Stepwork

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
 
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Step Work -> Step Work -> Alanon Step 1 (1-2016)
Post Info TOPIC: Alanon Step 1 (1-2016)
Taraxacum


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 3
Date:
RE: Alanon Step 1 (1-2016)
Permalink  

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
Yes, I was really trying to make my AH get sober, to make my son sleep, to make my co-workers understand and respect me. I felt it was my job to cajole everyone along towards what I thought was right or necessary.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Work, drunken episodes from AH, feeling personally responsible for sleep routine and tantrums of a preschooler
Whom do you feel victimized by? AH and his inability to function like the husband and father I want him to be, bosses who seem uninterested in my well being or work
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? I have given my emotions over to the things that drain me, I feel spun-out whenever AH drinks or fails to uphold family responsibilities
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding? Anything that requires me to change, or to face a difficult choice. If I choose to do nothing I can pretend these tings are happening to me - victim mode. AH's drinking problem, giving up control over parenting choices and duties, facing realities at work and choosing the next right steps to take for financial well being and a better more supportive work environment

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? I have to face my own choices, If I stay with AH with eyes wide open I am responsible for my choice. If I stop trying to control him I have to accept the ways in which I accepted his behaviors in the past and have created this environment for myself. I have to take responsibility for my own choices instead of trying to make choices for others.
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? I would have my life back in my own control, and would be in charge of making those big scary choices I have been avoiding. I feel like a baby bird being kicked out of a nest - it is time, but it is still scary.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability? I am irritable and often without even realizing it intimidate others to get what I want or to get them to agree with my point of view. I feel like my emotional self is out of control, I choose not to take any responsibility for the way I react in many situations, instead blaming others. I struggle to cope with my daily activities. I often feel stretched and maxed out. I often have things piling up that need to get done but I have not found the time or energy to do them.
What is your current condition in these areas:
emotions, I feel as if I have emotions but I am often unaware of them. I have closed myself off for so long I find it hard to really tap into this part of myself. Others see me as joyful and heartfelt. In some situations I feel I can be authentically connected to me feelings and use them as a source of strength. But I find it easiest to share these things with those who are not close to me. Paradoxically, I feel there are still large holes in my ability to feel my feelings in my important relationships and I am working on feeling more in my marriage - risking the negative emotions as well as sharing the good, and finding friendships and supportive spaces where I can share emotions within trusting relationships - - this is my learning edge. How do I form long lasting, trusting relationships where I feel comfortable sharing my emotions?
finances, My head is largely in the sand here. I have student debt. I have very little consumer debt. And I am working part time at a job that does not pay me consistently, and has had issues with renewing my contract etc which left me unemployed for months at no consequence to anyone else. I love the people I serve but the system is not set up to value me or my work. I am sort-of sometimes looking for a job but the part time job I have now is draining my energy and time. I need to focus more on meeting my own financial needs and getting my loans paid down so I can buy a home.
spirituality, I find this area perplexing. I am not religious and nothing could get me to believe in a spirit or god. And yet there is this aspect of connectedness which I do understand and it resonates with me on a physical level - I feel I have firm footing and understand my place in the web of life and for me that is as close to a spiritual belief as I may ever get. I find peace in nature and regularly give thanks to the plants, animals and non-living things which make my life possible and beautiful. 
physical health,I am working on recovering my strength after my leg fracture and the arthritic pain in my leg slowed me down for years. I still have pain and I don't want it to define me anymore
career? I feel as if my career is stalled out. I took time off to raise my son and would like to take more time to raise more kids. I have multiple degrees and would like to continuew to work in my field but feel unsure of what I should do next or how I can get into a sustainable position that pays well and offers the right balance for my life - - I'm beginning to feel like I have to create this for myself instead of waiting for something to materialize.
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment? Reading, knitting and crochet, gardening, walking in the forest

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated? I feel alone and isolated because I feel as If I can not be my full self in these relationships, I try to hide my negative emotions and keep my problems to myself - it feels as if these relationships are fake or non-existent because I keep everyone at a distance

