(9-2015 ) ALANON STEP 5

hotrod · Guru

(9-2015 ) ALANON STEP 5

Enigmatic · Veteran Member

Betty,
Thank you for your very honest share about your approach to Step 5. This is my first time working steps 4 and 5, and it has been interesting to see how my assets and defects have been highlighted during the process.

Honesty and communication have always been strong assets for me, something that I am very grateful for. Although my worldview and tools were way off before I came to AlAnon, I did practice complete honesty with myself and others, along with a willingness to admit my mistakes.

AlAnon helped me see, however, that I was much too quick to tell others where they were straying and how they could fix it. This was even more pronounced when I dealt with those I cared for the most, as I truly wanted to help them improve and/or avoid the pain I foresaw. I viewed differences of approach or opinion as a sign of incompatibility, and would either increase my efforts or finally walk away completely.

I was guilty of thinking that I knew how things 'should' be, and that somehow, it was my responsibility to tell others when I saw them do otherwise. I most definitely thought it was my right. I had a very poor sense of boundaries and respect for others, paired with a perceived duty to 'help' others by telling them what they should do. Especially with those close to me, I had very high expectations of how things 'could be', and thought if I coached, encouraged, challenged, and explained hard enough then we could all live in the happy world that I envisioned.

The disease taught me a life changing lesson when I tried to but could not control it. Working through steps 1-3 was incredibly humbling, as I realized that it was I who had it wrong, whose perception was unhealthy and had caused my life to become unmanageable. I spent quite a bit of time working those steps, reconstructing my entire worldview. It was an incredible experience of discovery, acceptance, and growth.

Step 4 was the first time I've made a thorough self check with my new, AlAnon guided perspective. I was able to compare how I would have answered the questions before and after my program work. For the first time ever, I was examining myself from a healthy perspective, one that saw the opportunities for change in myself, not someone else...one that saw clearly the nature of my wrongs.

Step 5 felt refreshing to me, cleansing...I have admitted things honestly to myself and others many times before, even to a God as I once understood him a long time ago. This time, however, was so different for me. I felt a sense of peace unlike any I've felt before, a feeling that I am at peace with myself, with others, and with a higher power...I have felt serenity.

Admitting the exact nature of my wrongs was not the easiest, nor most proud moment. In yet, I am grateful to be aware of them, to understand them and what steps I can take to reduce their appearance in my life thanks to AlAnon. Thank you, Betty, for your service, and thank you AlAnon...

hotrod · Guru

Hi Enigmatic I so appreciate your participation on the Step Board. Your honest introspection and clarity is extremely helpful in understanding the power of these steps and the recovery that is possible .

Thanks for sharing your wisdom on this journey aww

Skorpi · Veteran Member

Thanks for sharing, Enigmatic. This is my first time through the steps as well, and I am happy to reflect on the experience with you.

Skorpi · Veteran Member

My share:
This is my first time doing the steps, and I am appreciating the journey so far.
I have always been quick to take the responsibility (read blame) for anything that goes wrong around me. Perhaps it is learned behavior from my childhood that went unchecked in my adult life. I have been thinking a lot recently about distinguishing between things that I need to take responsibility for and things that I do not need to take responsibility for. I can clearly see that I take on responsibility for things that are not mine, and I do this without thinking and in all areas of my life. This has manifested itself in my relationship with my AW, I took the blame for her drinking because the house was cluttered, the dogs were rowdy, and we went to a wedding and I said I wouldn't leave her if she slipped up, which she took as permission to start drinking again. I also act as an in-state contact for friends who had to move out of state and could not sell their condo, so rent it out. Basically, this ought to mean that I check renters in and out, and they can call me if something goes wrong. I will then let the repair guys in and out. But recently, there have been electrical issues, and I found myself trying to make a decision about what kind of repair to do, etc. That isn't my decision to make. What I need to do is let the different contractors in, forward the estimates to my friends, and let them contract with the electrician of their choice for the repair they want done. As I am typing this, I can CLEARLY see that I need to work on establishing healthy boundaries in all aspects of my life.

Questions

if I have completed my fourth step, how do I feel about sharing details of my past with another?
I don't think I would say that I have completed step four, but I am working on it. Maybe that is something I need to understand about myself. I like to come back to things and continue to work on them. I think this ties in to my fear of failure. If I have not finished yet, I haven't failed. I have lived in a world of imposed secrecy and lies, and sharing the truth as I understand it with others is a new and freeing thing for me. I decided that I need to try some new meetings not because there is anything wrong with my home meeting, I absolutely love it, but because that meeting is so small, I haven't found an appropriate sponsor yet.

