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Post Info TOPIC: ALANON STEP ONE( 1-2-2018)


Newbie

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RE: ALANON STEP ONE( 1-2-2018)


Thanks Betty :)

 



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Mimi


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My share
I am new to Al-Anon by about two months. I've tried to dive in headfirst, but it's overwhelming. I've bought so many Al-Anon books and have been studying and reading and taking notes. I've tried to soak up everything there is to learn all at once. I need it all, but I realize I have to slow down and take it all in. Even my approach to Al-Anon seems to be unmanageable!

I really, really want a sponsor so I can work the steps and know when I've completed a step.  I guess I don't know who is ready to sponsor in my face to face group.


Step one questions

Do I accept that I cannot control another person, their behavior or the drinking?
Yes. This was a hard one for me because I've always been a survivor. Growing up in an alcoholic family, I had to take the reins so our family could function. I've now outgrown this need to be in control and acknowledge how it's not healthy for me or for my relationships with others.

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits and needs and ways of reacting in a different from mine?
This has been very difficult for me because the alcoholic in my life is my young adult son (newly in recovery) and I have struggled with what is good mom advice and what is going too far. I'm learning that it's best for me to sit back and listen. To allow my son to make his own decisions. It's not always easy, but I'm learning. Sometimes I have to literally hold my mouth shut. But my relationship with my son is improving by doing this.

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?
Yes. And it is a disease that affects the whole family.

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have tried to tell my son what to do and how to do it. I've tried to fix things for him. I've tried to love him back to health. I've tried to manipulate others into doing what I think is best for them. The consequences were strained relationships and nothing good ever came out of it other than the illusion I carried for quite some time that I had control.

What brought me into Al-Anon? How have my expectations changed?
My family expressed serious concern about me and my obsession with my alcoholic son. I was devastated and was watching him die, spiraling downhill and I just didn't know anything else to do, other than try to save my son's life. I didn't understand at the time that only he could save his life. My expectations have changed in that I understand so much more about the disease of alcoholism and that I am powerless not only over alcohol, but also other people, places, and things.

How do I know my life is unmanageable?
Because my life was in complete chaos. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breathe. I think I was much sicker than my son. Things are improving, but I am still hanging onto crazy at times.

Do I take care of others easily but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes. Others come first. Through Al-Anon I'm slowly making changes to that. It's a bit uncomfortable, but I'm working on it.

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them?
I don't know that I'm attracted to alcoholics, but I'm definitely attracted to other people who need me. I want to feel needed and I like to help fix things for others. Maybe it's because it seems easier than fixing things for myself.

What is the difference between pity and love?
What a great question. Love is supportive and mutual. Pity puts someone in a superior position. I'm reflecting right now on this question because it's helping me realize the excuses I made for the alcoholic was out of pity (self-medicating due to trauma, due to anxiety, due to unresolved grief). Pity isn't helpful for anyone. It allows me to enable and try to take over control.

Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Yes. I do trust my feelings, but I don't always trust my gut, which is a big mistake.



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Hello Growing, I can see that you are certainly dedicated to "growing 'as your responses to this Step are extremely insightful and honest. As far as selecting a sponsor, I suggest that you make as many meetings as you can,listen for a person you can identify with, who has good recovery and then ask .
Keep coming back here as well you are not alone.

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Betty


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Step one questions

Do I accept that I cannot control another person, their behavior or the drinking?

Actually i am up late tonight and sharing on this step board because i thought it might help me find a little more 'acceptance .. I'm up because i am 'feeling my powerlessness and just need to sink it to my heart now .. i figure sharing is Better than sitting here thinking of All the 'things in my life (including myself & others) i wish i could Control right now in this moment (all in a moment; imagine that; that would some kind of control; only god can do that and 'only if i let him) .. probably a very good thing (i) can't control (no one could take it .. funny to think of this .. but to be honest .. no one would feel think remember look have choices (be different than me) .. hmm sounds a little (lot) like my upbringing ..

