling my qualifier as someone who had a disease. I was not; I was treating her like it was a choice of hers, that she somehow was not invested in our plan like I was, perhaps she lacked the willpower.

I bought the Paths to Recovery (PtR) at my second meeting and it was incredibly helpful for me to wrap my head around the first step, and help set the tone for the value of the Program in other areas of life as well. Meditating on the implications and significance of Step 1 in my life allowed me to feel an incredible relief. I was not the first person to be unable to beat alcohol. It wasn't because I didn't try hard enough, or because she didn't love me. She was as exhausted, sad, fearful, and angry as I was. For the first time, I saw the commonality in our experience rather than me thinking that her behavior was the cause of my pain.

PtR helped me see that if I truly understood and accepted Step 1, my life would become more manageable as I stopped nagging, questioning, monitoring, berating, and coaching. I learned that I cannot force someone to stop drinking, which was huge, but an even bigger concept of Step 1 is that my powerlessness extends to all other aspects of lives outside my own.

Paths to Recovery: "...we are asked to acknowledge our powerlessness over alcohol, the alcoholic, and every person and event we sought to control by our own will power. By letting go of the illusion of control over other people, their actions and their addiction to alcohol, we find an enormous burden is lifted and we begin to discover the freedom and the power we do possess - the power to define and live our own lives. Unmanageability lessons. We begin to see the paths to our own recovery...Step One reminds us of our proper relationship with others - we are powerless over them...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."

Step 1 has been a worldview changer for me. I was able to first see application and utility in my dealings with my qualifier, but the realization that I could, and should, apply that same concept to all of my interactions was staggering and immense...slightly overwhelming at times. But I can say that I have been able to use it as a guide to change the way I dealt with my qualifier, with outstanding results, and with my interactions with everyone else, also with great benefits on both sides.

I took my time with Step 1 because I felt that to rush on without investing time to absorb, explore, and accept the implications and significance would cheat me of the full power of this important step in all aspects of the program moving forward. This is my second time to officially revisit this step; so much has changed since that first time. The power of this step still remains, actually grows stronger for me as I find more ways in my life that benefit when I apply the lessons held within.

Edit notes: I will read through my future posts for word and thought clarity prior to publishing, sorry folks!

-- Edited by Enigmatic on Sunday 19th of July 2015 05:18:21 PM

-- Edited by Enigmatic on Sunday 19th of July 2015 05:26:04 PM

-- Edited by Enigmatic on Sunday 19th of July 2015 05:28:42 PM

My story is some what different in that I was married to a workaholic that I divorced 1 1/2 yrs ago after 30years of marriage. Two years before I left him we became separated in our home and I came to realize that to me he seemed 'sick'. I think it was really only recently after my head has cleared that I realized he is a workaholic and really an alcoholic that doesn't drink. His father was an alcoholic.

The last few years he worked usually 12 hr days and most holidays. I had health problems and he neglected me when I needed help and was in the bed and he did some things that I would consider emotionally abusive. We tried counseling and he warned me if I told anyone that he would never go back. Sadly, he is a minister and I guess he didn't want people to know that he was a 'real' person that had problems like everyone else.

So I finally realized he wasn't going to change anything he was doing so I moved out and got a divorce. Now I am dating an Alcoholic that has been sober 30 years but we deal with some issues also. Our first 6 mos were very happy but he has since changed and our relationship has become more difficult. I know some people tend to be co-dependent and will have a relationship with another Alcoholic after ending one but I met my current A by accident so I don't feel that is an issue. Although there have been some instances where he has seemed manipulative and controlling to me and I have to have the strength not to accept this kind of behavior.

So Al-Anon f2f and this forum has been a God send for me in dealing with both issues. I was so thankful to be in my first Al-Anon meeting but it was very emotional and I cried through the whole meeting.  I have lived in my current city almost 2 years and it is only in the past 3 months or so that I have been able to try and focus on myself and try to concentrate on getting my life back in order.

I have known my life was unmanageable for over a year now but was not willing to take the steps to do anything about it. I am trying to learn how powerless I am towards the A in my life and his behavior but it is still going to be a long process for me. When love is involved we want to overlook their bad qualities and make excuses even when the behavior is repeated. I have been lonely and too often turn to him and go back to him when I had no one else. Now I will have to rely on my f2f group to give me strength if our relationship becomes unmanageable.

