Alanon Step 4( 10-23-2017)

hotrod · Guru

Alanon Step 4( 10-23-2017)

Grace R · Member

Hi members, Hi Betty thanks for the step and share. It seems that we are moving to a different step sometimes weekly now? I would really like something to follow since I can't get to many meetings in person at the moment so I like the idea of working on a step every fortnight along with other online members. If the format has changed to weekly steps please let me know, as I had a look at the postings and I can see there have been 2 steps this fortnight.

My share:

step 4. This is really appropriate for me today. I'm feeling unsettled. My face to face meeting is on and for various reasons I am unable to be there at the moment. I could feel one of my old familiar defects popping up today in the form of feeling like "I don't know what to do with myself". I am out of my regular routine which can throw me a lot, being an adult child from an addict/dysfunctional home...routine and structure is very comforting. Not only is my regular meeting on, but I have also had big life changes recently and I am happy to say that a very big and amazing dream has come true for me. This dream crystalising and manifesting has meant some big changes to my regular routines. This is where the devastating effects of being raised with neglect and indifference has so obviously affected me. Even though today my life is unbelievable awesome

the change itself has set off a "wired" reaction in my brain and my whole being seemingly. My brain is still responding to change in a "fight or flight" anxiety response....because that's how it was shaped all through my developing years. Isn't it fabulous that we are NOT 'hard wired' and our brains can change....we can heal, grow and recover. We can learn to look at defects in a whole new way, grow through them and then thrive in life. Wow. I love Alanon SO much.

I realised immediately as soon as these yukky feelings emerged today, feeling anxious about "what to do tonight" that it is a defect that I can easily work on *today*. I can make a plan "just for today". So I did. I decided that Just for today I will go home and have a nice dinner. Then I will login to the chat room to see if anyone is there for a mini meeting or chat, which is exactly what I had identified that I needed. If no one was in the chat room I would log in to try again and finding out how to do the step work. This is a mini meeting in a different way and it is helping so much. I knew I needed a meeting of some kind. When I lived in a big city I was blessed to be able to look up a big timetable and choose between many meetings that were taking place across the city all within an hour drive. Now I have to be more resourceful and finding this has helped a lot, especially now that I am starting to get the hang of using it.

Identifying thi defect of character "becoming anxious when I don't have a plan or am out of routine" is something that I can accept as being a result of being raised by addicts, and I am so grateful that today I can forge my own path in recovery with the help of my higher power and 're-parent' myself by simply making a healthy and self-caring plan for the evening. I feel better already and will look forward to reading other peoples shares about step 4 as the fortnight goes on. in love and serenity.
keep coming back
grace

hotrod · Guru

Hi Grace glad that you found us and shared I posted more than one step this month because I am trying to finish this step go around before the end of this year. Then I can begin the new year with Step 1

FreedomFromMe · Member

Step four questions: Long Reply .. hope it's ok ..

Am I willing to look honestly at myself?
What stands in my way?
Am I open to another's point of view ?\
Do I practice patience with friends and newcomers?
Am I honest?
Do I tell the truth?
Am I a respectful , generous person?
In what ways do I look for the good in others?
How do I open myself up to others?
Do I resent, places and things?

hi betty .. thanks for being here .. thought i'd just jump in .. I'm on my 4th step now .. Second time around .. Much deeper this time .. (honest) But .. what a difference today makes ... I answered these all last night .. then realised i was Not being honest in my answers .. i was answering for others .. so this morning more pain But more honesty and truth with the Focus on Me this time..

Am i willing to look honestly at myself ?

I think i have been using Awareness as an Excuse to Not have to Make changes .. to Excuse and Justify my Inaction .. To Excuse and justify my can't vs my cans .. I have been willing to look at me definitely in Layers .. this morning i see i have a lot of layers yet to Peel .. and will always have them .. i think peeling too many at one time is too potent as in real life (makes me hurt . too much light at once .. and then i need to back off but i see if i want to change i need to look) ..

What Stands in my way ?

Definitely Me .. My Fear Confusion Worry Doubt Mistrust ... faith in wrong places .. other than HP .. It's Hard to face Me and My Entire life's worth of unmanageability. I procrastinated for a long time and now have a self made Mountain to climb (it feels like) .. but clinging to no mountain god can't move .. he does however need my partnership .. if i am hopeless, my despair stands in my way (and my hps) ..

Am I Open to another's point of view ?

If my mind and heart are full of self rights; judgements anger blame confusion, fear etc .. then my mind and heart are closed .. times i still get 'stuck in that ""my way is the right way (smug) type of Distorted thinking 'process .. i can even do this with higher power when i insist on my way .. disaster when i get it ..

