We Admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable
C2C page 32. Al-Anon helped me to learn that I am powerless, I cannot stop the alcoholic from drinking. If I choose to stop contributing to the problem, I do so because it seems to be the right thing to do something that will help me feel better about myself.
My share
It was pointed out to me that the first word in this step was the most important---"WE". A powerful reminded that I am not alone and that I cannot work this program alone
"This step was the key to my recovery journey!!. Once I truly accepted that I had NO Power over people, places and things, I finally understood deep within that I had to turn the focus back onto myself and attempt (If slowly) to change my reactions to the world.
My"visible life had not become unmanageable. On the outside I looked like Ms. Kool as I used my "pretend and "deny" tools to show the world " a Happy face". Inwardly it was a different story. I was filled with anger, self pity resentment and fear I could not feel happiness and really though that life was not worth living That is unmanageable at the finest. I am glad I finally surrendered to the first step .
Step 1 Questions
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Whom do you feel victimized by?
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Who or what are you most Worried about?
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
serenity47 said
Jan 15, 2016
Step one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives were unmanageable. The we part escaped me for a long time. We simply did not exist in my vocabulary. I was determined that I was going to beat this back on my own. My life did become unmanageable day by day and it was not until I was simply exhausted and beat down myself that I considered even asking for any kind of help. I for some reason viewed asking for help and admitting powerlessness as weak yet was more then happy to help others. I tried very hard to portray that everything was fine on the outside but it wasn't. People would ask me if I was ok but I chose to deny and hide my turmoil even though clearly something was wrong as I was beginning to isolate, and the stress of being a lone soldier resulted in weight loss, sleeplessness which affected my physical appearance. I did not want to have an unmanageable life....I did not want to be powerless and again and again I wrestled with these concepts and I am finally beginning to accept them. Powerless does not mean helpless. Powerless is actually very freeing to me. I can quit trying to scale that brick wall again and again and use my power in my own life. So simple when you finally accept and get it but for me a huge struggle.
Questions:1. Have you been trying to exert power and influence where you may in reality have none? Yes! over and over again Because I was dealing with my adult child, I felt it was my job to get her on the "right path" I could not understand how all of the love and caring, morals and values I had installed in her could be thrown out the window. I stated that I knew it was a disease but yet I really did not understand it as clearly as I thought I did based on my response to it.
2. Who do you feel is controlling you and causing you stress? For a long time I have felt like my childs life was controlling mine. My very existence became emeshed with her well being and she was the first thing I thought of when I opened my eyes and the last thing I thought of before going to sleep. Her life, well being, happiness, career, is all I could think about and when she wasn't doing well I was doing even worse. My relationships with other people have suffered because of this.
3. What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? I would have to focus on me. I would have to examine my own life and flaws. I would have to give up control!
4. What are some areas in your life that currently reflect unmanageability? I had given up my job as unable to cope with the stress and this gave me more time to focus on fixing my child. Spiritually I felt empty with no real connection to anything. I was simply going through the motions of day to day life. My physical health suffered a great deal and in my twisted thinking I remember believing she was going to see all of the impact her behaviour was having on me and this was going to make her stop! Now, I am trying to put myself first and for fun and enjoyment I go to yoga, walk, meditate, get massages, meet with friends for coffee, and read.
5. What are the current state of your relationships with family/friends? My relationships have suffered dramatically. I was unable to be present in them and used up all of my energy and resources trying to save my daughter. I am beginning to re-connect with those that matter to me. I do feel guilty for neglecting them.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? My mind is starting to come out of the fog. It is like I have been underwater for a long time and now I can begin to get a little bit of air. I am holding myself responsible for my health, emotions and the state of my relationships and have some damage to repair.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? I feel resentful sometimes about the financial impact this has had on my life. I have worked very hard to be in a good financial situation in order to try and retire early but now that may be delayed due to having chased this disease around cleaning up messes. I feel resentful that everyone comes to me to fix their problems and then I feel trapped and ineffective when I don't have the solution. Again because it was my child I felt it was my responsibility and obligation to cure her.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a twelve step group. My child going into treatment and me attending a family program where I had the opportunity to be vulnerable and focus on myself and really accept that it is ok to ask for help and not try to do it all alone. In fact it is impossible to do it alone. I have just very recently surrendered to attending face to face meetings. That has been incredibly challenging and humbling for me!!
-- Edited by serenity47 on Saturday 16th of January 2016 05:04:56 AM
hotrod said
Jan 15, 2016
Thank you Serenity for sharing with such honesty and clarity. The first 3 Steps are ones I work each morning when i wake up. I will never let go of the"We " portion of the program.
Broken513 said
Jan 16, 2016
Step one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives were unmanageable.
I am so glad we are back to step one... I honestly cannot get past the first 3 steps.. Ive yet to have a sponsor and sometimes I think I am trying to hard to get this and know clearly it is one day at a time. I stuggle with being powerless over anything....however my life is a little better than unmanageable ..better than it had been anyway. I can put a smile on my face and fake it till I make it for only so long, and then I feel myself slipping. So I do what I can to get back up. We had a nice change for a week...but then things turned for the worse again and all I could do was throw my hands up in the air and surrender to step one again.
I dont even know if I am doing this right...but I do the best I can.
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Unfortunatly yes, I do this all the time but not just to my A...to everyone and everything. I just dont know how sometimes to step back and let someone else take over.
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
Again, unfortunatly yes! I have been trying to presued my mother in law to come stay with us as she is getting weaker and weaker, and constantly calling and needing things...it would just be so much easier for her to come here...she only lives 20 min away but AH is usually in no condition to go to her. Am I being selfish?
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
My husband and my mother in law. I lose hope for husband because he is so up and down...doing well for few days then downhill for a few weeks...it doesnt even have balance. and that drives me crazy....and stressed out.... and MIL with her needs...I mean we owe her so much she has always been there when we needed her...she is very generous but also very controling. very stressful....again i feel as if im being selfish.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
If I had to completly stop controlling I fear things could get worse. I refuse to let AH drive when he is drunk on whiskey and he will usually stay...but I cannot stop him when he is drunk on beer.. If I push MIL too hard she may start ignoring me all together, I have seen her do this to other people and then tell lies about them...she is a compulsive liar...sorry to say. If I let her stop controlling us there is no telling what she will do...honestly I dont care what she says about me...please dont get me wrong I love both my husband and MIL very much...but sometimes enough is enough.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect on manageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
My emotions are up and down..depending on where I am what day it is and how i feel or if im in physical pain at the time. finances suck..ha! I am currently not working and he draws a small ss check each month. spirituality has gotten much better for me through all of this. if it were not for HP and Alanon i have no idea where I would be today. Physical health has been so so lately I have a lot of back, neck and hip problems..I believe its my sciatica nerve. As far as a career I am working on that with the grooming sessions...I wish I could finish so I can start my business. Fun and pleasure is grooming lately....for a while there I was going to lunch with several of my friends from work but we halted because of the holidays...and well I can only charge so much on my credit cards....so thats at a hault....
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
I guess I kind of answered that in the last question. The only time i feel aone is when Ah is drinking and we just dont speak anymore because I have learned it doesnt work and usualy ends in a major argument.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
Well this too I have learned there is no one to blame but myself for my emotions, finances and health. As far as the relationship goes with AH it is a 2 way street...I am doing the best I can to do my part ...nothing has changed with him.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
Ha! even here I dont want to say it...
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
Most people know my story...I didnt realize how bad things were until my sister passed away in July and I had no support from my AH. I didnt realize how awful that is for someone to not have their spouse supporting them and then him turning around saying i feel so alone while he drank for the whole thing.....anyway..the past is the past...but thats the jest of how i started the 12 steps.
I am equally worried about my husband and mil. I do what i can when I can to do something for myself...thats the new me, where I never did anything for myself in the past..... and last but not lease YES I do feel I would be happy or happier if he would behave differently...we experienced it for a week of sobriety, and then a week of just one beer a day...those were good weeks....but then he hit the whiskey...and I was at my wits end.....he was very ill that night... and I did share about it in the pm mip meeting
hotrod said
Jan 16, 2016
Hi Debra Thank you for your in depth response to Step 1 it is a process and when working this program it is always progress not perfection that we seek. Truly accepting our powerlessness takes time and daily effort.
Keep on trusting the tools and keep coming back. You are worth it.
mrsp said
Jan 17, 2016
Dont know where to begin . Totally new. I have been following group chat for a week or so and did share some the last few days. I have literature on the 12 steps and the net also is very informative. Do I start with step one or is a sponsor recommended first.. As I said I have been reading everything in sight but not sure the proper and most beneficial agenda. Need a direction.
hotrod said
Jan 17, 2016
Hi Cheryl Welcome It is recommended that each member attend face to face meeting and find a sponsor to work the Steps.
You can certainly jump on here,read the postings and attempt to answer the questions honestly. The first 3 Steps are direct and do not ask that we go inward to search out our own disconnects and issues. A sponsor is very useful in the self reflective Steps from 4 to 10 . We each attempt to work the program as we are able so if you feel like responding here please do so.
Betty
Enigmatic said
Jan 18, 2016
Welcome, Cheryl! I applaud your effort and being willing to seek out literature and jump in...
You mentioned having literature and perhaps already have it, but I just completed my first attempt at working through the steps, and I found the publication 'Paths to Recovery - Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts' (the source of some of the questions used on this board) very helpful in gaining perspective and seeing application on each of the steps.
