Fear of negative reactions from others guides most of my wrongs. I tend to try to smooth things out and make/keep everyone happy because I don't feel strong enough to "weather the storm of negative reactions" from others. I don't have good boundaries between myself and others, and so leaving someone's emotional response with them is a challenge. I also lack the self confidence in my own beliefs and decisions to hold on to them in the face of adversity.


1. Have you taken a formal Fifth Step? What was the impact of that on your life and your feelings about yourself?

I have. it was positive, because I could begin to let go of the guilt and doubt I had been carrying with me. Identifying the impact of my character defects allowed me to begin to let those things go.

2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact?

I share myself generously with people I trust, but I am brutally unforgiving when my trust is broken. I have relatively few friends, but those I have I am very close to. I have trusted colleagues, and I reach out to them frequently, on a daily basis, at times, when there are work-related things that I need to talk about. Things I need to discuss with someone that are of a more personal nature I tend to discuss with my wife or sister, or during an alanon meeting. I need to think on what I am going through for a while before I am ready to share with someone, but I do discuss most things with someone before I reach a complete decision or resolution. I find that the discussion helps me to think through things in a more healthy way.

3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say?

not that I can think of. My wife and I had a good talk on Sunday, and I was able to share with her my frustrations and fear around her depressed behaviors. Before that talk, I would say that I was avoiding talking to her about her depressed state and its impact on my life.

4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done. Then tell God.

I should have taken some time over the weekend to call my dad and chat a bit just for the sake of chatting.

5. Each morning for the next week, when you wake up, take a moment to notice what you're feeling. Often, we're at our most vulnerable in those quiet moments before we begin the activity of the day. Check in with yourself emotionally. Take a moment to tell God what you're feeling. Tell yourself. Within the next four hours, sooner if possible, tell someone else what you are feeling. You don't have to make a "feelings group" out of it; just disclose honestly what you are feeling. Do this same activity once more during the day - either at the end of the workday, after supper, or during a quiet time in the evening.

I will do that. This morning, I was feeling stressed about time because I needed to get some tasks in the kitchen done before leaving for work.

6. The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.

This quote spoke to me:

 

I have accepted the fact that there are residual attitudes that I have that hurt me and I must be free of, so as I can live  a life  with joy and serenity.

 

I'm struggling with people at work whose behavior I cannot control. I have a residual attitude of entitlement and poor self-esteem which assumes, even demands, the approval of others. I am reminded that I do not need to seek the approval of others as my HP loves and accepts me unconditionally. I don't need to take on anyone else's baggage as it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I can indeed live a life of joy and serenity if I stop picking up other people's baggage. Thank you for this.

Thank you both for your shares, and Betty for your service!

In my fourth step and program work, I too uncovered fear as my most powerful negativity driver. I never saw that before recovery, so it is with relief that I recognize the symptoms and am able to understand where they are coming from.

It is so empowering, and brings about a spiritual peace and calm when I am willing to admit the true nature of my wrong to someone else; not some worn out cliché that I have come to believe, but the real, deep down source of my wrong.

Getting there is also helping me change the underlying thoughts and behavior, so I don't have to keep repeating the actions and the necessary apologies; that gets old for everyone. Real change is possible with the program, so grateful

*******************

1. Have you taken a formal Fifth Step? What was the impact of that on your life and your feelings about yourself?

I have. It was very cleansing...I have always tried to practice honesty with everyone in my life, but I learned in AlAnon that my perspective was "off" in several keys areas. The fifth step allowed me the opportunity to share my newly realized "truth" with someone as it now was closer to the reality of my actions, motives, and overreaching.

2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact?

I am with one or two with whom I am most close, I am open about everything I am going through. Outside of that, I am not. I don't recall ever reaching out or calling anyone because I felt I needed to talk. I realize I have kept a very small circle most of my life.

3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say?

There is not. I am very grateful that I have always had a low tolerance for that kind of discomfort. I have always been one to broach a topic first or as soon as I am aware of it...not always the best policy, AlAnon is helping me work on patience and discretion (and minding my own business and staying out of others' business), but rarely I have suffered the discomfort of avoiding someone.

4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done. Then tell God.

I have. I immediately made amends with that person, and that day shared it with my higher power. Later, I shared it with a trusted program friend. I don't like to let negative things dwell within myself, or its effects on others, without acknowledging them and trying to make them right.

5. Each morning for the next week, when you wake up, take a moment to notice what you're feeling. Often, we're at our most vulnerable in those quiet moments before we begin the activity of the day. Check in with yourself emotionally. Take a moment to tell God what you're feeling. Tell yourself. Within the next four hours, sooner if possible, tell someone else what you are feeling. You don't have to make a "feelings group" out of it; just disclose honestly what you are feeling. Do this same activity once more during the day - either at the end of the workday, after supper, or during a quiet time in the evening.

Morning is my favorite time of the day for this activity. This is my meditation and reading time, an opportunity to align my thoughts with my higher power and embrace the opportunities of day. I rarely have involved another person, however, something to think about...