I have been trying to learn that I am powerless to change A's behavior, personality and the way he communicates with me. I cannot fix him. Even though he has been through AA and has been sober 30 years he still doesn't seem happy and has anger issues. But those are his issues and I cannot worry about him. I have to learn to take care of myself and restore some peace to my life again.

I am having problems with anxiety when I am alone. Weekends are very hard for me. I try to keep busy doing a few things but end up sleeping part of the day away. Some weekends are worse than others. I have a very hard time thinking too much about my problems at work and my relationship so sleeping becomes a way of escape from it all. I need to work on going somewhere on the weekend just to get out.

Thanks 'Hotrod' for helping with this 'Step work'!!

-- Edited by catlover26 on Sunday 19th of July 2015 07:40:47 AM

Best laid plans.....I wanted to post this morning, yet the day got away from me!

Step One - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.

I am left handed and I think this causes me to look at things backwards often. So - the first word for me that I saw and stuck was the unmanageable portion. That was super easy for me to 'see' and 'feel'. My view of my life, family, home, world, etc. was bleak at best - I was so miserable...

My backstory - I came to Al-Anon from the 'other side'. I've been sober for almost 28 years, met and married another program person. We married in 1991 and had our first child in 1992. Our second child came along in 1994. Between the first and second son, my husband relapsed. I knew it but couldn't prove it and he lied for years so I lived in denial. I was only able to figure out the 'when' as I worked this program and started doing my inventory. It helped me see when things changed and helped me see/know that I wasn't crazy all those years ago when I suspected and smelled alcohol.

I stayed in the marriage for many reasons. Mostly because I felt my sons deserved to know their father, and he has a daughter from another relationship that he never speaks to. He has 7 siblings that he also doesn't engage/talk to. Needless to say, staying may not have been the best choice as my boys learned how to lie, cheat, steal, ignore, manipulate, etc. And, they learned it 'well'.

My oldest son landed in his first treatment center @ 15 years old for H. He landed in state custody shortly thereafter for threatening to kill his brother. He has been in a total of 7 different treatment centers, and finally at 18, got clean/sober. He did go to jail too and has a record. He stayed sober 4.5 years, and relapsed last year in November. He's back to the program, and has been sober about 30 days.

My second son was given alcohol and substances by my AH and A Son to 'keep him quiet'. Needless to say, he's a bit smarter based on observation, and hid much of his issues until he was 17. He's also been in 5 treatment centers, jail and prison. He's never been able to stay clean/sober longer than 60 days and is currently living with another and using. He's just turned 21, so now it's 'legal' for him to drink.

My crazies began when I figured out that my oldest was using heavily. That was shortly after he found alcohol in my AH car, and asked me about open container laws. So - I went from wondering what was going on to holy hell - the sky is falling. I was the glue for the entire family and suddenly realized that all was not well in the world, and my home was a war zone. There was perpetual fighting, screaming, cursing, yelling, holes in walls, police visits, etc. Every day was worse than the next and no peace was found - in spite of my own program and efforts.

I was too full of shame to discuss what was happening at my home with my children. I had no issue throwing my AH under the bus and did discuss that part of my world in meetings. I had left my job to manage our chaos and felt abused, ashamed, exhausted, angry, alone and like the biggest failure in the world. Clearly, I had parented so wrong to have 2 children and they both be As.

I decided I needed to work on me 'harder'. So, I got a new sponsor and did not know it when we connected, but she came to the other side from Al-Anon. She's also a counselor. As we began working together and I began to share all that was going on, she strongly suggested Al-Anon. I decided I would think about it and was googling one night about how to fix my son, and landed here at MIP.

The lovely members here were patient, kind, and loving. Three things that I desperately needed without knowing it. I had been the rock, the parent, the probation officer, the bill payer, etc. for so, so long - I didn't even realize how isolated I was and how absolutely insane I was. They let me vent, they let me share, they let me cry, etc. and all answered with loving responses and ... of course, the suggestion of F2F meetings.

So, I made a plan to attend a F2F meeting. I was scared and resistant only because I still wanted to 'fix' my boys. It took me a long while to admit defeat about powerlessness with regards to them, but it got easier with the program and them getting to legal age.