I wish you well on your journey
mrsp said
Jan 18, 2016
Thanks all. I live rural and unfortunately finding a sponsor or having a face to face is almost out of the question due to the closest one being 80 miles away. I am going to take the advise everyone gave.'Paths to Recovery - Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts' and Courage To Change are two publications I have ordered. If you all are willing I will jump on her and begin my journey. Its been a long time coming. But excited to know I am on the right road and I dont have to do it alone.
hotrod said
Jan 18, 2016
Great Cheryl Looking forward to your contributions. Your thoughts,and experience are most welcome. Try simply answering the questions outlined in the First step , share them here and ask any question you like. You are on your way.
mrsp said
Jan 18, 2016
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results? In the past I have tried to control my AH. To influence. In many ways I felt the need to not only for his safety and good health but for my own. Controling , for what ever reason became a full time job that I began to resent and hate. After so many years the apathy took over. After a childhood of dealing with an abusive A father I had promised myself that once I began my own marriage it would never become a lifestyle. After 20 years of bliss, out of nowhere it became an issue again. During the next 20 years I guess I just plain got tired and decided I dont want the job of controlling ever again because controlling goes hand and hand with a lot of work and abuse and heartache and frustration . He can have that job.
-- Edited by mrsp on Monday 18th of January 2016 09:13:43 PM
hotrod said
Jan 18, 2016
Great response to Step 1 Cheryl I would suggest that you continue to remind yourself of this Step each day and then recite the serenity prayer each time you are tempted to control. We will be moving to Step 2 in a week.
mrsp said
Jan 19, 2016
thanks for being there hotrod. You are dearly appreciated.
-- Edited by mrsp on Tuesday 19th of January 2016 04:03:01 AM
mrsp said
Jan 19, 2016
I ordered Paths to Recovery - Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts' and Courage To Change. Thanks for the suggestions Enigmatic
hotrod said
Jan 19, 2016
great
kj said
Jan 19, 2016
Hi Everyone -
I am new to this program. I have been reading "How Al-Anon Works." It goes over the steps, traditions, etc. It's been very comforting to read some of the stories and ideas... it's like I'm reading about myself. I grew up with an alcoholic father, whom I don't speak to anymore. That relationship ended years ago. I swore that I would never allow that kind of behavior back into my life. Fast forward to three years ago when I met my "current" boyfriend, who is also an alcoholic. I didn't realize how bad it was until we moved in together about 1.5 years ago. Since living together, he's been to rehab (at my persistence), attended regular AA meetings, off and on, more intensely in the last 2 months or so. I have done all the begging, pleading, bargaining, given ultimatums that I didn't follow through on, you name it... nothing works.
So here I am, admitting to myself that I am powerless over alcohol and that this life has become unmanageable.
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
Clearly I have. At some point, I thought I had the ability, through my words or actions, to influence my boyfriends decision to drink or not. I have tried to control his behavior by limiting participation in certain events/outings, by making the above mentioned ultimatums, etc. I would go behind him, looking for proof of drinking - bottles, receipts, etc. The harder I tried the more I came to realize that he's a grown adult. He's going to do what he wants/chooses to do regardless of my behavior. Once coming to realize that, I have lessened my will to control, but not 100% - still working on this. However, after his binge this past weekend, I asked him to move out. I can't do it anymore. I have to take care of myself first. I can't do that if he's there in my face drinking. I've had enough. I know that al-anon recommends working the steps for 6 months before making any life decisions, but I believe this is the right move for me now (have been dealing with it since the beginning, but more so in the last year & a half). I can't keep on living like this and waiting for the next ball to drop. I can't keep allowing him to beg and plead, me give in to him, and then finding the lies. I do believe him when he says that he wants to quit drinking, but I believe he'll be more successful, as will I, if we get some separation. I believe that if we are truly meant to be together, after he's had some longer term sobriety, we will find each other again.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
My boyfriend is making me feel crazy and this is causing me stress. His insecurities. My inability to trust him. The worrying, wondering, what-iffing, hiding my craziness and stress from family, friends. My pretending that everything is okay all the time. It's stressful to keep up the charade and it is exhausting! I do feel that I've become a victim again. A victim of alcoholism. Another person affected deep down to my core that I just can't shake on my own. Alcoholism is controlling our lives. It has a strangle-hold on my boyfriend. And on me - the thoughts about whether or not he'll drink or stay sober permeates everything in my life. I avoid talking about it to my friends and family. I deny that he's still drinking - embarrassed to admit that I've continued to stay with him even though I have been miserable.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I would have to face being alone again (based on my request for him to leave). I feel okay about that though - gives me more of an opportunity to focus on my own needs and wants.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, and career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
The only real area that I feel is unmanageable right now is my home/personal life. My emotions are all over the place. I am unhappy. I am tired. I am lonelier when he is home than when he is not. I am angry at times. Angry at him for putting me in this position. And angry at myself for allowing him to be in my life. Angry that I can't control it. Sad that I can't control it. But I take comfort in knowing that I have a place to turn and there are others that have experienced this. I am happy to have found al-alon.
What am I doing for fun? That's kind of a joke most of the time. We don't go anywhere or do anything together. Even when he's not drinking, he's often asleep on the couch. I have, more recently, been making plans to do things without him. Why should I have to sit at home, doing nothing, while he's at his meetings or while he chooses to spend any time at home asleep!? I am working harder at making plans to go out and do things on my own, spend more time with family and friends, and just get out! I have felt so isolated... being with others helps.
5. What is your current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers? Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
I most of the time feel alone and isolated. I hesitate to even mention anything about my boyfriend to my family because of his past actions, they have nothing to say or if they do, it's almost always negative. That doesn't help me, so I keep it to myself. I don't have that many close friends and don't spend much time with the ones I do. I do have one friend who has experienced this before and she is a great listener and offers resources or helpful advice sometimes. She's the one I most often turn to when I just need to vent. I am working on this, too.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
I feel distracted most of the time. Its been hard for me to focus on the task at hand when alcoholism and my boyfriends struggle with it (and mine) are always running through the back of my mind. I find myself all over the place when Im working or when Im at home even trying to do anything. Although my mind is often consumed with these thoughts, I do realize that I am responsible for my own actions, my reactions to his behavior, and for the state of all of my current relationships with everyone I know. I have allowed these thoughts to consume me and it is up to me to refocus my thoughts and my own behaviors on myself and my needs. My happiness is dependent on me.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but dont want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you cant say it?
I feel resentful about allowing my boyfriend and his illness to control me and my life. I feel I have to let him go. I feel that he cannot focus on himself because he is too focused on me/ us. I also feel that I cant heal when I am constantly reminded about his lies. I dont trust him. I dont want to let him go, but I feel if I dont, this will continue. I cant live like this and I need the separation. We both do (even though he wont admit it). I dont have a choice in how others now perceive him and our relationship. I dont feel like I have the option to even discuss it with my family. That is hurtful, but I know I cant change it. Only he can.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
I have not yet attended a face to face meeting. Working to find a time to work with my schedule. Now that the holidays are over and I have made the request for him to leave, I need to push myself to go. I have hesitated because of embarrassment, being afraid, and various other reasons. Its time, I know. I have gone and found the online group and have attended a few. Theyve been a little helpful and super convenient, but Ive found these online forums to be the most beneficial to me at this point.
I really cant remember the last time that I truly did something just for me. Once in a while, for very short time frames (a quick run with my friend 30 mins or to go get my nails or hair done). Again, something that Im working on changing.
The relationship with my boyfriend, at this point, is causing me misery. I cant live the way we have for the last year any longer. I need a change. My inability to talk to my family about what is truly going on is also something that causes pain and stress in my life. I should not have to feel embarrassed or feel shame about what he has done or my lack of action to get myself in a better place emotionally.
Do I feel like if he behaved differently, I would be happy? Not sure at this point. The thing is, right now, its not even just his drinking that has affected me. His behaviors when he is sober are not much different. He still doesnt do hardly anything around the house or make an effort to go out and experience life with me. I think if he was sober and made the effort naturally, not doing things JUST to please me, then possibly I would be happy in the relationship. But thats not my call. Never was.
Sorry about the long post. I guess I had a few things to get off my chest. Thanks for reading.
Akh1975 said
Jan 19, 2016
This is my first time joining Alanon, or starting to work on step work. Will you please give me some advice on how to get started?
Akh1975 said
Jan 19, 2016
Reading your answers has really encouraged me but I just don't know how to get started.
hotrod said
Jan 20, 2016
Welcome AKH Alanon has face to face meetings in most communities with the hot line number listed in the white pages You could attend, connect with members and begin your recovery.
or if that is not possible
We also have on line meetings. Here is is the address and schedule
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Helpful anon books can be purchased on amazon they are:
Courage to Change
How alanon works
After you are comfortable with the program, the principles and tools you can come here and read and respond to the steps as a way to start to understand yourself a little better
It is a process
Here are some alanon slogans in a poem
Slogans in a Poem by Coach Papa
First Things First - I have heard it said - Be Honest With yourself, - get out of your head - You can Feel Good -About Saying "No" - Keep Coming Back to - Talk And Grow - Easy Does It - sounds real nice - If you Keep It Simple - you don't roll the dice - Live And Let Live - Brings it back to you - They're in recovery, - you are, too - What's to Be will Be - So, Let Go & Let God - Just wait and see - That one Day At A Time - Is more than a phrase - In Al-Anon, - it's the phrase that pays - Think! Listen And Learn - or watch bridges burn - Keep An Open Mind, - Now it's your turn - Is your serenity worth it - Just, Fake It 'Till You Make It! - I am pretty sure, You can - Cause, How - important is it? - In time, you will understand - It's true, we're all different, - But, together we can make it - If you feel that you can't, - Then, once again, fake it - When you let it begin with me - The fog will raise, - the sun will shine - Your eyes will see - Slogans are there - For you to use - Say one every day - So you don't sing the blues - It works when you work it - We say and it's true - We're all here to help - But your recovery is up to you.
