Alanon Step 2 (October 1 2017)

hotrod · Guru

Alanon Step 2 (October 1 2017)

a4l · Newbie

I would like to spend time thinking about what prevents me from practicing turning it over. Sometimes i do hand it over and the results are always good. But once things start going well, I stop feeling able to do it. I have learned to hand it over when the dirt hits the fan, but am not so good at turning it over at every little step of the journey. Then i end up being back at square one.

Sometimes in order to see people the way God sees them, I need to not be physically around them. I can have relationships that are loving when i'm not dependent on them for major emotional needs like love and acceptance. I guess that's about not getting bread from the hardware store. Acceptance is a big one for me. That which i fear most usually leads me to preemptively bring it about so i feel a sense of control over it. I know when I do this that i am not truly accepting powerlessness nor turning it over. It is also why i need the AA part of the programme because when I drink alcohol, all of my 12 step wisdom flies out the window and im running on emotional instinct which is almost never reliable.

when i do let go and let god, i always receive exactly what it is that I need. Not always what I want, though sometimes that too, but i am never let down by my higher power when i trust in it. I do sometimes get confused about what constitutes a higher power, because I was bought up in organised religion, but intellectually I reject much of religion. But when it comes down to it, the spiritual comfort i have known has never cared too much where my thoughts were on the matter in any event.

So i guess the barrier to turning it over also comes from a place of self worth. I do not really have a naturally high amount of self-worth. Soemtimes i think up reasons as to why even my HP may not wish to be bothered with me.

wow its quite something to write out all the muddle. thanks bettty.

hotrod · Guru

Hi A41 It really is informative to take the time to respond to the questions in writing. I know that in the beginning of this Alanon journey I would often revert to my old behavior. once the crisis had passed. One of the readings in the C2C suggests that our defects build nests in our hair and that once we release these defects, they fly over head ready to fly back in to the nest we have built. This reading gave me a picture of my defects and how I do embrace them. i was then able to look for more healthy responses to life and to date i m pleased to say "It works " Acceptance is the key
Thanks for sharing your thoughts

mamakat71 · Member

What can I do to try to see others as God sees them?

How can I express God's will and my actions towards others, including the alcoholic?

How do I feel about turning my life over to a higher power for guidance?

If I'm unfamiliar able to make this decision. What holds me back?i

When I let go and let God take care of my life and my willing to follow that guidance I received?

What can I do with my loved ones makes decisions. I don't like?

This seems like a hard step and I feel that it is fear that is holding me back. I know I should trust God's will because his plan is always better than mine, but I am afraid and I don't like the idea of facing the situation even though I know God only wants the best for me. This is confusing, even as I write this. The only way I can work on truly seeing others as God sees them is a little at a time and for me through prayer. "Give me eyes to see others as you see them" Not always easy
Turning my life over to a higher power for guidance at this point seems like the only way, because my way has not been working. So I guess I am in a good place if I can see that finally.
I think fear has held me back for so long and I let fear guide me. It has caused me to be reactive and emotional. Unable to rationalize and make good sound decisions for so long.
Letting go and let God, sounds wonderful and I think I will need to learn a lot more and hope that I can start to do just that. I do not want the burden anymore.
This is the hardest, but I am hopeful with time I can learn that I am only responsible for me. This is so hard when their decisions or actions affect my life.

I am hoping that working these steps and putting them into practice will get easier and I will start to see some positive outcomes. Practice makes perfect!

hotrod · Guru

Hello Kathy Just keep showing up , sharing and using the slogans such as" Let go and let God" when confused and eventually you will discover that you have embraced the principles of this step. Remember you can always go back and rework the steps. i have done so often.

