My Share

Step four is a frightening one for me, because in step four, I have to admit that I am not perfect. Growing up, I was told that I didn't have to be perfect, but that I did have to try my best. I was also frequently told that what I was doing was not good enough. So, the message I remember most from my childhood is that you don't have to be perfect, you just have to try your best, and your best is not good enough. 

So, believing that my best wasn't good enough and that I needed to try harder, this step is frightening because if I already make it a practice to try my best, here I have to face the inner voice that says "and your best isn't good enough". 

In this step, I feared that I would have to list all the ways that I am not "good enough." In reality, I find that this step is freeing, because I get to disagree with the inner voice that tells me that I am not good enough and that I need to try harder. For me, this step points out that I am harshest on myself, and that I need to offer myself the same understanding that I offer to others.  

Step Four questions

How am I tolerant? In what ways and my caring?

I can easily put myself on someone else's shoes. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and I tend to drop everything to help when I see anyone struggling. Often, I look at individual events or situations as isolated events and do not connect the dots between events. This gives me blinders to a holistic and honest view of a person, including myself.  

In my open to another's point of view?

I am open to another point of view. I am also a control freak, and so when dealing with personal relationships, I often will give up entirely what I want, think, feel, or believe because I cannot incorporate another point of view into my own. I do not reflect on why differences between my view and another view exist, and in my personal relationships, I often feel as though I must give up on my point of view to maintain the relationship. 

Am I a fixer? Do I like to be in charge? Do I get upset when I don't win? What consequences have I had from taking care of others instead of myself?

I am a fixer, and I do like to be in charge, especially at work. Often, I cannot understand another point of view. I tend to look at things from what seems to me to be a logical, problem-solving standpoint, and I ignore my own emotions. I do not trust others to make the right choices for me, and so I prefer to be the one making choices. In my personal life, I do not stand by my convictions, I do not stand up for my needs or beliefs, and so I give up on them entirely and go along with what the other person wants. Then, I get upset when things do not work out. I have had many, many consequences related to this. When I met my AW, I had fantastic credit, many credit cards that never carried a balance, and a very healthy savings account from my late partner's life insurance. I spent every penny I had trying to help AW clean up her credit, dealing with her legal issues, and making her living environment exactly what she wanted it to be. I bought into the "if only we had X, then I wouldn't Z" and took care of her every need. As a result, I was no longer able to travel to visit my late partner's family, and in the mean time, her father passed away. I was not able to afford to go to either of my grandmother's funerals. I was not able to afford to pay my tuition at school. I almost lost my condo because I spent the mortgage money and the tax escrow money taking care of AW and her needs instead of my own. I moved out of the condo that I could afford and rented it out. I lost friendships that were important to me because of drunken disagreements that she got into, and was told "pick a side. It is X or me". My relationship with my parents suffered. I told them that they could not visit and stay with us because of AW's anxiety. I sold my car so we could get AW the car of her dreams, which I then couldn't afford to insure properly and got totaled. I didn't pay bills to the point that they went to collections and my wages were garnished. I filed for bankruptcy, and even after that, I didn't follow through on what I knew I needed to do to fix my financial situation.

I could go on. OR, I could sum it up by saying that I believe that I am able to make informed and carefully considered decisions, but I do not, because I am too busy taking care of others. I put the needs of others before my needs, and feel as though it is my responsibility to make others happy first. I do not understand how to compromise in a way that doesn't result in me getting nothing that I want and putting up with a situation that I know is wrong for me.   

Do I take on responsibilities are not mine? Why or why not?

Yes, I do. I believe that some people are not able to take on things that need to happen. If I think whatever it is is important and needs to be done, I will do it rather than let it not be done. What I do, though, is prevent other people from taking on tasks and responsibilities that they should take care of. I seem to go to extremes, and make decisions about all relationships and situations based on what is going on in one relationship. For example, because I know that I cannot trust AW to take care of the litter boxes or feed the cats reliably, I either check up on her or do it myself. In my committee work, I ask for help, but when I do not get it, I just do the task myself. So, in both cases, I am deciding what is right, what should be done, and then doing it. I am not prioritizing and determining what DOES need to happen (i.e. feed the cats) and what I can leave undone if someone else doesn't do it (i.e. finding quotes for committee work). In all areas, I am assuming that my set of priorities and decisions is right for everyone, and that I need to check up on other people to make sure that they carry through on my priorities. 

