Hello everyone, I am new here and just found this board today. I have been searching for resources to help in my recovery. This has been the most helpful resource I have found to date. Any help or suggestions anyone can offer me would be greatly appreciated. I am a bit confused about the recovery process. Now that I have completed these items do I move onto step 2 or is there more to it than that?
The Alcoholic / Addict~ My Father
The Hypochondriac ~ None
The Sexual Abuser~ None
The General (militaristic, rigidly harsh) ~ My Father, oldest brother
The Basket Case (emotionally ill or fragile) ~ None
The Perfectionist ~ None
1. What is my definition of being unmanageable or having an unmanageable life? My definition of having an unmanageable life is not having control over what happens. Caring too much about what everyone else is doing and how that effects me.
2. Do I think I can still control people, places, and things by acting right, perfect, or otherwise? I KNOW that I cant control people, places and things by acting a certain way but I am having a difficult time not acting a certain way in order to control people, places and things.
3. Do I think I have power over other people and can control their actions and thoughts? I know I have no power over other people and that I cant control their actions and thoughts but that doesnt stop me from trying.
4. Am I letting the thoughts, feelings and actions of others have power over me? I most definitely am, it is almost like I need constant praise and approval from people in order to know that I am doing the right thing. I dont trust my own judgement.
5. Do I allow the feelings or possible reaction of others to control me or to determine my behavior and choices? I most definitely am, it is almost like I need constant praise and approval from people in order to know that I am doing the right thing. I dont trust my own judgement.
6. What does it mean to be codependent? Being codependent means that you are dependent on another persons actions or behaviors and your actions and behaviors are based on what they do.
7. Have my relationships created chaos, abuse, or predictable turmoil in my life? My relationships have done nothing but cause chaos and turmoil in my life. I have come to realize over the past year that this is all based on me, not them. This is why I have begun to work on myself and seek recovery.
8. Has my behavior and thinking affected my job performance or my ability to relate to others? Oh yes, I am very much a loner and feel like I am constantly being judged by others. I feel like no one likes me or wants to work with me. I feel like my work is superior to others and that I am smarter and more knowledgeable than they are. I dont like to be wrong and my work ethic has recently suffered very much because I launched a huge project and was not given the praise I feel like I deserved. I am at the point right now where I feel Why bother?
9. What is my ACA bottom or bottoming out? Have I hit my bottom? I believe that I have hit my ACA bottom and that is why I am seeking help. I feel like my bottom is my never being happy, my relationships and wanting to end the trend and just be healthy for the first time in my life. I want to be like everyone else and just be content with me. I want to trust my own judgement and know that I am doing the right thing, not guess at what is right. I want to stop spreading this disease to me children.
10. Has an obsession for another persons drugs, gambling, food or sex made my life unmanageable? How? Yes, I am clearly drawn to people with problems. Sex Addiction, Alcohol Addiction, being emotionally unavailable. These relationships make my life unmanageable because I cant make them stop their behavior. I believe that I feel good about myself and superior to these people because I do not have these issues. I do believe that I suffer from an addiction to love and possibly sex though, but that is a recent discovery.
11. Is my manageable life actually controlling behavior, which I have mislabeled? I believe that I am the happiest when everyone is doing and behaving exactly what and how I think they should. If someone does something against what I believe or think I take it as a direct insult and become very offended and upset. I believe that this is definitely controlling behavior.
12. Am I in denial about my controlling behavior? I think I have been in denial about my controlling behavior up until recently.
13. Can I recover alone? No, I cannot recover alone and am currently seeking out what resources are available to me.
14. Do I relate to other adult children in meetings? How? I have not been to an in person meeting but I have been to an online meeting and read some message boards. I definitely relate very well to other adult children from what I have heard and read. How, well can I just copy and paste the laundry list here? Sheesh!
The Laundry List 14 Traits of ME - an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
1. I have become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. I am an approval seeker and have lost my identity in the process.
3. I am frightened by angry people and any personal criticism. (and I avoid confrontation and conflict like the plague).
4. I have been in relationships with alcoholics and other compulsive personalities to fulfill my sick abandonment needs.
5. I have seen my life from the viewpoint of a victim and am attracted by that weakness in my love and friendship relationships. I do however pride myself in my strength and ability to fix things.
6. I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for me to be concerned with others rather than myself; this enables me not to look too closely at my own faults, etc.
7. I get guilty feelings when I stand up for myself instead of giving in to others.
8. I became addicted to excitement (and seem to thrive or attract chaos).
9. I confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people I can "pity" and "rescue."
10. I have "stuffed" my feelings from my traumatic childhood and have lost the ability to feel or express my feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
11. I judge myself harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. I am a dependent personality who is terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which I received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for me.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and I became a para-alcoholic and took on the characteristics of that disease even though I did not pick up the drink.