6. The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.

Hmm...I have lived a quite solitary existence for a few years now, after once being quite social. I have allowed a reluctance to connect with people, even when I could reach out. This is an area in which I will try to push myself...

1. Have you taken a formal Fifth Step? What was the impact of that on your life and your feelings about yourself?

I have not taken a formal Fifth Step before. When I think of admitting to another human being, I realise how distant I really am from most others. I have created a pattern in my life that I don't expose myself and am most comfortable alone, even in a social gathering.

2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact?

I'm not in the habit of sharing who I am - who I truly am - with others. If I look at my life, so many of the people closest to me - in my family and most of my long-term friends - are active users of substances, whether alcohol or marijuana. I have my mother, and one old friend who has worked the NA 12 step programme for fourteen years. I can share who I am with them, but they don't live near me. They are the people I can talk to when I am going through something. Generally though, with almost all other people, I am the listener, and I don't share very much.

3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say?

Not really.

4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done. Then tell God.

In the past week I have reacted badly to the judgements and criticism of someone who was drinking at the time. I allowed myself to enter the arena by responding and then found myself having to justify my life and my attempts to take responsibility for it. I found myself then trying to appease her while she was drunk, emotional, and finding fault with me and my life choices. I feel I treated us both badly because I reacted when I should have known better, and should have deflected or ignored her attack. I did call and tell my mother the next morning how I felt - she understands as she has lived for 50 years with my alcoholic father. I am left with the residual shame of the memory and of the confusion of the moment, a pattern deeply rooted in my childhood. I have not yet told God, but I think it will be a relief to do so.

5. Each morning for the next week, when you wake up, take a moment to notice what you're feeling. Often, we're at our most vulnerable in those quiet moments before we begin the activity of the day. Check in with yourself emotionally. Take a moment to tell God what you're feeling. Tell yourself. Within the next four hours, sooner if possible, tell someone else what you are feeling. You don't have to make a "feelings group" out of it; just disclose honestly what you are feeling. Do this same activity once more during the day - either at the end of the workday, after supper, or during a quiet time in the evening.

I need to find people who I can convince myself care even vaguely how I feel. That sounds harsh but it is the truth - I have a hard time believing anyone (besides my mother) is interested in how I feel.

6. The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.

I will try - if I can think of someone to call.

Step five is indeed a powerful step and a great reminder that Al-Anon is a self acceptance program and not a self improvement program.

I think i have misunderstood this piece a long time .. i just realised not too long ago in fact, i was trying to change Me .. as in shame .. something wrong with Me .. instead of accepting the fact I have just been 'effected by a disease .. and changing the way i handle that ..  courage being fear that's said it's prayers was my first alanon reading after years of praying for an answer. reminder to pray again.

. Have you taken a formal Fifth Step? What was the impact of that on your life and your feelings about yourself?

I have yes. The impact was transformation. Recognizing how 'off in my negative surface judgments I was. very unclear with no understanding. Getting ready to take another. I can post on this again.

2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact?

I am still learning who I am. I Share with some (recovery people) I called someone this morning. (I tend to turn to unavailable people and this was a program person) I do have another i can talk to about anything .. (seems to be when it's convenient for her though so not sure it's in my best interest to continue to keep calling (pushing) this person--i have excused (minimised) it by saying well i am always here for her; she'll come around .. she's just a b c .. I make excuses for her to justify her behavior as well) .. years i waited until the situation resolved itself fell apart or went away before reporting ..

3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say?

I avoid disclosing some things with a program pal because i can talk to her about anyone but her. Then again, I avoid her because i am not 'sure the problem is in me or in her or if there is one. Either way the real problem is my acceptance or lack of. i have expectations that sometimes cause me resentments but i see she is a part of those expectations. I have a hard time even telling her i don't have time to wait a half hour extra Every time we meet because she gets a phonecall .. Seems i wait for a long time sometimes with her. I avoid her (stuff my feelings) and let her call 'all the shots. (because i am afraid i will lose her; she has a lot of wisdom) .. I still have her on a ladder above me; her time etc .. is more valuable than mine.

4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done. Then tell God.

I have a hard time being nice to my ex when he is criticising blaming . i use his behavior sometimes to this day to excuse or justify my own.

5. Each morning for the next week, when you wake up, take a moment to notice what you're feeling. Often, we're at our most vulnerable in those quiet moments before we begin the activity of the day. Check in with yourself emotionally. Take a moment to tell God what you're feeling. Tell yourself. Within the next four hours, sooner if possible, tell someone else what you are feeling. You don't have to make a "feelings group" out of it; just disclose honestly what you are feeling. Do this same activity once more during the day - either at the end of the workday, after supper, or during a quiet time in the evening.

I have spoken many times with my sponsor who was the first to show me a long time she cared about what i think and feel; lately she is wrapped up in her own cares. sidetracked by an alcoholic once again. outside recovery i haven't found 'one i can truly trust with too much.

6. The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.

I have someone i have thought of calling for coffee; not sure why, but this person is on my mind. i haven't called yet because I dont' think they will meet. Maybe i will see. Maybe a higher power nudge. not sure.