Keep coming back
kj said
Jan 20, 2016
So I actually attended my first face to face meeting last night. It was a very small group. I was a little emotional, so chose not to speak or share my story with anyone. I don't know what/if I got anything much out of the discussion, but it was comforting to hear others' stories. The comfort factor/knowing I'm not alone is the catalyst that will drive me to try additional meetings to see if this is something that will help. I was told there is another meeting Thursday night at another location close to me. I may try that out, too.
hotrod said
Jan 20, 2016
Hi KJ your reaction to your first meeting was understandable Please keep coming back. FYI This is a step Board and only members working the steps visit .
We have an alanon Message Board here where you can post and receive support from many alanon members Here is the web address: http://alanon.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42727 You will need to re register to post there
kj said
Jan 20, 2016
Thank you... I did post my response to your questions yesterday to begin working the steps about 4-5 posts above this one. Please see above.
-- Edited by kj on Wednesday 20th of January 2016 05:46:29 PM
hotrod said
Jan 20, 2016
Great work KJ you are on your way
Enigmatic said
Jan 23, 2016
@mrsp - Excellent. I think you will find it very valuable. Keep up the good work!
@AKH - Welcome! Betty made some great recommendations. I'm fairly new in the program so can still clearly remember how I felt as a newbie: mentally taxed and looking for answers while trying to comprehend and digest totally foreign concepts...challenging!
I read everything from AlAnon I could get my hands on, including the readers every day (Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in AlAnon, Hope for Today), and it was an incredible help and provided some simple but very effective tools to use for my situation. A saying that helps me is: Progress, not Perfection...just do what you can as you understand it today, so much better than waiting to get it "right"! Glad you're here!
@ kj - No need to apologize for long shares (says someone who has put out a few Taking the time to dig down to underlying thoughts and feelings is very important and helpful in the recovery process, especially when reinforced with healthy perspectives and concepts of the program.
Congratulations on attending your first F2F meeting, that's great! I was a little nervous before mine, but there are so many lessons to be learned from them. Thank you for sharing your experience and your thorough work on step 1, keep coming back!
KathyRN said
Jan 26, 2016
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Yes. I was under the false assumption that since I paid for everything and fixed all of her issues, that she should take my advice and do what I wanted her to do. My AD
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
Yes, it seems the more I try, the more she resisted.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? My alcoholic adult daughter and MY poor choices, i.e. Helping her, always giving her money, etc....
Whom do you feel victimized by? My daughter
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
Same answer.....my daughter
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
I have many. The main thing is facing that my husband has died. I have been forced to apply for disability and my life long career as a nurse has ended , but I'm still fighting to get well enough to supplement my disability with a nursing job. I also have a home, that due to my years of working with chronic pain, and then my husband's illness, and death, has become rooms with boxes upon boxes of things that need gone through. Some days I don't even have the energy to do the dishes. Maybe if I stopped giving all of my money to my daughter, I could afford help with this. Maybe not.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? Answered above
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? I would have to face all of the things I mentioned above and try to reconcile my life with them.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability? My career, my home, being lonely.
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? Emotions--I'm very slowly attempting to take control of my emotions by studying self actualization and meditating. Finances---Nothing has gone as planned. My disability has not been approved yet, and I'm having to use the principle of our investments instead of living off of the interest, as my husband intended. And I've been giving a lot of that away by paying my daughters bills, while she's perfectly able to work. Spirituality---I pray to HP, but haven't had the energy to attend church. Physical Health---has declined instead of improved because all of my energy has been focused on her and her drama
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment? I take a Tia Chi class which is supposed to be weekly, but I usually only make it to one every 2-3 weeks. Occasionally I attend functions with friends or family but rarely. 5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. I have support from my family and friends but they urge me to take care of me first and to stop giving money to AD
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated? I have good support from family & friends but there are times that I do feel isolated.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? No. my mind is in turmoil a lot but I'm beginning to learn how to calm it
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? AD and myself for allowing it
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships? N/A
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? Giving money to, and fixing/paying for AD poor choices
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? Tough Love by cutting her off financially and stop fixing her problems. I actually do want to do this but I so just want her to do it on her own.
In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? I did feel this way about my life but I'm learning that I don't have to let her run and dictate my life.
Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it? Every time I say something to her, she doesn't pay attention anyway
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?i don't think there was one incident. I think it all just got to be too much for me and I couldn't take it anymore.
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Who or what are you most Worried about? I'm most worried about my grandkids and how they're going to turn out. Then my daughter, then my son
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? I cant remember
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? My AD if she'd just grow up and take responsibility
hotrod said
Jan 26, 2016
Dear Kathy Thank you for sharing your thoughts on Step One with such humility, honesty and clarity. Writing out the response to the Step questions certainly helped me to solidify, in my mind,the absolute truth of Step 1. This enabled me to go forward to Step 2. We will be posting that in about a week.
Keep on keeping on you are on your way
KathyRN said
Jan 27, 2016
Thank you for the encouraging words, Betty! I, too, have ordered the book, "The Courage to change". It should be here tomorrow and I was surprised, and happy, to see it mentioned here
Pearlgirl said
Jan 31, 2016
This morning I logged onto (or so I thought!)the stepwork board and meticulously went through step one.. much to my disappointment everything I wrote was lost as I had logged onto the message board and not this forum.
I did feel surprisingly free after writing everything down (following the guidelines suggested), boy did that unearth some stuff! However I was hoping for some feedback (impossible if no-one can see it!) and right now I'm feeling disinclined to have to rewrite it all out again..
Hopefully I'll summon the motivation, thanks for everyone who has shared their first step so far.
hotrod said
Jan 31, 2016
Sorry that you experienced the loss of your posting Pearl Girl. You are correct-- writing out responses does help so all was not lost .
I have had the same problem so that if I am writing a long response, I generally write it as a Word document on my laptop and then copy it over on to the Message Board-- this keeps the disappearing post from being lost.
Look forward to sharing the journey.
Lesley said
Feb 20, 2016
Hi. I'm Lesley.
I'm joining a bit late because I've been so busy trying to manage my life that I haven't been able to take the time to post. I love this forum and have been waiting to start Step 1.
I have been a member of Al-Anon for just over 1 year and am kind of stuck. I want to work the steps - this will be my first time through - so I find myself here. Thanks for making this available to me. :)
Step 1 Questions
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
I am always trying to exert my power and my influence on almost everyone in my life. My parents, my siblings, my recently ex boyfriend and as I have come to learn, I have not power or influence on anyone. And really, what makes me feel I should have any? My ego is huge - for example I am currently wearing a t-shirt that says Me? Wrong? Never! In my head I know I am not God and only my H.P. has any power or influence, but my heart doesn't yet get it.
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
I find that I am more controlling if I get scared or if I am afraid I won't get my own way. And yeah, I try and try to make people see things my way and to make things work out the way I think they should - it drives people away because they hate being controlled. I hate being controlled, why do I think it would be any different for anyone else? Even though I know this about myself, I'm not practiced enough yet to realize it when it's happening.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
My ex boyfriend has been reunited with his birth mother after 57 years. It's a miracle but, he decided that I was in the way and tossed me to the side like some garbage on the side of the highway. I am devastated since we were discussing marriage after a 6 year relationship, and it's making me a bit crazy. However, I recognize my craziness and try to calm myself by crying to anyone who will listen. I'm fed up with trying to make things work out by myself and find myself turning to my H.P. on a more regular basis.
Whom do you feel victimized by?
Same situation - I am a victim every time I get hurt by another person and I have been carrying all this anger and self-pity around with me. I would like to just hand it over to my H.P. but again, I'm not used to having someone around and I'm just learning about faith.
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
I think my current situation is controlling my emotions. I also feel I have no control over my emotions, they escalate quickly until I've stormed around or cried. Afterward I not only feel terrible, but now I can add shame and embarrassment to the other negative emotions. It's a terrible dance.
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
I am currently avoiding some bills and other financial things I need to face. It's not out of control yet but knowing myself like I do, I feel it could spiral rather quickly. And now that I am on my own again, I haven't crunched the numbers, I'm still acting like I am half of a 2 income household. By avoiding my financial responsibilities, I can avoid the reality that is my new single life. I hate being alone.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
I have never asked myself this question. If I stopped trying to control others then I would be forced to look at my own self. Scary that.
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
If I stopped allowing someone to control me, then again, I would have to step up and handle things on my own. My father is very controlling and currently has a grip on my life decisions. I'm letting him do it because I don't feel I can handle things as well as he can...in fact, he tells me that himself so it must be true...NOT! I feel that the future will hold some very different things for me but I'm not yet ready to face life on life's terms.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
Finances and my lost relationship. Things at my job are changing too, so I have no way of managing any of it. I would like to learn to let it all go and give it to my H.P.
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?
1. emotions - lately my emotions have been all over the place because of my recent break up. That being said, I usually have a handle on them - I use the deep breathing method whenever I can.
2. Finances - they are a bit out of control. I have some bills to pay and the money to do so but something is stopping me - I am stopping myself and am my own worst enemy in this area. I would rather pay someone to handle them for me but can't find a sucker to sign on with.
3. Spirituality - I have been on quite the spiritual journey the past few years but could work harder at my conscious contact with my H.P. I have a reminder taped to my bathroom mirror which says "Good morning, this is God. I will be handling your problems today and I don't need your help. Have a nice day, Love God. It's a great visual reminder to Let Go and Let God - even though I'm not very good at it yet.