Do i practice patience with friends and newcomers .. ?

Seems the Only time i am patient lately is with program members .. my old & new fears and anxietys make it much Harder for me to be patient with me .. I think because i begin to believe i am fearful angry anxious for 'no reason .. (as if it's more about an inherently flawed thing)

Patience is in short supply sometimes in my store these days (willingness to be patient this is) .. I Am the hardware store .. i need to turn to HP for bread .. not me and the old places i have turned to for too long .

Am I Honest ?

I told myself forever yes i am .. today i am rethinking this piece .. I am honest in layers too .. I am not honest when i am criticising myself to 'death .. telling myself there is no good to come or in me .. I am not honest when i think of the times i use recovery (misuse grace) to avoid taking new actions .. I am not honest when i tell myself i am doing Gods will and forcing mine .. I am not honest when i tell myself there is Nothing i can do .. (to help myself with god) .. or when i tell myself ''sometimes'' i have ''no power when god has changed my mind in heart on so many layers .. i have doubts and mistrust at times .. that much i am learning to become more honest about .. I hide still 'Behind fear .. confusion .. etc .. pride .. ego .. and i am Not honest when i am telling myself the ex addict in my life is Not who he really is right now at this point in time .. (he is Not his behavior but he is Not the higher power my mind tries (wants) to tell myself he is) .. (he is not the loving authority in my life; his addiction at this point makes him in reality quite the opposite) .. still waking up slow here and still hurting facing what's real ..

Do i Tell the Truth ?

I tell the truth in meetings to the best of my ability and with my sponsor .. Sometimes i don't know if i tell the whole truth because denial stands for Don't Even No I Am Lying .. to myself .. so even my honesty is a process .. sometimes my pride and ego make me definitely unwilling .. i need HP to turn that over too .. sometimes i omit honesty rather than admit .. i admit that honestly ..

Am i a respectful generous person ?

I am self consumed .. metaphorically speaking alcohol (unreasonable thought) consumption .. codependency .. waiting at times for someone 'else to come along and fix me .. do for me what i can need and should do for myself .. there are times i do respect others .. especially in meetings .. i'm generous in sharing wisdom that i've learned .. i'm not generous to me yet .. i'm not respecting me the way i need yet either .. unfortunately i can only respect others (outside recovery) with the same amount of respect i have for myself .. definitely a Messy work in progress ..

In what ways do i look for the good in others ?

Years i never looked for the good .. i looked for fault .. (learned) .. when i came into recovery i was so focused (obsessed) on the alcoholic and all the 'bad in this person .. because i needed to find the bad to 'fix it .. (save mode) .. i am still looking for fault in me i think so i can Fix it .. i think i still watch for the bad in others to be sure i can protect myself from it (illusion i can protect myself from feeling '' hurt (the disease) .. when i look for the good it's when i listen in 5th steps .. (learning to look for good .. has never been easy "comfortable for me .. we always looked for blame) ..

how do i open myself up to others ?

honestly i don't think i do the opening .. i show up and listen (in meetings) .. when i'm in meetings the truth opens my mind and heart .. little by little .. i continue to keep going back .. years i opened the doors to all the wrong places people things etc .. relearning for sure ..

what is my part?

Taking any new action is hard for me .. Too much fear not enough faith .. My part is knowing also everyone i love has left (projecting people onto god) .. so maybe fear he's like me and other alcoholic or effected thinkers .. still learning to trust .. and still have moments of forcing my will ..

Do i resent places and things ?

i resent the home i grew up in .. (empty) .. i also resent certain people and places .. Me mainly for hanging onto and choosing to carry (still not knowing fully my choices) .. still times i still resent highschool friends .. it's been 'years .. i resent money because i don't have enough .. and it's a need .. i resent my struggle .. i resent my confusion .. (i can't change it alone or fast enough for me .. etc .. ) i resent much that still isn't in its clear perspective and therefore still dominates 'my thinking .. i complain while holding on .. as if someone 'else is making me a b c .. maybe i hold on so i can complain still (defect) .. i was surrounded by complainers .. it became a way of life and a form of conversation (communication) .. tough for me right now ... i also resent the govt the news the negativity and more .. the time limits of fear to change rather than courage to change .. sorry no political speel here .. merely my focused on me fears .. sometimes i follow that stuff rather than hp and i end up lost in fear .. (overwhelmed for good reasons) .. (at least normal reasons) .. (my feelings match the actions i see) .. but grateful i am lost Here .. (so lost ? not sure

FreedomFromMe · Member

i feel like a 5 year old again whose just told everything she can on herself because she's scared "straight .. half lol this is an Earfull betty .. again hope ok ..

hotrod · Guru

Hi Freedom so happy that you feel safe enough to share your thoughts on this difficutl Step Your insights, honesty and clarity are inspiring. Thanks for being here.

rosielightshines · Member

Am I willing to look honestly at myself?

