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Post Info TOPIC: Alanon Step 4( 10-23-2017)


Guru

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Alanon Step 4( 10-23-2017)


Step four; "Made a searching and  fearless moral inventory of ourselves."


C2C reading page 55; "we all wish good things to happen to us but we cannot just pray and sit down and expecting good things to happen for us. . We must  back up  our prayers with action."


My share
I have worked many fourth steps in my alanon journey  and each year it becomes  easier and easier. The first fourth step was not fearless, but  was searching and I did uncover many destructive habits that I had developed unintentionally during the course of my early childhood. These negative tools appeared to work in my youth however they were a huge hindrance in the adult world
 
. I do believe in the beginning I was taken back by the word moral inventory-and kept me, for a time from looking within . Fortunately, I had a sponsor who explained that all I needed to do was to review my life, examining my motives and   by so doing I could uncover  many painful feelings and attitudes  that I had developed  that no longer helped me . I began my examining my motives each time I felt uncomfortable. That simple action revealed many of my destructive attitudes and opinions.
 
I do believe that I knew that I had many defects, but was always hesitant to explore them and own them because I did not know how to replace them.  Al-Anon offered the solution. All I had to do is to look within and see what I was doing, own it and move on to the next steps so that HP could set me free. That worked well. So at the end of each year. I do a fourth step review in order to stay current and honest. I must say that I never gave myself permission to be human and this program and the steps allowed me to do just that. I urge you to continue on this journey



Step four questions:

Am I willing to look honestly at myself?
 
What stands in my way?
 
Am I  open to another's point of view ?
\
Do I practice patience with friends  and newcomers?
 
Am I honest?
 
Do I tell the truth?
 
Am I a respectful , generous person?
 
In what ways do I look for the good in others?
 
How do I open myself up to others?
 
Do I resent, places and things?
 
What is my part. ?
 
How do I judge myself? Am I fearful? How do I judge others?
 
Do I feel sorry for myself? Am I filled with self-pity?
 
Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine?
 
Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? Why?



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Betty


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Hi members, Hi Betty thanks for the step and share. It seems that we are moving to a different step sometimes weekly now? I would really like something to follow since I can't get to many meetings in person at the moment so I like the idea of working on a step every fortnight along with other online members. If the format has changed to weekly steps please let me know, as I had a look at the postings and I can see there have been 2 steps this fortnight.

My share:

step 4. This is really appropriate for me today. I'm feeling unsettled. My face to face meeting is on and for various reasons I am unable to be there at the moment. I could feel one of my old familiar defects popping up today in the form of feeling like "I don't know what to do with myself". I am out of my regular routine which can throw me a lot, being an adult child from an addict/dysfunctional home...routine and structure is very comforting. Not only is my regular meeting on, but I have also had big life changes recently and I am happy to say that a very big and amazing dream has come true for me. This dream crystalising and manifesting has meant some big changes to my regular routines. This is where the devastating effects of being raised with neglect and indifference has so obviously affected me. Even though today my life is unbelievable awesome the change itself has set off a "wired" reaction in my brain and my whole being seemingly. My brain is still responding to change in a "fight or flight" anxiety response....because that's how it was shaped all through my developing years. Isn't it fabulous that we are NOT 'hard wired' and our brains can change....we can heal, grow and recover. We can learn to look at defects in a whole new way, grow through them and then thrive in life. Wow. I love Alanon SO much.

I realised immediately as soon as these yukky feelings emerged today, feeling anxious about "what to do tonight" that it is a defect that I can easily work on *today*. I can make a plan "just for today". So I did. I decided that Just for today I will go home and have a nice dinner. Then I will login to the chat room to see if anyone is there for a mini meeting or chat, which is exactly what I had identified that I needed. If no one was in the chat room I would log in to try again and finding out how to do the step work. This is a mini meeting in a different way and it is helping so much. I knew I needed a meeting of some kind. When I lived in a big city I was blessed to be able to look up a big timetable and choose between many meetings that were taking place across the city all within an hour drive. Now I have to be more resourceful and finding this has helped a lot, especially now that I am starting to get the hang of using it.

Identifying thi defect of character "becoming anxious when I don't have a plan or am out of routine" is something that I can accept as being a result of being raised by addicts, and I am so grateful that today I can forge my own path in recovery with the help of my higher power and 're-parent' myself by simply making a healthy and self-caring plan for the evening. I feel better already and will look forward to reading other peoples shares about step 4 as the fortnight goes on. in love and serenity.
keep coming back
grace

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Hi Grace glad that you found us and shared I posted more than one step this month because I am trying to finish this step go around before the end of this year. Then I can begin the new year with Step 1



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Betty


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Step four questions: Long Reply .. hope it's ok ..


Am I willing to look honestly at myself?
What stands in my way?
Am I open to another's point of view ?\
Do I practice patience with friends and newcomers?
Am I honest?
Do I tell the truth?
Am I a respectful , generous person?
In what ways do I look for the good in others?
How do I open myself up to others?
Do I resent, places and things?


hi betty .. thanks for being here .. thought i'd just jump in .. I'm on my 4th step now .. Second time around .. Much deeper this time .. (honest) But .. what a difference today makes ... I answered these all last night .. then realised i was Not being honest in my answers .. i was answering for others .. so this morning more pain But more honesty and truth with the Focus on Me this time..

Am i willing to look honestly at myself ?

I think i have been using Awareness as an Excuse to Not have to Make changes .. to Excuse and Justify my Inaction .. To Excuse and justify my can't vs my cans .. I have been willing to look at me definitely in Layers .. this morning i see i have a lot of layers yet to Peel .. and will always have them .. i think peeling too many at one time is too potent as in real life (makes me hurt . too much light at once .. and then i need to back off but i see if i want to change i need to look) ..

