Thank you for posting these questions... they are so helpful.
-------------
Do I accept that I cannot control another persons drinking? Another persons behavior?
Yes. I am only in control of myself and my reactions to whatever life throws at me.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I have given him the freedom to handle things his own way. It is never the way I would handle things, and that's ok.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
It is a disease borne from his anxiety and trauma. He does say that he wants to stop. But I like to think of this metaphor... If you're sick with a disease you still take the medicine the doctor gives you. Sometimes you get better without medicine, sometimes you need the medicine to help you along. While it is a disease, personal effort is still required. He strongly refuses AA due to its connection to God and the higher power. I struggle with his refusal of this because I don't feel like he's doing everything he can to help himself beat it.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I kicked my AH out of the house for relapsing, saying that I had set a boundary and he had broken it. That he needed to leave until he had it under control. Only then could he return. What happened after that was just horror. After spending days on a binge in a hotel room he stopped returning phone calls and his phone went dead. The police were called and the hotel room opened for a wellness check. He was passed out on the bed and blew a .400 when they checked him at the hospital. I told him he needed to go back to rehab, he went begrudgingly and checked himself out less than a week later without telling me. He just showed up at our home and pretended like nothing was wrong. I tried to change him and the consequences were more work than if I had just let him be.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I really haven't asked for anything. It has resulted in a lot of anger and resentment. I am working on this. It is hard to tackle... Resentment that my kids have to go through this. Resentment that we don't feel the same way about our kids. There is nothing i wouldn't do for them... why doesn't he feel the same way?
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I used to feel mad, angry, sad. I started finding my own friends, doing my own things. This has resulted in so much anger from AH. He says I am distant. He wants to come with him to therapy so we can all 3 of us talk about why I'm being distant.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I did stop. He's angry. He says i am distant. Maybe our relationship was just built the whole time on me taking care of him and trying to change him. Without that, there is nothing? I guess that means it's over.
How can I let go of others problems instead of trying to solve them?
Be there and listen. Act only if asked.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
No. There is no quick fix. I thought i had this step nailed down. The world went crazy with corona-virus and i slipped back into this co-dependent control mode like it was yesterday.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I feel responsible for him because we work together for my families company. I feel I have to help him because the success of the business in part depends on him. It was a mistake to get this entwined....
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone elses behavior?
I feel shame when he doesn't show up to work and I have to answer the questions about where he is. I feel shame when he doesn't show up to the kids school and extra-curricular functions. I'm sick of making excuses for him. So i stopped. Some people know the truth, the rest of the people don't need to know anything. They can think what they want.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I spent a lot of time in Al-Anon a few years ago and lost touch. I hope to regain that perspective I had before. It had helped so much.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My mom. Friends. His family.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
My life is unmanageable when I don't have the mental energy to clean up the house. I can't summon the energy to do anything but stare at the TV. I retreat into my own head.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I don't seek approval from anyone but me now.
Do I say yes when I want to say no? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I used to do this all the time. I work every day at this. Held my own just yesterday in fact.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes. Constantly.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I feel like I can breathe. I try to wallow in these moments to help them last longer. They never last long enough...
How well do I take care of myself?
Not so good. I'm working on it.
How do I feel when I am alone?
Glorious. I started insisting that my AH take the kids to school Friday's while I stay and work from home alone. It is my favorite part of the week. He's not happy.... but I don't care anymore.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity comes when you have separated yourself from the other. Love comes from understanding and acceptance. You can't accept someone and pity them at the same time.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I don't know. This is my only serious relationship ever. But... probably.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Now I do. I hear the little voice coming through now. I used to stamp it down and pretend it wasn't there. I listen to it now.
Thank you for these questions
allizon said
Nov 18, 2023
hotrod wrote:
Step 1
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
ODAT PAGE 144
The First Step prepares us for a new life which we can achieve only by letting go of what we cannot control, and by undertaking one day at a time the monumental task of setting our world in order through a change in our own thinking.I will dedicate myself to managing my own life and only mine.
My Share
After many years in program this Step seems quite easy, reasonable and desirable. However when I first entered program I did not want to accept the fact that I was powerless and that I could not manage and fix my own problems and my life.----by making others do what I thought was right
The hardest part of this step has always been the" ADMITTING" You see my disease is very manipulative and although I know many things intellectually my disease can fool me into denying the reality of a situation and tell me that I have power over things and I can fix it, control it, manage it, and be happy . In order for me to admit that I was powerless over alcoholism I had to hit a very huge emotional bottom. I had tried everything.
I always believed that if I followed the rules, did all I was supposed to do then my life would follow an orderly enriched line filled with all good things.I would not have to deal with the messy reality of an alcoholic marriage nor a son who hated school and refused to learn, and a career that had stalled and my position eliminated.I kept repeating the insanity of my belief system.I had tried all avenues, church, doctors, therapist, friends and nothing worked and nothing changed.Nagging, Pretending and Denial no longer worked. My life and the life of my family were spinning out of control and I could not figure out what to do. That is when I arrived at the doors of alanon
Then I finally crawled into the rooms of alanon and was willing to try anything.Alanon handed me the 12Steps and said here is a program of living that works.Try it and see.I did and it did.Keeping an open mind is the key to progress.Found that I became teachable and ablel to take in new information and learn how to truly live
Thanks for letting me share
Step one questions
Do I accept that I cannot control another persons drinking? Another persons behavior?