That's a bit of my back story - I could write for days....weeks....


Step One questions:

I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with the drinker?

I do accept that alcoholism is a disease.  It became very obvious as I watched my boys go from being sweet, fun-loving, outgoing, sports-playing children to selfish, self-centered, isolating, mean As.  The difference was literally night and day.  

Realizing they had the disease made me crazier until I found the program.  I would have done anything to keep them from the depth & despair of the alcoholic bottom.  

I deal with them today by choosing to not engage, and practicing loving them and hating the disease.  My AH just avoids all of us and lives in a vacuum, so it's easier to be pleasant to him as he's not around too much.

How do I feel when I'm alone?
Before I got to Al-Anon, the mind never rested.  When I was alone, I was worried about what was next, when would the next shoe drop.  I often wondered what I did to deserve 'this life'.  Quite a bit of self-pity, but it was quiet - which was a reprieve from the chaos and perpetual noise/arguments.  

Now when I am alone, I am not alone.  I feel that there is a HP that keeps me company.  I don't think about yesterday or tomorrow but try to stay in the now/moment.

What is the difference between pity and love?

Pity is feeling sorry for and doing for out of obligation.  Love is unconditional and doing for out of choice.  Love is patient and kind whereas pity is more a sense of duty or obligation.

Am I attracted to alcoholics and others who seem to need me so I can fix them?

Nope......not intentionally but it does seem that I can attract that type.  Working on it!!

How have I tried to fix ?

I have tried threats, ultimatums, tears, drama, bribes, counseling, programs, etc.  Extreme unsolicited advice and doing for others what they should do for themselves.  I've tried it all and any fix is always temporary...

Thanks Betty for doing this!  It's appreciated!

I touched on some of the posted questions, but did not address them directly; here goes:


Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with the drinker?

Before AlAnon, I believed it was a genetic predisposition, but I did not truly accept what that meant when dealing with my qualifier. After what we went through trying to "beat" it, however, I saw first hand how powerful it was, how it deceived my qualifier, terrified her, despite what I knew to be her better intentions.

When I saw and accepted it as a disease, I felt a change in my heart, as well as my head. I felt compassion. It enabled me to see her again for who she was without alcohol, for who she truly was. It enabled me to shed the cloak of anger, sadness, and resentment that I wore all too often. It made me so sad to realize how much pain I was adding to her burden by treating her like she was just not trying hard enough, that she didn't care as much about our relationship or future as I did. The reality was that we were both lost, not knowing how to deal with the disease.


How do I feel, when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

My qualifier was the sweetest, most caring person when sober, and was horrified and regretful of the drinking behavior. We (strongly influenced and directed by me) would discuss why it happened, come up with plans/protocol to deal with whatever we thought the cause this time. It was baffling to me why we couldn't put an end the drinking.

She never refused to try a new strategy, she just was not able to hold to what we agreed to. At first I thought I must not be coming up with the right strategy, motivational speech, rational or emotional motivational carrot, so I tried harder, asked more probing questions about her thoughts and progress in her Program, and gave more speeches. I tried to be proactive by searching the house regularly for bottles, read her mood, try to sense her next period of internal struggle that would lead to drinking. Towards the end, I was not responding well. I lost control of my temper numerous times and did not like who I was becoming.

AlAnon helped me see that I was doing just about everything contrary to what is recommended. With the wisdom of the Program, I saw the wisdom of not monitoring, not engaging when she had been drinking, and trying to avoid discussing the drinking or behavior at all. I tried to get back to focusing on trying to live my life, enjoy the time when she was sober, and not drag around a cloud of resentment and anger to remind her how unhappy I was about her drinking.

These adjustments allowed us both to make good progress in our respective programs. We reached a point, however, where I determined that the pace of my growth was not enough to allow her the respect and space she deserved for her recovery. I got my own place and we ended our romantic relationship, maintaining contact by phone as friends. I still have to actively use my Program to maintain my respectful distance when it comes to topics that I am tempted to offer unsolicited opinions or advice. I am grateful that I grew in the program before this decision to leave, and thus based my decision on sound principles and healthier reasons. I also left while there was still mutual respect, something that was important to us both.

