Betty,

 

Thank you for your service and share on Step 8. Step 4 involved some consideration of the impact of our actions on others, but this step really called for me to give deeper consideration to my actions as they were received by others. It calls for me to recognize the negative impact of my thoughts, feelings, and actions on others, and identify what I need to do about it.

One of the things that I uncovered in Step 4 was an appreciation for my willingness to admit I was wrong or had had wronged others. This was a responsibility that I have always felt strongly about, and with no exceptions that I could recall, tried to carry out in all of my dealings with others. As a result, I felt no dread of concept of reaching out to others to make amends for my negative actions as it is something I have done at sometime with most everyone I have been around.

After working through steps 1-7, however, my view of what behavior towards myself and others is negative or calls for making amends has changed. So while I actively carried few, if any, amend debts before I came to AlAnon, after coming to a better sense of my character defects, I have realized that there was behavior toward myself and others that was harmful, and had not been properly addressed. My internalized fear and tendency to try to control outcomes as identified in Step 4 were not victimless. 

So it was through a new lens that I considered and weighed my actions and behavior at Step 8, and I was able to identify candidates who I felt deserved amends, putting myself at the top of the list. I do feel entirely willing to make amends to everyone on the list, and am incredibly grateful for the wisdom and guidance of AlAnon and my hp that made this possible.

Step 8 Questions

Have I resisted making a list? If so why?

No. I like lists, I like a systematic approach to reviewing and keeping track of my tasks. My work in Step 4 helped stir the mind and raise awareness of the need to do this. I also appreciated the separation between Steps 8 and 9, allowing me in Step 8 to be willing, without associating the actual execution of the amends process with awareness and preparation.

Did I use my fourth step is a tool and preparing my list?

I did; also used meditation time to sort through deep feelings and seldom traveled memories to seek out any feelings of unease with others.

Do I understand that willingness is different than making the actual amends?

1.     I feel that I do; to me it means I am ready to pick up the phone, open a door, put pen to paper, or take action in order to initiate what I think should be done, yet I do none of those things. Working on One Day/Step at a time has helped me resist pulling worries and concerns from the future and piling them on my activities of the moment; it has helped me reduce the anxiety I caused myself in the past when I increased the perceived difficulty of an action by concerning myself with the outcome and results.

How willing are you might to be completely honest?

I feel I am very willing; honesty is something that I have always valued highly and have managed to hold to, even when it has been difficult or had unpleasant repercussions.

Which people on my list am I willing to contact first?

I am comfortable contacting anyone on the list. I placed myself first on the list and others in the order that they came to mind but general magnitude of my felt need to make amends. I could randomly assign each name and be willing to contact.

I have I included myself on my list if so why?

I did. I would not have thought of doing it if it wasn't mentioned in Paths to Recovery, but as I thought about it, it makes sense. As hard as I could be and was to some in my life, often those I loved the most, I was harder on myself...relentless. I have had to accept that and have been actively working to make changes, it seems fitting that I officially recognize that and address it in my amends.

How does the God of my understanding play a role in the  this step? 

My hp has guided me to the point that I can better recognize my actions and attitudes for what they are, and has guided me to a place where I want and am able to make lasting, real changes in how I treat myself and others.

As I work step eight, how do I envision it helping me and my relationship with the people in my life? My coworkers or friends and family?

I can not know, and I try not to think about how others will react or whether it will have an effect on their lives. But I absolutely believe it will help defrag my mind and clear the slate moving forward, allowing me to be more aware of my actions towards others and not let things go uncorrected. I believe I will be a better friend and person as a result of my work on all of the steps.  

Do I recognize when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?Am I willing to recognize the need for my amends? 

Every time I mind someone else's business, I am harming them and myself. I ask my hp daily for the willingness and ability to recognize this in myself and see where/when I need to make amends.

(Edited for font continuity)

-- Edited by Enigmatic on Sunday 8th of November 2015 04:38:16 PM

Thanks for sharing- to both of you. I am not at this step, but appreciate hearing how you have both worked through the parts of it. The piece for me to take away I suppose, is how my actions could cause harm to others and myself that are worthy of an amends. I am responsible for my own actions- the good and the bad. A good seed to plant for now.