4. Physical Health - my health is pretty good, I could lose 30 pounds but am dog sitting a year old lab who gets me walking 2-3 times a day - I feel myself getting stronger and leaner daily.
5. Career - My job is going well even though there are some changes coming. I am a bookkeeper so don't have any fear of not being able to find work if my current situation falters.
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
I have just finished acting in a musical, I volunteer at the local food bank/soup kitchen and I love to read, watch hockey, visit with my grown kids. I'm an avid reader and play a lot of online games. I also love my friends and get together with them as often as I can.
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
My current state of relationships with my family have never been better. I have started calmly telling them how I feel about the way they treat me and I think I'm gaining more and more respect. We were astranged for a while but are now healing and communicating again.
My friends are great - I see them often and we have fun at plays, shopping and just talking over coffee.
My co-workers are ok, my favorite one is retiring so I'm a bit sad but the other is young, new and keen so that's all good. There are only 3 of us in the office so it's not hard to get along.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
I do have relationships and funny thing, I was feeling more alone and isolated at the end of my 6 year stint with my guy than I do now. I am trying to reach out daily to someone and it's working pretty well.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
Clear, yes mostly, consistent no, it never has. I'm consistently fighting to be consistent it seems and I feel mostly mis-understood by my family. I would say I'm the black sheep.
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
I am holding my ex responsible for some of my emotions although it's getting easier to manage them. My finances are all my own doing and my health is pretty good right now.
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
I hold myself responsible for the state of my relationships. I realize I can be hard to get along with sometimes and I feel I'm not taken that seriously at times. It's changing, slowing, but I'm learning to state my case respectfully. I feel I can be kinder and more thoughtful and I'm working at being less self-absorbed.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
I am currently practicing letting go. I am making a choice to be happy and to let out the anger and pain of past hurts to let in joy and happiness. It's a slow process but I'm trying my best.
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
I currently feel I don't have many choices or options in my living situation or my financial one. I tied myself financially into my ex and he has been pulling the rug out from under me over the past few weeks. It's calmer now, but I've had to go to my dad again for a bail out. I'm not impressed and want to make changes.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
My love of alcoholics has led me to a Twelve Step group. My ex-husband is one, my ex-boyfriend is one and my daughter is one. Two of three are actively drinking and I refuse to lose my daughter to alcohol like I've lost her father and my boyfriend. I feel I can help them understand their problems or fix them, I want to learn to accept it and love them anyway.
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
My control issues have been plaguing me. I personally don't think it ended my recent relationship, but he does. I guess he couldn't find anything else wrong with me so he keeps using my "control" issues to run away, I have them, I realize that, and I want to learn to let them go.
Who or what are you most Worried about?
I am most worried about my emotional health and the fact that I feel I have to keep people at arm's length. I feel I keep pushing them away when all I am trying to do is be honest and speak up about how I feel. People don't seem to like honesty and I don't like people who are unable to be authentic.
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?
I had an amazing sleep last night - the stress is lessening and I have been having great dreams. I am also walking with my borrowed dog, this seems to be helping a lot.
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
My ex boyfriend is causing me misery. I feel that if he would just see how he punishes women and leaves all this junk for them to clean up after he walks away without a backwards glance, that I would be not so much happier but I would feel vindicated. I hate that I can't just yell at him and make him see how much he's hurt me. I need people to see things my way and they rarely do. And that's why I'm in Al Anon - I want to learn to let all that go.
crau said
Feb 22, 2016
This was great for me to do today, I am very new to Al-Anon and really am feeling unmanagable in so many areas of my life. Writing things down and working through this step was helpful today.
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
Yes, this past week, I tried to convince the alcoholic in my life that I was the person he needed in his life to have a successful recovery. When today, I recognize-it is him that needs to be present in his life to have a successful recovery.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Whom do you feel victimized by?
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
Honestly, I am making me feel crazy and causing myself stress. I feel victimized by my ex boyfriend (alchohlic), the other woman had an affair with, and his family.
Right now, I feel like I am controling my emotions and I feel like my emotions are controling all the other areas of my life; and not in a good way.
I'm avoiding interacting with close friends to tell the how I am really doing. I am avoiding accepting the reality that my ex and I ended things; mutually. I'm avoiding facing the reality of the boundaries I am trying to hold of no contact with my ex, taking my ex out of mine and my dogs life so that he and I can both be healthy on our own.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I would have to face the fact that I can't fix everything, that no matter what I do, I can't control anything. I would have to relinquish control and that is scary. I would have to put myself first.
If I stopped allowing others actions to control my thoughts and actions, I might feel free to be happy and it's difficult to remember the last time I felt that feeling.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
My work life is unmanagable; my emotions are consuming my brain and not allowing me to focus on tasks I need to accomplish at work.
Emotions: I'm all over the place, one moment I'm angry, the next I'm crying, the next I have anger at something that isn't even my problem and some times I smile. I don't know what emotion will surface when.
Finance: Out of control; unmanageble, I can barely make ends meet.
Spirtuality: I don't know; I haven't connected with a higher power in a long time and losing site that things are happening for a reason.
Physical Health: I've lost 30 lbs (great!) mostly from anxiety of my relationship with my ex. I am sleeping ok, starting to eat more of a healthy diet again.
Fun: went to a friend's party last night and met new people, playing with my dog, learned to crochet, watch TV, play brainless games on my phone,
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
Family: Good-can call on them for anything-very supportive
Friends: I've disengaged from a few of my friends as of late due not feeling supported and embarrassed to tell them about what has happened in my life as a result of staying in a relationship with an alcholic.
Co-Workers: Great-these are the people that have now become my closest friends.
Since ending things with my ex, it is difficult due to the fact that he has been my best friend and someone I confide in--removing that piece from my life is making me feel isolated and alone, although I felt those things these past few years while dating him.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
No, my mind feels like tangled up spaghetti.
I am holding myself responsible for my emotions and my health. I still blame my ex for some of my financial hardship because he did not fulfill his half of lease leaving me to have burden on the entire rent.
I hold myself responsible for the state of my relationships, although since my ex cheated on me, I do hold him and her responsible for much of the turmoil that was caused this past year in our relationship because it.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
I feel resentful about making a choice to have my ex move out so quickly, acting out of emotion rather than logic. I felt like I had to let the relationship go in order for me to be healthy, but I didn't want to and still don't know if I do. I feel like I had no choice but to end the relationship because the other option was to continue to live in chaos. I am trapping myself right now; a week ago I felt like he was trapping me, his family was trapping me and the other woman was trapping me.
I want to talk to his mom right now; a person I feel the closest to in life and a woman that without warning cut off contact with me while he was in treatment. We were very close friends through 11 years of my relationship-even hanging out when her son and I were broken up. I don't feel like I can say anything to her because that's crossing a boundary now that we are broken up and I also don't have an handle on my emotions to even begin to have a conversation with her.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
My ex boyfriend and I had an 11 year on and off relationship. His addiction ran in for the past 5 years. After an intervention and him going into treatment, I started going to Al-Anon meeting on recommendation of his treatment team, the interventionist and a good friend that also attends.
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Who or what are you most Worried about?
I am most worried about myself right now because I feel unhealthy and don't recongize who I am anymore. I am worried that I making a bad choice for severing ties completely and closing the door to my ex and I ever reconnecting. I am worried that if I don't do that and leave the door open, then I won't ever be able to find who I am.
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? a month ago, before that, I don't know.
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? My ex, if only he could work his recovery, take the other woman out of his life, etc, then I would feel content.
But right now, me, if only I could stop perseverating on the things I can't control, I would find serenty and peace.
hotrod said
Feb 25, 2016
Hi Lesley ,Thanks for connecting and providing us with your powerful ESH.
Great honest and insightful post Crau. Thanks for sharing the journey
Please do keep coming back as I am happy that you are both here.
Overcomer said
Mar 13, 2016
Step 1 Questions
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
This is not the first time I've done a Step One, but at this point in my life (for which I'm doing this step), I'd say I am not trying to control someone, for maybe the first time in my life.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Whom do you feel victimized by?
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
The answer to #2 is probably my 18 year old daughter. She is not an addict or alcoholic, just a normal 18 year old. I really have a lot to be thankful for here, but sometimes I forget that and relapse, not into trying to 'fix' her, because she doesn't need to be fixed, she just needs to be allowed to live her life. The problem is she WANTS me to fix things for her, and my job is to say NO. She must learn to do things on her own, with as little guidance from me as possible. So that is what I'm working on today.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I might have to face the fact that my daughter can do things for herself, and does not need me as much as she thinks she does.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
One of the areas in my life right now that reflects unmanageability is my job, or more aptly put... my lack of one. My fiances at the moment are ok, because we just sold a home and relocated to a smaller dwelling, but that extra money will not last forever. My emotions are all over the place, due to my mom passing away last May from a long fight with Alzheimer's. She lived with my daughter and I, so my physical health, while good... is not the best, and needs some improvement. For Fun right now, I go to the beach, as we just recently moved to the Myrtle Beach area.
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
While I am alone, and somewhat isolated, I don't feel that way. I've made new friends at a church that I've been attending and I have one friend in the area, that is a result of an Alzheimer's Support group that I started on-line. I've introduced myself to several of my neighbors in the trailer park where I live, and I visit with them often.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
This is a good question to ask... I'm not sure my mind is always clear and consistent, but I don't hold anyone responsible for my emotions, finances or health problems but me. Same goes for relationships.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
I think the clear and resounding answer here is my daughter. I feel like I have no choices when she is concerned, but I know in reality I do, I just don't want to say something to her about it. Actually I have talked to her about how I feel, and it seems to be acknowledged and then she just keeps on doing it anyway. I need to learn to stick to my boundaries with her.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Who or what are you most Worried about?