14. I am a Para-alcoholic, a reactors rather than an actor.
Laura1 said
Nov 6, 2017
Hello
Here are my answers:
1. What is my definition of being unmanageable or having an unmanageable life?
Feeling anxious, alone and unsafe without any obvious reason- ie feeling the need to control the world.
Getting snappy, being difficult to please and finding fault in everything despite having been happy and feeling loved and loving in my marriage. Ie trying to control my husband and my family.
Expecting the world to change so I would feel happy. Ie trying to get control back.
2. Do I think I can still control people, places,and things by acting right, perfect, or otherwise?
My learnt behaviour is to try to, as a response to stress.
3. Do I think I have power over other people and can control their actions and thoughts?
I try to, with my mum (my dad is the alcoholic). It's the only way I've learned to show my love for her, by trying to manage her life/domestic chores as she was too busy trying to manage my alcoholic father.
4. Am I letting the thoughts, feelings and actions of others have power over me?
Yes, my parents or lack of their interest in me as a child. It still makes me feel lonely and searching for love and a substitute for parents (especially a mother).
5. Do I allow the feelings or possible reaction of others to control me or to determine my behaviour and choices?
Yes unfortunately. People's rejection make me feel like a lonely child, searching for approval and warmth.
6. What does it mean to be codependent?
Believing that people's problems are mine to solve.
7. Have my relationships created chaos, abuse, or predictable turmoil in my life?
Predictable turmoil- I seem to adopt either a parental role towards people ( whether they want it or not) or that of a needy child looking for parents. Never of an emotionally whole person that is looking for an equal.
As a result, friends don't stick around long.
8. Has my behaviour and thinking affected my job performance or my ability to relate to others?
Yes, see above. Although I manage to do my job I allow myself to be underpaid then walk off and use that as an excuse to hate them. It's probably that I see authority as my parents-put up with unacceptable behaviour then blow a fuse and blame them.
9. What is my ACA bottom or bottoming out? Have I hit my bottom?
I'm on the way to recovery. Not having awareness of why I do the things I do was rock bottom.
10. Has an obsession for another person, drugs, gambling, food or sex made my life unmanageable? HOw?
Feeling that 'I can't start my life until I sort out my parents' life' was that obsession. Luckily, I've been in recovery for a few years now.
11. Is my manageable life actually controlling behaviour, which I have mislabelled?
My husband keeps hinting that I'm trying to 'micromanage' him. He is right I'm afraid. I'm also trying to turn him into that 'in love person' I knew years ago just because I can't see his love in all the other ways that come naturally for him to show it to me. As a result I act ungrateful and hard to please.
12. Am I in denial about my controlling behaviour?
Sometimes. I probably feel I'm trying to do things for people but I'm doing it in a controlling way (too long to expand on, my in laws, their family dynamics and the way they behave towards me are a case in point)
13. Can I recover alone?
Only I can do my own stepwork but in an ACA or anon group.
14. Do I relate to other adult children in meetings? How?
It's hard to relate in an online setting.
When I attended Alanon meetings in the past it was a 'i like or don't like them' reaction. And unfortunately I mostly spoke in a condescending manner to the ones I didn't like although I tried to hide it. Learning to respect people regardless is a lesson I am still working on (I am much better than I was, especially since becoming a mum).
It very recently dawned on me that for me, step 1 was about learning to feel acceptance in it's true sense. I don't remember feeling that as a child or young person and still feeling safe and peaceful. Acceptance equated to reaching rock bottom-stopping trying as it's out of my control ie let go of the alcoholic temporary until you can grab the reins again. Sounds awful but this is what I felt like. Acceptance meant hang in there, the murky waters will settle but never truly clear.
I've come a long way from where I was a few years ago-in denial and without any insight or awareness into why I am/do things I do. But I'm still in recovery.
Laura
Rumination said
Nov 29, 2017
Hello,
I have a couple of questions...
Is this post referring to Al-Anon ACoA or is this post referring to Adult Children of Alcoholics (no affiliation with Al-Anon)? I always thought that Al-Anon's group for adult children was abbreviated ACoA and the other group no affiliated with Al-Anon was abbreviated ACA.
Also, what if I didn't have anyone in my family who played the sexual abuser role? Do I skip that or am I supposed to find reasons to assign someone that role?
Sincerely,
Rumination.
hotrod said
Nov 29, 2017
Hello Rumination I am from the alanon portion of this Message Board and cannot answer your questions. Here is a link to the ACA section of this board. This section has a great deal more activity and no doubt will ll be able to answer your question.
