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Post Info TOPIC: Alanon Step 4(3-24-2018)


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Alanon Step 4(3-24-2018)


Step  Four:   Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
 
C2C reading page 345 my fourth step inventory helped me to discover" who I am". What my values are and  the behavior, I would 'd like to keep and what I would  like to change.
 
 The quote is from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. "He that respects himself is safe from others he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce."
My share

I love the fact that this step asks us to do a searching and fearless moral inventory. I know my first attempt at a fourth step was certainly far from fearless, however I attempted it anyway and with the help of my sponsor it was certainly worth the effort. Since that first endeavor. I do a yearly fourth step, and I will assure you it is fearless.  I have come to accept myself as an imperfect human being and understand that by looking within and uncovering what I'm doing to hurt myself is  the only way that I can have a happy life. I no longer feel shame or embarrassment by admitting that I once was full of fear, anger, resentment and self-pity. By looking at these and sharing about them,the tendency to go to these defects has been lifted and I am happy to report replaced by love, compassion, empathy, and acceptance. This is a powerful step. So please keep on working
 
Step four questions

Before we start inventory. Please list all your positive traits. It is  very important as they will be used to rebuild your life. For example i am  kind  considerate, compassionate etc
 
In what ways are you resentful ?
 
Whom do I resent?
 
Do I judge other people harshly?
 
 Do I hold everybody and everything to an impossible standard.?
 
Do I judge myself?
 
Am I fearful?
 
Am I dishonest ?
 
Do I feel sorry for myself,and am I  filled with self-pity?

Do I feel responsible for someone Elise's sobriety ?

Do I take on responsibilities are not mine?
Am  I comfortable with my sexuality?

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves?
 
We must remember that in step four we have begun the journey of self trust and self-knowledge as we continue this journey we will soon  find that  trusting ourselves and our Higher Power becomes second nature. . Congratulations for completing this Step and share the excitement and relief you  feel  then move on to the next  step.  I have completed several 4th Steps in my lifetime and each time  a new hidden defect was revealed.   Program is a process as is recovery
 
 

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Betty


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Thank you, Betty. I am currently working through Step 4 in the BluePrint book... so this comes at a good time!

My Good Qualities: compassionate, loving, empathic, artistic, detail-orientated, honest, giving, and lastly (but can be a negative as well) perfectionist.


Step four questions

Before we start inventory. Please list all your positive traits. It is very important as they will be used to rebuild your life. For example i am kind considerate, compassionate etc

In what ways are you resentful ? I am resentful of my husband. I feel that b/c we've been through addiction before & he knew my boundary, that he should've never brought the family to this place again. I resent the fact that I cannot currently manage supporting myself and my son without public assistance. I resent the fact that I will never have the fairy-tale life I always envisioned. I resent that I gave and gave, but I was always told I did not support enough.

Whom do I resent? My AH. Actually, he is now my STBXRAH... and I can still get caught up in the resentment of him!

Do I judge other people harshly? I can. Because I lean towards perfectionism in myself, I feel if I can do it, anybody can do it to the same level I can. I never knew that I silently judged people who could not manage things like I do. Since understanding Al-Anon (the first time), I am much better... I try very hard not to judge others. Oddly, that does not mean I don't judge myself harshly. THAT I am still learning.

Do I hold everybody and everything to an impossible standard.? Myself yes. As stated above, I am much better with others.

Do I judge myself? Very harshly. It's like I can't give myself a break.

Am I fearful? When living with my AH, I was very fearful. Mostly fearful that he would lose his job, and our main source of income. I was fearful that I was becoming someone I hated. I was fearful that my decision to stay with my spouse 8 years ago negatively affected my son.

Am I dishonest ? For the most part, no. I mean, small "white lies" to keep pain from others I do... but out and out lies? No, I don't do that. In fact, it is a trigger for me now... in other words, I don't do well with those people who do lie to me. The backside to this, is that I am very distrustful of others. Not balanced, I know. I have learned that it helps me to feel protected. Occasionally, I have found in this day and age, it is not always a bad thing to be distrustful. My goal is to be careful and wary, but be able to let go and give myself over to trust. It is a slow process for me.

Do I feel sorry for myself,and am I filled with self-pity? Oh Lord, yes! It is embarrassing to say so, but I hated my life & was always wondering why bad stuff had to happen to me! I felt that the saying "Bad things happen to good people," was all about me! LOL! There are times where I still get stuck briefly there...it leads to depression. I think this self-pity kept me stuck from accepting the saying, "It is what it is." I have always hated that saying. Why does it have to be "what it is?" Why can't I demand something different? It has taken me awhile to understand that I have every right to want something different, something better, but it can't be with an addictive person.