In what areas of my past am I willing to be completely honest?

For me, working toward being honest and recognizing how I feel is an ongoing challenge. I grew up knowing that there are things that you don't share, and negative feelings were something that you suppress and ignore until they go away. I really feel generally confused about what honesty is, perhaps related to being repeatedly told that I am a liar when I think I am being honest. Maybe the most honest I can be about this question is acknowledging that I am so confused about complete honesty and my ability to recognize honesty that I need more time to think through this.

What are some of the advantages that I might get from admitting my faults?

by admitting my faults, I can stop trying to cover them up. I can invest my energy on becoming the person I Want to be, and not on pretending to be someone I am not.

Can I see that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be?

I can clearly see that I am not perfect. I make mistakes all the time. I need to remember that I am allowed to make mistakes, and I am allowed to not be perfect. I need to remember that I deserve the same understanding and forgiveness from myself that I willingly give to others. I need to focus on myself and my needs, and step away from drama. It is ok for me to be myself, and I don't need to be the one in a group who has the answers, who is the most "together". As I am writing this, I started to think that the types of friends I select are "safe" for me, because I do tend to be the most "together" in that group. I wonder what my friendships would look like if I surrounded myself with people who didn't look to me for advice, but people I could share my imperfections with. I would definitely have to be more vulnerable in those friendships than I am typically willing to be.

With whom will I share my fifth step? What qualities makes this person that I choose?

I am not sure. I think that I have shared aspects of my fifth step with family, parents, and Alanon friends. I would like to find a sponsor who has been in the program for a while, who can speak about topics in a reflective manner, and who is able to help me think through things in a calm and peaceful way. I actually also think a lot about a sponsor's gender. I know that Alanon suggests a same-sex sponsor, but since I am a lesbian, sometimes I wonder if that would be the best fit. On the other hand, I am certain that when I find the right sponsor, gender will not be an important concern.

Do I have any of these qualities myself? Did I do this them under my assets?

I think that I am usually able to speak about topics in a reflective manner and address issues in a calm and logical way, unless they are my own personal and emotional issues. Then, I really struggle to stay calm. I am impatient with myself, and I definitely need to work on being gentle and forgiving with myself. I do list these qualities in my assets, but they are focused outward, toward other people, not inward, toward myself.

How does my desire to perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally even after hearing my first step?

I lost my first partner to cancer when I was 23. There was a reading this week in C2C about clutching on to joy, about wanting to hold on to it in a frantic manner. This hit me really hard, because I realized that I had been so desperately clinging to the joy of that relationship that all I had left was an unhealthy dedication to the pain of that loss. I didn't think it was fair for anyone in a future relationship with me because, had my first partner not passed away, I would probably (I thought) still be with her. So, it felt to me as if any partner I had was making a huge sacrifice, living with the knowledge that our relationship was a "second choice" of sorts for me. I had to be a perfect partner to make up for that. I didn't believe that someone could love me unconditionally, despite my past and my commitment to the pain of that loss.

In working my first step what have I discovered about the exact nature of my wrongs?

I feel at my core that I am unlovable, and so I go about life trying to justify to myself any affection or positive feedback I receive. I expect perfection from myself because I do not want others to find out how unjustified their trust in me is. Since I am my harshest critic and expect perfection from myself, any additional critique of me hits me doubly hard. Because I do not allow myself to make mistakes or to be human, I cannot help but be disappointed and upset with myself when I am wrong. Since I am already confident that I am not lovable, I cannot risk showing my faults to others, because I fear that they will then just confirm how unlovable and unworthy I am.

What have I discovered about fear? Honesty, trust and acceptance?

I have lived in fear of people discovering who I really am. By accepting my faults, mistakes, and shortcomings, I am able to begin to love myself, and to feel confident in my own human worth, imperfections and all. This acceptance allows me to be honest with myself and trust myself to act in accordance with my own beliefs and values. Being honest with myself and trusting myself is the first step toward being open and honest with others, allowing others to see me for who I am, imperfections and all - this, I think, is the first step toward establishing the healthy friendships and relationships that I would like to have.

hotrod · Guru

((Skorpi))Thanks so much for your honesty an powerful introspection. Working this Step finally gave me perission to join the hum an race and not be perfect. It also helped me to see my hidden motives and destructive habits so that I could let them go and grow. I see you doing the same. Great !!!
Betty

Enigmatic · Veteran Member

So glad you are reaching forward with the steps, Skorpi! I have found that I have to trust my feelings on when I'm ready for certain decisions in the program, but I can say that I have never regretted moving forward.