***Yes...how freeing that is when I wallowed in lies during childhood...I crave honesty and that means my own honesty about ME and what I need to work on

What stands in my way?

********Can't think of anything

Am I open to another's point of view ?

******yes, if they are kind and they keep the focus on their take, their ESH....suggestions are welcome but only when a trust has grown between us.....

\

Do I practice patience with friends and newcomers?

*********** I try to, I think I do pretty good...I am less patient with me

Am I honest?

*********Sometimes brutally

Do I tell the truth?

*********yea, for the most part, I am guilty of exagerating at times when I am being "hammered" by life

Am I a respectful , generous person?

********** I give respect and if the other is not respecful to me, I walk away....generous but I check my motives and only if I have it to give...when my cup is empty, sometimes I can only care for me, but when I have plenty and my needs are met, I love to share and be generous

In what ways do I look for the good in others?

******* I observe them and try to not observe from the judges seat, but from the witness box.....I don't force it, I mean my sire had zero good in him and I don't try to manufacture any...its either there or it is not and some sub-humans just have no light in them at all...I see it for what it is...a 180 degree from the lies I told myself as a child...

How do I open myself up to others?

******** slowly and carefully...over time and when I know they are safe, except when I am in these boards, then I open up because I am in "safe" territory

Do I resent, places and things?

*******I resent the hell out of what happened to me as a child and the re-wounding i suffered at the hands of so called family members who should have at least supported me if not able to protect me....yea, i resent the G-d diety for allowing me to die like that....I still resent the fact that due to long term mental/emotional wounds, I made bad choices (re: career and marriages) and therefore will have to work till I die.....

What is my part. ?

************being too screwed up to do any better and also i had zero self faith and esteem in me...My part was continuing the self sabotage until I realized that that was what I was doing and then I began to try to reverse my self abuse

How do I judge myself? Am I fearful? How do I judge others?

**********I am very hard on me when I do stupid things out of not paying attention/being mindful or "rushing" and not slowing down and focusing and thinking...an honest error is one thing but stupid things out of NOT paying attention, not being mindful aggravates me to no end...hence the practicing of it now.....my goal is practicing breathing, being mindful, meditations to connect with my inner higher power

Do I feel sorry for myself? Am I filled with self-pity?

************ I think the self pity is being replaced by honest to goodness compassion for a life destroyed and now what can i do to make it livable to the end??? I have been to hell and back and yea, there are times the grief is so bad, I want to cry, the pressure behind my eyes to cry is huge sometimes and I either cry or just curl up and feel the grief and loss that was my life

Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine?

******NO!!! not any more!!!! I will gladly help another help themselves if they really need that boost, but #1, check my motives #2, if I expect any return, REcheck my motives and if it is not my responsibility I am not shy about telling the other "NO"...

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? Why?

******NOT anymore.....Now I know that my best friend across the street can cook for himself but because he is so kind to me, I sometimes make him a treat just to say "I love you" to him in a nice "munchie" way........

hotrod · Guru

Good Morning Roseie Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this important step Your honesty and clarity are impressive .

Takotsubo · Newbie

Step four questions:

Am I willing to look honestly at myself? No

What stands in my way? The worry that I wont like what I know about myself

Am I open to another's point of view ? I try to but I have constant thoughts while the other person is telling me so I am always thinking they are wrong and I am right and I have a better story to tell
\
Do I practice patience with friends and newcomers? sometimes but often No I am always trying to prove myself that I am more knowledgable interesting and have a better story

Am I honest? I think I am a lot more honest now than I used to be being a nurse has helped this process I find it easier to be honest as if I am not this can have dire consequences I am not always honest though as I dont like to make people feel bad or uncomfortable so sometimes I say what they want to hear rather than the complete truth Is that bad??? Its part of my nature and how I was brought up to not be unkind and therefore not honest at times this has been detrimental in my life with some serious consequences that I cannot now change

Do I tell the truth? As a child I was always telling lies and I stole money off my parents which I was punished for but I did continue to be dishonest in smaller ways with people for a lot of my young adult life now I think I am pretty honest with people if I dont want to say the truth I try not to say anything if I believe that saying the truth would not be helpful anyway and would only cause hurt if its important especially at work I do tell the truth I think..