I know that James (who started the original post here) runs a weekly meeting there as well. Good luck
Rumination said
Nov 29, 2017
Hi Hotrod thank you for getting back to me as quickly as you did. It's odd that this post is in an Al-Anon board and refers to ACA. Makes things really confusing.
hotrod said
Nov 30, 2017
We all post to this Step Board. The AA Board as well as the ACA Board and Alanon . When we post we identify ourselves as belonging to a particular Board so it is not too confusing
Here is the link I promised http://acoa.activeboard.com/f94587/adult-children-anonymous/
Rumination said
Dec 1, 2017
Oh okay thank you for letting me know! That's why I was confused because I didn't realize that different boards post to this board. That really clears things up haha. Thanks again. I appreciate your patience and information.
The Alcoholic / Addict~ My Father
The Hypochondriac ~ None
The Sexual Abuser~ None
The General (militaristic, rigidly harsh) ~ My Father, oldest brother
The Basket Case (emotionally ill or fragile) ~ None
The Perfectionist ~ None
1. What is my definition of being unmanageable or having an unmanageable life? My definition of having an unmanageable life is not having control over what happens. Caring too much about what everyone else is doing and how that effects me.
2. Do I think I can still control people, places, and things by acting right, perfect, or otherwise? I KNOW that I cant control people, places and things by acting a certain way but I am having a difficult time not acting a certain way in order to control people, places and things.
3. Do I think I have power over other people and can control their actions and thoughts? I know I have no power over other people and that I cant control their actions and thoughts but that doesnt stop me from trying.
4. Am I letting the thoughts, feelings and actions of others have power over me? I most definitely am, it is almost like I need constant praise and approval from people in order to know that I am doing the right thing. I dont trust my own judgement.
5. Do I allow the feelings or possible reaction of others to control me or to determine my behavior and choices? I most definitely am, it is almost like I need constant praise and approval from people in order to know that I am doing the right thing. I dont trust my own judgement.
6. What does it mean to be codependent? Being codependent means that you are dependent on another persons actions or behaviors and your actions and behaviors are based on what they do.
7. Have my relationships created chaos, abuse, or predictable turmoil in my life? My relationships have done nothing but cause chaos and turmoil in my life. I have come to realize over the past year that this is all based on me, not them. This is why I have begun to work on myself and seek recovery.
8. Has my behavior and thinking affected my job performance or my ability to relate to others? Oh yes, I am very much a loner and feel like I am constantly being judged by others. I feel like no one likes me or wants to work with me. I feel like my work is superior to others and that I am smarter and more knowledgeable than they are. I dont like to be wrong and my work ethic has recently suffered very much because I launched a huge project and was not given the praise I feel like I deserved. I am at the point right now where I feel Why bother?
9. What is my ACA bottom or bottoming out? Have I hit my bottom? I believe that I have hit my ACA bottom and that is why I am seeking help. I feel like my bottom is my never being happy, my relationships and wanting to end the trend and just be healthy for the first time in my life. I want to be like everyone else and just be content with me. I want to trust my own judgement and know that I am doing the right thing, not guess at what is right. I want to stop spreading this disease to me children.
10. Has an obsession for another persons drugs, gambling, food or sex made my life unmanageable? How? Yes, I am clearly drawn to people with problems. Sex Addiction, Alcohol Addiction, being emotionally unavailable. These relationships make my life unmanageable because I cant make them stop their behavior. I believe that I feel good about myself and superior to these people because I do not have these issues. I do believe that I suffer from an addiction to love and possibly sex though, but that is a recent discovery.
11. Is my manageable life actually controlling behavior, which I have mislabeled? I believe that I am the happiest when everyone is doing and behaving exactly what and how I think they should. If someone does something against what I believe or think I take it as a direct insult and become very offended and upset. I believe that this is definitely controlling behavior.
12. Am I in denial about my controlling behavior? I think I have been in denial about my controlling behavior up until recently.
13. Can I recover alone? No, I cannot recover alone and am currently seeking out what resources are available to me.
14. Do I relate to other adult children in meetings? How? I have not been to an in person meeting but I have been to an online meeting and read some message boards. I definitely relate very well to other adult children from what I have heard and read. How, well can I just copy and paste the laundry list here? Sheesh!
The Laundry List 14 Traits of ME - an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
1. I have become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. I am an approval seeker and have lost my identity in the process.
3. I am frightened by angry people and any personal criticism. (and I avoid confrontation and conflict like the plague).
4. I have been in relationships with alcoholics and other compulsive personalities to fulfill my sick abandonment needs.
5. I have seen my life from the viewpoint of a victim and am attracted by that weakness in my love and friendship relationships. I do however pride myself in my strength and ability to fix things.
6. I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for me to be concerned with others rather than myself; this enables me not to look too closely at my own faults, etc.