Do I feel responsible for someone Elise's sobriety ? Thankfully, no. My first stint in Al-Anon helped me to see that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it!

Do I take on responsibilities are not mine? Yes. I will step in and offer, even if it means undue stress to myself. I am learning to keep my mouth closed.
Am I comfortable with my sexuality? Yes.

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? Yes. It is something I've had to learn to let go of during the first rehab with AH. But, I still applied this behavior to my young son. The last four years have been about me working on pulling away, and allowing him to "do" him. Even though I knew what the right thing was, this second time into AL-Anon, I found that I had back-slid into my old "helping" ways with my AH. It is VERY easy to do when you can't depend on your significant other... you learn to try and do it all yourself, otherwise things don't get done. Of course, when I stopped doing those things for AH, that is when things became unbearable in the home. I soon found that I could not live that way... even with detachment.

Thank you for allowing me to post about my journey. It is ever-changing.



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Good Morning P@P: so glad that you posted your assets before posting your thoughts on the Step 4 questions. Happy that we are sharing his journey



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Betty


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Before we start inventory. Please list all your positive traits. It is very important as they will be used to rebuild your life. For example i am kind considerate, compassionate etc

In what ways are you resentful ?

Whom do I resent? My mother. Myself. at various times one or other of my grown children. This makes me sad to admit. I never felt resentment to them when they were children. My brother and his wife and kids.

Do I judge other people harshly? oh yes.

Do I hold everybody and everything to an impossible standard.? i don't know

Do I judge myself?yes

Am I fearful? at times, very.

Am I dishonest ? with myself mostly.

Do I feel sorry for myself,and am I filled with self-pity? at times, yes

Do I feel responsible for someone Elise's sobriety ? yes -

Do I take on responsibilities are not mine? yes - then get behind on the ones that are
Am I comfortable with my sexuality?yes

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? yes

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Susan


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Hello Susan Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this powerful step. Glad that we are sharing he journey

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Betty


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Step four questions

Before we start inventory. Please list all your positive traits. It is  very important as they will be used to rebuild your life. For example i am  kind  considerate, compassionate etc
 
In what ways are you resentful ? I am resentful that I was raised in such a dysfunctional family and not given the basic life tools by my parents that I needed. I resent that I have to go back and reparent  myself to learn how to function in some areas of life, and do their job for them on top of everything else life has thrown. I resent my behaviours that are triggered when stressed, that come directly from my mother...It is not me and it feels really aweful and like I cant control her presence in my being.
 
Whom do I resent? Both of my parents.  I resent many family members also for not taking  my hand when I reached out to them as an adult to try to connect with some family, any family as I felt so isolated.
I realised they are the same family members who stood back and did not intervene to protect myself and my sibling when we were children. It makes sense now that they diddnt want to connect even though I expressed deep loneliness. if they weren't there for us then, of course they wont be there for me/us now.
 
Do I judge other people harshly? I went the other way and became much much too accepting of rotten behaviour. Just now I'm learning to be harsh enough to judge in my mind what I consider to be unacceptable behaviour, and to choose not to be around it/certain people.
 
 Do I hold everybody and everything to an impossible standard.? Yes, with communications. I get very frustrated with a substandard level of communication about important things. I am learning (slowly) that there are many many people who do not want to communicate effectively. Avoidants, co dependents and addicts in particular do not seem to be in the habit of communicating to gain mutual understanding of truth, but rather communicating only elements that they feel will get them the result they want, ie: ending the conversation asap , or manipulating. I have to lower my standards and especially my expectations and let it go around these types.
 
Do I judge myself?
Yes when I am very stressed. I caught myself looking in the mirror a few weeks ago and saying "No wonder my family don't even love me" when I was exhausted and feeling shame about being grumpy around my kids. I didn't realise I could be so low on myself.
 
Am I fearful? I feel grateful that higher power faith has restored me in that area mostly. I do have fear when my mother comes through me when I am angry or stressed. it makes me feel very scared and powerless.
 
Am I dishonest ? Honesty is so incredibly important to me growing up around so many lies and a family culture of sweeping things under the carpet. Yes at times I can sense the presence of  very deeply ingrained behaviours around lying that again were modelled to me by family of origin, very very difficult to weed out thoroughly.
 