I appreciated the points in Paths to Recovery in Step 4, where it reminds us that there is no "perfect" way to do things in AlAnon, or anywhere for that matter. We come with an open mind, willingness, and a desire to walk a more peaceful path with a higher power. We are all works in process, and it certainly is progress, not perfection...so grateful for AlAnon, and grateful for your share...

IamHere · Member

Step 5 for me was a bit scary the first time. I was concerned and afraid to tell anybody the things I thought, feared, said and done - as I had so much shame, guilt and remorse. I was one who worked tirelessly for most of my life to be perfect so that I could try and easily deflect anything to another person. I worked hard for a perfect life, perfect home, perfect car, etc. Imagine the break-down a perfectionist has when they discover that not just one but both of my offspring ended up with addiction issues.

Once I lifted the veil of denial about my reality and tried everything humanly possible to 'fix' my A(s), I was forced into submission. Surrender came reasonably easy for me as I allowed myself to get really, really crazy before reaching out to Al-Anon. I knew about Al-Anon as I came from the other side of this program, but I just didn't want to add another recovery program to my life nor another set of 12 Steps to stumble through.

I also have a wonderful sponsor who started in Al-Anon and then joined AA. She happens to be a therapist too, so she is a gentle loving soul that I struggle to 'see' as mean-spirited, manipulative, etc. She is almost as opposite of me as one could be, so is perfect for me as a sponsor. I was told to look for someone who had what I wanted - she has a very peaceful grace about her, is very slow to act/react and when she does so, it appears loving, caring and honest - great ESH.

She suggested Al-Anon to me a couple of times before I finally committed to go. She knew I was willing to go to any lengths to stay sober, yet she also knew how fearful and full of shame I was to have to reach out again and get humble. Ii am grateful she continued to kindly suggest this program to me - not sure where I would be...

When I came to this program, and felt so broken beyond repair, and angry and full of pity/shame/etc. I had extreme fears that I was beyond repair. I felt even more remorse as I had stayed stuck in the battle against this disease for my loved one way longer than I should have. I spent years trying to direct, control, change, cure, fix, manipulate my As and the disease seemed to win over and over again.

As I worked through my 4th step, there were specific patterns that emerged. I am one who had only negative energy and negative emotions and reactions when I arrived as I had allowed this disease and the actions of my As to control my every action, thought, deed, etc. I over-shared, over-cared and over-reacted time and time and time again. I used anything I thought would assist me in trying to fix everyone else, never realizing I played a huge part in the chaos. No matter how loving, kind, caring, thoughtful, etc. I tried to be, my coping patterns emerged over and over and over again.

So - the largest 'aha' for me in the 4th step was that I never lived in the present, and remained strangled by fear because the reality of not being in control of anyone or anything beyond 'me' was visible and present over and over again. I could see where they were doing what they were doing, and I overreacted and then got angry that things didn't go my way. My anger would then turn into extreme sadness/depression, over which I would sit in self-pity with silent scorn. This pattern was obvious and my prayers at the time were about my desire and will, not theirs and certainly not God's. My fear and disappointment lead me to a path of perpetual anger, eggshell walking, despair and drama/chaos.

Having experience with the 12 Steps, I was anxious about Step 5, but knew that releasing my secrets/inventory would help me move forward. My sponsor was kind, loving, receptive and non-judgmental. She never showed shock/awe/discern - she just showed unconditional love. I have done another Step 5 with a clergy person as I was angry at God and had some major resentments. I felt I might feel different/better if I discussed this with a man of the cloth and it was a great experience, but no less accepting/freeing than sharing with a sponsor.

I felt relief when finished as my secrets were not unique, nor were they secrets any longer. There was a freedom and a pep added to my step just by dumping all that mental garbage I had carried for so, so long.

Step Five questions

if I have completed my fourth step, how do I feel about sharing details of my past with another? When I completed my 4th Step, I was fearful to share with another. Fear was at the root of most of my character defects, so I knew in my mind that I had to get through the fear or my relief would be temporary. Working the first 4 Steps brought about some level of recovery that I wanted to continue with. I didn't want to 'settle' for less peace and serenity if more was possible. So, fear and anxiety were present - thankful for a great sponsor!

