Hi all, I'm going to fold Steps 5, 6, and 7 into this post, so I can have the ACA contribution back "in order" with Dot's posting for Al-Anon.
Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had "harmed" and became willing to make amends to them all. I've heard a number of times in meetings that the first person an adult child needs to put on their list is themselves! And I believe that to be true. We grew up as challenged people, challenged in terms of being age-appropriate with our reactions to life situations, challenged with respects to understanding our own identities (any number of us have Disassociative Identity Disorder and/or PTSD), challenged with respect to having basic life skills for taking care of ourselves, being productive in work, opne and loving in close relationships. In trying very hard to overcome these challenges without the tools to do so, we did harm ourselves in various ways, and many of us then beat ourselves up for screwing up.
Adult Children can use Step 4 to beat ourselves up all over again -- focusing too much on our laundry list of failures as people. Choosing a good Step 5 listener is therefore a very important task for an AC -- ideally the choice needs to be someone who can help re-align our perspective on ourselves, so that we see ourselves as people with weaknesses, yes, and also with strengths can we can use to get ourselves ready for the work of change that comes with steps 7, 8, and 9. One of my Step 5 sharings I completed with my therapist. It was important to me to hear once in a meeting that the person I share with does not have to be someone in the ACA program, nor a sponsor, although often such a person if available is the one who could understand best what we are trying to do. In my case, my therapist was the ideal person to help me complete my Step 5 with a balanced view of myself and my history, including a clearer perspective on who I needed to put on my Step 8 list, and why I needed to put myself first on that list
Step 6 and 7 let us get ourselves in right relationship with our Higher Power before we move on to getting ourselves right with the people in our lives in Steps 8 and 9. This makes a lot of sense in terms of order -- our Higher Power is our "ultimate sponsor" -- the one who is always available for consultation, feedback, assistance. Once we acquire more spiritually grounded, love-oriented, and age-appropriate ways of being through our Step 7 work, we have the right foundation for looking outward from ourselves and applying our new ways of being to getting re-aligned with other people.
Step 8 is a huge "maturity" step for an ACA, or at least it was for me. It says, I am ready to step into adult shoes, accept that I'm the one to shoulder the responsibility for the effects I have on other people, notwithstanding how the shaping of me was skewed as a child. When I accepted this responsibility, it was also tremendously freeing. It reinforced that from now on it was me and my Higher Power re-shaping me, I am no longer a puppet controled by strings from my past. In taking responsibility for the ways I have acted or spoken to harm, I can also see that I can accept and believe in the opposite -- I am a person able to have positive effects on others, to act or speak for good. If I am responsible, I am one who has the choice. Having that choice over me, rather than my past having that choice over me, is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
Once I made my original list, my goal became to add a few people to the list as possible as I went along in life This then helped me in terms of being more cautious in who I chose to have in my life. I'd ask: is this a person likely to end up on my list quickly? My Step 8 list became one of my tools for "reality checking" that as an adult child I need to do daily.
So, those are my thoughts for today on this,
Lucy
gp said
Feb 19, 2007
Hi ,8 years on the programme and havent really dealt properly with 8 th step - kind of trying to avoid .Any suggestions on 8 step exercise anyone?
notcrazy62 said
Feb 22, 2007
Step 8 - Made a list of people I had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all
Well when I started recovery I had big resentments because I perceived that my father had never made amends to me. But I overcame that and began to see the value in the steps. I agree with Lucy that the first name on this list has to be me. In order to grow I had to reconcile that part of me that I abandoned in order to survive. I love the word "willing". It means that I prepare for Step 9 by recognizing the value in changing my ways. Amends is more than just apologizing. It is showing the people on the list that we acknowledge what we did, but also includes change. Without change there is no amends. While my father never came to me and directly apologized, he did change. He didn't become a perfect parent, but did make an effort to be a better person. I appreciate that much more now. I know how hard it is to change. I couldn't do it with my own will. I needed help. I listed a fair amount of people I harmed in my Step 4s. It helped me see how my survival patterns made me act out, and hurt myself and others. I am grateful that by learning how to trust and feel my feelings I could be honest with some of the people I harmed. I didn't make excuses, just said how I felt badly about what had happened, and that I recognized it as being wrong. It was very important for me not to shame myself while making amends. What I did wrong did not make me a bad person, but instead a human being who makes mistakes.