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? My mind feels rushed, jumbled, and moody I feel as if I am trying to catch up to myself and always forgetting or dropping the ball somewhere
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? I don't know that I have an answer here. I know I am not taking responsibility. I do blame AH often and try to influence him - to make more money or to do what makes me happy. I also blame the health care system any time it feels too hard to get the care I want or need instead of digging in and doing the work required to access care
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships? I have largely been in denial about my relationships, or have accepted that my family and friends are not the right people to hold close and trust with my authentic self because of their own issues - I blame them sometimes, they are too mean, too gossipy, too detached and fake. I also blame my circumstances - "I'm a busy working mom of course I do not have real relationships" but this too is just an excuse. I am too scared to be honest with people - that is what is holding me back in my relationships.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? Extra hours at work, imbalanced parenting and decision making at home, continued poverty and financial missteps
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? Work, I just want to be home with my son but I feel like I can't choose that. Picking up AH's slack, any time his weaknesses show I feel resentful towards him. Somehow in my mind any time he is less than perfect it is a huge problem and I have to step in and fix everything blah blah it's all on me. nevermind that he helps me out every day. In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? I feel as if I never entertained the idea of choosing a spouse, AH chose me and that was that. i never even thought I could have some agency to choose a spouse or decline an interested man. I went along with everything, and lost big parts of myself because I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted. I also feel obligated to him now, after so many years and our relationship's many positive aspects I feel like I have to be aware of any choice I make and how it might impact him. No choice in health care - the system has determined which doctors i can see etc. I have to really work here to excercise choice and I find i do not have the energy and time to do so. With money and career I also feel limited in my choice or agency Who or what is trapping you? Mostly fear and the ideas of what I am "supposed to do" Whom do you most want to say something to? I want to tell AH how much I love him and still hold this reality of lack of choice or agency in my past which makes our relationship problematic - we are mismatched. Why do you feel you can't say it? I am afraid of the hurt it would cause, afraid he wouldn't be able to hear that and understand it as anything but a denouncement of our relationship

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? AH drank one night and came home still intoxicated. It was late at night and he was lying to me, claiming he hadn't been drinking when he could hardly stand. He laid in our bed passed out while I cried and raged. I hated that feeling, I wanted so badly to control him to keep him from drinking anymore but when he came home drunk this last time, after almost a year of "quitting cold turkey" over and over, it was obvious it wasn't my choice, I couldn't make him get sober and he was very sick. I was a mess and I had to call out from work more than once - my emotions were ruling over me. I knew at that point his drinking was taking over my life and I needed help
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Who or what are you most Worried about? I worry about my actions and values being passed on to my son. I worry that he will not know how to have healthy relationships because he will be watching and learning from me. I also worry that I will settle for very little in life instead of being brave enough to go after what I truly want.
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Yesterday, I spent time just relaxing alone. It was wonderful and too rare.
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? I am causing a lot of misery for myself. I have let fear rule over me, and I have cowered away from making many meaningful choices in my life - instead playing victim and taking whatever comes along.
 
This process was really helpful for me, thanks for posting the questions online. I read through these and answered them the dayI started alanon and can already see how my answers are changing - slowly.


__________________
hotrod


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1023
Date:
Permalink  

Hello Tara, Thank you for taking the time to respond to Step one with such clarity, honesty and detail . Working the Steps is truly a journey of discovery . Glad you are here.

__________________
Betty
Drifus


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
Permalink  

Hi,

I am new to the Al-Anon group and have found some peace from it.  I have attended several meetings over the last month and wanted to start at least looking at the steps.  I saw the post saying it is better to have a sponsor for steps 4-10, but thought I could start on the first 3 at least.  I intend on finding a sponsor but wanted to be more proactive.  At least then I can feel like I am doing something positive to get out of my person funk within the situation.

Thanks for the posts and help throughout.

Amber



__________________
hotrod


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1023
Date:
Permalink  

Welcome Amber, I have found that the Steps are the keys to recovery so please do join in and share the journey. You are not alone .

__________________
Betty
Jessco


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:
Permalink  

New here, thanks for doing this.

 

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
 
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
 
Of course I have. I have always tried to control everyone and everything and I feel like all of my energy is being used for this one purpose of trying to make the world and the people in my life fit this mold that none of them conform to.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Whom do you feel victimized by?
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
 
Right now it's everything. I normally place blame on my ABF. Though he says he's been sober for nine months, I don't believe him. I don't believe anything he says. I don't trust him after finding out he was using behind my back. I don't trust him after finding out he was shot at by old dealers and didn't tell me until three days later. I'm constantly looking for his tells or signs that he's keeping something from me and it's exhausting. My life is ruled by the obsession I have with needing to prove he's lying to me. Any time he's around me, I feel consumed by the need to watch every move he makes, every word he says looking for anything. Then I get so angry with him when I think I've found something. But I can't say anything because it's all just in my head. It leads to a fight and I avoid confrontation like the plague (funny how I'm looking for it, though, huh?) I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and so so so ready to just stop with this unhealthy behavior.

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
 
I think if I stopped trying to control him I would have to face the reality that I don't want our relationship to continue any more. If I stopped letting him control me, I would be happier. I would go back to my old hobbies instead of sitting around, waiting for him to tell me what he wants to do. I would stop putting everything in my life on hold for his plans and his needs. I might even be able to reclaim myself as an individual instead of just being "so-and-so's girl". 