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
The most recent issue has been my daughter, and I am the most worried about her. I am not sure the last time I did something loving for myself, maybe a bubble bath? I think I'll take one as soon as I get through with this step. It's been awhile. Again, the last question would have to be my daughter. She is going to school in Myrtle Beach, to a tech school and we moved here so I could live with her, so she could be close to her boyfriend, who actually lives in Charlotte, NC but they are planning a wedding in December and I wanted to be closer than Missouri (where I moved from) when they started having a family. They have been long distance dating for two years now, so I'm pretty sure this is a done deal. I also wanted a new start when my mom died, last May; so this move isn't JUST for my daughter, but for myself too. I do want to learn (or relearn) how to behave differently with her, as I see my old enabling habits creeping back into my relationship with her, even though she is not an alcoholic, or addict. I am choosing to "Practice these principles in all my affairs." My relationship with my alcoholic is actually going very well right now.
thompfam said
Mar 13, 2016
Hi, I am fairly new to Alanon. I have been attending the online meetings for about 3 months now. After listening to members share I have been in aw of the strengths, experiences, and hope I hear from them.....and well I want some of that for myself. I got on this step board about a month ago and have been trying to answer the questions to step one. I copied and saved them to my desktop and have gone back and forth answering them. I have to admit I had a really hard time with many of them. I would sort of stew over some of them wondering why do I need to answer this....I am not the one with the problem here!!!! But, low and behold I do have a problem and it's me. Someone shared something with me and it was a head slap moment. I realized then that something that seems so simple to do is actually the hardest when faced with doing it myself and for myself. Letting go of things you don't have control over is very humbling and admitting it even more so.
Step One: We Admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable
Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? The answer to this question is..yes
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results? Yes, I haveI think by me trying to help was actually me trying to control. Its is very difficult to know how to deal with this disease. but from a parents perspective its instinct to want to do all you can to protect/rescue .this has been my struggle
Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Initially I would have to say my daughter (who is my qualifier).but also just the day to day demands of being a wife, mother, my job, all the demands of running a household and just having to be responsible for everything and everybody
Whom do you feel victimized by?
My daughter.I am a victim to her lies, broken promises, being untrustworthy, stealing my things etc. She has broken my heart.but I do and always will love her so much.it totally sucks!
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
My answer is to the some other area of your life? and that is my family I have created expectors (people who expect me to do for them.LOL) by always being the doer and giver. I dont want to do it anymore but now its kind of just expected so then I feel guilty if when I am not doing and giving
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
Guilt, thats why I keep doing. Anger, because I dont like the decisions my daughter is making. Sadness, because all the mother and daughter bonding things that I have missed and scared that I may never get to experience them.
What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? I might be able to find some peace and serenity. I might learn about me likes, dislikes, what brings me happiness and tools to deal with sadness
What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability?
My weight....urg! Taking care of myself
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, and career?
Currently just for today my emotions are in check. Finances are fair. Spiritually is where I go for strength and dependence. Physical health is a work in progress.just started a diet. Career is stable but not fulfilling
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
Attend online meetings, watch TV and have currently been searching for a vacation spot for the fall
What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
I have a wonderful relationship with my 2 sisters they are my best friends. Co-workers are okay again not fulfilling. I feel very isolated from my daughter. I wish I knew where she was and if she was okay.
Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
No, I am mostly all over the place still learning and trying to be patient in the process. I want to be better and expect instant results
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
Myself
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
Again.myself
What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
Just letting it get out of hand. It only makes it harder to get control over
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
I want to say some things to my daughter and dont feel like I can because I dont want to turn her further away. I havent talked to her in three weeks now and I want to reach out but it would nice to know that she wants to reach out to me too. What did I do wrong..why did she run away from me when I should have been the one running. I feel bad for feeling this way but it really pisses me off that she can just go without even looking back. I just pray that she is getting her crap together. Dang-It!
What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
When we took our daughter back to rehab for the third time and I thought I was going crazy from worrying, and stressing if it was going to work this time. Feeling guilty that her decease had gotten so bad and the length she would go to get it.
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Impatience with myself
Who or what are you most worried about?
My daughter
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?
Honestly.I dont know
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery?
Yes
Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
Yes
Suzanne
-- Edited by thompfam on Sunday 13th of March 2016 05:49:37 PM
hotrod said
Mar 13, 2016
Welcome Suzanne and Overcomer , I appreciate both of your participation and honesty The Steps are powerful tools in my recovery basket, so please keep coming back and sharing the journey.
DC2017 said
Mar 24, 2016
-- Edited by DC2017 on Thursday 24th of March 2016 07:13:07 AM
DC2017 said
Mar 24, 2016
Hi, I'm new here and I'm so grateful to be here.
I've been to many meetings but avoided the steps because I thought I knew it all. I dont.
By step 4 I'll get an in person sponsor but I'd like to do three here and attend the online meetings.
Step One.
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
YES I HAVE. My boyfriend. And my sister.
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
With my boyfriend I was, and I realized it was a disaster. With my sister I used to and I have given up. He sort of replaced her.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
I feel crazy when I feel the trauma response kick in when I feel my boyfriend is untrustworthy or doesn't love me enough. I'm stressed with having to support my sister, and i'm extremely resentful.
Whom do you feel victimized by? My sister. My boyfriend. But really: I feel victimized by the lack of courage I've had to stick to my guns with my sister.
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
I just took healthy-feeling albeit somewhat scary space away from my boyfriend to heal, so I feel better now about that. My sister is def. weighing on my finances because I'm allowing it.
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding? The fact that I have to learn to trust men. The fact that my sister has to get her own job and now. The reality that I want my own home and family and feel trapped.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
This. What I'm doing right now here and in EMDR therapy.
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I would have more money and energy but I would feel scared that something would happen to my sister and her dog. Would they be homeless, would she find another alcoholic to date or You see, I never had such a low estimation and expectation of my sister but I do now after these last 4 years.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
My relationship with all it's trauma triggers. My finances the last six months. My mind.
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions- generally great if I avoid these two trigger people, finances- strained but I'm confident will open up because this is unusual and won't persist, spirituality- awesome, physical health- i haven't been able to maintain exercise, career- I've lost some focus and passion in the past 6 months but when I'm away from home it's all extraordinary.
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment? Not much.
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family- I only see my sister and while its improved it's a constant state of he saying shes victimized, friends- I don't see them enough/ or at all , co-workers- I work alone.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated? I actually love being alone, though I do have relationships.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Clear, very. Consistent? Not when I'm triggered. My relationship set off these trauma triggers big time. I've avoided relationships but I realize I needed to challenge that behavior. Hes a wonderful man and doesn't deserve to be controlled or nitpicked or criticized.
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? ME. Which is why I'm here.
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships? ME. Which is why I'm here.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
Supporting my sister.
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to?
Stop doing it, even though she's working for me.
In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options?
I feel I have no option but to do this.
Who or what is trapping you? My sister. I've told her. She doesn't take it seriously. I feel if I'm more forecful she'll spiral out of control. And she lives with me so regardless I have to pay the rent of I'll be evicted. I'm determined to be free of this "burden" feeling in a positive way.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
Big impasse with boyfriend, majorly stressed with sister I'm very successful and feel no joy consistently from what I've created in the last 4 or 5 months.
I'm most worried about my sister.
I do immense amounts of self-loving stuff, but I'm deeply committed to this as a major act of self-love.
Thank you. I see that I have
hotrod said
Mar 24, 2016
Dear Dana, Thank you for sharing with such an honest heart. Your clarity and wisdom are shining through That is how program works. Keep coming back.
jocelgp said
Apr 2, 2016
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
I used to, but when I learned from Al-anon about the nature of alcoholism I have "surrendered"
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Whom do you feel victimized by?
By my husband's binge drinking
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
My fear that one of this days my husband will have another long drink
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
That one of this days my husband will again insist/manipulate to get my permission for him to go out to drink with his friends.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I have already told him that the decision is his not mine, the only thing I'm requesting is for him not to sleep in our bedroom when he goes home very very late because that situation causes me a feeling which I could not control that would lead to quarrel and I wouldn't like that to happen again. I keep my cool but it really irritates me why he wants me to accept and be convinced that drinking with friends is okay because it's not everyday. He denies being a binge drinker. I used to tell him that but I no longer argue with him over the issue because it's futile. My concern now is not him drinking but how to avoid and protect myself from bad fights when he drinks.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
I have some fear that when I do something for myself (fun, pleasure, enjoyment) he will use this to make me guilty that I am having the best in my life while he is miserable because he could not do what will make him happy, that is drinking with his friends. Or, he will make me guilty if I refuse to go out with him for a walk in the mall, honestly sometimes I don't really feel like it because I feel it's a manipulation so I have to give back to him. I'm working on this by reminding myself that I do not necessarily need to give back when I accept something which I think was freely given.
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
I work from home so I have virtual co-workers. I also ran my small bakery so my relationship with my co-workers is not really intimate as with friends. My college friends live very far from me, and I don't have friends in the community because I don't go out much. I would say that my family of origin are the closest since my husband and I was not blessed with a child. My husband and I lives with my 83 year old mother. I see my only sister at least once a year but we do call each other from time to time. I have 2 brothers. I would say my family is closely knit.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
Upon coming to Al-anon my perspective of life has become better.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
I would say that I feel a lot better now. I believe my husband and I has not reached a "real" understanding of each other. I believe I have established my options and choices, I am praying daily for strength, guidance and wisdom from God to follow His will.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Who or what are you most Worried about?