thanks for listening Dave
LucyM said
Feb 22, 2007
Dear qp,
I am not clear about which part of Step 8 you have not done "properly" and are trying to avoid - the list-making part, or the "became willoing to make amends" part. One basic exercise for the list-making part is to go back to your Step 4 and 5, and for those ACA traits you claim as your own, like isolation for instance, or doing things in order not to be abandoned, make lists of all the people that you had any connection with while you were acting out those traits. For instance, I was an "isolator" and did not like groups of more than two people. So, on two occasions when my friends gave me a surprise birthday party, I got wind of it, avoided showing up, and in one instance left several of them practically suffocating in the closet they were hiding in for almost 3 hours waiting to surprise me. All those people as well as the others I kept waiting went on my initial draft lists. Once I had my whole over-filled lists, I could go back and cross people off that weren't really people I had harmed -- like the non-friends, friends of friends, who came to my surprise birthday party but were not suffocating in the closet and could have left when they wanted to, and the friends who knew I was averse to groups but wanted the excuse for a party. The key to this approach/exercise is to "cover the bases" -- get your whole pool of potential list members identified, and then sort them out, pare them down. It is in the sorting out and paring down that you can complete your own self-designed exercises for "becoming willing to make amends to them all" -- the second part of Step 8 is a personal private task, and for each person I believe unique and different.
I hope this triggers some thoughts of your own as to exercises you might think of -- be open to your Higher Power giving you some guidance on this too
Lucy
Vicky R said
Feb 24, 2007
Hi Lucy , qp , and Dave , interesting thread , I agree that you could do step 8 with a therapist and it's a good idea that the Higher Power could be another sponsor too . Always good to remind each other too embarking on a step not to beat ourselves up too much about it. Don't know much about the diagnosis and stuff but hope you find it helpful here , Alanon is non professional , we share our experience but not as advice . If in any doubt about what is 'programme' it should be in the conference approved literature ,
llol Vickyr x
Blessed said
Aug 21, 2007
Dear Lucy and others,
After completeing all the preceding 7 Steps you come to Step 8. THen for me if I am to do another 4th Step is the only time I am to do an 8th Step sheet. Generally over resentments, harms, fears, or something like that. As you can see below I have printed out the chart as I have been taught by My SPonsor.
I may be doing another 4th Step around Fear. My 21 year old Son has been going to court for 2 felonies over 1 year and I am working my Steps with as much vigor as I can muster. He still has a trial ahead of him. Trusting GOD with my WHOLE HEART
Everyday is a 10th Step Daily Inventory to do at bedtime.
Step 8
List all names from your resentment sheets, harms sheets, and sex list your Fears on a seperate piece of paper
NAMES/ NOW/ PARTIAL / DEFERRED/ NEVER/ WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I'm going to fold Steps 5, 6, and 7 into this post, so I can have the ACA contribution back "in order" with Dot's posting for Al-Anon.
Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had "harmed" and became willing to make amends to them all. I've heard a number of times in meetings that the first person an adult child needs to put on their list is themselves! And I believe that to be true. We grew up as challenged people, challenged in terms of being age-appropriate with our reactions to life situations, challenged with respects to understanding our own identities (any number of us have Disassociative Identity Disorder and/or PTSD), challenged with respect to having basic life skills for taking care of ourselves, being productive in work, opne and loving in close relationships. In trying very hard to overcome these challenges without the tools to do so, we did harm ourselves in various ways, and many of us then beat ourselves up for screwing up.
Adult Children can use Step 4 to beat ourselves up all over again -- focusing too much on our laundry list of failures as people. Choosing a good Step 5 listener is therefore a very important task for an AC -- ideally the choice needs to be someone who can help re-align our perspective on ourselves, so that we see ourselves as people with weaknesses, yes, and also with strengths can we can use to get ourselves ready for the work of change that comes with steps 7, 8, and 9. One of my Step 5 sharings I completed with my therapist. It was important to me to hear once in a meeting that the person I share with does not have to be someone in the ACA program, nor a sponsor, although often such a person if available is the one who could understand best what we are trying to do. In my case, my therapist was the ideal person to help me complete my Step 5 with a balanced view of myself and my history, including a clearer perspective on who I needed to put on my Step 8 list, and why I needed to put myself first on that list
Step 6 and 7 let us get ourselves in right relationship with our Higher Power before we move on to getting ourselves right with the people in our lives in Steps 8 and 9. This makes a lot of sense in terms of order -- our Higher Power is our "ultimate sponsor" -- the one who is always available for consultation, feedback, assistance. Once we acquire more spiritually grounded, love-oriented, and age-appropriate ways of being through our Step 7 work, we have the right foundation for looking outward from ourselves and applying our new ways of being to getting re-aligned with other people.