The outcome has been that we both have grown tremendously in our Programs. Having our own space has allowed us personal, alone time for reading, meditation, and recovery that was much needed. Our interactions now are healthy, we appreciate our chats together and are able to share wisdom, ESH from our individual programs. I am trying to take one day at a time, be grateful for what I have learned from the program and the huge difference it has made in my life.


How well do I take care myself ?

Generally well, I have always felt that one must step away from a situation when there was a danger of losing a healthy sense of self. Working on Step One has helped me put more focus on myself, where it should be, and guard against taking on the responsibility of others.

How do I feel when I'm alone?

I'm at ease being alone, something that has served me well by allowing me to take time to patiently evaluate my interactions with others without a feeling that I am missing out. Ability to be comfortably alone has been very helpful during this time of reevaluation and growth with the new perspectives I've found in AlAnon. My alone time has helped me contemplate and accept my powerlessness and embrace gratefulness as my life becomes more manageable.

What is the difference between pity and love?

Hmm...why is this so hard for me? Especially regarding the program, I should have a more easily accessible definition. I welcome thoughts from others on this...

Am I attracted to alcoholics and others who seem to need me so I can fix them?

No. This was the my first relationship with a qualifier, and I was not aware the problem existed. I wrestle with the tendency to try to fix things that do not necessarily need fixing. AlAnon helped me see that I was needlessly and fruitlessly wearing myself out trying to fix my qualifier. Working Step One brought the realization that this was a character weakness that I employed in many other areas and relationships in my life. It was not the people I chose, I was an equal opportunity interferer.

How have I tried to fix?

With my qualifier, I believed by working with her I could help her through the tough times by checking in about her program, what she got from meetings (and that she was going), making sure she was journaling, that her sponsor was being supportive, etc. I tried to work her program along with her, sometimes for her. I did not realize that I was not giving her the opportunity to develop her own program, see what worked for her, and let her do it. I robbed her of her own victories, but was always present and aware of the setbacks. I relied on my idea of what would help her, which turned out to be everything AlAnon would suggest not to do.
My past tendency was to determine what I thought was the best course, offer it without invitation, and then judge adversely and without mercy when they did not take my advice and/or suffered negative consequences. I would give my suggestion, and then repeat it every time the topic came up, trying to convince them to do it "my" way. Pages 29 and 79 in C2C were particularly helpful for me in these situations, and they have helped me drastically reduce my "fixing"/controlling tendencies.

Hello, i am new to al-anon, well 3 months. I have been focusing more on me and my destructive behaviors that prevent me from living a less chaotic life. I love the idea of step 1 and 2 and feel like i try to mentally do them or think of them daily but i am still feeling i am trying to control too many aspects of my life without seeking help from those that have gone before me. I am wanting to actively work the steps for my first time but am finding it hard to find a sponsor at the meetings i attend...so here i am hoping to try and be more proactive and active in the alanon community even if it is via the interweb.
I have never been addicted to a substance but feel i have created behaviors of control within that resembles those of an addict of sorts, my life is completely unmanageable even when i think i am "managing" just fine!
i have lost my second job in 9 years to the same destructive pattern and i don't want to waste another 4 years of my life and great job and relationships trying to navigate my own sick brain. I'm not really sure the platform or "rules" for here but i am happy there is a place available to connect with other people. Today i work to admit i am powerless over my own sick brain and destructive behaviors and ask that my HP help me be aware and not make impulsive decisions based on my own "reasonings"

I look forward to any guidance i can get from anyone about navigating this website, forum and world.

Thank you!!!

I too am new to Al-Anon just over a week. I think too soon to find a sponsor and to start working steps, but I would like to address the 1st step though as I've been reading it over and over. It's what brought me to Al-Anon.

Admitting that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

It has taken years for me to hit my emotional bottom. The idea that I might actually be sicker than my A-daughter took awhile to
sink in. I never saw her 'drunk', she never had a DUI, never has been arrested. Yet, it was there. Her not being able to keep commitments, putting the kids in daycare all day when she wasn't working, the house in total disarray, lies, manipulations. Me accusing her of drinking, her denying it. Me trying to tell her how to live, her rebelling, and on and on and on. Then, the disease progressed to the point she couldn't 'hide it anymore', and neither could I. The past year has been one of detox's and rehabs, broken homes and shattered dreams.