What Stands in my way ?

Definitely Me .. My Fear Confusion Worry Doubt Mistrust ... faith in wrong places .. other than HP .. It's Hard to face Me and My Entire life's worth of unmanageability. I procrastinated for a long time and now have a self made Mountain to climb (it feels like) .. but clinging to no mountain god can't move .. he does however need my partnership .. if i am hopeless, my despair stands in my way (and my hps) ..

Am I Open to another's point of view ?

If my mind and heart are full of self rights; judgements anger blame confusion, fear etc .. then my mind and heart are closed .. times i still get 'stuck in that ""my way is the right way (smug) type of Distorted thinking 'process .. i can even do this with higher power when i insist on my way .. disaster when i get it ..

Do i practice patience with friends and newcomers .. ?

Seems the Only time i am patient lately is with program members .. my old & new fears and anxietys make it much Harder for me to be patient with me .. I think because i begin to believe i am fearful angry anxious for 'no reason .. (as if it's more about an inherently flawed thing)

Patience is in short supply sometimes in my store these days (willingness to be patient this is) .. I Am the hardware store .. i need to turn to HP for bread .. not me and the old places i have turned to for too long .

Am I Honest ?

I told myself forever yes i am .. today i am rethinking this piece .. I am honest in layers too .. I am not honest when i am criticising myself to 'death .. telling myself there is no good to come or in me .. I am not honest when i think of the times i use recovery (misuse grace) to avoid taking new actions .. I am not honest when i tell myself i am doing Gods will and forcing mine .. I am not honest when i tell myself there is Nothing i can do .. (to help myself with god) .. or when i tell myself ''sometimes'' i have ''no power when god has changed my mind in heart on so many layers .. i have doubts and mistrust at times .. that much i am learning to become more honest about .. I hide still 'Behind fear .. confusion .. etc .. pride .. ego .. and i am Not honest when i am telling myself the ex addict in my life is Not who he really is right now at this point in time .. (he is Not his behavior but he is Not the higher power my mind tries (wants) to tell myself he is) .. (he is not the loving authority in my life; his addiction at this point makes him in reality quite the opposite) .. still waking up slow here and still hurting facing what's real ..

Do i Tell the Truth ?

I tell the truth in meetings to the best of my ability and with my sponsor .. Sometimes i don't know if i tell the whole truth because denial stands for Don't Even No I Am Lying .. to myself .. so even my honesty is a process .. sometimes my pride and ego make me definitely unwilling .. i need HP to turn that over too .. sometimes i omit honesty rather than admit .. i admit that honestly ..

Am i a respectful generous person ?

I am self consumed .. metaphorically speaking alcohol (unreasonable thought) consumption .. codependency .. waiting at times for someone 'else to come along and fix me .. do for me what i can need and should do for myself .. there are times i do respect others .. especially in meetings .. i'm generous in sharing wisdom that i've learned .. i'm not generous to me yet .. i'm not respecting me the way i need yet either .. unfortunately i can only respect others (outside recovery) with the same amount of respect i have for myself .. definitely a Messy work in progress ..

In what ways do i look for the good in others ?

Years i never looked for the good .. i looked for fault .. (learned) .. when i came into recovery i was so focused (obsessed) on the alcoholic and all the 'bad in this person .. because i needed to find the bad to 'fix it .. (save mode) .. i am still looking for fault in me i think so i can Fix it .. i think i still watch for the bad in others to be sure i can protect myself from it (illusion i can protect myself from feeling '' hurt (the disease) .. when i look for the good it's when i listen in 5th steps .. (learning to look for good .. has never been easy "comfortable for me .. we always looked for blame) ..

how do i open myself up to others ?

honestly i don't think i do the opening .. i show up and listen (in meetings) .. when i'm in meetings the truth opens my mind and heart .. little by little .. i continue to keep going back .. years i opened the doors to all the wrong places people things etc .. relearning for sure ..

what is my part?

Taking any new action is hard for me .. Too much fear not enough faith .. My part is knowing also everyone i love has left (projecting people onto god) .. so maybe fear he's like me and other alcoholic or effected thinkers .. still learning to trust .. and still have moments of forcing my will ..

Do i resent places and things ?

i resent the home i grew up in .. (empty) .. i also resent certain people and places .. Me mainly for hanging onto and choosing to carry (still not knowing fully my choices) .. still times i still resent highschool friends .. it's been 'years .. i resent money because i don't have enough .. and it's a need .. i resent my struggle ..  i resent my confusion .. (i can't change it alone or fast enough for me .. etc .. ) i resent much that still isn't in its clear perspective and therefore still dominates 'my thinking .. i complain while holding on .. as if someone 'else is making me a b c .. maybe i hold on so i can complain still (defect) .. i was surrounded by complainers .. it became a way of life and a form of conversation (communication) .. tough for me right now ... i also resent the govt the news the negativity and more .. the time limits of fear to change rather than courage to change .. sorry no political speel here .. merely my focused on me fears .. sometimes i follow that stuff rather than hp and i end up lost in fear .. (overwhelmed for good reasons) .. (at least normal reasons) .. (my feelings match the actions i see) .. but grateful i am lost Here .. (so lost ? not sure



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i feel like a 5 year old again whose just told everything she can on herself because she's scared "straight .. half lol this is an Earfull betty .. again hope ok ..

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Guru

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Hi Freedom so happy that you feel safe enough to share your thoughts on this difficutl Step Your insights, honesty and clarity are inspiring. Thanks for being here.

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Betty
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