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits and needs and ways of reacting in a different from mine ..

well to be honest i should probably begin by admitting .. i am not sure i treated my addict as an individual (deserving) of respect or love .. I believe in my mind i was often reminding myself he 'deserved to be punished for .. look what he did (to me)

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?

do i believe it and do i accept it are 2 different things .. Yes i believe it definitely is a disease and that i have one too having been effected by it .. accepting it is hard .. with those i am angriest with it has taken me longer to let it sink they are not bad people they have a disease ..  i am hard on me too sometimes (that is my disease)

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

i manipulated ..reasoned yelled blamed pointed cried laughed entertained .. nothing worked the alcoholic was angry
realizing lately too trying to change other things .. including my 'feelings ? i can't even control change cure those or my thinking without an entire fellowship and god in the center .. realized Just today wow . i can't control these things so i let the food smokes other control them instead .. i eat because i cannot control my feelings ? change them ? cure them ? how insane is that .. pretty insane for sure

What brought me into Al-Anon? How have my expectations change?

came to change the alcoholic get the answers .. i no longer expect Him to change when I have recovery

How do I know my life is unmanageable?

Every area of my life seems broken .. my finances are a mess; my health is a mess (smoker) my weight isn't where i want it .. my family relations are distant to virtually nonexistent .. I feel my powerlessness .. I feel myself trying to cling to things slowly being removed (or being lost) (we) lose ourselves (things we love) in this disease (things we don't turn over to god)

Do I take care of others easily but fin it difficult to care for myself?

caring about ourselves wasn't part of growing up; wasn't important as long as we cared (or made it look like we did) for others

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them?

And vice versa .. i can't stand it .. tonight on the phone with an alc who is 'also untreated alanon (the reading in blue how alanon works; little god calling all the shots (knowing Everything self right smug; lord i am irritated)  .. i realized i can't say one word because he will hack it apart and make it a Huge deal when it doesn't need to be (fix it) I did that for years; always had the answer (never the solution) . I am fried

What is the difference between pity and love?

pity is perhaps sympathy while love is perhaps empathy (sharing experience hope strength)

Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

No i do not; I don't always trust my 'own' thinking either (nor should I) without a fellowship of others I am a danger to Myself .. (confused alone)

I don't trust my 'feelings when: i am angry; lonely; afraid; worried; obsessive; confused; it's possible i will be able to trust them at different times like when i am in a meeting with serenity or when i am praying and feeling at ease (guided)



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Great responses Freedom Your honesty and wisdom will serve you well as you walk this road to recovery.

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Betty


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Posts: 15
Date:

Do I accept that I cannot control another person, their behavior or the drinking?
Yes, I accept this much more readily than a year ago, when I first came to the 12 steps.

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits and needs and ways of reacting in a different from mine?
I think this is about learning not to take on what isn't mine to begin with. Learning that someone else's choices are not my business, and that I am not the centre of the universe - not all things involve or have to revolve around me and what I see as 'right.' I can listen, observe, and hold back from reactivity.

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?
Yes.

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have tried to stop people drinking, taking drugs. I have tried to get others to be more responsible, or kinder, or less powerful. None of my efforts at controlling others have helped. Efforts to control or change others only damages that person further, and damages myself.

What brought me into Al-Anon? How have my expectations change?
I saw the changes in a friend's life, who has worked the NA programme for many years. She has always suggested I give Al-anon a chance, because of my family background, and the difficulties I had at times, with living. I don't think I had any expectations then. I just didn't want to go further down into the depression I lived with.

How do I know my life is unmanageable?
My life is unmanageable when I look into the week ahead and wonder how I'm going to fulfill everything I have to do. My life is unmanagable when I just want to give up when things get too much, or I lose perspective on and gratitude for what I have, and how I am able to hold it together. When I feel anxiety, my life is unmanageable

Do I take care of others easily but fin it difficult to care for myself?
This has been the story of my life.

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them?
I used to be. Not really any more. Now I am more attracted to situations that I believe won't function well without me in them. I am working on that.

What is the difference between pity and love?
I find it much easier - and clearer - to pity and to want to help than to love or act out of love. Love, I suppose, is there even when I am not needed for something. This is still a murky area for me.

Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I don't trust my own feelings fully. I don't yet operate out of what is truly good for me. I still suppress my own feelings, often not knowing what they even are, and I react to the needs of others, rather than acting for my own needs or what is healthy for me. I feel this will take time to untangle.

Thank you Betty for your service.


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Hello Minight Jan than you so much for sharing your in depth thoughts with the MIP Board Step one is the start of a very important journey into ourselves.. Keep on keeping on

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Betty
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