RobinHellman · Newbie

I shouldn't have this much trouble trusting in my Higher Power. He has proved faithful time and again. Yet I've struggled, like prying clinched fingers off of those I profess to love instead of letting go and trusting my God to love them even more. It's a recurrent lesson for me. I believe, yet I so frequently tend to act as if I don't! I know God is able, and I appreciate this place to again take a good look at how my own behavior, my own actions haven't corresponded with what I've proffessed. My life has again become unmanageable and I do believe that my Higher Power can restore me to sanity. I can trust him with my life--and with the lives of those I love.

hotrod · Guru

Hello Robin, I appreciate your honesty and apparent determination-- the steps are not easy however I found that they certainly were the key to my recovery.
I am glad that you are here and are sharing the journey, so please do keep coming back.

nursedebbi · Newbie

going to go a bit slower thru this step

what can I do to try to see others as god sees them?

my concept of "god" is better than it used to be for sure. raised in a very conservative religious upbringing and during my teen years a minister's daughter.....omg!....thinking back on that! perfection was expected. and god the jeckle and hyde being to be feared. listened to many fire and brimstone sermons. it ran deep. even our thoughts were monitored by god and could be considered sinful. everything normal teens do was "sinful"....going to a school dance. dating. going to a theatre movie. the list goes on. thinking about it now with this step. god's love seemed to be contingent upon being sinless. putting others first. sacrifice. I could never live up to this.

I gave church a try again. it wasn't a good experience atho at the time I truly tried to fit in and make it work. I realized so much of church was dependent upon how much money you put in the plate. having a long family history in the church family. ect. at one time someone said to my face.......you will never fit in here and will always be an outsider. newbies weren't really welcome. this was wisc lutheran.......the clincher came when son started his very rapid downhill spiral with alcholol and drugs and going to there church high school. I had to walk away from it all. I isolated. shortly after sons death I got a letter from em. I was excommunicated due to non attendance and the last line of the letter excommunicated mike ...son...too. that was hurtful esp considering not one person from that church family reached out or attended the funeral.

I got involved briefly with a nice lady...psychic person out of town .....she was quite spiritual......that was the beginning of a shift from organized religion to spirituality. I learned if I ask god a question and needed some kinda answer. as painful as the truth might be the answer would unexpectly and clearly come in real life proof ways. I got selective with that as I learned I didn't need to put myself thru more pain than was necessary.

I have to continue to adjust my lenses how I see things and ppl. I was introduced to a different way to view god by someone in alanon here. a total eclipse. its a learning curve. I needed this question. I need to work thru it to understand god of love and what went on with my son. all his suffering stuff I went thru with him. I know I was totally powerless to change his life around. but I had hope it might come as he got older. his death has again shifted my outlook on god and how I see ppl.

I no longer believe in hell, fire and brimstone which is a positive. what did god see when he viewed my son? viewed my suffereing with him and thru his death? I see a lot of suffering and death ppl go thru in my work. how does god see all this suffereing of ppl? I see how nasty ppl can be to each other thru the interactions of ppl I work with and have experiences some that that personally.

maybe? I need to consider shifting my focus from how I personally see ppl and my judgementalism lately......mediate a bit with a focus on how does god see all this...........................................................................................................to be continued

hotrod · Guru

Hello Nurse Debbie, I appreciate your honesty and clarity and can certainly identify with challenging God and his choices for my life. I arrived at the doors of Al-Anon extremely upset with organized religion after the loss of my son to this dreadful disease, I had nowhere else to go and had really hit bottom, I decided to keep coming back and attempting to utilize this program to my advantage.-- Obtaining a sponsor was a great asset.

We proceeded through the steps, without any discussion regarding God or religion, and when we reach the Third Step,it was suggested that Al-Anon is a 'spiritual program' and not a religious one and that I could find my own concept of a loving Higher Power and proceed. I did just that.-- My higher power is perfect love, wisdom, compassion, understanding, strength and gentleness. I accepted the fact that the perfect Higher Power, would at times act in ways that I could not understand and that trusting this all-powerful wise being was something that I had to accept. i saw that when I practiced my religious beliefs, that I had prayed for MY will and when My will was not honored, I despaired. I did learn that I needed to pray for HP's will and the power to carry it out as the 11th Step suggests. What a difference!!! Today I simply pray for: acceptance . courage, serenity and wisdom.