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
 
My emotions are all over the place. I have frequent mood swings and can go from completely fine to angry beyond belief, just with the presence of my ABF. I think all of these areas reflect my unmanageability. Finances are a mess because I'm constantly trying to keep the peace and keep him from throwing tantrums by getting him whatever he wants, even if we can't afford it. Every month his step-dad, or even his kids have to loan us money for food, gas, or electric and he sees nothing wrong with that. He has no desire to be financially independent and being reliant on others absolutely kills me.
 
My physical health is abysmal too. A little over a year ago, I lost 80lbs and was doing really well. Then he lost his job and I was the only source of income (see finances) and I let my eating get away from me. I'm nearly back to where I started, none of my clothes fit me and I just feel like a disgusting human being in general for losing sight of my own goals and letting myself sabotage all my progress. It's soul-crushing to think back to where I was and look at how far away from that I am.
 
My career is... passable. From the outside, it might look like I'm doing okay. I'm a self-published author and I actually make an okay living, but I know it could be so much better. We have a constant battle of not having enough money, but when he's home, it's like it's my responsibility to entertain him. Yesterday, when I was working, he walked out of the bedroom every five minutes, not saying anything, just walking to the kitchen and looking around sadly, waiting for me to say I was done working so we could go shopping (with money his step-dad gave us, I'll add). I got so angry because I knew he was being manipulative and passive aggressive and I'm just so over it! My career has been stagnant because of our poor money management. Without having any funds to put into promotion of my books, my audience isn't growing. We're barely scraping by and it's harder and harder to be creative when I'm wondering if we're even going to have food for dinner.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
 
I don't talk to my family much. All I have is my grandparents who live in Pennsylvania (I'm in FL) and they have enough problems of their own without worrying about mine. I generally only call them when I have good news, so the calls are few and far between. My ABF's family is much closer. They live about five minutes away. He has three great kids, one lives up north and the other two are in high school (one to be graduating in May!) His mom is just as crazy as he is and I'm convinced she has some form of Munchhausen's (despite being in the 50s, she's broken both her hips and her femur, all just from "falling down") and because his parents raise his kids, there are a lot of things that happen in that house we don't know about. Also, all the money his step-dad gives us is "secret" from his mom. These kind of lies and secrets make me sick to my stomach. It's not how I ever wanted to live my life and he sees absolutely nothing wrong with it.
 
Even though I'm self-employed, I chat with other authors I know. There's a group of about 10 or so of us that chat daily, nearly all day, and we help each other with plotting, editing, etc. We even have a mini-economy -- one of us can do websites for the others, I'm the resident editor, someone else is really good at re-writing first chapters, that kind of thing. I love these guys and they're the one thing that's kept me even the tiniest bit sane.
 
But on the other hand -- I only know them online. We're facebook friends and we talk daily, but it's not like I can just go see someone when I'm having a rough time. I'm completely alone and isolated when it comes to having anyone local I can turn to. I have no friends near me, no one that I can meet for coffee or lunch. I have no where to go when I just need to get away from him and proximity makes everything feel worse.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
 
My mind is anything but clear and consistent. I'm a basket case right now, crying at the drop of a pin, oscillating between love and hate, anger and joy. I feel like a crazy person. 
 
To be honest, I'm holding my ABF responsible for all of this. I know that's not fair and I know I need to start taking some responsibility for our situation, too. I've stopped trying to patch the new snags in our relationship. I've been trying to make the transition easier when it does eventually happen and I've realized I've become downright abusive towards him with the things I say and how I react. He's told me on multiple occasions that he feels like he's walking on eggshells with me and feels like I'm criticizing everything he does. He's not wrong. The only thing I had to say was "Now you know how I felt for years". I feel horrible about that.
 
I feel like a monster. I want to blame him for this. It's easier to blame him. He's the one with the addiction that tore us apart, but I was complacent. And so codependent.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
 
I'm resentful about just about everything in my life. I've gotten to such a bitter negative place that I can't be thankful or happy about anything.
 
I feel like I have to work. I have to do the household chores. I have to run the errands. Even though I'm working full time and he's only working one day a week, and only a few hours, at that. I feel trapped by our lease. I was hesitant to even put my name on it when we moved in and now I can't get out of it. I feel trapped by my finances. There's no way I could afford to live on my own right now. I feel like I have no choice but to stay here in this situation, growing more and more resentful every day, turning into this awful monstrous person I don't even recognize.
 
I want to be able to tell my ABF about my feelings, but I know he would get defensive, he'd turn the tables on me, he'd manipulate me and shut me down before I ever got a word in. He'd instantly be a victim before I could even explain that I just want some space. I know if I tried to explain how I want to live on my own, he'd shut it down and say that's not what relationships are. And that would inevitably lead to us breaking up. I'm prepared for this (even if the thought does still reduce me to tears on a regular basis) but I have to try to put it off until the lease is over or... I don't know what will happen.