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
I ran tired, weary and exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions, of the fights and the make-ups, of the joy and the anger, of the hopes and frustrations. I just wanted to have peace. As of now I would say that I have found myself, some serenity in my life. Perhaps if my husband will no longer insist that I accept and be happy with his drinking, then it will lessen the irritants. I have already told him that if he is not happy living with me then he is free to make his choice. I don't know what life will be ahead, what the future holds for me but I'm glad to know and I hang on to faith that God is holding me now and forever.
Jocel
hotrod said
Apr 2, 2016
Hello Jocel Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts aon this important Step. I appreciate your honestyand wisdom Please do keep coming back.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
Step one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives were unmanageable.
The we part escaped me for a long time. We simply did not exist in my vocabulary. I was determined that I was going to beat this back on my own. My life did become unmanageable day by day and it was not until I was simply exhausted and beat down myself that I considered even asking for any kind of help. I for some reason viewed asking for help and admitting powerlessness as weak yet was more then happy to help others. I tried very hard to portray that everything was fine on the outside but it wasn't. People would ask me if I was ok but I chose to deny and hide my turmoil even though clearly something was wrong as I was beginning to isolate, and the stress of being a lone soldier resulted in weight loss, sleeplessness which affected my physical appearance. I did not want to have an unmanageable life....I did not want to be powerless and again and again I wrestled with these concepts and I am finally beginning to accept them. Powerless does not mean helpless. Powerless is actually very freeing to me. I can quit trying to scale that brick wall again and again and use my power in my own life. So simple when you finally accept and get it but for me a huge struggle.
Questions:1. Have you been trying to exert power and influence where you may in reality have none? Yes! over and over again Because I was dealing with my adult child, I felt it was my job to get her on the "right path" I could not understand how all of the love and caring, morals and values I had installed in her could be thrown out the window. I stated that I knew it was a disease but yet I really did not understand it as clearly as I thought I did based on my response to it.
2. Who do you feel is controlling you and causing you stress? For a long time I have felt like my childs life was controlling mine. My very existence became emeshed with her well being and she was the first thing I thought of when I opened my eyes and the last thing I thought of before going to sleep. Her life, well being, happiness, career, is all I could think about and when she wasn't doing well I was doing even worse. My relationships with other people have suffered because of this.
3. What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? I would have to focus on me. I would have to examine my own life and flaws. I would have to give up control!
4. What are some areas in your life that currently reflect unmanageability? I had given up my job as unable to cope with the stress and this gave me more time to focus on fixing my child. Spiritually I felt empty with no real connection to anything. I was simply going through the motions of day to day life. My physical health suffered a great deal and in my twisted thinking I remember believing she was going to see all of the impact her behaviour was having on me and this was going to make her stop! Now, I am trying to put myself first and for fun and enjoyment I go to yoga, walk, meditate, get massages, meet with friends for coffee, and read.
5. What are the current state of your relationships with family/friends? My relationships have suffered dramatically. I was unable to be present in them and used up all of my energy and resources trying to save my daughter. I am beginning to re-connect with those that matter to me. I do feel guilty for neglecting them.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? My mind is starting to come out of the fog. It is like I have been underwater for a long time and now I can begin to get a little bit of air. I am holding myself responsible for my health, emotions and the state of my relationships and have some damage to repair.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? I feel resentful sometimes about the financial impact this has had on my life. I have worked very hard to be in a good financial situation in order to try and retire early but now that may be delayed due to having chased this disease around cleaning up messes. I feel resentful that everyone comes to me to fix their problems and then I feel trapped and ineffective when I don't have the solution. Again because it was my child I felt it was my responsibility and obligation to cure her.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a twelve step group. My child going into treatment and me attending a family program where I had the opportunity to be vulnerable and focus on myself and really accept that it is ok to ask for help and not try to do it all alone. In fact it is impossible to do it alone. I have just very recently surrendered to attending face to face meetings. That has been incredibly challenging and humbling for me!!
-- Edited by serenity47 on Saturday 16th of January 2016 05:04:56 AM
Step one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives were unmanageable.
I am so glad we are back to step one... I honestly cannot get past the first 3 steps.. Ive yet to have a sponsor and sometimes I think I am trying to hard to get this and know clearly it is one day at a time. I stuggle with being powerless over anything....however my life is a little better than unmanageable ..better than it had been anyway. I can put a smile on my face and fake it till I make it for only so long, and then I feel myself slipping. So I do what I can to get back up. We had a nice change for a week...but then things turned for the worse again and all I could do was throw my hands up in the air and surrender to step one again.
I dont even know if I am doing this right...but I do the best I can.
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Unfortunatly yes, I do this all the time but not just to my A...to everyone and everything. I just dont know how sometimes to step back and let someone else take over.
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
Again, unfortunatly yes! I have been trying to presued my mother in law to come stay with us as she is getting weaker and weaker, and constantly calling and needing things...it would just be so much easier for her to come here...she only lives 20 min away but AH is usually in no condition to go to her. Am I being selfish?
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
My husband and my mother in law. I lose hope for husband because he is so up and down...doing well for few days then downhill for a few weeks...it doesnt even have balance. and that drives me crazy....and stressed out.... and MIL with her needs...I mean we owe her so much she has always been there when we needed her...she is very generous but also very controling. very stressful....again i feel as if im being selfish.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
If I had to completly stop controlling I fear things could get worse. I refuse to let AH drive when he is drunk on whiskey and he will usually stay...but I cannot stop him when he is drunk on beer.. If I push MIL too hard she may start ignoring me all together, I have seen her do this to other people and then tell lies about them...she is a compulsive liar...sorry to say. If I let her stop controlling us there is no telling what she will do...honestly I dont care what she says about me...please dont get me wrong I love both my husband and MIL very much...but sometimes enough is enough.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect on manageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
My emotions are up and down..depending on where I am what day it is and how i feel or if im in physical pain at the time. finances suck..ha! I am currently not working and he draws a small ss check each month. spirituality has gotten much better for me through all of this. if it were not for HP and Alanon i have no idea where I would be today. Physical health has been so so lately I have a lot of back, neck and hip problems..I believe its my sciatica nerve. As far as a career I am working on that with the grooming sessions...I wish I could finish so I can start my business. Fun and pleasure is grooming lately....for a while there I was going to lunch with several of my friends from work but we halted because of the holidays...and well I can only charge so much on my credit cards....so thats at a hault....
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
I guess I kind of answered that in the last question. The only time i feel aone is when Ah is drinking and we just dont speak anymore because I have learned it doesnt work and usualy ends in a major argument.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
Well this too I have learned there is no one to blame but myself for my emotions, finances and health. As far as the relationship goes with AH it is a 2 way street...I am doing the best I can to do my part ...nothing has changed with him.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
Ha! even here I dont want to say it...
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
Most people know my story...I didnt realize how bad things were until my sister passed away in July and I had no support from my AH. I didnt realize how awful that is for someone to not have their spouse supporting them and then him turning around saying i feel so alone while he drank for the whole thing.....anyway..the past is the past...but thats the jest of how i started the 12 steps.
I am equally worried about my husband and mil. I do what i can when I can to do something for myself...thats the new me, where I never did anything for myself in the past..... and last but not lease YES I do feel I would be happy or happier if he would behave differently...we experienced it for a week of sobriety, and then a week of just one beer a day...those were good weeks....but then he hit the whiskey...and I was at my wits end.....he was very ill that night... and I did share about it in the pm mip meeting
Keep on trusting the tools and keep coming back. You are worth it.
Dont know where to begin . Totally new. I have been following group chat for a week or so and did share some the last few days. I have literature on the 12 steps and the net also is very informative. Do I start with step one or is a sponsor recommended first.. As I said I have been reading everything in sight but not sure the proper and most beneficial agenda. Need a direction.
You can certainly jump on here,read the postings and attempt to answer the questions honestly. The first 3 Steps are direct and do not ask that we go inward to search out our own disconnects and issues. A sponsor is very useful in the self reflective Steps from 4 to 10 . We each attempt to work the program as we are able so if you feel like responding here please do so.
Betty
You mentioned having literature and perhaps already have it, but I just completed my first attempt at working through the steps, and I found the publication 'Paths to Recovery - Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts' (the source of some of the questions used on this board) very helpful in gaining perspective and seeing application on each of the steps.
I wish you well on your journey
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
In the past I have tried to control my AH. To influence. In many ways I felt the need to not only for his safety and good health but for my own. Controling , for what ever reason became a full time job that I began to resent and hate. After so many years the apathy took over. After a childhood of dealing with an abusive A father I had promised myself that once I began my own marriage it would never become a lifestyle. After 20 years of bliss, out of nowhere it became an issue again. During the next 20 years I guess I just plain got tired and decided I dont want the job of controlling ever again because controlling goes hand and hand with a lot of work and abuse and heartache and frustration . He can have that job.
-- Edited by mrsp on Monday 18th of January 2016 09:13:43 PM
Great response to Step 1 Cheryl I would suggest that you continue to remind yourself of this Step each day and then recite the serenity prayer each time you are tempted to control.
We will be moving to Step 2 in a week.
thanks for being there hotrod. You are dearly appreciated.