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? Why?

I do. I assume that someone is not able to do for themselves when they do not do something, and so the I step in to "help". In this, I ignore the fact that can and do are different verbs. I assume that if someone were able to do something, they would. I take away their right to decide NOT to do something. (AW just cannot get herself up in the morning. If she could wake up and get herself ready for the day on her own, she would do it. Since she isn't doing it, she must not be able to do it, so I should help her...) So, not only do I underestimate other's abilities, I also take away their rights to make their own decisions. 

In what way do I trust myself in dealing with others? Do I go to save places?

I actually don't trust myself in dealing with others. I don't trust myself to stay out of what ought not be my business, and so I keep people at arm's length. It takes me a long time to open up to people because I do not trust myself to act in my own best interests once I do. I do trust my reactions to people, and I trust my judgement. I trust that I am able to identify people who are not good for me early in knowing them based on their actions. I am beginning to trust that I can ask for what I need in dealing with others. I am beginning to trust myself to recognize my needs. My go-to safe space is a walk with a dog, or the basement with the dogs. I find that, for me, I am in need to a safe emotional and mental space, and time spent with my dogs gets me there.  

Remove myself from dangerous situations? Even if it's my own home?

I don't really find myself to be in physically dangerous situations, now that AW can no longer drive. Emotionally dangerous situations are a different matter. I am getting better at leaving the room, when possible, and not putting myself in emotionally dangerous situations to begin with. I am learning that by not reacting to everything someone says, and not feeling the need to engage every time I disagree, I am able to maintain emotional stability. (And, really, if AW is making up another fairy tale ending for her upcoming court date, what need is there for me to engage in that? If my mom is ramping up the family drama, why do I need to buy into it? Staying inside my hula hoop and engaging in issues that are important for me, while not engaging in issues outside of my hula hoop actually prevents emotionally dangerous situations from beginning.) 

Thank you both, Betty and Skorpi, for sharing your ESH regarding your work on Step 4. This is my first time working this step and appreciate hearing your input. I decided to make use of the Blueprint for Progress (revised), a World Service Conference approved workbook for Step 4 (although the questions in Paths to Recovery are also very helpful, as is whatever method works at the time )

I ordered it several months ago and admit I was a bit intimidated by 96 pages of personal inventory. Having completed the work and reviewed my findings, however, I am very glad I made the commitment. I was grateful to put my emotional energy into answering the questions rather than working up my own range and depth of inventory. I found the workbook to be quite thorough.

My focus and work on steps 1-3 changed my life and my perspective. It was extremely beneficial and enlightening to recognize the changes and growth that AlAnon has guided me through, as well as highlighting the areas that remain opportunities for further growth. I was pleasantly surprised to identify characteristics that I am truly proud of and grateful for, a welcome boost after becoming so aware of my unhealthy tendencies.

After working Step 4, I had a clearer picture of the specific situations that I struggle with, along with a better sense of how I could improve on them. My unrealistic expectations of those close to me are often at the base of my disappointments and areas of overstep. It was usually those I cared for the most who I unleashed my well intended, but poorly received and counterproductive efforts to fix (control).

I have considered myself fearlessly honest throughout my life (often when giving unsolicited opinions to others), but it has only been with the help and guidance of AlAnon that I was able to see where I needed to make adjustments in my perspective and actions toward others. It is also the only guidance that has directed me to inner peace and serenity...I am so grateful

Step Four questions

How am I tolerant? In what ways and my caring?


AlAnon has helped me see that I had been very intolerant of opinions and behaviors that I thought were not 'right', efficient, or healthy. I felt the responsibility to address these perceived deficiencies in others, despite how poorly I was received. I was confused, and then angered, when my valuable advice was not taken, especially when things worked out as I had predicted. 