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Who or what are you most Worried about?
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
 
There's no particular incident. A friend of mine has been talking about moving out of her parents' house and we commiserated over not being able to afford solo living. We're talking more and more seriously about rooming together when my lease is up and... I just know the shitstorm that's coming. I know I'm going to need guidance, bravery, serenity and support to get through this situation.
 
The last time I did something nurturing for myself is actually in the future I guess. I decided to go on a weekend retreat with other local authors, despite claims of "I don't trust myself if you're not around". I've stuck to my guns, I've made sure we'll have the money available to pay for it, and this weekend I'm going to be completely unplugged. I can't wait. I hope it provides a little relief for my constant overwhelming despair.
 
I used to think that if he was sober, or if he did this, or did that, everything would be better. Just like magic. But now, I don't think there's anything he can do. I don't trust him any more. I'll never stop looking for something... anything... I can't live like this and I can't live with him without it being like this.


__________________
hotrod


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1023
Date:
Permalink  

Welcom Jessco I appreciate your well thought out honest share on this Step. By taking this Step you are nuturing yourself in a positive manner and are on your way. Please keep coming back, as the Steps are the key to recovery and you have so much potential to be released.



__________________
Betty
Jessco


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:
Permalink  

Thanks hotrod :) I'm going to a beginner meeting tonight and I'm so excited.



__________________
hotrod


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1023
Date:
Permalink  

Great Let me know how it goes :)

__________________
Betty
JackiAnn


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
Permalink  

I have been struggling with my sons addiction for 5 years.  Before that, Ive been married to two addicts, both of whom are deceased.  For me, dealing with my sons addiction has been far worse.  I need help for me.  I dont know how this works, I know most of the posts in response to this step are from months ago, but I will use this as a place to try to get honest with myself.

 

Step one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives were unmanageable. 

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?

I dont know if I have been trying to exert power or influence.  I know I used to.  When I first learned my son was doing drugs (he was 18), I thought I could control it.  I thought I could maybe fix it.  I think it took about two years before I accepted that I couldnt.  I know I cant fix or control him, so my goal has been to show him love and support, though I now realize the way I chose to show that has been at the expense of my own sanity and well-being, at the expense of my younger sons. 

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

My sons addiction and his choices and behavior make me feel crazy and cause me stress. I feel victimized by him and by my younger son often.  I feel like both of them control me and my emotions. 

I have been running from feelings of guilt, anger, grief, and hopelessness.  I just started counseling last week.  My husband died in 2010 unexpectedly.  In 2012, I learned he had been abusing my addicted son for most of his life.  I have guilt over not seeing it and not protecting him.  I have anger over what my husband did.  I have grief over losing him, and losing the idea of himof who I thought he was.  I have guilt over not being able to love away the pain in both my boys.  I feel hopeless when I look at the turmoil and chaos in my life.  I feel hopeless when I look at how far life is from where I thought it would be.  I have pain that I dont take the time to feel because I am too busy trying to be all I need to be for my children.   

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

I would have to face the fact that I cant save my boys from their choices, and the consequences of their choices.  I would have to face the imperfections in myself.  I would have to forgive myself for my mistakes as a mom.  If I stopped allowing all of this to control me, I would have to think about building a life of my own, which terrifies me.  I would have to reconcile the guilt that would come from trying to do that. 

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect on manageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

Emotions:  I am depressed, and on an antidepressant and anxiety medication.  I ignore my emotions until they cant be ignored anymore.  I rarely feel joy or peace.

Finances:  I have spent so much money on my children.  I have this crazy idea that if I have it to give, I am a terrible person if I dont give.  I have no nest egg or cushion because I am constantly giving to them and helping them. 

Spirituality:  Feelings of guilt, anger, and just overwhelming feelings in general keep me from enjoying the level of spirituality I once had, and this keeps me from feeling the peace and joy I once had.  Past hurts keep me from being in church like I want to bel

Physical health:  Worry and stress keep me from taking care of myself.  Ive gained weight, I just went on high blood pressure meds.  I started smoking again.  Im always tired.  I have not made me or my health a priority in a very long time.

Career:  I have not been able to give my career the attention and priority it should have because of the chaos in my personal life. 

Fun, pleasure, and enjoyment:  It has become very difficult for me to make myself do anything for pleasure.  Sometimes, when I force myself to do something for pleasure, I enjoy it, but the effort it takes to do it feels monumental.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Family:  I dont communicate with most of my family.  They are toxic, and where I used to communicate out of obligation, I no longer have the energy for it.  I live for my relationships with my children, so when they are good, I feel good.  When they are bad, I feel awful. 