Do I feel sorry for myself,and am I  filled with self-pity? Yes, around being outcast by my family for being in recovery. I feel self pity that their desire to keep family secrets under wrap is stronger than their love for me, and 99percent of them don't know if I am dead or alive. It feels very harsh to me. Grattitude for the life I have now, healthy and full of love was clearly meant to be my path.

Do I feel responsible for someone Elise's sobriety ? No thankfully I don't have addicts in my life today, only very boundary heavy contact with one family member and I make the most of what we do/can have.

Do I take on responsibilities are not mine? Yes I think so.Yes

Am  I comfortable with my sexuality? Yes.

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? I was shockingly bad with this when I was in relationship. I have a lot more healing to do before I will go back into relationship.


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Hello GRACE, GREAT IN DEPTH RESPONSES.  IT IS EVIDENT  that YOU ARE WORKING THE PROGRAM WITH DEDICATION AND i AM GLAD THAT WE ARE SHARING THE JOURNEY.



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Betty


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Step 4
List positive traits
Caring, organised, loving, thorough, can be funny, compassionate, intelligent, open minded, spiritual , aware

In what ways are you resentful ? I'm very resentful towards the a . I'm resentful that my life has not been a fairy tale. I resent feeling controlled, I resent doing everything for kids/house. I resent the non alanons and their denial. I resent people that appear to have it all.
Do I judge other people harshly ? Strange one, I am too forgiving and people pleasing, but equally I'm v quick to judge and have an opinion on how other people think or feel. I judge the people I feel safe with more harshly than the ones who I fear
Do I hold everyone and everything to an impossibly high standard ? Yes without a doubt. I have an image of how my life should appear and it's a fairy tale. I want to live in a home where everyone does things my way and there are no disagreements. I'm resentful and reluctant to live life on life's terms . I am a terminal adjuster !
Do I judge myself? I tend to judge other people before looking at myself , but I carry a lot of guilt so that in itself is judgement,
Am I fearful? Absolutely I am filled with fear about the future mainly about what the a will or won't do
Am I dishonest? I manipulate situations to protect people and people please
Do I feel sorry for myself ? Less so than I used to but I can get trapped in a very self pity place, I think I've learned quite a lot on this so I tend to be able to snap myself out of it fairly quickly
Do I feel responsible for someone else sobriety? Absolutely not. I used to completely but not any more. This is where my program is strong. I take zero responsibility for the alcoholics drinking, sobriety and behaviour.
Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? Less so now but I'm still very quick to volunteer things to keep people happy and then get resentful when it's not offered back
Am I comfortable with my sexuality ? Yes
Do I do for others what they can do for themselves? No . I support my partner (not the alcoholic ) and do things for him, but he in turn does things for me . I don't resent them. I did resent doing things for a. I no longer do.

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Hello Faith, I love your asset listing.aww Seeing these positive gifts really helped me to move forward and grow one day at a time. I am happy that you have found the tools to take action and not hurt yourself with resentment. I am glad that we are sharing the journey.



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Betty


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Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves


My share

The fourth step is something I'm approaching with excitement and trepidation. This is the first time I will complete the fourth step and currently, I'm still on step one with my sponsor, but I know when it's time, I will be ready.  I'm already learning about so many of my character defects (most of them are former survival skills from my childhood) through my Al-Anon meetings, through reading the literature, and through my step work.  I'm feeling some deeply sad feelings about the ways my character defects have affected my children and the way I raised them.  As part of step four, I also look at my positive traits so it's a relief to remind myself of all the ways I was a loving and supportive mother to my children.  I'm not sure I could survive this inventory without holding onto that.  I have a great many things to look forward to, such as replacing my character defects with positive traits.  


Step four questions

Before we start inventory. Please list all your positive traits. I am kind, caring, responsible, loving, open-minded, generous, and intelligent

In what ways are you resentful?  I'm resentful of this disease, most of all. I'm resentful that I had to be the one in charge of my family as a child and didn't have an opportunity to be a child.  I'm resentful that my husband took his life and left me alone with two young children and that our son turned to alcohol to deal with the pain of his dad abandoning him.  I'm resentful that my son developed this terrible disease and that I didn't recognize him when he was active in his alcoholism and that although he has found recovery, he will be forever changed.  I am resentful that I married my second husband and that I never felt like I had a true partner in him.  I'm actually not sure if I resent all of these things any longer.  I'm starting to accept many of these things.  And that's thanks to Al-Anon.  


