Betty, thank you very much for your service and your ESH involving step 10. Reading through the Paths chapter on this step helped me see how it really does pull from the first nine steps to deliver insight into my feelings and behavior.

Working through the Step 4 inventory was intense and revealing, very helpful for identifying strengths and areas of challenge going forward, but certainly not something that I could do on a daily basis. Having put in the time during step 4, however, and in the other steps before and after, allow me to quickly assess my performance in areas I know to be troublesome.

Fear drives my desire to control the uncontrollable and also displays itself in limiting and negative thoughts and behavior. Each morning during my daily reading and meditation, I try to imprint my mind with images of successfully executing program strategies. This helps me keep the tools close in mind and more likely for me to draw from in the moment. During my meditation at the end of the day, I then review my behavior and thoughts and note my successes and opportunities.

My progress has been very gradual, but I have only to recall my thoughts and behavior when I first found AlAnon to see a big difference in myself. When I stray from program tools and flash back to fear-driven behavior, I can sense it much more readily due to my program work. Taking a spot inventory is extremely helpful in identifying the thoughts and behavior that I want to change, and drawing from previously identified workarounds to get myself back on track.

As I work through the steps, my appreciation for the program continues to grow...I am so grateful

Step 10 for me is a great way to end each day. I was taught to settle in for the night, and sit quietly and contemplate the day. I was taught to ask myself what went good, what could have been better, what did I do that made me proud and what did I do that made me uncomfortable.

It is so much easier to examine me, my motives, actions, reactions on a daily basis and it gives me the facts I need to try and be different/do different tomorrow. For me, step 10 is as important each night as my meditations/readers/prayer are each morning. Often, as I find patterns of behavior that I would like to change, I see them in my nightly Step 10 and then add them to my morning prayers.

Often for me, in the beginning, my Step 10 brought forward amends I needed to make to another - usually my mouth/sharp tongue. I had to practice extensively to say what I mean, mean what I say but not say it mean - as I was one who could cut another badly with my words. It's a habit that I've had for as long as I remember, so it still at times is the first thought in a confrontation. This program has given me the tools to refrain, stop, pause, think and either not respond verbally or formulate a firm but kind response. I would never pause before Al-Anon. It's my goal to catch myself 'as I go' when necessary now. I am still often on the receiving end of most of my criticism, but that has improved greatly as time has gone on.

Step 10 questions


Did fear or faith will my actions. Today?
- I try to allow faith in God to lead me today. I've learned that I don't need to be in a hurry and the only thing I need to do 100% each day is treat my disease. If I do what's suggested in this program, and stay present and do the next right thing, I'm aligned with faith.

What positive traits did I exhibit today?
- I have been working on patience, tolerance and understanding today. My parents are here, and my mother can't remember 5 minutes ago and my father can't hear anything unless you scream. It's difficult for me to scream and not sound mean. My mother doesn't realize she can't remember things so gets defensive fast. I have to remember that we are all imperfect people, and I am grateful I still have them. It makes me sad at times as they are clearly showing declines in their health and quality of life. Certainly helps support the living in the moment goal we have in our program. I do enjoy being of service - getting them coffee, lunch, etc. - even when they snap and suggest they are not helpless!! LOL...


What negative traits did I exhibit today?
- I have done some eye-rolling and also tried to get my mother to 'remember that which she can't'. This memory loss is a new thing for me, and if it makes me fearful, I can't imagine how she feels - then again, she doesn't remember so she just gets angry. I also imposed a 'stay at home night' due to ice/snow as I didn't want to be stuck in the bad weather with 3 80+ folks along a road. We had plans in a nearby town, and I just said what I felt - it was not a good idea. I rarely stand up to my parents so it was uncomfortable and I wasn't as tactful as I could be.


How can I let go and let God?
- I am an anal person so tend to often over-analyze everything. Letting go and letting God for me happens after I apply the serenity prayer to an event or situation. I visually take the serenity prayer and consider what I can change, and if I have the courage to do so. Whether I do or do not take action, it helps me see what's within my span of control and that I can or could change. So - I look at the serenity prayer in reverse - wisdom to see what's mine, and then believe the only way to have serenity is to accept that which I can't change. Acceptance for me happens by turning it over to God - for me - to do this, I must visualize handing it upward and over (flipping my hands).

I am a strong willed person, so I have tried to take things back before and will do this over and over and over again, reminding myself that it's only for today that I am concerned with.


How did I try to fix anyone today?
- My best example for this day was trying to get my mother to remember that which she can not. Beyond that, no fixing, enabling and/or controlling. Snow days make me realize how powerless we truly are - the snow is beautiful and makes everything look clean however, it is dangerous and slippery at the same time.

Was I afraid of an authority figure? Or anyone else?
- I can honestly say that I have no fear of anyone today. Life is good, and this has been the best visit with my parents since they moved away.

If I was wrong, did I promptly admit it?
- Yes....I told my mom I must be remembering wrong even though it wasn't me who has a memory issue...We've had a lazy day so there hasn't been too much to be right/wrong about. It's easier for me today to recognize when I am wrong and admit it to be done with it. I no longer have the shame and fear of being wrong!


What can I do to take good care of myself today?
- I read my readings, participated in the forum, texted with one of my program friends, talked with my sponsor and am doing step work. Today, being snowed in has been a program/recovery day! I also worked on my store for a couple hours, which has been lacking due to company.


How could doing ideally 10th step inventory with another person help me?
- Step studies have helped me consider things that I've not concerned myself with. It was through a step study that I first heard about resentments and anger towards God for how my life turned out. I had not given that much thought until a friend in the program discussed it and it made a ton of sense. So working the steps with others helps me get a different view on the steps, the lists, the actions and reactions that I too can consider.


Why do I resist having my defects removed?'
- For me, I believe I resist because I fear change. I also have relied on my defects for survival before I knew there were other ways and that I wasn't alone. False pride, sarcasm, pretending and denial kept me functional until it didn't. Even though I hit a bottom and felt dead/destroyed inside, it was patterns and habits that were entrenched in my being. I have come to believe that change is good and growth is better!


After practicing the 10th step, how have my feelings about it, changed?
- I don't see the daily/nightly 10th step as optional. It's as natural to me now as brushing my teeth. Looking back on a day as it just happened is such a great gift to see where I need to focus my efforts for change. This step is a great step for continued growth, change and perpetual reminders of the principals of the program (which I need). I don't know that I had many feelings about it before - but find it mentally comforting to be able to look back on my day in a timely manner to make amends or change or just to enjoy any success I had compared to before!


What small things can I do to practice standing up for myself?
- My two favorite easy to use small tools are Yes and No are complete sentences. Beyond that, I have been practicing staying put and not verbally or 'physically' reacting when there is conflict. I have departed to the bathroom, the bedroom, the laundry room when I am uncomfortable with situations/words/events, and I have decided to practice hanging without engaging. It's going well - so long as I keep focused on how this disease works.

Two times in recent weeks - my AH has had a bad moment, attempted to blame me and I've chosen to just sit and not act/react. He has come back and apologized. Mind you - these are 2 events with an apology - there have been others, just 2 that he's owned and made amends for.


Thanks to all - it's a pleasure to work these steps with you!