Friends:  I have good friends.  But, sometimes, I withdraw from them because I feel so empty and lacking in anything to give them.

Co-workers:  I avoid co-workers.  I have a new job and I isolate because I feel so empty.

Alone and isolated:  Most times I feel so down that I dont want to be around others.  I have avoided romantic relationships because I feel the need to keep my focus on my kids.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships? 

My mind rarely feels clear and consistent.  My emotions hang on my kids.  My finances and health are so far down on the list of priorities.  I hold myself to blame for the state of my relationships.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

I am resentful that I feel like my only role in life is mom.  I love being a mom, but I am resentful that I have been left to be a mom with no dad.  I am resentful that no matter how hard I try, I always seem to fall short in the eyes of at least one of my children.  I feel like I have no choices with my sons, like I have to put up with whatever they throw my way.  I want to tell my older son that I cant be his ONLY source of support.  That I cant come to his aid at the drop of a hat.  I want to tell my younger son that I am tired of being disrespected, taken for granted, and taken advantage of, and both of themthat my feelings matter too and that I am so passed the end of my rope and hanging on by a thread.  I feel like I cant say it because I am the only parent they have and they have both lost so much. 

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? 

 

My depression has reached a paralyzing place.  I dont want to get off the couch and I know I cant live the rest of my life like this.  The straw that brought me here was when my 22 year old son turned himself in and went to jail for burglary/robbery, my 17 year old son moved in with his sister for 5 days, and I was feeling like I wished I could just go home to Heaven so I didnt have to deal with it anymore.  I am most worried about my boys and their futures.  I went to counseling and a support group, which was loving and nurturing for me.  I feel like if my boys behaved differently, I would be happy.



__________________
JackiAnn
hotrod


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1023
Date:
Permalink  

(((JackiAnn))) Welcome Please know that by attending alanon and deciding to work the Steps you have take a huge Step in support of yourself. I know that dealing with the alcoholism of a child is much more difficult than that of a spouse.
I found that meetings, the steps , and connecting with others who truly understood provided me with the support and courage to keep showing up one day at a time. You are not alone and there is hope.
Keep coming back. Your honesty, clarity and trust in a HP are all that is needed to recover. You are not alone

__________________
Betty
FHP


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:
Permalink  

I'm pretty new to Al Anon, but have been attending the online meetings when they happen. I did step one before, but these are my responses from today. I think I've learned a little but have a long way to go.


1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

Yes. I keep trying to reach my husband. We started marriage counseling, and she encouraged us to communicate. That goes ok until he goes into his head and stops making any sense. I get keep trying to get him to come back to reality. When he doesnt come back, I get frustrated with him, and if he gets angry at me, I get angry.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Whom do you feel victimized by?
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

My husband, and my chronic illness. He is my caretaker and hes not a good one when hes checked out. Its hard to need him to do something as simple as close a window so I can go to bed, but hes not answering his phone. Last night I was so angry at him for that I couldnt sleep for hours. I couldnt stop being angry. I tried reading the literature, praying, trying to forgive, but I couldnt stop the anger. Thats not my norm, and I dont understand why it was so overwhelming. Maybe because its on top of too many times where hes raged at me or neglected me when I was too weak to do things for myself.


3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

Im not sure what Id have to face, unless its deciding whether to stay and work on the marriage or leave. Thats complicated by my physical illness.
I think that if I didnt keep trying to communicate honestly with my husband, the marriage would be dead.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

My physical life is unmanageable. He keeps me sicker, through raging at me every couple of days and/or neglect. I think there must be a way to stop that happening but I dont know what it is. When we dont try to communicate about anything other than logistics, I get stronger. But the marriage counselor wants us to communicate. I feel stuck in the middle and dont know how to do this.

Emotional - generally good, other than when he rages, or when I get too angry. I think there must be some way to unhook so Im not so affected by his anger, or to not get so angry myself but I dont know how to.

Finances - bills paid, a little let over to share with other people.

Spirituality - I know God is with me always. Im having trouble trusting God to deal with too many things I cant, like my husbands rages or my chronic illness.

Physical health - very poor.

Fun - knitting when Im not too weak, reading books to grandkids via skype, reading online, chatting with friends via text, watching the tree outside my window.


5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Family - good with kids, brothers, friends, grandkids, poor with husband.
I do have relationships, but I also sometimes feel alone and isolated because no matter how much people care, being housebound is the pits.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

My mind ranges from ok to too fuzzy to think. Thats part of the illness.
Im holding my husband responsible for my emotions and health. His crazy thinking has a huge impact on me.
Other relationships are more give and take, I take responsibility for my part, and theyre generally good.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

I feel very resentful that Im so sick and my husband keeps me that way. Hes not responsible for the illness, but he does make it much worse.
I have a couple of choices about where to live, but my physical health complicates those.
I dont have a problem saying what I want to say. Sometimes its very scary when my husband is raging, and I have developed PTSD from that, so Im easily triggered. But I can still tell the truth about where I am, sometimes calmly, sometimes not.