Whom do I resent?  I mostly resent alcoholism.  I think I have forgiven most people.  I still have some lingering resentment toward my second husband.  

Do I judge other people harshly?  Yes, I'm working on this.  I judge myself most harshly and hold others to standards that are mine, not theirs.  This is something I'm working on in my first step.  I'm recognizing that individuals have habits, characteristics, and ways of dealing with things that are different than my own.  This has been huge for me.  

Do I hold everybody and everything to an impossible standard?  I definitely have in the past.  I've been working on this.  

Do I judge myself?  Yes, terribly.  This is an area I need to work on.  It seems easier to stop judging others than to stop judging myself.

Am I fearful?  Yes, I have a lot of fears.  As I'm developing my relationship with my Higher Power and am meditating more, my fears are lessening or are at least holding less power over me.  

Am I dishonest?  No, I would say that I'm a very honest person.  Although, if I'm afraid of someone's judgement or I'm needing approval, then I may be dishonest about how I feel in order to please someone else.  This is something I need to work on.


Do I feel sorry for myself and am I filled with self-pity?  When I first came into the program I was filled with self-pity.  I could fill you in on all the ways I was dealt a difficult hand with a life full of tragedies.  I was quite the martyr.  These days, through Al-Anon, I am not full of self-pity.  I'm learning I can grieve my losses and feel my feelings, but if I want healing I also need to focus on recovery.  I can do this by seeking my Higher Power, connecting with others, reading CAL, going to meetings, and doing my step work.

Do I feel responsible for someone else's sobriety?  No I don't.  I'm not sure I ever did, although I used to think I could teach my son why drinking wasn't good for him.  I no longer think this works.  I didn't cause it.  I can't cure it.  I can't control it.  

Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine?  Sometimes I still do, I must admit.  I've learned to let go of most of my son's responsibilities, but occasionally I have an urge to help him.  At these times I go to my Higher Power for guidance as to whether my help is supportive of his recovery or whether it's enabling and weakening him.   


Am I comfortable with my sexuality?  Yes

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves?  Sometimes.  Mostly when it comes to my children.  I'm improving in this area.




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Hello Growing lovely share thank you. I appreciate your sharing your thoughts on this important step with such honesty and introspection . Please do keep sharing the journey

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Betty


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Thank you for the opportunity to share, Betty!

Step four questions

Before we start inventory. Please list all your positive traits. It is very important as they will be used to rebuild your life. For example i am kind considerate, compassionate etc
I am creative, kind, self-sufficient, loyal, responsible

In what ways are you resentful ?
I can resent those who I feel are not "looking after" or taking care of me, even though I am now 47 years old.

Whom do I resent?
People who intrude of my time and space, I can also, if I let things slip, be resentful of my aged parents, my non-working husband, or my superior at work.

Do I judge other people harshly?
When I was more fearful, my judgements towards others were definitely harsher. There are one or two people in my life with whom I do still stand in judgement - but working on it!

Do I hold everybody and everything to an impossible standard.?
My judgements come if I feel envy in some way, or if I feel that someone has something that they don't deserve, or that I feel envious of. Like time, or resources, that I feel they don't 'deserve.'

Do I judge myself?
Sometimes, at my low points, I can judge myself as useless, or ineffective, or a waste, but it is all about perspective.

Am I fearful?
Much less than I used to be. The only thing I am fearful about now is following my own path, and making decisions for myself that go against what others want me to do.

Am I dishonest ?
Not to other people. Sometimes I think I can be too honest, or too blunt with others. Perhaps I am dishonest with myself at times. When I know I don't want to do something, I can deny my own truth and people-please instead. still.

Do I feel sorry for myself,and am I filled with self-pity?
This too is getting better, since I realise more and more my own part in the situations in which I find myself. I am able to accept things more easily, when I realise I played a part in creating them.

Do I feel responsible for someone Elise's sobriety ?
No. Not anymore. I used to feel responsible for my father's, and my brother's addiction. But not now.

Do I take on responsibilities are not mine?
Not really. I do take on way, way too much.

Am I comfortable with my sexuality?
Yes, in my own eyes. Less so in the eyes of others.

Do I do for others what they can do for themselves?
No. I am quite good at focussing on my own path now, and letting others and their lives be up to them to direct and control.

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Hi Midnight Jane than you for taking the time to process this Step, list your assets and to be honest with what you found within. This step s extremely important to our recovery and I am happy you shared .

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Betty
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