Am I a respectful , generous person? I think I am respectful most of the time, am I generous? sometimes but I can be very judgemental about who I am generous for and with I can be disrepectful, judgemental and ungenerous especially with people I find difficult to be around

In what ways do I look for the good in others? I hope that I believe in the good in most people this has sometimes set me up for some big mistakes in my life some that have caused so much grief and sadness for myself and other family. I am knowingly naïve I am trusting and like to believe most people are good arrgh but I am sometimes so very dumb about this and wish I had a more cynical perspective this might have saved me from some major mistakes in my life which I deeply regret

How do I open myself up to others? I am an open person sometimes too chatty too wanting to get my own opinion, experience in sometimes over the top of someone else trying to open up to me I have a bit of a big mouth sometimes my family says if they want other people to find something out then tell me ha. I dont really have much of a filter about my own experiences although at times I can hold back important feelings as am embarrassed about the sadness and shit I have had in my life realising that some of this was because of my own design faults too trusting too wanting to please others regardless of the consequences of this including my own self and family

Do I resent, places and things? Yes I resent people who have a secure peaceful family sometimes dont always resent but envy maybe as I feel I should have had this too but for my stupid decisions and lack of judge of character and lack of self care and not looking after myself rather trying to please others this is mainly the men in my life I have always felt I had to please them make them like me, make them love and adore me why???? So so dumb and I have made such big mistakes because of pleasing them and not looking after my own son and myself deeply regret some of the decisions I have made in my life to please my partners which ended up hurting not only them but myself, my family and their families

What is my part. ? My part is my inability to say no my constant obession to want to please others which is destructive for both myself and others. My constant guilt that follows me around especially if I decide to not please or say yes to someone if I am honest with someone then I can be consumed with guilt for long periods of time which can be debilitating. My desire to please others which often negatively impacts not only myself but my family my son why do I do this so so dumb. Why do I care so much about what others think about me. I think I always want to appear interesting and exciting but actually Im not actually I dont want to be, I just want to be happy with some adventure in my life but not destructive adventure just happy adventure I dont know how to find this for myself or in others in partners I try and find partners who will make me look more interesting why???? So dumb I dont need someone else to make myself interesting I can do this for myself and for my son

How do I judge myself? Am I fearful? How do I judge others? I constantly judge myself, I am not thin enough, fit enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, kind enough, generous enough, strong enough. I am fearful that other people will see all these enoughs and realise this is all true. I see other people as better than me, smarter than me, happier than me, kinder than me, more sorted than me, I am fearful of bringing out the real me in case people dont like it

Do I feel sorry for myself? Am I filled with self-pity? Yes I do feel sorry for myself I hate that the decisions I have made in my life have made my life not how I had expected it to go I hate that I chose partners that have had a huge impact on my life and my sons. I wish I could go back to the start and have another go as long as I could still have my son who I love more than anything in this world I could not go through life without him so for this I will not change the first part of my life but after his birth I would change everything and feel sorry for myself that this of course is not possible and I dont know how to overcome the guilt and pity I have for myself and my family to get over this and feel at peace. Writing this helps I know I cant change the past but hopefully I can learn from it make better decisions for myself and my son for our future but also understand that my son is an adult now and I hope he has learnt from my dumb mistakes and he gets to have a better happier adult life from the beginning not in the middle like me ha

Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? Sometimes although I think I avoid responsilbity as I dont like to be in charge of things it frightens me to have to take responsibility as if things dont go right then I blame myself and play the guilt game for time eternity I do too much for my son I need to leave more of this at his feet

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? Why? No I dont think I do this a lot mainly for the above reasons I dont want to be blamed for stuffing up also I feel tired and weary about even looking after my own stuff I dont feel I have the energy to also look after other peoples stuff this is my ungenerous side

hotrod · Guru

Hello Takotsubo Thank you for joining in and sharing with such honesty and clarity . I can readily identify. I was always afraid of looking within because I did not have the tools to change my reactions or feelings . Al Anon meetings and members assured me that my negative go to reactions were destructive tools that I developed as a defense and that under these resided my positive qualities just waiting to be expressed.

I trusted this process and worked the Steps as you are doing. The 4th and 5th were a challenge however in Step 6 I began to understand and see how my negative reactions were hurting me and so I became willing to let them go. I was amazed when this happened as my charity, wisdom , courage, compassion and empathy came right to the surface and i felt so good expressing them .