Here is a prayer that works for me :

Today look upward toward God, not downward toward yourself. Look away from unpleasant surroundings, from lack of beauty, from the imperfections in yourself and those around you. In your unrest, behold God's calmness: in your impatience, God's patience; in your limitations, God's perfection. Looking upward toward God, your spirit will begin to grow. Then others will see something in you that they also want. As you grow in the spiritual life, you will be enabled to do many things that seemed too hard for you before.

Looking forward to sharing the journey.

Faith40 · Newbie

I tend to trust my Hp with big issues and when my serenity is all lost and I am on my knees. I have noticed I tend to pick up my program when I need it and put it down when I don't. I'm finding I'm constantly back to reworking the steps because of this. I would like it to become a daily part of my life rather than a go to in times of desperation . I definitely have a better understanding of my Hp recently as I've had to lean into the program heavily recently and I feel ... Calmer .. as a result of having faith in whatever it is. Something bigger than me . It's helping me step 2 to live in the day and stop reliving the past or panicking about the future as I've accepted it's out of my hands now . Without the worry to control and fix I'm finding I have more time and energy .

hotrod · Guru

Thank you Faith for sharing your Step rprocess with such clarity and honesty Moving on through the Steps will help to let go of the past completely and allow you to stay in the moment and in the day.

ACA mom · Newbie

Newbie- I relate so much.

things are going well lately and did not work my program for a day and all I can "hear" my minds crticism of others, while they are being kind and pleasant, but I am just annoyed. Why?, not sure, but likely because I have too much responsibility at this point and I just want to chill more.

So, before a conflict starts, which will if I stay this path... I thought I need to work my program, and just found this forum today. and so grateful, with running the household and being their for the kids, hard to get to more than one meeting a week.

I am working step 2 now and I think I am just "coming to" believe that I need sanity. I consider my self a pretty emotionaly balanced person, however I also believe there is something wrong with others when they are not treating me "fair", and I believe I am not good enough ( to keep up with others energy or intellect or just being fun).

Through therapy and Alanon, I am learning that I may have a part in what seems to be mis treatment. Do I always speak the truth, or do I try to hide things, then feel guilty and then take it out on others, because I am not being fair to my self.

one of the hard things to do is take care of myself. I feel guilty giving myself time for things like this, or cleaning my office, since I could be helping others. However as I learned in step 1, if I do not do this self care, then I start to resent others and then I am not as kind as I "think" I am or as I want to be. So self care, however small- having a cup of coffee on the deck by myself...is critical to me being the person I want to be.

today for step 2, I will start to say let go, let God even before things feel insane. even though that may be step 3.

this writing is so good for me, so thanks for this forum.

ACA mom · Newbie

What can I do to try to see others as God sees them?

In reply to this... I have never seen this before. Wow, how does God see "him"? I am sure with much more gratitude than I For him. him referring to the person who gets under my skin. I will add this to my efforts today. So in addition to let go, let God, i will ask God to share with me, how he sees others, and show me their greatness.

hotrod · Guru

Welcome ACA Mom Thanks for your clarity and honesty. Please do keep coming back and sharing the journey.

nursedebbi · Newbie

still working on this one.....lol

how can I try to see others as HP sees them?

had my vision tested and needed a new prescription and glasses.
when I first put them on it was amazing how things looked clearer and crisper.
for a few days I even had little bouts of dizziness adjusting.

this got me thinking about how I see others.

my attitude and ideas of how people should be and sometimes treat me are the "glasses" I see things thru.
taking a step back and putting some new lenses in the "glasses".....its not all about me.
I don't live in the skin of other ppl. everyone seems to have something they suffer with in one way or another.
some of which are invisible to others.

thinking back to my son. how one minute I could be upset about a choice or behavior or his usage. the next minute I could
see and feel inside me the pain underneath it all. no one chooses to live as he did. it was a miserable existence.

this is what Hp sees. Hp I would imagine isn't in a position to take things personally. he can see a bigger picture to it all.
what others cant see. accepting we are all human and imperfect would be a good start to seeing others as Hp sees them.

hotrod · Guru

Powerful awareness Nurse Debbie Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree completely .