Now I am much better at staying out of others' business, knowing that they have to find a way that works, or that does not, on their own. I must respect them enough to allow them the same growth opportunities that I needed to learn my lessons. All I must do is mind myself.

The result has been that my naturally caring feeling toward others is more readily recognized and appreciated by others, actually by doing less. My support and expression of love has been many times more effective than any advice I gave on my own. Wisdom of the program...(C2C p.79)

Am I open to another's point of view?

AlAnon has helped my significantly in this regard. It has reminded me that everyone is entitled to their perspective, and I am not the assigned expert of everyone. No matter what I think, they may be 'right' for them, for their circumstances, and what they can handle. I have become much better at saying, 'You may be right'. 

Am I a fixer? Do I like to be in charge? Do I get upset when I don't win? What consequences have I had from taking care of others instead of myself?

Yes, uncomfortable with someone in discomfort, a situation not remedied, watching someone take action that I felt was detrimental to them. I got upset when others didn't react as I expected they should. This led me to the extreme discomfort and unhappiness in my own life that I could accurately label 'insanity'. Since I began daily work and focus on myself rather than on the behavior and actions of others, there has been a dramatic change for the better in my life. 

Do I take on responsibilities are not mine? Why or why not?

AlAnon has helped me cut back drastically on my takeover attempts. I witnessed the futility of my attempts to control the disease and have been able to carry that lesson over as a guide. Offer support, let them find their way...

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? Why?

In the past, my pattern was to do just that. I wanted them to avoid the pain I thought they were surely headed for, if only they would follow the course and advice I gave them. This sent a message that they couldn't figure it out themselves, robbed them of finding their own solutions, and resulted in my growing frustration as they didn't change as I expected. No one was happy. By halting that behavior, they are much happier without me in their grill, and I have more peace than ever in my life.

In what way do I trust myself in dealing with others? Do I go to safe places?

I trust myself to be a better person, a nicer person, and ultimately a more helpful person, even if I do nothing but smile and show support. I have a better awareness of when I need to separate from a situation to avoid escalating it, or just keep my mouth shut when it won't help the situation.

Wisdom from the program has been the key to my turnaround from insanity to increased serenity and peace, and working this fourth step has been incredibly insightful. Working the program daily has allowed me to adopt a new perspective that involves focus on the adjustments I can make, not on whether someone else is meeting my expectations. Reframing every situation with this lens is the key for me. Thank you AlAnon, and thank you Betty for your service  

I am working with the Blueprint for Progress Step 4 workbook, and decided that I do not need to rush through it.  I read the questions for the topic I am on, let them percolate, then get to work answering the questions.  So far, I have discovered that I am a people pleaser extraordinaire and I have character defects that help me in that people pleasing mode.  I commit sins of omission in my life, which is also known as lying.  There, I said it.  I had always considered myself an honest person.  My self worth is dependent on what other people think of me.  I do not think of me at all-my worth, my opinion, my needs, my wants.

I have heard a lot about this step, both good and scary, but I look forward to doing it because I want to know about myself.  I have spent my life doing, thinking, living for and through others and it is time to make time for me to see how I tick and what makes me tick.  "Fearless and moral" are terms that comfort to me.  Its time to get this done.

Step Four questions

How am I tolerant? In what ways and my caring?

In my open to another's point of view?

While I might look like I am listening intently, I acknowledge that while I am listening, I am thinking of my own response.  I am not open to another's point of view but instead what to make sure that person knows where I stand.  And of course, after I let them know, I try to convert them to my way of thinking.  If that does not get down, I tend to be dismissive of people.

Am I a fixer? Do I like to be in charge? Do I get upset when I don't win? What consequences have I had from taking care of others instead of myself?

I am the queen of fixers because I think I know it all.  Before this program, I could solve the world's problems, all the while not even glancing at my own.  I had all the could haves, should haves and would haves.  I did like to be in charge, but was very humble about it, dismissing whatever I did.  I did not like it when people did not follow my advice and told myself that whatever they thought was doomed to failure.  I would get upset and obsess over why people would not listen to my wonderful viewpoint/advice.  As a consequence of taking care of others instead of myself, I have been exhausted and have not gotten to know myself.