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
How can I let go of others problems instead of trying to solve them?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone elses behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say yes when I want to say no? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Step 1 was a challenging topic for me during my studies, and I sought assistance from https://paperwriter.com/article-review-writing-service. Their expert support proved invaluable in crafting a well-researched written work. Highly recommend their service for anyone needing assistance with academic writing reliable, efficient, and a lifesaver during hectic times!"
Very nice!
Alexis Parker said
Apr 9, 2024
When exploring art gallery sites, prioritize those with clear communication and transparent policies. https://neochromegallery.com/ neochrome gallery exemplifies reliability by maintaining open channels of communication and providing clear guidelines for artists.
Thank you for posting these questions... they are so helpful.
-------------
Do I accept that I cannot control another persons drinking? Another persons behavior?
Yes. I am only in control of myself and my reactions to whatever life throws at me.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I have given him the freedom to handle things his own way. It is never the way I would handle things, and that's ok.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
It is a disease borne from his anxiety and trauma. He does say that he wants to stop. But I like to think of this metaphor... If you're sick with a disease you still take the medicine the doctor gives you. Sometimes you get better without medicine, sometimes you need the medicine to help you along. While it is a disease, personal effort is still required. He strongly refuses AA due to its connection to God and the higher power. I struggle with his refusal of this because I don't feel like he's doing everything he can to help himself beat it.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I kicked my AH out of the house for relapsing, saying that I had set a boundary and he had broken it. That he needed to leave until he had it under control. Only then could he return. What happened after that was just horror. After spending days on a binge in a hotel room he stopped returning phone calls and his phone went dead. The police were called and the hotel room opened for a wellness check. He was passed out on the bed and blew a .400 when they checked him at the hospital. I told him he needed to go back to rehab, he went begrudgingly and checked himself out less than a week later without telling me. He just showed up at our home and pretended like nothing was wrong. I tried to change him and the consequences were more work than if I had just let him be.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I really haven't asked for anything. It has resulted in a lot of anger and resentment. I am working on this. It is hard to tackle... Resentment that my kids have to go through this. Resentment that we don't feel the same way about our kids. There is nothing i wouldn't do for them... why doesn't he feel the same way?
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I used to feel mad, angry, sad. I started finding my own friends, doing my own things. This has resulted in so much anger from AH. He says I am distant. He wants to come with him to therapy so we can all 3 of us talk about why I'm being distant.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I did stop. He's angry. He says i am distant. Maybe our relationship was just built the whole time on me taking care of him and trying to change him. Without that, there is nothing? I guess that means it's over.
How can I let go of others problems instead of trying to solve them?
Be there and listen. Act only if asked.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
No. There is no quick fix. I thought i had this step nailed down. The world went crazy with corona-virus and i slipped back into this co-dependent control mode like it was yesterday.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I feel responsible for him because we work together for my families company. I feel I have to help him because the success of the business in part depends on him. It was a mistake to get this entwined....
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone elses behavior?
I feel shame when he doesn't show up to work and I have to answer the questions about where he is. I feel shame when he doesn't show up to the kids school and extra-curricular functions. I'm sick of making excuses for him. So i stopped. Some people know the truth, the rest of the people don't need to know anything. They can think what they want.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I spent a lot of time in Al-Anon a few years ago and lost touch. I hope to regain that perspective I had before. It had helped so much.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My mom. Friends. His family.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
My life is unmanageable when I don't have the mental energy to clean up the house. I can't summon the energy to do anything but stare at the TV. I retreat into my own head.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I don't seek approval from anyone but me now.
Do I say yes when I want to say no? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I used to do this all the time. I work every day at this. Held my own just yesterday in fact.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes. Constantly.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I feel like I can breathe. I try to wallow in these moments to help them last longer. They never last long enough...
How well do I take care of myself?
Not so good. I'm working on it.
How do I feel when I am alone?
Glorious. I started insisting that my AH take the kids to school Friday's while I stay and work from home alone. It is my favorite part of the week. He's not happy.... but I don't care anymore.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity comes when you have separated yourself from the other. Love comes from understanding and acceptance. You can't accept someone and pity them at the same time.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I don't know. This is my only serious relationship ever. But... probably.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Now I do. I hear the little voice coming through now. I used to stamp it down and pretend it wasn't there. I listen to it now.
Thank you for these questions
Very nice!
When exploring art gallery sites, prioritize those with clear communication and transparent policies. https://neochromegallery.com/ neochrome gallery exemplifies reliability by maintaining open channels of communication and providing clear guidelines for artists.