Keep on keeping on You are doing fine

Tude · Veteran Member

Step four questions:

Am I willing to look honestly at myself?
Yes, I have begged my HP whom I choose to call God to show me what is going on, what I need to look at, what am I missing, why am I feeling so off the wall and falling apart, why did my life go from manageable to depressed, fearful and frozen for a very long time................God led me back to Alanon. Things are put in a perspective with honesty and simplicity I can understand and relates to all I am experiencing......I don't like what I see but I also know if I keep coming to meetings, working these steps there is such a freedom from ME on the other end!

What stands in my way?
Nothing but self now.

Am I open to another's point of view ?
YES! It's not fun, in fact its totally crazy making living in self-deception

Do I practice patience with friends and newcomers?
Yes. There used to be a time this wasn't a question. I gave all my time, perhaps too much time and never lost patience. The last few years I have become impatient in the sense of having to make myself focus, slow down and then would really get angry with myself when I felt this way. Guilt always followed. So did becoming agitated with anyone lately....That was never, ever me...before.....its already become so much better, much more to go. Even the simple things that brought joy, like calls from friends and family.......I was getting impatient. I let all my energy, focus and time become consumed in avoiding the A's in my life. I am now taking time to welcome the times of friends, newcomers (I am still one) and family again. It feels good!

Am I honest?
Too much so..........years ago I held in everything, transitioned to brutally honest, to later angry honest and now am learning to be more honest with me. What is my part, what do I see now that I didn't see before. There's a balance coming in time. Soon I hope!
Do I tell the truth?
Yes, same as above.

Am I a respectful , generous person?
Yes, but respect is a funny word. This sort of goes with patience in the sense of, it's much easier to demonstrate respect, in the home for instance when you're not run down from the squirrel cage of emotions. Even the simple daily chores became too much. I was always behind. I let it steal my patience and my joy. I've bee fearful, angry and depressed. It's hard to show respect at home when in that shape, it's easier to feel it and show it in meetings, fellowship. Working on the home part and over just this past couple weeks......it is getting easier
Yes, I've always been generous. Maybe too much so......

In what ways do I look for the good in others?
Ouch. My family and friends always said I always looked at the good in others and never saw anything else........I've lost some of that. I've become fearful, distrusting and overly cautious.....I want to get back to seeing the good through Gods eyes and with His wisdom in how to balance this.

How do I open myself up to others? I suppose like I am doing now. Meetings, transparency and honesty are a must. I really have nothing to hide that I wouldn't share as long as it caused no harm to someone else.

Do I resent, places and things? Yes, I resent my hometown I was born in and all the chaos alcohol played in traumatic events there. Mostly funerals and the family drama. I resent growing up in a warzone of A and all that goes with it. I resent time stolen from me by A's, I resent my health stolen from me by A's and having to shut down my business and stop working from health issues. I resent one of the A's living too close to me in an RV that was supposed to be temporary,.....how it is interfering with my own life and my marriages personal space. I resent the trap we got into over trying to help. I resent it when my AH drinks even though it's rarely an out of control drinking type.....there have been those times to cause fear and reasons for distrust......

What is my part. ? ..I allowed myself to be drawn into explosive disagreements in the hometown situations. As for the health issues, I know much of those grew worse by the stress of not knowing how to deal with fears, etc around the AH. I wasn't plugged into any 12 step groups when i moved out of state.The one living too close was a trap of my own making. we offered a place that was safe away from the drunk crowd and I stipulated as long as she was in recovery meetings. I got tired of being a babysitter "mothering" and she stopped going. I then, ha, tried to mother a dry drunk.......The resentment is now she has a DUI and can't leave when we were going to ask her to leave. Not too sure what my part is going to be in this at this time........with the exception of working on self.

How do I judge myself? Am I fearful? How do I judge others? I judge myself very hard. Fear has been out of control to the point of paralyzing at times.....others are better and "appear" to have it all together.....

Do I feel sorry for myself? Am I filled with self-pity? Nope, fear and trying to dig myself out of this mess. I am seeing where I have avoided grieving in all this. I sure don't see self pity......yet? I avoid it so much so I was in the habit of telling others my mom lost their sons or my dad lost his sons.......instead of me saying "I love both my little brothers to this disease."

Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? No, but I certainly used to.

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? Why? Not in a long time. I will gladly help others IF they are doing what they can for themselves. Helping too much cripples them and causes anger in self.

As I look over the steps I see so much that is glaring!

Tude

hotrod · Guru

Hello Tude Your honesty and willingness to recover are serving you well Great 4th Step