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Post Info TOPIC: ALANON Step 4 ( 4-17-2017)


Guru

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Date:
ALANON Step 4 ( 4-17-2017)


Step Four

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

C2C page 333; "my life is in a constant state of change. Awareness allows me to keep pace with the change. Only by knowing the person I am can I create the person I want to become .  "Each man must look to himself to teaching the meaning of life. It is not something discovered it is something molded."

My share

As I have stated previously, Step Four was indeed terrifying to me.  I was afraid to look within because I thought I would find that what my family said about me was true. I thought that I was selfish, uncaring, judgmental and filled with anger and resentment .  Deep down I knew that this was true. and, I thought that  was "who I was"  and  I had no way of changing these attitudes.

I had often attempted to replace my negative attitudes with positive self talk, and had failed. I thought that this negative attitude were my "True Self" and that I could not change.

Thank goodness for sponsors!. My sponsor explained that these were learned attitudes  that I have developed in order to protect myself and not be vulnerable .

As a Child , I determined that  all Al my positive attributes could hurt me and that the best thing I could do was to cover them up with the negative destructive behavior and attitudes.  The steps gave me permission to look inward, identify my negative attitudes , see how they were hurting me and then become willing to change and let them go. If I let go of my negative attitudes, then the that the compassion, love, empathy, generosity and joy which were buried deep within could be felt and  expressed in my life.  That sounded intriguing and was certainly an incentive to begin to work this step.

  My sponsor also pointed out that Al-Anon is a self acceptance program and not a self improvement one.  Once we look at ourselves and see how some of our attitudes are hurting us , we can become ready to let them go. So that new and constructive feelings and attitudes and move in.

I am so grateful for this important step.  I do believe it was the first time I accepted my humanity.

 Step 4 questions

Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past?

2. Have you already done a Fourth Step?

Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues?

3. You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."

4. Do you feel blocked in any area of your life?

Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area?

 

4.  In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? 

You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done.  Then tell God.

Good Luck



__________________
Betty


Member

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Posts: 19
Date:

Thank you for the 4th Step, Betty!

In my constant fear or not being good enough, I was nervous about what I would discover in step 4. But, I found that knowing who I was and how I was acting was important so I could make positive changes as I needed to.

1. Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past?

Yes, I feel as though I am not doing enough or being my best self the majority of the time. "You can do better, try harder" is something that plays through my head most of the time, especially when something is not going according to plan. I am pretty sure that I do not fit in, and that, for the majority of people I come in contact with, that I am not likable. I expect them to be semi-pleasant to my face, and ruthless behind my back.

2. Have you already done a Fourth Step?

I have done a 4th step once before.

3. Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues?

I feel as though I avoid my feelings much of the time. I actually need to set aside time to think about how I am feeling. But, knowing that, I believe I am more in touch with how I am feeling.

4. You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."

I think that the next three weeks is a realistic time-frame for me. That will give me the opportunity to reflect on things as I walk through different spaces in my life.

5. Do you feel blocked in any area of your life?

I do feel blocked at home. Still afraid to upset the apple cart, it seems. I feel as though I can never relax or let my guard down, least something come out wrong and cause a major disagreement.

6. Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area?

Yes. I need to be confident in my ability to say "Why are you doing this right now? What do you hope to get out of this? I need .... and so whatever you are trying to achieve right now is not going to happen."


7. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly?

Myself, yes. I still put my needs and desires on the back burner or neglect them so that I can cater to whatever whim AW has at the moment. I am not standing up for myself and my needs out of fear of a negative reaction or anger, and I am not caring for myself. I think this is also enabling my AW to not progress in her recovery. She doesn't need me to contradict her opinions and beliefs, but I should not buy into the excuses, either. And, since I feel as though I am always on guard, sometimes I slip, and say something that is more harsh-sounding than it might otherwise have been.

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Guru

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Posts: 796
Date:

((Skorpi)) thank you for your honesty and clarity regarding this important Step. It is evident that your dedication to recovery and faith in your program are providing you with the courage that is necessary to look within and grow.
I am glad that we are shering this journey.


__________________
Betty


Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

In working a 4th step, I hope to find an increasing freedom in my being in the world. I used negativity from childhood days because it it got me attention, even if that attention was negative. I also have spent so much time and energy constructing boundaries in my life, so people, places and things would not interfere with what I thought should be happening, or with who I thought I should be.

1. Have you identified any old beliefs and feelings from the past?

Yes. Too many. My negativity and criticisms have prevented me from enjoying any aspect of life fully, particularly work, and anything that involves commitment from me. Fear has been a primary way of functioning, which has prevented free-flowing love, and joy. I have been afraid for a lot of my life, out of a sense of insecurity and shifting sands from childhood, a feeling that neither I nor anything I did was good enough. I can relate to 53 character defects, and am trying to balance these with realising my assets also.

2. Have you already done a fourth step?

No.

3. Do you feel up to date with issues and feelings?

I am working on these, though I feel things have already improved through working the first 3 steps. The issues and feelings I am working on are fear, a tendency to obsession, withdrawal and depression.

4. A reasonable goal for me would be to do this step in the next 2 months.

5. Do you feel blocked in any area of your life?

At the moment things are flowing more easily than before I started working the steps. If anything, there is a block for me when it comes to relationships, and my obsession around particular people.

6. It would be useful to do a fourth step on this area. There are things here I need to work through and try and let go of.

7. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly?

For now, I mis-treat myself by giving too much head-space to particular individuals that my thoughts tend to obsess around. This does me no good, and prevents me from focusing on my own life, and my own well-being. Perhaps I also mis-treat others, then, by not being honest with them face-to-face.

Thank you Betty for this opportunity.

 



__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 796
Date:

Hello Midnight Jane Thank you for sharing with such honesty on this important step. I have found that my recovery became solidified with the Steps and appreciate your sharing the journey.

__________________
Betty
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