Working the steps will not be easy for me, I am sure. I wonder how I'll answer these same questions a year from now.

I accept that alcoholism is a disease?

I do.  I still have times when I question if I'm the cause of it.  Did I do this to my daughter?  For years I have belittled her. Tried to force her to change, made her feel unworthy.  Now I have double guilt. Yet, now that it's finally sinking in that it isn't her fault, or mine, I have been able to back off and just love her. There have been moments and I'm sure there will be more, but accepting that this is a disease has changed my thought process so much.

How does that change how I deal with the drinker?

I don't have to try to fix her anymore. I realize now that I can't. She is the only person who can do that.

How do I feel, when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

This one is a tough one.  Usually I would demand, manipulate, threaten, yell. Anything I could to 'make' her stop.  I've done it to the point of obsession. And I've done it to the detriment of myself. I've become the ruler of the world and I suck at it.

How well do I take care myself ?
I don't.  This past year I've spent my money on her rehabs.  Money I had put aside for my needs. But, she's my child and I want so much for her to be well. My self esteem is gone and I had gotten to the point where every night I was asking God to take my life, and in the morning I would cry because I was still here.  I haven't had those thoughts since I walked through the doors of Al-anon.  It's going to take some time, but for the first time in a long time I feel that I am worthy of serenity and peace.

How do I feel when I'm alone?

Another tough one.  I've pushed everyone away and isolated to the point that I haven't wanted to be around anyone. But even when I am around others, I feel just as sad and angry and frustrated as I do when I'm alone.

What is the difference between pity and love?

This is so very difficult.  I keep reading it and thinking about it.    I know that I love my child and I'm sure that I have also pitied her and those lines seem to get muddy.  I'm looking forward to guidance on this one.

Am I attracted to alcoholics and others who seem to need me so I can fix them?

NO, but since I have them I will do everything in my power to fix them to the point of insanity.

How have I tried to fix ?

Unsolicited advice, nagging, accusing, threatening, bargaining, denying.  And though it's hard to admit this, I know it to be true. In my bitterness and anger, I have become that person who puts others down in an attempt to make my own situation look better.  I know, that doesn't work.  I've tried to fix everyone BUT myself.

I have a friend, who I suppose is also acting as a sponsor for me and brought me to my first Alanon meeting. I recognise that I have a lot to work through, and that I have to start with Step 1. I plan to read and participate in the current step as well- but for me, in today, I am at step 1. She asked me to work through this step, word for word. So here goes

Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Admitted- First and foremost here, I have to be honest with myself. Not the honest that bashes myself, or places blame on myself. But rather the honesty that would be if someone were looking in on my life from the outside. I have moments of this, small flashes where I think; ok that is happening. In this context I guess that would be to recognize the alcoholism that has been a thread throughout my life and my relationships. I do see it.

we- I like the fact that this phrase is written within the context of being a we and not an I. This shows me that I am not alone in my struggles.

powerless- I am working to believe everyday that I dont hold the power and control over the world around me. It sounds ridiculous when I hear it, but for the longest time I believe that I thought I could hold everything together. I was to go between for my mom and dad after they split. I had to manage everyones feelings there so no one would get hurt. I currently try to help my ABF clean up situations he gets himself into- and think that if I dont, the world will implode. But the more I detach from his alcoholism and this belief, the more I place this power to my HP. The more I believe in my HP the more I feel loved and the less I feel used. I have to remind myself of this daily but it is coming along.

over alcohol- This part has me focus on the fact that it is not the person, but the disease that is running our life. As much as I want to throw the half empty bottle of whiskey at his head, thinking this will solve my problems I recognise it wont. The spirit of alcohol, the grasp it has on him are not my battle to fight for him.

our lives- As much as I want to read this as the life of him and myself, I recognize that that is not what is being said here. MY LIFE is deserving of happiness, fulfillment, joy and recognition. It is to me to bring this for myself.

unmanageable- When I first heard this, and read it over for a few times I thought externally to him and his issues. Yup, they certainly seemed unmanageable. The more I kept trying to manage them for him the greater toll it took on me and the deeper he went into his addiction. But I read this now and know that it is about MY LIFE. I had spent so much time focusing on him and trying to manage him, that I have no friends, no hobbies, I pay OUR bills and not my own, he buys booze and I dont have clothes without holes in them. My life is not in a state where I can manage it. We argue now about trivial things and frequently, but he is not the man I first started dating. He is a man that is frightening and mean when we argue. I walk away and he follows. I dont engage and he makes personal verbal attacks. I feel that I am weak because I didnt defend myself. My life is not in a state where I can manage it.