In what areas of my past am I willing to be completely honest? I was willing to be completely honest as my bottom was so draining, low and damaging. I know now that the mind protects us and at times, things I hadn't remembered pop up. I am a believer in processing/writing about things, so as things pop into my head, I have no issue with 'writing about it, talking about it and praying about it....' Honestly for me did not mean perfection of remembering my past. It meant dealing with all that I knew of and could at the time - then, continuing as a work in progress.

What are some of the advantages that I might get from admitting my faults? For me, there is a freedom from sharing and admitting my faults. I grew up in a home where nothing less than your best (which should be as close to perfect as possible) was acceptable. Being able to freely admit the things I was shameful about was like lifting sandbags off my back. I can also say that a secret shared is no longer a secret, so each disclosure for me brought about a bit more confidence and peace in my heart/head.

Can I see that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be? Yes, I am so happy to see that I am not perfect. I truly wondered for so long why I could not fix everything going on around me. I spent so much time trying to be perfect that I am tickled pink to be LTP - Less Than Perfect. I am happy - even deeply content to do my best at that point in time, and being proud/pleased with the results - even when they are not what I wanted or expected.

With whom will I share my fifth step? What qualities makes this person that I choose? I shared all of my 5th Steps with my sponsor at the time. I shared one 5th Step with a man of the cloth. The quality I look for is walking the walk while talking the talk. I try to look for someone who I 'see' their mind/heart aligned and they do not gossip about others. I need to feel that I can trust the person to not share and not judge.

Do I have any of these qualities myself? Did I do this them under my assets? Listing assets at the time of my first 4th step was a bit difficult. I truly relied on my sponsor to help me 'see' that which was good about me.....since, as I've grown in this program and worked to change 'me', listing assets is a bit easier. I do now list my dislike for gossip and my ability to keep confidential information confidential as assets - never knew how many struggle with this!!

How does my desire to perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally even after hearing my first step?
In working my first step what have I discovered about the exact nature of my wrongs? My drive for perfect kept me at a safe distance from everyone. I never was 'real' to anyone at the level this program asks me. I never wanted to be seen as LTP - less than perfect, and it was a wall that I put up to keep me from additional pain and suffering. I learned in this program that nobody can love me unconditionally unless/until I am able to love myself that way. When you are non-authentic, what you 'show' to others sets the stage for conditional love. The falsehood of existence is ever-present and is the foundation for the relationship.

Even though I admitted I was powerless over alcohol/alcoholics, that wasn't the be all/end all for reception of genuine love from another. It was the beginning for my new way to be/live. All of the steps and a true desire to be better/different/tolerant/accepting were the beginning of change, not the change itself.

The most telling outcome of my step work was how I allowed so much negative energy drive who I showed on the outside. I put up 'tough lady' walls that could only be knocked down by me looking at me. I let fear lead me often/always and I was so fixated on a false definition of success that I lived in an unrealistic state of disappointment, sadness and chaos. One of my biggest faults was trying to be self-reliant in matters I had absolutely no control over. So grateful that's changed for me/my thinking/life.

What have I discovered about fear? Honesty, trust and acceptance? I have to turn my fear over to my HP or it will put me back into assuming I can control things well beyond my control. I need to be as honest as I can be about what I feel, believe and think. If I isolate and not share honestly, I can return to misery and loneliness. I still struggle with trust, but know now that it's OK to have a few trusted people in your life, and then another larger set of 'friends' for fun/fellowship/company. Acceptance for me is the answer to most of my problems today. I am still a hard-headed soul at times, so acceptance can be a process vs. a decision. I am forever grateful that I learned in this program that it's perfectly fine to be less than perfect and to accept that which I can't change/control. What a gift!!!

Thanks to everyone on this step journey!! (((Hugs)))

hotrod · Guru

Beautifully honest,share IAMHERE. I can so indenity with your journey inward and know how wonderful it was to begin to live in the moment and in the present so as to ttruly feel the owonder of it all . The 5th step helped
Thanks for being here.

akk · Member

I have found myself going back to steps one, two and three for reinforcement many many times. At the same time, I am so very excited to work through steps 4 and 5 and just get to where I am meant to be. I have recently retired, and the path to getting where I today was so HP led that I know that I am meant to be given the time to realize and understand who I was meant to be and just go with whatever it is I am meant to go with. I fully embrace the concept that I am meant to know what I am supposed to know when I know it. To me, it is liberating to give up the burden I have felt my whole life-that is, I am supposed to know it all for everyone and be strong, smart and "there" for everyone. I was led to this program because I finally acknowledged to myself how very tired I was. My one year anniversary in Alanon comes up on 12/6, and I welcome my first birthday. I am entering a whole new life, I can just feel it.