Step 8 is a huge "maturity" step for an ACA, or at least it was for me. It says, I am ready to step into adult shoes, accept that I'm the one to shoulder the responsibility for the effects I have on other people, notwithstanding how the shaping of me was skewed as a child. When I accepted this responsibility, it was also tremendously freeing. It reinforced that from now on it was me and my Higher Power re-shaping me, I am no longer a puppet controled by strings from my past. In taking responsibility for the ways I have acted or spoken to harm, I can also see that I can accept and believe in the opposite -- I am a person able to have positive effects on others, to act or speak for good. If I am responsible, I am one who has the choice. Having that choice over me, rather than my past having that choice over me, is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
Once I made my original list, my goal became to add a few people to the list as possible as I went along in life
So, those are my thoughts for today on this,
Lucy
Well when I started recovery I had big resentments because I perceived that my father had never made amends to me. But I overcame that and began to see the value in the steps. I agree with Lucy that the first name on this list has to be me. In order to grow I had to reconcile that part of me that I abandoned in order to survive. I love the word "willing". It means that I prepare for Step 9 by recognizing the value in changing my ways. Amends is more than just apologizing. It is showing the people on the list that we acknowledge what we did, but also includes change. Without change there is no amends. While my father never came to me and directly apologized, he did change. He didn't become a perfect parent, but did make an effort to be a better person. I appreciate that much more now. I know how hard it is to change. I couldn't do it with my own will. I needed help. I listed a fair amount of people I harmed in my Step 4s. It helped me see how my survival patterns made me act out, and hurt myself and others. I am grateful that by learning how to trust and feel my feelings I could be honest with some of the people I harmed. I didn't make excuses, just said how I felt badly about what had happened, and that I recognized it as being wrong. It was very important for me not to shame myself while making amends. What I did wrong did not make me a bad person, but instead a human being who makes mistakes.
thanks for listening
Dave
Dear qp,
I am not clear about which part of Step 8 you have not done "properly" and are trying to avoid - the list-making part, or the "became willoing to make amends" part.
One basic exercise for the list-making part is to go back to your Step 4 and 5, and for those ACA traits you claim as your own, like isolation for instance, or doing things in order not to be abandoned, make lists of all the people that you had any connection with while you were acting out those traits. For instance, I was an "isolator" and did not like groups of more than two people. So, on two occasions when my friends gave me a surprise birthday party, I got wind of it, avoided showing up, and in one instance left several of them practically suffocating in the closet they were hiding in for almost 3 hours waiting to surprise me. All those people as well as the others I kept waiting went on my initial draft lists.
Once I had my whole over-filled lists, I could go back and cross people off that weren't really people I had harmed -- like the non-friends, friends of friends, who came to my surprise birthday party but were not suffocating in the closet and could have left when they wanted to, and the friends who knew I was averse to groups but wanted the excuse for a party.
The key to this approach/exercise is to "cover the bases" -- get your whole pool of potential list members identified, and then sort them out, pare them down. It is in the sorting out and paring down that you can complete your own self-designed exercises for "becoming willing to make amends to them all" -- the second part of Step 8 is a personal private task, and for each person I believe unique and different.
I hope this triggers some thoughts of your own as to exercises you might think of -- be open to your Higher Power giving you some guidance on this too
Lucy
llol Vickyr x
After completeing all the preceding 7 Steps you come to Step 8. THen for me if I am to do another 4th Step is the only time I am to do an 8th Step sheet. Generally over resentments, harms, fears, or something like that. As you can see below I have printed out the chart as I have been taught by My SPonsor.
I may be doing another 4th Step around Fear. My 21 year old Son has been going to court for 2 felonies over 1 year and I am working my Steps with as much vigor as I can muster. He still has a trial ahead of him. Trusting GOD with my WHOLE HEART
Everyday is a 10th Step Daily Inventory to do at bedtime.
Step 8
List all names from your resentment sheets, harms sheets, and sex list your Fears
on a seperate piece of paper
NAMES/ NOW/ PARTIAL / DEFERRED/ NEVER/ WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Love you all in Recovery,
Blessed
-- Edited by Blessed at 08:25, 2007-08-21