Do I take on responsibilities are not mine? Why or why not?

I do take on responsibilities that are not mine because I know it all and did not think people could do it as good as I could.  I could get a tiny bit of information on something that would immediately make me an expert on anything.  I was so busy looking at the responsibilities of others that I did not look at my own responsibilities to myself.

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? Why?

Before this program, I did do for others what they could do for themselves because I did not think they would do it right.  When we had family gatherings, I used to cook all the food because I did not think that people would bring the "right" thing.  I finally wised up to that and asked people to bring their favorite dishes, and it made them feel better and eased up on me.  This program has taught me that I have no business making decisions or taking actions for others because I do not see things from their perspective.  In doing things for others that they can do for themselves, I am robbing someone else of their own dignity and self care.  In hindsight, someone did that to me and it go me absolutely nowhere with no knowledge of myself-what I like, what I can do, how I feel, what I like.

In what way do I trust myself in dealing with others? Do I go to save places?

I am not so good in dealing with others because I am afraid of making a mistake and (people pleasing alert!) I am afraid I will make a mistake.  I wait until I know what other people think before I decide what I think.  When I am angry, I cannot think and need to give myself a time out-read, take a walk, ride a bike, isolate and find a quiet space.  A safe place for me is being by myself.  When I was little, I used to hide in closets and under beds, among other places.

Remove myself from dangerous situations? Even if it's my own home?

A dangerous place to me is usually a place that involves emotions or intellect-something that challenges how i feel or think.  I throw up the wall and isolate.  I withdraw to be safe. This is something I need to work on, using the tools of the program.  I can say I can think about things, "you may be right," "I never thought about it that way."  I need to learn to stop justifying my view by using the terms because and but.  

I have a lot of exploring to do with this step and welcome it.  The other night I was listing to music from my teens and thinking about the   tools I used growing up-perfectionism, care-taking, resentments and control.  All of a sudden, a memory came to me about a situation where I was so busy using all four that I could not live in the moment of the wonderful event (my daughter's wedding).  I was so very busy deciding that something should not happen and what I could do to prevent it that I wasted many hours in worry.  I cried like a baby in sadness over what I had done; it was really gut wrenching, but I kept telling myself  that I needed to feel it out and wait it out.  When I was done, I turned it over to God, thanking Him for giving me that spiritual awakening and getting me through it.  Without the work, readings and reflection in this program, this enlightenment might not have happened.

Thanks for listening.

Alison

For me, Step 4 was a necessity as it brings about a view of 'me' that is raw, telling and healing. My fears were maybe a bit less only because I have worked the steps for the other side of this program. While all the steps are important for recovery and healing, Step 4 truly sets the stage for the remaining steps and serenity.

"Made a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves." Growing up with organized religion, this reminded me immediately of confession. However, as a youth in organized religion, I was not EVER completely honest nor did I truly admit many things that I feared would make God mad at me.

I had never heard, "your secrets keep you sick" until I came to recovery. I had many secrets within me that I was afraid to disclose - mostly because of judgement. I was told by my sponsor that for this step, we are just doing the inventory. I didn't have to worry about the next steps or what I would next do with this inventory. One moment at a time, one day at a time, one step at a time, I could take a look backwards and determine people, places and things that affected my life in an adverse way.

So, like others, I set about writing. I listed my angers, my resentments, my fears and also did some free-writing on events in my life that seemed to 'forever change me'...This was suggested by my sponsor, to write freely without fear and without thought - to help me see patterns in my behavior, thinking, actions and reactions.

After I wrote all these things down, I applied the 4 Ms to each scenario to help me see 'my part'. I can honestly say that my part played a huge role in my feelings and reactions time and time again. Doing the 4th step helps me see 'me' - good & bad - when I am faced with tough situations and life events. It gave me a framework from which to want to change.