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Who or what are you most Worried about?
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

My husband started attending AA. I knew that things werent working between us, in spite of the years of counseling for military PTSD hes had. I hoped that Al Anon would help me not be so affected by his bad behaviors. Im most worried about myself, because I cant keep living like this and I need to be stronger physically to move or to tell my husband to leave.
I havent done anything today to nurture myself. Yesterday I read How Al Anon Works, looked at grandkid pictures, ate well, enjoyed the tree outside my window, prayed, chatted with friends, read a novel.
My husband causes me misery. I do feel if he would stop targeting me for feelings he has inside his own head, raging at me, and being so entirely self centered he doesnt see me, I would be happy. There are times when he is kind and we talk and its good. Wed always been able to talk and be together, but the past 4 years have been miserable, very very little real communication. I miss it so much.





__________________
hotrod


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1023
Date:
Permalink  

((FHP)) Good work sharing with such honesty and clarity on this important Step. Please try to be gentle with yourself.
Program is a process and takes time before we can see and feel the results. Please keep on keeping on You are not alone .

__________________
Betty
FHP


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you, Betty. I will try to keep in mind that it's a process, and be more gentle with myself. I'm glad I'm not alone.

__________________
Lydia630


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
Permalink  

I am really new to Al Anon... 

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
 
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
I have been trying to control my husbands drinking. I have emptied our house of alcohol only for him to go buy bigger bottles, or a clear alcohol as opposed to a darker alcohol. I have refused to take part in drinking at any function we attend hoping he would follow suit and realize I am "a supportive" partner. I have tried to move out to force him to "see he has a problem" only to have to move back in. All of these attempts have been unsuccessful and leave me feeling less in control than before I had tried to control his behavior. 

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? My Husband. I feel that he manipulates me through finances, through his words, and by making me feel guilty. I have to ask permission to take a shower and meet my own NEEDS because he is "tired". 
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
I have been avoiding giving him an ultimatum. I've been denying that my marriage is failing because we do have "honeymoon" periods. I've been avoiding talking to his family about my husband's drinking because they drink heavily as well and seem to think I am more of a problem for him than alcohol.

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? I would have to face that I may not be able to stay with my husband. He may not choose a sober life.
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? Start focusing on my health, and happiness. 

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability? My marriage, my relationships with my parents because they "don't want to give me advice" but clearly wish I was no longer with my husband. 
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? Emotions, finances and spirituality are all out of whack. Some days I feel connected, and others days I feel aloof or like I am floundering.  My career is on track. I am not following up on appointments or taking the medications I should because I am neglecting my own needs in that area. 
 
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment? Taking my son outside to play. Currently that is it. 

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
 
My family loves me, and wants to be supportive. They don't seem to know how to do that. I am distant from my friends, but my coworkers would see me as reliable. 
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
 
I know that there are people that care about me and that I can reach out to. I feel guilty doing so. I feel like I am burdening them with all of the negativity in my life right now. I also feel that I am afraid they will judge me, or lecture me. 

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
No my mind feels crowded and disconnected. 
 
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
Myself for these three. 
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships? I want to blame my husband and his drinking. I know that I am not helping the situation, and I feel awkward and unable to reach out to people. 

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? Making excuses for my husband's drinking. Worrying if he is drinking while hes at home with my 3 year old or driving with my 3 year old in the car after drinking. I feel resentful that I have those thoughts, and that they aren't "crazy" notions. I feel resentful that my marriage is failing. All I ever wanted was a family of my own. 
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
I feel I have to move out and have physical boundaries between my husband and myself. He stomps all over any emotional boundaries I create. I feel that I don't have the option to do this. Financially I am trapped and have no where else to go.  I want to tell my husband's parents that they need to stop sticking a drink in his hand the second he steps foot in their home. That they are helping him kill himself and our marriage. I feel I can't say it because they drink heavily too, and they will not see anything wrong with his or their own actions. My husband goes to work and "works hard" so he "deserves a drink". 

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
I am constantly daydreaming about living alone with just myself and my son. Away from chaos and where my decisions are made for me and my son only. That isn't normal. 
 
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Total Newbie. 
 
Who or what are you most Worried about?
I'm worried about my toddler. His dad is angry when he doesn't have a drink - he won't understand why he yells. I'm worried my husband will never stop drinking. 
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?
I can't remember. Maybe today, filling this out. 
 
