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Post Info TOPIC: Alanon Step 9( 12-26-2016)


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Alanon Step 9( 12-26-2016)


Step Nine:
" Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others
 
C2C reading page 196, I can't make past wrongs disappear. But I can take actions that will help me to let them go. When I make amends, I do what I can to correct the situation. Then I can put the past's rightful place. "Let me remember that the reason for making amends free my own mind from uneasiness."
 
My share
 
In the beginning I thought that making amends meant running around saying I'm sorry to everybody and that would've been easy, because I had no problem saying" I'm sorry"in order to attempt to make the situation better. Although I didn't feel sorry nor was it my responsibility in most cases. Program pointed out that making amends is not saying" I'm sorry" . It was owning my part in the situation, learning the lessons from the situation and then changing my behavior. Much different than saying my automatic  "I'm sorry."
It was also important for me to understand that the person I was making amends to did not have to agree with me. Did not have to say anything .  I needed to own my part, If I needed to make amends to people who had passed I  could pray and talk to HP.
This is a powerful step and I urge you to not over look it
 
Activities Step Nine.
 
 
Can I write in amend letter to myself?
 
Can I forgive myself for all the difficulties I  have  caused myself?
 
What can I do this week to begin my amends to myself?
 
Do I have an amend to make that could result in serious consequences? How can I use my sponsor or friend to help me sort this out?. Who on my list will never be available for amends? Can I make amends in another way?
 
 

1. Have you made any amends to other people yet? How did this feel?

2. If you are ready, set some amends goals. For instance, name the people to whom you would like to make amends. Set a reasonable deadline and a goal for apologizing, wherever that is appropriate. Be as specific or as general as you want. You may want to make your goal "to become aware of the people I owe apologies to, then make those amends." Or you may have a list of names and incidents and want to set a deadline for talking to these people.

3. What is the relationship that is bothering you the most right now? What do you need to do to take care of yourself in that relationship? What would you say if you were free to be entirely honest with that person about your behaviors, your feelings, and what you wanted and needed? How have you discounted yourself or not owned your power in that relationship? How have you discounted or devalued the other person?

4. What is the biggest guilt you have right now? Using the steps as a formula, how can you deal with that, so you can be done with the guilt?

5. For any amends you have made, write a self-forgiveness affirmation that helps you let go of guilt. A sample affirmation might read: "I love and accept myself. I have taken responsibility for my behavior with _____, and I am now free to let the past go." We can also write a similar affirmation about forgiving others: "I have dealt with my feelings toward ____, and I have forgiven him or her. I have let go of my feelings toward him or her, and I allow peace and love to settle into our relationship."
 
 


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Betty


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Can I write an amends letter to myself?

I have done this in my head on a daily basis.  Sometimes many times a day.  Putting in on paper might help me to let go more.

Can I forgive myself for all of the difficulties I have caused myself?

Again, I feel like this is a constant, daily action.  As I realized the difficulties I have brought on myself and am still bringing on myself I have to pause and forgive myself.  Then I have to practice the principles in order to get myself back to where I need to be.

What can I do this week to begin my amends to myself?

I have begun taking some on purpose "me" time away from the house.  Away from my day to day responsibilities and my husband and children.  They don't always like it or approve of it, but it makes me a better person to just get away for a little while.

Do I have an amend to make that could result in serious consequences?

I don't believe that I do. My amends list was pretty short as I have discovered over the last few weeks that my HP was teaching me this program and it's principles long before I found it.  He has prompted to to make amends when they needed to be made in most cases.  My biggest amends were to myself and my children who are still at home.  I do my best to live amends before my children.  I act instead of reacting, practice the pause, and have become way less controlling...........most of the time anyway.......progress not perfection!



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Kim C


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Positive uplifting share Kim. Thanks for taking the time to answer the questions so honestly.

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Betty


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Can I write an amend letter to myself?

Yes.  I need to acknowledge that I sometimes knowingly put my needs and wants below others and say that I now realize that my needs and wants are equal to others.  By not respecting myself, I developed resentments and increased stress. I also deprived others of the opportunity to give to me and help me.   I can state an intention to respect myself and to respect the help of others.

 

Can I forgive myself for all the difficulties I  have  caused myself?

Yes.  I have to do this, not because I was wrong, but to give myself peace.  As I have learned that forgiveness is releasing someone from a debt they can never repay, I realize that I cannot go back and change the past, so I have to let the past go.  I can release myself and behave differently in the future.

 

What can I do this week to begin my amends to myself?

My amends to myself currently involve making my home environment one that is nurturing and joyful for me.  I have the blessing of owning my home and having the means to improve it -- just for myself, to meet my needs and wants.  So I am engaged in on-going projects, the next of which is to renovate the kitchen.  I feel truly blessed. In a place where I used to feel fear and anxiety, I will now feel joy.

 

Who on my list will never be available for amends?

My late husband is no longer available for amends, but I believe we made that connection just a few months before he passed away.  Although he was quite frail and in a care home, he invited me out to lunch.  He arranged for our son to drive him to the restaurant and to pick him up afterwards.  He had invited  me for the specific purpose of asking me if his drinking had bothered me.  Thankfully I had Al-Anon, so I was not vengeful in my answer.  I described how the effects on his health had affected me, how it had crept up so gradually that I kept discounting it until it became unbearable, and said that whatever hurts him hurts me.  He said it was the same for him, whatever hurts me hurts him.  I asked if I had answered his question, and he said he had many more questions, but our time was up for that day.  We never got to have another conversation on that, but this one was enough. We made a connection.  It was a miracle brought about by higher powers.

Have you made any amends to other people yet?

My plan for amends to my two children is simply to tell them that they can ask me whatever questions they want, whenever they want, and I will be glad to answer them.  They don't have to be afraid of hurting me by any questions or comments, because all I have been through has given me strength.  I will have some one-on-one time with each of them in the next couple of months, and that is when I plan to make that offer to them.



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Hello Freetime Thank you for posing your thoughts on this important step. Your honesty and dedication are inspiring.



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Betty
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