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Post Info TOPIC: Alanon Step 10 (7-9-2017)


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Alanon Step 10 (7-9-2017)


Step 10

Continued to take personal inventory and when we are  wrong promptly admit it.

C2C reading page 288:  no longer must we accumulate burdens of guilt and resentment that will become heavier and more potent over time. Each day, each new moment can be an opportunity to clear the air and start again fresh and free.

My share

The 10th Step is one that I worked very early on in program because I could see the benefit of attempting to address my faults in the present moment. The other steps terrified me and . I was sure that I could  not immediately  work properly. I did make an effort each day to look at my actions and  feelings, observe how I may have injured others and attempted to make amends the following day. .I also changed the word to" when I was wrong" to"when I felt wrong"   . The reason for that is that I always believed I was wrong.

No matter what, I believe this is an extremely powerful step that keeps me honest and free of accumulated guilt, anger and resentment.

Today I set aside a short time before I go to sleep at night to review the day. I look at the positive and negatives see where I was helpful and supportive of others, and then look to see it my negative side surfaced and if I need to make amends to anyone. I love this practice and know that it has kept me sane and on the right track for many years.

Step 10 questions

  

.  How do you continue your process of self-awareness and inventorying?

Do you spend time each morning or evening reviewing your day?

Or do you allow your insights to happen naturally, as you go through life and recovery?

 


2.  When was the last time you caught yourself doing something you didn't feel good about?
Did you take care of the issue promptly?

3.  Either daily or weekly, force yourself to find one thing in your life and one idea about yourself that is good. Affirm that good until it sinks in and feels real.  Strive to find one thing that you like about someone who is important to you, then take the risk of telling that person.

4.  Watch for ways that fear, anger, and resentment arise in your life.  Watch for beliefs underlying these feelings. Watch for ways that your anger toward yourself influences your anger and behavior toward others and yourself.

? What is the fear or idea that is bothering you most today about yourself and your life? Are you facing a stressful or a fear-producing circumstance? Are you feeling inadequate about something? 

 



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Betty


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Thank you for bringing the 10th step topic, Betty.

I too worked step 10 pretty early in my program. I felt so weighted down with old guilt and burdens, all the wrongs I had done, I didn't want to add any, and I thought it would be much easier to admit when I made a mistake right away. It was sort of like low-stakes practice for step 9. I was able to practice and build confidence in my ability to make amends by admitting my wrongs right away. I do this constantly now, as well. I don't want to let things build up, and so if I feel that I am not acting in a way that matches my beliefs and values, I take the opportunity to reset, apologize, and change my approach.

1. How do you continue your process of self-awareness and inventorying?

Daily reading and journaling are very important to me. When I journal, I am able to work out anything that is "left over" from the day before, and I am able to move on, or try to make a plan for what I want to do about it. I have found that I second guess myself and my actions if I don't sleep on it first, so a morning reflection of the prior day is perfect for me. Although, I realize as I write this that I am steadfast about journaling before work each weekday, and I tend to not journal on the weekend, which is by far the most stressful part of my week. I think I will change that next weekend.

Do you spend time each morning or evening reviewing your day?

I do, each morning, I set an intention for the day and review the prior day.

Or do you allow your insights to happen naturally, as you go through life and recovery?

I think I do a combination of daily reflection and spontaneous insights. I don't like to be planned and rigid in my recovery, I try to go with the flow, and so I have some structure in my morning reflections, and I also allow insights to come to me throughout the day.



2. When was the last time you caught yourself doing something you didn't feel good about?
Did you take care of the issue promptly?

Yesterday, actually. I wanted to plant some seedlings in larger pots and get things ready for the week. My wife was in one of her deeper depressions, and I did not deal well with that. I let her depression pull me down as well, and I did not get my poor seedlings planted, nor did I get laundry done for the week. I ended up sitting with her in our dark livingroom and watching tv for a few hours, and trying to justify my desire to go to a high school reunion. I recognized the issue immediately, but I am not sure what to do to take care of it. I stopped justifying, set boundaries for "discussion" about the reunion, and got myself up and moving again after a few hours, but I am not sure how to deal with the situation in the future. I think the best way to deal with the issue right now is to keep myself busy, and keep my focus on myself. Maybe some additional distance right now would be healthy for me as well.

3. Either daily or weekly, force yourself to find one thing in your life and one idea about yourself that is good. Affirm that good until it sinks in and feels real. Strive to find one thing that you like about someone who is important to you, then take the risk of telling that person.

This is a great idea. I will try it.

4. Watch for ways that fear, anger, and resentment arise in your life. Watch for beliefs underlying these feelings. Watch for ways that your anger toward yourself influences your anger and behavior toward others and yourself.

Hmmmm, this is an interesting one today! The major belief I have is that marriage is an equal partnership and both people in the marriage do the best they can to work together to make life more manageable and enjoyable. This is not a description of my marriage, and a lot of anger and resentment arises from this. I'm going to keep an eye out for this in the next few weeks, and think more about it.

5. What is the fear or idea that is bothering you most today about yourself and your life? Are you facing a stressful or a fear-producing circumstance? Are you feeling inadequate about something?

I feel like I do not have enough time to take care of everything that needs to happen. I don't think I have unrealistic expectations of myself, I know I am not going to be able to get to everything, and I am trying to find my peace with that. I think the thing that is bothering me most about my life is that I feel like my wife is so wrapped up in her self-pity, that she is not present, and that leaves a lot of pressure on me, not only to take care of household things and pets and myself, but to say and do the right thing in regards to her depression, self-doubt, and pity. I am having a hard time right now identifying what constitutes support and understanding, and what is enabling. I fear that I am enabling her to stay in the shroud of self-pity, and leaving the support and understanding behind.





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Good Morning Skorpi, Thanks for sharing your thoughts and powerful experience with this Step. I appreciate your clarity and honesty and so understand the confusion that surfaces as we attempt to embrace program tools and support a loved one who appears to be is stuck. Program has taught me to 'keep on keeping on", to pray for guidance and trust that HP (the still small voice within will guide my steps )



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Betty
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