7. I get guilty feelings when I stand up for myself instead of giving in to others.
8. I became addicted to excitement (and seem to thrive or attract chaos).
9. I confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people I can "pity" and "rescue."
10. I have "stuffed" my feelings from my traumatic childhood and have lost the ability to feel or express my feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
11. I judge myself harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. I am a dependent personality who is terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which I received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for me.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and I became a para-alcoholic and took on the characteristics of that disease even though I did not pick up the drink.
14. I am a Para-alcoholic, a reactors rather than an actor.
Hello
Here are my answers:
1. What is my definition of being unmanageable or having an unmanageable life?
Feeling anxious, alone and unsafe without any obvious reason- ie feeling the need to control the world.
Getting snappy, being difficult to please and finding fault in everything despite having been happy and feeling loved and loving in my marriage. Ie trying to control my husband and my family.
Expecting the world to change so I would feel happy. Ie trying to get control back.
2. Do I think I can still control people, places,and things by acting right, perfect, or otherwise?
My learnt behaviour is to try to, as a response to stress.
3. Do I think I have power over other people and can control their actions and thoughts?
I try to, with my mum (my dad is the alcoholic). It's the only way I've learned to show my love for her, by trying to manage her life/domestic chores as she was too busy trying to manage my alcoholic father.
4. Am I letting the thoughts, feelings and actions of others have power over me?
Yes, my parents or lack of their interest in me as a child. It still makes me feel lonely and searching for love and a substitute for parents (especially a mother).
5. Do I allow the feelings or possible reaction of others to control me or to determine my behaviour and choices?
Yes unfortunately. People's rejection make me feel like a lonely child, searching for approval and warmth.
6. What does it mean to be codependent?
Believing that people's problems are mine to solve.
7. Have my relationships created chaos, abuse, or predictable turmoil in my life?
Predictable turmoil- I seem to adopt either a parental role towards people ( whether they want it or not) or that of a needy child looking for parents. Never of an emotionally whole person that is looking for an equal.
As a result, friends don't stick around long.
8. Has my behaviour and thinking affected my job performance or my ability to relate to others?
Yes, see above. Although I manage to do my job I allow myself to be underpaid then walk off and use that as an excuse to hate them. It's probably that I see authority as my parents-put up with unacceptable behaviour then blow a fuse and blame them.
9. What is my ACA bottom or bottoming out? Have I hit my bottom?
I'm on the way to recovery. Not having awareness of why I do the things I do was rock bottom.
10. Has an obsession for another person, drugs, gambling, food or sex made my life unmanageable? HOw?
Feeling that 'I can't start my life until I sort out my parents' life' was that obsession. Luckily, I've been in recovery for a few years now.
11. Is my manageable life actually controlling behaviour, which I have mislabelled?
My husband keeps hinting that I'm trying to 'micromanage' him. He is right I'm afraid. I'm also trying to turn him into that 'in love person' I knew years ago just because I can't see his love in all the other ways that come naturally for him to show it to me. As a result I act ungrateful and hard to please.
12. Am I in denial about my controlling behaviour?
Sometimes. I probably feel I'm trying to do things for people but I'm doing it in a controlling way (too long to expand on, my in laws, their family dynamics and the way they behave towards me are a case in point)
13. Can I recover alone?
Only I can do my own stepwork but in an ACA or anon group.
14. Do I relate to other adult children in meetings? How?
It's hard to relate in an online setting.
When I attended Alanon meetings in the past it was a 'i like or don't like them' reaction. And unfortunately I mostly spoke in a condescending manner to the ones I didn't like although I tried to hide it. Learning to respect people regardless is a lesson I am still working on (I am much better than I was, especially since becoming a mum).
It very recently dawned on me that for me, step 1 was about learning to feel acceptance in it's true sense. I don't remember feeling that as a child or young person and still feeling safe and peaceful. Acceptance equated to reaching rock bottom-stopping trying as it's out of my control ie let go of the alcoholic temporary until you can grab the reins again. Sounds awful but this is what I felt like. Acceptance meant hang in there, the murky waters will settle but never truly clear.
I've come a long way from where I was a few years ago-in denial and without any insight or awareness into why I am/do things I do. But I'm still in recovery.
Laura
Hello,
I have a couple of questions...
Sincerely,
Rumination.
I know that James (who started the original post here) runs a weekly meeting there as well. Good luck
Hi Hotrod thank you for getting back to me as quickly as you did. It's odd that this post is in an Al-Anon board and refers to ACA. Makes things really confusing.
We all post to this Step Board. The AA Board as well as the ACA Board and Alanon . When we post we identify ourselves as belonging to a particular Board so it is not too confusing
Here is the link I promised http://acoa.activeboard.com/f94587/adult-children-anonymous/
Oh okay thank you for letting me know! That's why I was confused because I didn't realize that different boards post to this board. That really clears things up haha. Thanks again. I appreciate your patience and information.