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? My husband is. If he behaved differently I think I could be happy. I'm not sure if this is too far gone. 


__________________
hotrod


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1023
Date:
Permalink  

Welcome Lydia Thank you for participating and sharing your thoughts on this important step. I appreciate your honesty and clarity and look forward to sharing the journey.

__________________
Betty
awakening


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:
Permalink  

Hi, thank you for this resource, very grateful member. I love step 1 and try to think of it each day and in different circumstances. Whenever I get that panicky feeling like I want to control I try to say these words and admit im powerless. There is freedom in this step for me because then I can let go and enjoy people as they are which is much more pleasant for everyone.

Step 1 Questions
 
 
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
 
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
 
Yes, I have been. With my sister, whom I have decided is unhappy, negative, fearful. so I think I have forgotten from time to time that im powerles, not only to change her but in truly knowing if she is unhappy or fearful. I need to remember I have no power into others minds and so I cant make these judgements on anyone. Im powerless over my son who drinks and has this awful disease. I cant change his compulsion to drink but at times I try to control or change his negative thinking in a variety of ways. I may take up his time or try to get him to hear my view which I think is better!! Its back to the ego really when we dont use this step and admit we are powerless. I often get confused by boundaries and control.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Whom do you feel victimized by?
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
 
My sister, my sons, my partner, my friends. Everyone can drive me crazy at times and cause me stress. Usually due to my intolerance and fear based control that keeps cropping up. When I remember to use step one It gives relief from this.
I try hard not to think of myself as a victim although my thinking can be a little bit like that, the whole they said this or they said that etc, and it is the poor mes
I dont think I have given control to anyone on one level. I do what I want and feel quite free in many ways but I can still be easily controled due to the people pleaser in me. So for example, I wanted to leave after spending time with friends and one friend quite blatantly manipulated me and I let her and even said it at the time so I became like a puppet and did what she wanted me to do and denyed my own needs. due to guilt and people pleasing. Then I can feel a bit victimised. Also, my partner sometimes uses the poor hims to try to get what he wants and I can react quite badly to this, either giving in or becoming angry.
Right now I think im being controlled by my relationship with my partner but to a much lesser extent. I do get obsessed about things and it takes me from my recovery and my contact with my higher power and I think its a slip because its like im back to looking in other places for my happiness and serenity and I know it cant be found there but its as if some other force is within me and i get a bit lost. so I am on a mission to get what I want as soon as possible and at any cost. I justify it with some of what I learned in recovery like im living life fully and thats what my higher power wants for me but actually Ive been driven by my own wants and desires and less about what is actually good for me. You know, those things in life that give short term pleasures and dont feed the soul. Distracting me from the real stuff like my step work and my meetings and my service. Ive been letting other things control me, my love life, my desire to earn money, my craving for sweet food, my desire to socialise and be out enjoying myself. All of it doesnt really help me recover because its all in excess and about just feeling good in the moment.
Ive been running from the need to set clear boundaries for my sons who both live with me at the moment. My youngest son smokes cannibas in my home and I turn a blind eye to it because i think im grateful he doesnt drink like his brother and there may be a part of me that feels if i insist he stops and he does then maybe there is an alcoholic lurking inside. Im also avoiding the boundary I  made for myself that I wouldnt live with active drinking again and I have allowed my son to live with me for these last few months and he has been drinking. However, Ive tried to keep hands off but with this have not defended my boundaries and therefore have taught him once again that my words are worthless with no action to back them. There have been unexpected positives. Despite seeing him drunk, there has been no agression or abuse yet, he has been pleasant, he has admitted he has a problem, he has been to an AA meeting and to be honest our relationship has been lovely and ive been grateful for this and it has outweighed the drinking.

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
 
If I stopped trying to control my partners view of me, he might see some of my faults and not want me and reject me. If I stopped trying to control my weight I will be huge and again my partner wont want me and I will hate myself, If i stop trying to control what goes on in my house I could lose my tenancy, if i stop trying to control my sons they might go off the rails entirely and reflect badly on me and make me worry and fearful. Wow this is all quite manipulative and selfish and fear based.
If i stopped allowing my partner to control me, I would feel better about myself, he would either like it or not but it would be truth based reality instead of fantasy or the tailored to his needs type of me. If fear stopped controlling me I would have more time to enjoy all that life has the good and bad.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
 