-- Edited by mrsp on Tuesday 19th of January 2016 04:03:01 AM
I am new to this program. I have been reading "How Al-Anon Works." It goes over the steps, traditions, etc. It's been very comforting to read some of the stories and ideas... it's like I'm reading about myself. I grew up with an alcoholic father, whom I don't speak to anymore. That relationship ended years ago. I swore that I would never allow that kind of behavior back into my life. Fast forward to three years ago when I met my "current" boyfriend, who is also an alcoholic. I didn't realize how bad it was until we moved in together about 1.5 years ago. Since living together, he's been to rehab (at my persistence), attended regular AA meetings, off and on, more intensely in the last 2 months or so. I have done all the begging, pleading, bargaining, given ultimatums that I didn't follow through on, you name it... nothing works.
So here I am, admitting to myself that I am powerless over alcohol and that this life has become unmanageable.
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
Clearly I have. At some point, I thought I had the ability, through my words or actions, to influence my boyfriends decision to drink or not. I have tried to control his behavior by limiting participation in certain events/outings, by making the above mentioned ultimatums, etc. I would go behind him, looking for proof of drinking - bottles, receipts, etc. The harder I tried the more I came to realize that he's a grown adult. He's going to do what he wants/chooses to do regardless of my behavior. Once coming to realize that, I have lessened my will to control, but not 100% - still working on this. However, after his binge this past weekend, I asked him to move out. I can't do it anymore. I have to take care of myself first. I can't do that if he's there in my face drinking. I've had enough. I know that al-anon recommends working the steps for 6 months before making any life decisions, but I believe this is the right move for me now (have been dealing with it since the beginning, but more so in the last year & a half). I can't keep on living like this and waiting for the next ball to drop. I can't keep allowing him to beg and plead, me give in to him, and then finding the lies. I do believe him when he says that he wants to quit drinking, but I believe he'll be more successful, as will I, if we get some separation. I believe that if we are truly meant to be together, after he's had some longer term sobriety, we will find each other again.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
My boyfriend is making me feel crazy and this is causing me stress. His insecurities. My inability to trust him. The worrying, wondering, what-iffing, hiding my craziness and stress from family, friends. My pretending that everything is okay all the time. It's stressful to keep up the charade and it is exhausting! I do feel that I've become a victim again. A victim of alcoholism. Another person affected deep down to my core that I just can't shake on my own. Alcoholism is controlling our lives. It has a strangle-hold on my boyfriend. And on me - the thoughts about whether or not he'll drink or stay sober permeates everything in my life. I avoid talking about it to my friends and family. I deny that he's still drinking - embarrassed to admit that I've continued to stay with him even though I have been miserable.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I would have to face being alone again (based on my request for him to leave). I feel okay about that though - gives me more of an opportunity to focus on my own needs and wants.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, and career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
The only real area that I feel is unmanageable right now is my home/personal life. My emotions are all over the place. I am unhappy. I am tired. I am lonelier when he is home than when he is not. I am angry at times. Angry at him for putting me in this position. And angry at myself for allowing him to be in my life. Angry that I can't control it. Sad that I can't control it. But I take comfort in knowing that I have a place to turn and there are others that have experienced this. I am happy to have found al-alon.
What am I doing for fun? That's kind of a joke most of the time. We don't go anywhere or do anything together. Even when he's not drinking, he's often asleep on the couch. I have, more recently, been making plans to do things without him. Why should I have to sit at home, doing nothing, while he's at his meetings or while he chooses to spend any time at home asleep!? I am working harder at making plans to go out and do things on my own, spend more time with family and friends, and just get out! I have felt so isolated... being with others helps.
5. What is your current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers? Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
I most of the time feel alone and isolated. I hesitate to even mention anything about my boyfriend to my family because of his past actions, they have nothing to say or if they do, it's almost always negative. That doesn't help me, so I keep it to myself. I don't have that many close friends and don't spend much time with the ones I do. I do have one friend who has experienced this before and she is a great listener and offers resources or helpful advice sometimes. She's the one I most often turn to when I just need to vent. I am working on this, too.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
I feel distracted most of the time. Its been hard for me to focus on the task at hand when alcoholism and my boyfriends struggle with it (and mine) are always running through the back of my mind. I find myself all over the place when Im working or when Im at home even trying to do anything. Although my mind is often consumed with these thoughts, I do realize that I am responsible for my own actions, my reactions to his behavior, and for the state of all of my current relationships with everyone I know. I have allowed these thoughts to consume me and it is up to me to refocus my thoughts and my own behaviors on myself and my needs. My happiness is dependent on me.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but dont want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you cant say it?
I feel resentful about allowing my boyfriend and his illness to control me and my life. I feel I have to let him go. I feel that he cannot focus on himself because he is too focused on me/ us. I also feel that I cant heal when I am constantly reminded about his lies. I dont trust him. I dont want to let him go, but I feel if I dont, this will continue. I cant live like this and I need the separation. We both do (even though he wont admit it). I dont have a choice in how others now perceive him and our relationship. I dont feel like I have the option to even discuss it with my family. That is hurtful, but I know I cant change it. Only he can.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
I have not yet attended a face to face meeting. Working to find a time to work with my schedule. Now that the holidays are over and I have made the request for him to leave, I need to push myself to go. I have hesitated because of embarrassment, being afraid, and various other reasons. Its time, I know. I have gone and found the online group and have attended a few. Theyve been a little helpful and super convenient, but Ive found these online forums to be the most beneficial to me at this point.
I really cant remember the last time that I truly did something just for me. Once in a while, for very short time frames (a quick run with my friend 30 mins or to go get my nails or hair done). Again, something that Im working on changing.
The relationship with my boyfriend, at this point, is causing me misery. I cant live the way we have for the last year any longer. I need a change. My inability to talk to my family about what is truly going on is also something that causes pain and stress in my life. I should not have to feel embarrassed or feel shame about what he has done or my lack of action to get myself in a better place emotionally.
Do I feel like if he behaved differently, I would be happy? Not sure at this point. The thing is, right now, its not even just his drinking that has affected me. His behaviors when he is sober are not much different. He still doesnt do hardly anything around the house or make an effort to go out and experience life with me. I think if he was sober and made the effort naturally, not doing things JUST to please me, then possibly I would be happy in the relationship. But thats not my call. Never was.
Sorry about the long post. I guess I had a few things to get off my chest. Thanks for reading.
This is my first time joining Alanon, or starting to work on step work. Will you please give me some advice on how to get started?
Reading your answers has really encouraged me but I just don't know how to get started.
or if that is not possible
We also have on line meetings. Here is is the address and schedule
www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Helpful anon books can be purchased on amazon they are:
Courage to Change
How alanon works
After you are comfortable with the program, the principles and tools you can come here and read and respond to the steps as a way to start to understand yourself a little better
It is a process
Here are some alanon slogans in a poem
Slogans in a Poem by Coach Papa
First Things First - I have heard it said - Be Honest With yourself, - get out of your head - You can Feel Good -About Saying "No" - Keep Coming Back to - Talk And Grow - Easy Does It - sounds real nice - If you Keep It Simple - you don't roll the dice - Live And Let Live - Brings it back to you - They're in recovery, - you are, too - What's to Be will Be - So, Let Go & Let God - Just wait and see - That one Day At A Time - Is more than a phrase - In Al-Anon, - it's the phrase that pays - Think! Listen And Learn - or watch bridges burn - Keep An Open Mind, - Now it's your turn - Is your serenity worth it - Just, Fake It 'Till You Make It! - I am pretty sure, You can - Cause, How - important is it? - In time, you will understand - It's true, we're all different, - But, together we can make it - If you feel that you can't, - Then, once again, fake it - When you let it begin with me - The fog will raise, - the sun will shine - Your eyes will see - Slogans are there - For you to use - Say one every day - So you don't sing the blues - It works when you work it - We say and it's true - We're all here to help - But your recovery is up to you.
Keep coming back
Hi KJ your reaction to your first meeting was understandable Please keep coming back. FYI This is a step Board and only members working the steps visit .
We have an alanon Message Board here where you can post and receive support from many alanon members
Here is the web address: http://alanon.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42727
You will need to re register to post there
Thank you... I did post my response to your questions yesterday to begin working the steps about 4-5 posts above this one. Please see above.
-- Edited by kj on Wednesday 20th of January 2016 05:46:29 PM
@AKH - Welcome! Betty made some great recommendations. I'm fairly new in the program so can still clearly remember how I felt as a newbie: mentally taxed and looking for answers while trying to comprehend and digest totally foreign concepts...challenging!
I read everything from AlAnon I could get my hands on, including the readers every day (Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in AlAnon, Hope for Today), and it was an incredible help and provided some simple but very effective tools to use for my situation. A saying that helps me is: Progress, not Perfection...just do what you can as you understand it today, so much better than waiting to get it "right"! Glad you're here!
@ kj - No need to apologize for long shares (says someone who has put out a few
Congratulations on attending your first F2F meeting, that's great! I was a little nervous before mine, but there are so many lessons to be learned from them. Thank you for sharing your experience and your thorough work on step 1, keep coming back!
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? My alcoholic adult daughter and MY poor choices, i.e. Helping her, always giving her money, etc....
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? Answered above
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability? My career, my home, being lonely.
I take a Tia Chi class which is supposed to be weekly, but I usually only make it to one every 2-3 weeks. Occasionally I attend functions with friends or family but rarely.
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. I have support from my family and friends but they urge me to take care of me first and to stop giving money to AD
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? No. my mind is in turmoil a lot but I'm beginning to learn how to calm it
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? Giving money to, and fixing/paying for AD poor choices
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?i don't think there was one incident. I think it all just got to be too much for me and I couldn't take it anymore.