My fourth step showed me that I am a very fearful and controlling person. I need to be perfect or else I am afraid of being unloved. There was no "me" there- I went with whoever needed whatever they needed from me. Smiling, helping, listening-always there for others, never ever there for me. I have no idea who I am, what I like, why I do- but I am learning, I am working on it and I will shed what I do not need and keep what works. I am enthusiastic and excited about working these steps.

Step Five questions

if I have completed my fourth step, how do I feel about sharing details of my past with another?
Sharing has always been tough for me-real sharing, that is. I am great at listening, great at coming back with the "perfect answer," I know I "wow" people, but I have realized that I have many barriers to deconstruct. I have been married for 41 years, and my husband is just finding out how my growing up was effected by my AM. I always was ready with the horror stories, but I never ever shared how I felt deep inside or the consequences of living with her. I always turned it into a joke-humor was my barrier. I am tiptoeing into letting him in, but am able to share more with my sponsor. My husband is somewhat shocked at things I let him in on; my sponsor is not, so I feel freer with her. I do not want pity nor do I want to be a martyr. Those roles are strong in my people pleasing history.

In what areas of my past am I willing to be completely honest?
With my sponsor, I can reveal everything. I want to do that because it will help me figure out what to keep and what to toss. In reasoning things out with someone else, lights get turned on for me. Discussing sex is difficult, but it all is part of the people pleaser, abandonment fearing person I was because of my environment. The things I did because I just wanted someone to pay attention make me cringe, but I need to get on with my recovery.

What are some of the advantages that I might get from admitting my faults?
I get to know myself better, I get to take what I want and leave the rest, I get to look at things in a different perspective, that is, as someone who desparately needed survival tools. I do not need survival tools anymore, I need living tools.

Can I see that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be?
Oh yeah, and I am relieved. My mantra right now is there is a God, and I am not it. I can quit trying to be perfect by minding my own business and keeping my mouth shut. I have no idea of someone else's perspective, background and/or needs; how can I possibly have answers for them? Before, I always thought I needed the answers.

With whom will I share my fifth step? What qualities makes this person that I choose?
I will share with my sponsor. She is nonjudgemental, a great listener, has a terrific sense of humor. She also appreciates me and my sense of humors and my analogies. I like to be appreciated and can accept that I am good at pealing back layers to get to the basics of a situation. I can accept that now without thinking that I am faking it. My sponsor helps me to accept the things I am good at, which is important to me because I know I am showing her the true me.

Do I have any of these qualities myself? Did I do this them under my assets? Yes. I can relate to her because she is like me in many respects. We do a lot of laughing and crying together. I think both are important in life. It just occurred to me that I have shown many many people the laughing side of me, very very few the crying side.

How does my desire to perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally even after hearing my first step?
It is very very hard for me to accept unconditional love. I wonder at that. I had a very sweet relationship with one of our dogs and I think it was because I new she just loved ME. The idea of being loved just for me, not for what I can do or say, is something I need to work on. I work on my HP loving me by looking at nature, at its beauty and own perfection and tell myself that I am part of this beauty. It is a novel thought for me.
In working my first step what have I discovered about the exact nature of my wrongs?
I am accepting that I did the best I could with the tools I have. I will not try to justify my wrongs, I did them and accept that. What I do know is that my outlook was skewed and I acted accordingly. I just wanted someone to care. That to me right now is sad. I feel sorry that people, including me, have to do that. But I will not dwell in pity because I have things to do to have progress, not perfection, in my life.I am so ready to move on

What have I discovered about fear? Honesty, trust and acceptance?
I have discovered that I am a very fearful person, that I am not honest and that I do not readily accept people. When I was little, my mom attempted to commit suicide, and I think that that left me fearing abandonment. I can remember thinking that I always had to be home so that mom would not hurt herself. My dishonesty was sins of omission-I always said what I thought people wanted to hear so that they would stick around. As a result, I have no idea what I think about things. I am looking forward to figuring that out. As for acceptance, I need to work on accepting me. I am the only one I get. I readily accept others; myself, not so much.

hotrod · Guru

AKK Thank you for you clarity and honesty I too was guilty of the "Sin of omission" I would not speak my truth and made myself invisible in order to please others
You did well in working this step. Keep coming back and sharing the journey. Glad you have a sponsor.

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.