FreedomFromMe · Member

betty .. i have not read all these replies but want to share yours gave me comfort and consolement (hope) thank you .. as i become more aware of the inner child (acoa) .. i realise my childish expectations though changing are still here .. i have so many 'childhood fears still in me .. came to as awakening from unconscious .. thank you for the clarity and with focus on me .. realising i am in way too many days at once .. painful but necessary to see ..

What can I do to try to see others as God sees them?

I have been realising i see the world through my past families eyes 'still . through my own confused eyes as well .. i need to begin by praying to help me see myself and others through gods eyes .. beginning to see god in others in recovery is a start .. needing much more wisdom of me too ..

How can I express God's will and my actions towards others, including the alcoholic?

by praying to know what gods will is beginning in me .. i pray too much still for mine to be done .. i am beginning to recognize i dont' hate others .. i hate blame criticism ego and pride .. I need to pray for the wisdom to be human .. (heard once its the highest form there is) ..

How do I feel about turning my life over to a higher power for guidance?

I struggle with this .. i struggle with letting go and still making the decision to let him take what i hold onto .. i cling to emptiness .. I struggle with the confusion (fear) god will be like others i've loved who let me down or abandoned me early on .. still relearning this .. so far i haven't experienced him as i have others .. gods always been gentle .. but my thinking of him has not .. still praying for 'understanding .. and the courage to believe i can trust my experiencing ..

If I'm unfamiliar able to make this decision. What holds me back?

plain and simple "confusion .. still clearing

When I let go and let God take care of my life and my willing to follow that guidance I received?

I never feel more 'in control then when i let go and let god .. insanity i wouldn't let go of it all at one time .. i still doubt many things .. still coming to believe (at heart level)

What can I do with my loved ones makes decisions. I don't like?

I find sometimes saying something with the focus on me does help me (to at least express my feelings etc .. become visible) .. i have to search me often ..

hotrod · Guru

Thank you for continuing the journey, Freedom. i am glad that you are receiving comfort from reading the shares on this Board . Please keep coming back

Tude · Veteran Member

Step two questions from Paths to Recovery;

What can I do to try to see others as God sees them? This is the crux of what brought me back in here. When I pray and ask God to let me see the person I am upset with as a little child.......He does. It truly is a miracle..........I then though, lose my boundaries and am back to square one.......feeling sorry for the A can cripple the A.....I am way past the feeling sorry for them and grateful for this, the anger over them not doing what it takes is what hits so hard, I pray, regain peace then back again to stress.... seeing them too long as a little child certainly softens and/or breaks the heart for them. But to move on.......and stay there.....the roller coaster ride begins...

How can I express God's will and my actions towards others, including the alcoholic? By caring for my relationship with God first and working the program. Only then can I let go and feel free to demonstrate His will through me to them.......

How do I feel about turning my life over to a higher power for guidance? I trust God, He led me here. I need to let go and trust Him with my emotions without picking it back up again.

If I'm unfamiliar able to make this decision. What holds me back?

When I let go and let God take care of my life and my willing to follow that guidance I received? I have peace and serenity. In this, I am caring for self and the A's in my life. His love shows through me.

What can I do with my loved ones makes decisions. I don't like? Not sure I understand the question.........if it's what I think it means, allow consequences of their bad decisions to happen naturally. No rescuing.

On to Step 3

Tude · Veteran Member

It'll be great to look back over my first steps later in recovery............and see GROWTH! Along with the promises :)

hotrod · Guru

Hi once again Tude Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this powerful step in recovery You are on your way

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.