Step 8 for me was/is a lovely one! I (like Paul) love to make lists. It makes me feel a bit more organized and methodical in my actions, thoughts and next steps. Because of how my brain is wired, when I first read this step, it scared me. that's because I was jumping ahead to Step 9 (and was not truly ready for it/that one.)

Step eight questions:


Have I resisted making a list? If so why?
- No....I too like lists. I prefer to write things down. More often than not, I get a simple kick out of ticking things off my list! But, taking the work done to date, it was quite easy to begin writing the list. When my mind wondered to amends-making, I would rely on what I've learned --- staying in the moment, trusting God, first things first --- to keep on task.


Did I use my fourth step is a tool and preparing my list?
- I did use my fourth step work to help with my list. I also did some independent brainstorming about my life, events, situations and painful memories. With each, I wrote down the name(s) of those present to study later how I may have harmed them and/or what made them a part of the equation.

Do I understand that willingness is different than making the actual amends?
- I look at willingness to mean readiness. This doesn't suggest that I am able and should run out to start making amends, it just means I am ready or in the process of being made ready. For each person I felt should be on my 8th step, my sponsor and I discussed. We talked about the situation first (in case I was still in the blame mode), and then we discussed my part and how it may have affected others. Lastly, we looked at the list of folks and included them or eliminated them - depending upon the other reviews. This backwards approach helped me align with 'principals before personalities'.


How willing you might to be completely honest?
- In another 12 Step program I am involved with, there is a section about, "How it Works." This section suggests that, rarely has a person failed who has followed the path suggested. It goes on to say that those who can not or will not follow this path are simply incapable of being honest with themselves. It suggests it's not their fault, they were born this way, naturally incapable of grasping & developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty."

For me, I know that without complete honesty, my results will be limited. The only path for me to actual serenity and peace of mind is by being completely and totally honest.


Which people on my list am I willing to contact first?
- After myself, family members are always close to the top. As a part of recovery, I have decided that family is forever, even with the chaos, drama and dysfunction. We don't get to pick our family, our HP put us together for a reason. I consider them relevant to my current life and a portion of my future for as long as I breathe.


I have I included myself on my list if so why?
- I have included myself on the list and that's because if I am to practice self-care, self-love and self-direction with HP, I truly have no choice but to change how I see me, talk to me and love me. I have spent many, many years putting everyone else before me, and that's just no way to treat your true life-long companion. Denial was alive and well within my being, and that appears to be a 'bold-face lie' as I ponder it's function, purpose and intent. I owe me a better treatment through this program than I have been delivering.


How does the God of my understanding play role in the this step ?As I work step eight, how do I envision in helping me and my relationship with the people in my life? My coworkers or friends and family?
- I've done more than one 8th step and what's been such a gift is the revealing of more situations/events as I am ready to analyze and process them. My God gives me exactly what I need (to know) when I need it and has never left me in a lurch or feeling less than when I am aligning with this program. He's led me to this program, this forum (MIP), my home group, to my sponsor and doesn't let me down ever so long as I am working to align myself with his will.

- Step 8 helps me with my relationships as part of the readiness process suggests that when I am ready to make amends, I am ready to accept that person entirely as they are (good & bad) and allow them the dignity of being their true self even if/when it doesn't align with me/mine. I have no choice but to clean up my side of the street, hope they are receptive and then, if the relationship is important to me, work to be a better person, more accepting and tolerant of our differences. This is not possible without an alignment with God for me.


Do I recognize when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?Am I willing to recognize the need for my amends?
- It was a slow process for me to realize how enabling is so destructive to another's growth and learning. After all (in my mind & justification), I wasn't ever trying to harm others - I was trying to be helpful. It was destructive to them and me when I walked away from relationships just because they chose to use their will for their life(s). My helping others was not genuine, it was swallowed within an invisible package of self-will, self-serving and selfishness as it was truly all about me and not them. Being strong and confident enough to allow another to fail and/or live with the consequences of their choices has been a growing experience. Standing between another person and their bottom prolongs their disease as most folks don't make changes in their live(s) unless or until the pain is more than they can bear. If I buffer that pain, I stand between them and their next chapter, which may or may not include recovery!

Thanks Betty!