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Post Info TOPIC: Alanon Step 9( 11-14- 2017)


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Alanon Step 9( 11-14- 2017)


Step Nine ; "made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

C2C page 196 "let me remember that the reason for making amends is to free my own mind of uneasiness.


My share

When I first worked this step, I placed myself at the top of the amends list and proceeded to make amends to myself by attending Al-Anon meetings, and  using the tools so  that I could, learn how to say  what I mean, mean what I say without saying it mean.. Once I had  accomplished  making  amends to myself, I found it  easier to make amends to others. I could then  honestly see how my behavior and actions had caused disharmony, and  confusion and had injured many relationships. In fact I walked away from many relationships, without even a word. This step. really did help me to clear up the wreckage from past . Guilt  was lifted and today I make sure that I perform a 10th step every evening, so that i will not have  a  back log of amends or guilt to carry around 

Step nine questions:

Which people on my list do I need to make a direct amends to first?

How can I plan what I'm going to say in my direct amends clear and concise and avoid blaming another?

What is the difference between an apology in making amends? Which amends the best on my changes in my behavior?

What amends am I putting off? Why?  
Can I write in amend letter to myself?

When I finish this step, what can I do to celebrate?
Have I remembered to appreciate and reward my good deeds? The good deeds of others?

T

 



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Betty


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The steps 8 & 9 were looming. I began jotting down people during my 4th step. I wrote out the amends individually as I began to work on them. At first I thought only one of them would be detailed and difficult. After writing them out, in one I saw where I needed to do nothing until I prayed and felt true compassion for the A. It works:)



Step nine questions:

Which people on my list do I need to make a direct amends to first? I chose those I am in contact with the most via suggestions from one of the books.....a couple others fell into my lap.

How can I plan what I'm going to say in my direct amends clear and concise and avoid blaming another? I used/am using JADE, the steps, inventory of my own intentions and sticking with my part in the issue/offense. I write everything down and wait. Go over it again, sometimes many times until I feel peace about it.

What is the difference between an apology in making amends? Which amends the best on my changes in my behavior? Just saying I am sorry was not enough. I apologize and say I'm sorry all the time. I am working on that. I felt I needed to correct a relationship in the sense of any damage my words and/or actions caused. My direct part in hurting someone else. No finger pointing even if they did have a part in it. Someone shared, "its about leaving both parties feeling better." That really clicked for me. I can see my defects now by working the steps and being in this program. It opens the door for real amends to be made.

What amends am I putting off? Why? I am not putting any of them off. Just sitting on some of them, especially one where they did go great harm but my response/reactions were harmful as well. I'm learning that when I wait on some of them, more clarity comes, more healing and then I can make the amends from the right heart/attitude.

Can I write in amend letter to myself? I never thought of that and I missed this step on the board. I think I can actually do this today.


When I finish this step, what can I do to celebrate? Get out of the house and do something I enjoy! Thrift stores! It's been a long time since venturing out of my cave to do something fun:)

Have I remembered to appreciate and reward my good deeds? The good deeds of others? I remember to appreciate others more than my own. But......I'm getting there. I have worked very hard on this program. I know by working hard on me it also is a way to appreciate me and others but the results of changed attitudes...

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Hello tude Great process and impressive honesty You are on your way

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Betty


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Which people on my list do I need to make a direct amends to first?
I do first need to make direct ammends to those people with whom I have lived who were on the recieving end of my reactivity. Also direct ammends to myself, for not making the best choices out of a resistance to taking responsibility.

How can I plan what I'm going to say in my direct amends clear and concise and avoid blaming another?
Focusing on putting first things first, and taking one day at a time will help me in my planning, to prevent any ammends getting clouded by irrelevant thoughts or second-guessing. Also 'mean what I say without saying it mean.' I like that phrase. I can shed my defensiveness and my blame.

What is the difference between an apology in making amends? Which amends the best on my changes in my behavior?
Apologies are easy for me. They are words and I communicate well through words. I know what to say and how to say it. Making amends is much harder, it is a behaviour change, and a change in my attitude, it is checking my responses and reactions, and operating differently. Making amends is not avoiding people or situations, but facing both with honesty and clarity.

What amends am I putting off? Why?
Making amends to the primary A in my life. This is the person I have treated with the most disdain and disrespect. Making amends here is difficult for me because I feel I was the one who was powerless, and it was 'done to me,' which justifies my behaviour towards this person. This is a block that I will have to work on. I am not ready for this one yet.

Can I write in amend letter to myself?
Yes.

When I finish this step, what can I do to celebrate?
I can do something that shows self-care, which I have not been very good at, or even allow myself an unstructured day, where I don't have any plans except to do what I enjoy.

Have I remembered to appreciate and reward my good deeds? The good deeds of others?
I will be mindful of this in the coming week.

Thank you Betty.



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Hello Midnight Jane What an inspiring share, thank you.  I too had little difficulty saying"iI amsorry" and meaning it. Thanks to program ,I did discover that an amend is different.   I appreciated your explanation.
Thanks for sharing the journey



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Betty
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