Step Four questions

How am I tolerant? In what ways and my caring?  Tolerance for me was an acquired skill, and does not come naturally.  I have to remind myself daily that I am one among many, I am not perfect, my way is not the only way and that everyone is a child of God, with their own journey and path.  By having this be a part of my morning prayer and meditation, I am better able to actively listen and empathize with others.  This helps me be more caring and seek to understand vs. being understood.

In my open to another's point of view?  When I am program-centered, and actively using my program tools, I am open to other's points of views.  When I step away from my daily needs, and loose site of my program and what's working well, I tend to let fear back in.  For me, fear is the root of most of my issues and once it is allowed back in, I become self-reliant instead of God-reliant.  This leads, for me, to a process of changed thinking, which in turn can close me off from others - back to isolation, negative outlook and old behaviors.  The only way for me to remain open to other's views is for me to keep my program and tools front and center.

Am I a fixer? Do I like to be in charge? Do I get upset when I don't win? What consequences have I had from taking care of others instead of myself?  Yes.  Yes.  Yes. Misery.  I was able to see specific patterns in my 4th Step that pointed to being a control-freak.  I was willing to 'see' that others had a different way, a different idea and/or a different opinion, but hardly ever believed that their way was equal or better than mine.  My patterns were silent scorn when I did 'not win' and indifference if I was not in charge.  As a result of my 'need' or 'addiction' to taking care of others vs. myself, I truly lost me.  In every form, I put others in front of me.  I then was angry or disappointed if they did not 'see' it and act accordingly - grateful, etc.  I also resented people who put themselves first, and often called them selfish.  I thought they were the ill ones.....not me!  Again, the 4th step truly helped me see my patterns and my side of events that contributed to my lost self. 

Do I take on responsibilities are not mine? Why or why not?  Today, as a result of this program, I do this way less than before.  I am working harder today to take care of me and let others manage their own life, complete with accountability and responsibility.  I try to stay on my side of the street, set adequate loving boundaries and support instead of control others.  It's been a difficult change as I was so different before.  Many expected me to continue to do for them what they could do for themselves, and the adjustment period has been hard at times.  This program has taught me that when I put others needs before my own, I am heading to a disappointment and possibly a resentment - neither of which help with my goal of peace and serenity.

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? Why?  Most definitely before the program.  It was no wonder why I was so stressed and crazy.  I believe the Why had everything to do with fear of failure and shame.  I was afraid to allow those I care about to fail as I didn't have faith that failure would lead to learning.  My will was in the driver's seat where today, I try as best I can to rely on God's will and just do the next right thing.

In what way do I trust myself in dealing with others? Do I go to save places?  The program has given me a host of tools that assist me in facing every and any situation where I may have had fear or anxiety over before.  I now know that it's OK to remove myself from a conversation or a room.  I know know that it's OK to (not) practice J.A.D.E.  I also no longer blame myself for the condition and choices of others.  I am one who has a network of Plan B, C etc. so that I am willing and able to go to safe places when I feel it necessary.  I have several trusted program friends and a great sponsor and I am honored to call upon them in times of need.


Remove myself from dangerous situations? Even if it's my own home?  In spite of setting boundaries and sharing them, my qualifiers still are baffled when I choose to remove myself from uncomfortable or dangerous situations.  I have no issue in grabbing my keys and going to a safe place, a meeting, a walk in the part or another home for a sleep-over.  I also have learned to get off the phone if the conversation is becoming uncomfortable or escalating.  All of my 'exit strategies' are new enough that they frustrate my qualifiers, but each time, I am allowed to restate my boundaries and then move forward with as much grace as I can muster up at the time.

"Dangerous Situations" for me has changed over time.  I prefer to use 'uncomfortable' vs. 'dangerous' as my life and my circumstances have changed enough that I will walk away before any escalation now.  I've come to understand and believe that my HP doesn't want me to fight to the end or 'be right' any longer - my HP wants me to be happy and do whatever it takes for that to happen, including not engaging and/or not arguing.  

Thanks everyone for your contributions - I am in catch up mode!!!