Keep on keeping on you are on your way
I did feel surprisingly free after writing everything down (following the guidelines suggested), boy did that unearth some stuff! However I was hoping for some feedback (impossible if no-one can see it!) and right now I'm feeling disinclined to have to rewrite it all out again..
Hopefully I'll summon the motivation, thanks for everyone who has shared their first step so far.
I have had the same problem so that if I am writing a long response, I generally write it as a Word document on my laptop and then copy it over on to the Message Board-- this keeps the disappearing post from being lost.
Look forward to sharing the journey.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
I feel resentful about making a choice to have my ex move out so quickly, acting out of emotion rather than logic. I felt like I had to let the relationship go in order for me to be healthy, but I didn't want to and still don't know if I do. I feel like I had no choice but to end the relationship because the other option was to continue to live in chaos. I am trapping myself right now; a week ago I felt like he was trapping me, his family was trapping me and the other woman was trapping me.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
Great honest and insightful post Crau. Thanks for sharing the journey
Please do keep coming back as I am happy that you are both here.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
Hi, I am fairly new to Alanon. I have been attending the online meetings for about 3 months now. After listening to members share I have been in aw of the strengths, experiences, and hope I hear from them.....and well I want some of that for myself. I got on this step board about a month ago and have been trying to answer the questions to step one. I copied and saved them to my desktop and have gone back and forth answering them. I have to admit I had a really hard time with many of them. I would sort of stew over some of them wondering why do I need to answer this....I am not the one with the problem here!!!! But, low and behold I do have a problem and it's me. Someone shared something with me and it was a head slap moment. I realized then that something that seems so simple to do is actually the hardest when faced with doing it myself and for myself. Letting go of things you don't have control over is very humbling and admitting it even more so.
Step One: We Admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable
Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
The answer to this question is..yes
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
Yes, I haveI think by me trying to help was actually me trying to control. Its is very difficult to know how to deal with this disease. but from a parents perspective its instinct to want to do all you can to protect/rescue .this has been my struggle
Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Initially I would have to say my daughter (who is my qualifier).but also just the day to day demands of being a wife, mother, my job, all the demands of running a household and just having to be responsible for everything and everybody
Whom do you feel victimized by?
My daughter.I am a victim to her lies, broken promises, being untrustworthy, stealing my things etc. She has broken my heart.but I do and always will love her so much.it totally sucks!
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
My answer is to the some other area of your life? and that is my family I have created expectors (people who expect me to do for them.LOL) by always being the doer and giver. I dont want to do it anymore but now its kind of just expected so then I feel guilty if when I am not doing and giving
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
Guilt, thats why I keep doing. Anger, because I dont like the decisions my daughter is making. Sadness, because all the mother and daughter bonding things that I have missed and scared that I may never get to experience them.
What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I might be able to find some peace and serenity. I might learn about me likes, dislikes, what brings me happiness and tools to deal with sadness
What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability?
My weight....urg! Taking care of myself
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, and career?
Currently just for today my emotions are in check. Finances are fair. Spiritually is where I go for strength and dependence. Physical health is a work in progress.just started a diet. Career is stable but not fulfilling
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
Attend online meetings, watch TV and have currently been searching for a vacation spot for the fall
What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
I have a wonderful relationship with my 2 sisters they are my best friends. Co-workers are okay again not fulfilling. I feel very isolated from my daughter. I wish I knew where she was and if she was okay.
Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
No, I am mostly all over the place still learning and trying to be patient in the process. I want to be better and expect instant results
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
Myself
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
Again.myself
What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
Just letting it get out of hand. It only makes it harder to get control over
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to?
In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
I want to say some things to my daughter and dont feel like I can because I dont want to turn her further away. I havent talked to her in three weeks now and I want to reach out but it would nice to know that she wants to reach out to me too. What did I do wrong..why did she run away from me when I should have been the one running. I feel bad for feeling this way but it really pisses me off that she can just go without even looking back. I just pray that she is getting her crap together. Dang-It!
What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
When we took our daughter back to rehab for the third time and I thought I was going crazy from worrying, and stressing if it was going to work this time. Feeling guilty that her decease had gotten so bad and the length she would go to get it.
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Impatience with myself
Who or what are you most worried about?
My daughter
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?
Honestly.I dont know
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery?
Yes
Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
Yes
Suzanne
-- Edited by thompfam on Sunday 13th of March 2016 05:49:37 PM
-- Edited by DC2017 on Thursday 24th of March 2016 07:13:07 AM
I've been to many meetings but avoided the steps because I thought I knew it all. I dont.
By step 4 I'll get an in person sponsor but I'd like to do three here and attend the online meetings.
Step One.
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
YES I HAVE. My boyfriend. And my sister.
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
With my boyfriend I was, and I realized it was a disaster. With my sister I used to and I have given up. He sort of replaced her.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
I feel crazy when I feel the trauma response kick in when I feel my boyfriend is untrustworthy or doesn't love me enough. I'm stressed with having to support my sister, and i'm extremely resentful.
Whom do you feel victimized by? My sister. My boyfriend. But really: I feel victimized by the lack of courage I've had to stick to my guns with my sister.
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
I just took healthy-feeling albeit somewhat scary space away from my boyfriend to heal, so I feel better now about that. My sister is def. weighing on my finances because I'm allowing it.
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding? The fact that I have to learn to trust men. The fact that my sister has to get her own job and now. The reality that I want my own home and family and feel trapped.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
This. What I'm doing right now here and in EMDR therapy.
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I would have more money and energy but I would feel scared that something would happen to my sister and her dog. Would they be homeless, would she find another alcoholic to date or You see, I never had such a low estimation and expectation of my sister but I do now after these last 4 years.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
My relationship with all it's trauma triggers. My finances the last six months. My mind.
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions- generally great if I avoid these two trigger people, finances- strained but I'm confident will open up because this is unusual and won't persist, spirituality- awesome, physical health- i haven't been able to maintain exercise, career- I've lost some focus and passion in the past 6 months but when I'm away from home it's all extraordinary.
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment? Not much.
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family- I only see my sister and while its improved it's a constant state of he saying shes victimized, friends- I don't see them enough/ or at all , co-workers- I work alone.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated? I actually love being alone, though I do have relationships.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Clear, very. Consistent? Not when I'm triggered. My relationship set off these trauma triggers big time. I've avoided relationships but I realize I needed to challenge that behavior. Hes a wonderful man and doesn't deserve to be controlled or nitpicked or criticized.
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? ME. Which is why I'm here.
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships? ME. Which is why I'm here.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
Supporting my sister.
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to?
Stop doing it, even though she's working for me.
In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options?
I feel I have no option but to do this.
Who or what is trapping you? My sister. I've told her. She doesn't take it seriously. I feel if I'm more forecful she'll spiral out of control. And she lives with me so regardless I have to pay the rent of I'll be evicted. I'm determined to be free of this "burden" feeling in a positive way.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
Big impasse with boyfriend, majorly stressed with sister I'm very successful and feel no joy consistently from what I've created in the last 4 or 5 months.
I'm most worried about my sister.
I do immense amounts of self-loving stuff, but I'm deeply committed to this as a major act of self-love.
Thank you. I see that I have
Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
I used to, but when I learned from Al-anon about the nature of alcoholism I have "surrendered"
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Whom do you feel victimized by?
By my husband's binge drinking
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?
My fear that one of this days my husband will have another long drink
What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
That one of this days my husband will again insist/manipulate to get my permission for him to go out to drink with his friends.
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I have already told him that the decision is his not mine, the only thing I'm requesting is for him not to sleep in our bedroom when he goes home very very late because that situation causes me a feeling which I could not control that would lead to quarrel and I wouldn't like that to happen again. I keep my cool but it really irritates me why he wants me to accept and be convinced that drinking with friends is okay because it's not everyday. He denies being a binge drinker. I used to tell him that but I no longer argue with him over the issue because it's futile. My concern now is not him drinking but how to avoid and protect myself from bad fights when he drinks.
4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?
What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
I have some fear that when I do something for myself (fun, pleasure, enjoyment) he will use this to make me guilty that I am having the best in my life while he is miserable because he could not do what will make him happy, that is drinking with his friends. Or, he will make me guilty if I refuse to go out with him for a walk in the mall, honestly sometimes I don't really feel like it because I feel it's a manipulation so I have to give back to him. I'm working on this by reminding myself that I do not necessarily need to give back when I accept something which I think was freely given.
5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?
I work from home so I have virtual co-workers. I also ran my small bakery so my relationship with my co-workers is not really intimate as with friends. My college friends live very far from me, and I don't have friends in the community because I don't go out much. I would say that my family of origin are the closest since my husband and I was not blessed with a child. My husband and I lives with my 83 year old mother. I see my only sister at least once a year but we do call each other from time to time. I have 2 brothers. I would say my family is closely knit.
6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?
Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?
Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?
Upon coming to Al-anon my perspective of life has become better.
7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?
What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?
I would say that I feel a lot better now. I believe my husband and I has not reached a "real" understanding of each other. I believe I have established my options and choices, I am praying daily for strength, guidance and wisdom from God to follow His will.
8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?
If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?
Who or what are you most Worried about?
When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?
Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?
I ran tired, weary and exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions, of the fights and the make-ups, of the joy and the anger, of the hopes and frustrations. I just wanted to have peace. As of now I would say that I have found myself, some serenity in my life. Perhaps if my husband will no longer insist that I accept and be happy with his drinking, then it will lessen the irritants. I have already told him that if he is not happy living with me then he is free to make his choice. I don't know what life will be ahead, what the future holds for me but I'm glad to know and I hang on to faith that God is holding me now and forever.
Jocel