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Post Info TOPIC: Alanon Step 8 (12-11-2016)


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Alanon Step 8 (12-11-2016)


Step  Eight: 

made a list of ll persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

 

C2C page 101  ; " with this step we  sort out our part  taking responsibility  for our actions but also releasing ourselves   from the burden of falsely held responsibilities

 My Share

. It is very important to note  that this step  only asks us to make a list and after we made the list to become willing   to make amends . It is evident  that they are two distinct different efforts  and that we can take our time  writing the list .

. I had a difficult time realizing the  people that I had harmed  because I had hidden my motives under  kindness,generosity,and  helpfulness .When I saw that  I was insincere in my relations  and  was attempting to control others  by my actions.    then I realized  that these people  should be put on my amend list . I also needed to make amends to myself  for practicing this defect so as I could rebuild  my self-esteem and self-worth    I also had the habit of leaving many  friendships without any explanation, and of having standards that I imposed on others that I did not  hold myself to .

This was a very helpful step in my recovery as I  became more honest and more willing to see my part in the dysfunctional relationships that I had formed. The only reason I could do this is because I had program  and was beginning to learn from the negative happenings of my life and grow towards a spiritual awakening. That was well worth the effort,

 I became willing to make amends by my keeping attending meetings  and seeing how my defects   truly hurt me as well as others

. I must note that  the main person that I harmed  was myself  and I placed at the top of my list.  I had mistreated myself just as I had mistreated others. I had not validated my assets, I had withdrawn from situations without participating and all in all I had lived in a world of Denial and Pretend.

Since I was first on my list of amends I made the amends to myself first. These amends consisted of: preparing a gratitude list and asset list each day. ,attending at least 5 meetings a week, working the alanon program with a sponsor, sharing at meetings, using the slogans ODAT focused on myself letting go of my defects. In about 6 months I found I had become entirely ready to make amends to others on my list.

I urge you to begin this step it is the road to freedom.

 

Activities Step Eight Questions

1. Have you started your list yet? Have you made a mental list of the people you believe you have harmed?


2. Would you like peace and healing in your relationship, even in those you don't wish to maintain? What are the barriers to healing that are still within you?

3. What are the relationships, past or present, that bother you the most?

If you are ready, set some amends goals. For instance, name the people to whom you would like to make amends. Set a reasonable deadline and a goal for apologizing, wherever that is appropriate. Be as specific or as general as you want. You may want to make your goal "to become aware of the people I owe apologies to, then make those amends." Or you may have a list of names and incidents and want to set a deadline for talking to these people.

3. What is the relationship that is bothering you the most right now? What do you need to do to take care of yourself in that relationship? What would you say if you were free to be entirely honest with that person about your behaviors, your feelings, and what you wanted and needed? How have you discounted yourself or not owned your power in that relationship? How have you discounted or devalued the other person?

4. What is the biggest guilt you have right now? Using the steps as a formula, how can you deal with that, so you can be done with the guilt?

5. For any amends you have made, write a self-forgiveness affirmation that helps you let go of guilt. A sample affirmation might read: "I love and accept myself. I have taken responsibility for my behavior with _____, and I am now free to let the past go." We can also write a similar affirmation about forgiving others: "I have dealt with my feelings toward ____, and I have forgiven him or her. I have let go of my feelings toward him or her, and I allow peace and love to settle into our relationship."

 

 

 

 



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Betty


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Have you started your list yet? Have you made a mental list of the people you believe you have harmed?

My list mostly contains the people closest to me and myself.  

Would you like peace and healing in your relationship, even in those you don't wish to maintain? What are the barriers to healing that are still within you?

I would like peace and healing! Trust and fear would be the barriers to healing some of my relationships.  I am letting go of the fear more each day as I learn to trust the program and remember to trust my HP with everything.

What are the relationships, past or present, that bother you the most?

My estrangement from my sister is the relationship that bothers me the most.  I am not sure what or who caused the rift but it has become a chasm.  I will make an attempt to find out if there are amends that need to be made on my part.  I will also pray and ask my HP to reveal them to me.

What is the biggest guilt you have right now? Using the steps as a formula, how can you deal with that, so you can be done with the guilt?

My biggest guilt is with my kids.  I feel guilty that I didn't do something sooner to learn how to deal with their dad.  I feel guilty for the reacting and over reacting.  Using the steps, I have realized that I cannot change what has happened.  I can only live today differently and try to arm them with the tools of recovery as well.

 



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Kim C


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Great in depth responses Kim. This Step did allow me to let go of much guilt and unrealistic expectations of myself . It is extremely important to the process of recovery.



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Betty


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Thanks Betty!


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Kim C


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1. Have you started your list yet? Have you made a mental list of the people you believe you have harmed?

Yes. I have listed myself, my two children, my late husband, my mother in law and sister in law.

 

2. Would you like peace and healing in your relationship, even in those you don't wish to maintain? What are the barriers to healing that are still within you?

Yes. I want to maintain and improve all the relationships.  I want to have positive memories and release the anger and guilt regarding my late husband.  The barrier is fear of opening up wounds that I might not have even known about, or finding out that my failings caused even more harm than I thought they did.

 

3. What is the relationship that is bothering you the most right now?   

With my children, as I feel we have not had complete communication on their/my feelings about my behavior around their fathers alcoholism and behavior.

4. What is the biggest guilt you have right now?

Regarding my children, I feel guilt about the things I did not do, that I was too passive and did not protect them as I wish I could have, that they had to go through emotionally painful situations. I can take care of myself by acknowledging that I had good intentions and did the best I could with the tools I had at the time.  I may have discounted the children by not thinking they want/need/are strong enough to discuss this topic. If I were honest with them, I would say that I want to know their thoughts and feelings, and that I am strong enough to hear anything they want to share and would love to answer any questions they have.

 

5. For any amends you have made, write a self-forgiveness affirmation that helps you let go of guilt.

I love and accept myself.  I have taken responsibility for my behavior around my children and am now free to let the past go.  (This is so powerful. I am going to put it on my computer screen.)  I have dealt with my feelings toward my mother in law, and have allowed peace and love to settle into our relationship.  I am getting closer to this on my feelings toward my sister in law. I am making amends by beginning, slowly, to behave differently.

 



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Great in depth responses Freetime. This is not an easy step and it helped me to " become willing to make amends" when i prayed each morning for guidance and eventually felt that HP was there and had already removed many of my short comings and would guide my words during this process as well.
Remember that we were powerless over his dreadful disease ans when i spoke to my son about this issue he saw events in an entirely different light. and it is all oK You are not alone.

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Betty
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