At the moment there is some level of unmanageability in all aspects of my life and the more I think about it it is because I havent fully embraced this step into my life at all times. Is it possible to? Maybe i havent quite accepted my humanness and still looking for the unattainable perfection even in my journey in recovery. My finances arent great, my diet is up and down some days good some bad, my excersise routine has fell lately, my relationships have an element of unmanagability to it because I just say yes to all requests from friends and my partner and family and so I find little time just for me doing whatever I want. Although I enjoy my social life and asked my higher power for it and now I have it I have jumped in fully and have not yet found balance with it. I need to spend time meditating and getting in touch with my higher power. Sometimes my life is all about fun because im driven by things i like, I take it to the max. Little self control and just do whatever i get pleasure and fun from and it sounds good but its a distraction like other less fun things were. I enjoy watching movies, going out to eat with friends, going to meetings, talking with my sponsor, spending quality time with my partner, hill walking, yoga, being with my family.
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
 
Currently, thanks to Alanon my relationships are on the whole very good. I try not to interfere or control too much with my three grown children, I am cheerful, kind, fair, compassionate with them as much as possible.My relationship with my friends are generally good, i feel loved and cared for although they are mostly spiritually lacking to be honest, my relationship with my partner is tricky because were at the whole early stages so its all romance and passion so not really got to the nitty gritty yet, hes a people pleaser and Im kind of enjoying it, is that wrong? lol My relationship with my sister is not good, since I got into program i feel different and we are not getting along as good. I have been a major people pleaser all my life and I think that was the glue holding us together, now Im unwilling to put on the show and take full responsibility fo rour time together so its strained. I am not feeling isolated at all for the first time in my life really, I have a wide circle of people now in my life and its thanks to my new changed attitude in alanon.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
 
Sometimes but Im always on guard for my ego to creep in. there are times when situations confuse me and i desperately search for the right thing to do and fear dominates this is usually when my son is drinking and to do with my son. When all is okay with him I can grasp other small things and turn it into huge things and feel turmoil around it, almost as if i need that turmoil.
I think i hold myself responsible mostly for all of it. I can creep into the victim mode and blame others for how Im feeling or if ive spent too much money or my diet or whatever but ultimately i bring it back to me and I dont stay in victim mode too long these days because i know how dangerous it can be and how its not the truth and is denial.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
 
Im resentful about lots of things sometimes. I can be resentlfu about my apartment, it needs work done and im tired of fighting for repairs so i let it go and then i get angry about it. Im resentful when things dont go my way in my relationships especially with my partner and my sister. I feel i need more acceptance of them as they are and let go of trying to force outcomes to suit me.
I feel I have to get some healthy boundaries in my home with both sons. My eldest son needs to stand on his own two feet. I am enabling again even though I know its hurting him. Im unsure about the right thing, Im forgetting to hand it over to my higher power or discuss it with my sponsor or write it out. Im kind of going with the flow and for now even though hes drinking there has been no crisis, hes even been to a meeting and i have a bit of hope. Our relationship is much better but the fear is still there. 

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Who or what are you most Worried about?
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? 

 I reached a bottom where I surrendered my own solutions, thinking, ideas,. I had came to the end of my own resources and finally admitted I needed help. My thinking was automatically negative and I reached out and went to a meeting.

My sn living with me again has been plaguing me, hes still drinking and Im scared of the disease while it is untreated, it seems my life is based on luck right now rather than just being safe and relaxed, its like im waiting for the crisis to come. Hes lost his gf and job and ive given him a safe palce, although he has admitted drink has lost him those things he says he feels happy and has got himself a new gf already. It all seems very fragile and its making my life feel compromised. Everything I have learned seems to be a little lost and im at the beginning again. 

 


__________________
hotrod


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1023
Date:
Permalink  

Welcome Awakening I can readily identify with all you shared. Thanks for sharing with such honesty and clarity .
The First Step is a powerful tool in our journey to recovery and I too take each each morning. Keep coming back

__________________
Betty
ConnieK


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
Permalink  

Hi, I'm Connie and I am new to this forum. Am I able to start at step 1 now and move on as I progress, or do I need to wait until you start again?

Thanks!



__________________
hotrod


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1023
Date:
Permalink  

Hi Welcome Connie  You can start right now  if you are ready.  Use the format already set  up for each Step and I will respond when you participate.

I will not be starting a new go around until mid September

Betty 



__________________
Betty
hotrod


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1023
Date:
Permalink  

great shares everyone



__________________
Betty
«First  <  1 2 | Page of 2  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Step Work -> Step Work -> Alanon Step 1 (1-2016)
Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us

Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book)

Al-Anon

Courage to Change

The 12 Steps 
For Adult Children

Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums
Recovery Book Store
http://www.12stepforums.net/books.html

All Books in our bookstore are recovery related books, please visit the store and make a purchase for yourself or someone you want to shine some love on!

Alcoholics Anonymous Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

 

 

Daily Affirmations for Adult Childern

When you buy a book you are helping support Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums

We have over 100 recovery books in our bookstore which is affiliated with Amazon.com.  The fastest, safest and easiest way to get your new reading material sent directly to you.