And so here I am- starting to work the steps. I wish I could just walk away and not have these patterns follow me to wherever I go. But they will. They always have.

Hi. I'm very new to this. I just had one very exhausting night of trying to convince my husband we have a problem and he is an alcoholic. He lied to me about being drunk...again. I feel betrayed and disrespected. I screamed and cried and made empty threats. This has been an ongoing thing for the 10 years we have been together, and I'm finally out of ideas. Step one is really hard for me. I struggle when I'm unable to control something. It makes me angry and I overreact. 

 

First, I struggle with the idea that alcoholism is a disease. I WANT to believe it is because that actually does make me feel better about my husband's struggle, but my logic keeps pulling me away from that. If I can manage to accept that, and I really almost do before I over think it again, I can sympathize better instead of becoming frustrated and angry.

When my husband refuses to change, I become so angry. I yell and scream. I make threats. I cry. I blame. I think all the worst things about myself and my husband. I make him feel terrible. 

I do okay alone. I don't see alone as an option. I'm not attracted to alcoholics. My husband is brilliant, and I love him with all that I have, but I have been threatening to kick him out if he doesn't clean up his act. They're empty threats. I think he is taking them seriously, and he tries, but the lies and hiding of alcohol is getting to me. I'm against divorce, and I won't live without him. I will make this work. When he is sober, 5 or 6 days of the week in happy, but when he drinks and ruins holidays and big events, I'm at my wits end. 

I guess the point here is that step one is going to be very tough for me. I need to let go and accept that this is a disease. I need to be understanding and helpful, not frustrated and angry. 

I write this as my husband has finally passed out. I'm awake in bed with worry in my mind, pain in my heart, guilt on my conscience, and hope on the horizon...I hope. 

I am back to step one...again.

Strangely,I am okay that I am powerless over my 2 AS's,I accept that,I remember that when I get the urge to try and change or control them.But I find myself trying to gain control in other areas in my life,mainly my husband,and I have become a very nagging,controlling,horrible person to be around lately.

It's like I have this need to be in control of something,anything.So I am back to the first step.

Being powerless frightens me. "Controlling" became my survival mechanism. How do I let that go? How do I survive being powerless when I learned to survive by being in control? After last week, I thought my AH understood the stress and heartache he's causing me. Today, I came home and he was drunk again and denying it. I started to order him around, as I do when he's drunk because I feel like I've lost control. I said it before, step one is hard .... :)

I'm so thankful I have found this space and it really helps to read these stories.

My husband is an alcoholic and has tried many times to get sober but still also carries so much denial. I finally have let go, stopped trying to fix him and looked at myself. He came home drunk, he had finished work early and decided to drink at the bar instead of coming home. I told him I can't stay in this marriage if he continues to drink even once more, and I need him to get help and support if he wants to live in our home. He is resistant to AA, or even therapy but has a friend in recovery, five years sober, whom he feels comfortable contacting. Maybe I am too optimistic, but it seems like a baby step and one of his own choosing.

I am done lying for him, covering up the hurt his alcoholism has caused. I am also ready to do what I need to do to have the healthy happy life my son and I deserve. It hurt immensely to tell my husband, someone with an illness, someone who is in need of help and support, that I need to keep myself healthy and protect our son, and stop enabling him. He wasn't even aware that I had been hurting for so long trying to make everything ok, bending to what I thought he needed, smoothing things over when i should have been standing up for myself. I have isolated myself in so many ways and stepping into a more authentic and truthful version of myself means revealing these things and finding a support network as I work towards my own recovery.

I look back on my childhood and realized I was prepared for this, the years of living with an abuser in our home normalized this hiding and lying behavior for me. What i find most motivating for my recovery is the idea that I can break the cycle for my son, and give him a positive example of healthy loving relationships.

thank you for helping me find my footing as I take my first steps on this long journey. <3