Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
I'd like to write something about the second half of this step -- the potential for a direct amends in and of itself to cause injury. An ACoA needs to consider whether making an amends would end up being an invitation for injury to ourselves. Often ACoAs have ended up with poor defenses against harmful people, and/or poorly working "antennae" regarding people who might be hurtful, because of the numerous times they were hurt in various ways as children by family members who betrayed their trust, and not given adequate time or means to recover before being hurt in the same way again. This step is a particularly tricky one for those of us who fit this description, because many times those who we have on our amends list are the very people who caused us harm, who we tried to protect ourselves against - perhaps not in the best of ways which is how they ended up on our list, but nonetheless, they are risky people for us. I loved the method I heard described once in a meeting for one way to make amends to a perpetrator or hurtful person in our lives that does not invite further hurts. The method is simple - resolve to "not go there" with the person ever again, the "there" being the kind of situation or conversation that "tempts" them to act out their stuff and be hurtful. The talking part of the amends can take the form of the polite refusal to "go there" -- as in, "this year I have decided not to spend Thanksgiving with you all - I find that when I do, I end up reacting and overreacting to things that come up in ways that make me unhappy with myself, and I'm committed to becoming a better person than that. I hope you understand."
It has been my experience that most of the hurtful people in my life know about 12-Step programs and the amends-making step, and if I even refer to making amends, it invites ridicule and adversarial attitudes. My making amends more indirectly by setting firm boundaries for myself as a way of taking this step has worked much more effectively. It says to the person, I am no longer going to be "unhealthy" when I am interacting with you, I deserve healthy choices from myself, and so do you. With such indirect amends, I do not invite further injury to myself and avoid attacks on my own recovery. When I practice healthy habits in this way, I become less prone to regress into unhealthy habits that only perpetuate hurts to myself and others.
Take what you like and leave the rest
Lucy
notcrazy62 said
Mar 7, 2007
One thing I think about with this step is forgiveness. Where is that to take place? I find it odd that there really isn't a good step for forgiveness. Perhaps resentment can be considered a defect (even though it is a feeling), and steps 6 and 7 are about forgiveness. The thing about this step is that we absolutely do not go looking for forgiveness of our wrong doings - except from ourselves. If we go looking for some kind of forgiveness from others, we will almost certainly invite injury. We may get a false forgiveness, where the person just says they weren't hurt, or tell us not to worry about it. This can injure us because it will be an invalidation of our feelings. It also could be that they will not be honest with us. But perhaps worst of all, we can do it as a form of people pleasing, to get love and attention.
The real point of amends is change. Without real change we will not be doing ourselves nor the person we harmed any good by apologizing. I have performed step 9 with some, and others I just decided it wouldn't do any good. I don't shy away from it lightly, and make sure that I have changed so that while telling these people will not be productive, I have made the necessary changes none the less.
I have to come back to forgiveness because I know how important that I made amends to myself. I forgave myself for having to take on survival patterns. I made amends to the child within. I let him know that no longer will I deny him his pain. It was only by validating his pain that I could really live. Before it was just surviving. I made amends to myself by feeling my feelings. I made amends to myself by being honest with myself. Melody Beattie said the greatest harm to ever come to her was from herself, because she believed all those messages she got as a child. My greatest amends was removing the shame, the untrue messages about myself. When I did that, it was so much easier to truly change.
thanks for reading Dave
-- Edited by notcrazy62 at 03:29, 2007-03-07
amanda2u2 said
Mar 8, 2007
The principles of Step 9 are pretty clear,,, in that the focus is not supposed to be about what other people have done to us,,, but this is a self improvement program,, designed for us to improve ourselves. It was always hard to admit that maybe I did something wrong to somebody that I couldn't blame on them by exploiting my role of 'victim'. but there is not one of us that is perfect, or would be perfect if we were not abused, or will be perfect by copping out of making real amends in some way,, correcting our real own defects of character,, now matter who is to blame for how we got them. When I can't make a direct amends, that still doesn't get me off the hook so that I can go ahead with that defect. I am now responsible for myself, and, if I don't want to be a psychological cripple with that secondary gain or making people feel sorry for me (the well known 'pity pot') so that I can get them to enable my bad behaviors and stinking thinking, I must accept responsibility for my behavior. I feel obligated to try to do Step 7 about the behavior pattern that I have, no matter why I have it, whether or not I address a specific incident in an amends directly, or whether it is that I realize that I have a tendency that results in many similar incidents. For example,,, if I blew my top at a stranger on the bus,, I can't make that specific amends,, but I can work on having that character defect removed so that I will not be blowing my top at other strangers. No excuse that I blew my top because I was an abused child. Or if I cheated on my spouse,, I would not make a direct amends and open that can of worms up again,,, but I would address the issues of my unfaithfulness and do the self-improvement that I know is necessary, even if no one else knows.. improve my commitment to my marriage, and not give myself the excuse that I can let it ride because I was getting my inner child's needs met and it would only hurt to level with my spouse and so shine it on and probably end up in another excursion from my marriage commitment.
I'm glad that I have, and do still , try to make amends, I didn't really belive my own excuses half the time anyway,,, and I do feel like have closure on those things, and that today is a new day with a new start.
I'd like to write something about the second half of this step -- the potential for a direct amends in and of itself to cause injury. An ACoA needs to consider whether making an amends would end up being an invitation for injury to ourselves.
Often ACoAs have ended up with poor defenses against harmful people, and/or poorly working "antennae" regarding people who might be hurtful, because of the numerous times they were hurt in various ways as children by family members who betrayed their trust, and not given adequate time or means to recover before being hurt in the same way again. This step is a particularly tricky one for those of us who fit this description, because many times those who we have on our amends list are the very people who caused us harm, who we tried to protect ourselves against - perhaps not in the best of ways which is how they ended up on our list, but nonetheless, they are risky people for us.
I loved the method I heard described once in a meeting for one way to make amends to a perpetrator or hurtful person in our lives that does not invite further hurts. The method is simple - resolve to "not go there" with the person ever again, the "there" being the kind of situation or conversation that "tempts" them to act out their stuff and be hurtful. The talking part of the amends can take the form of the polite refusal to "go there" -- as in, "this year I have decided not to spend Thanksgiving with you all - I find that when I do, I end up reacting and overreacting to things that come up in ways that make me unhappy with myself, and I'm committed to becoming a better person than that. I hope you understand."
It has been my experience that most of the hurtful people in my life know about 12-Step programs and the amends-making step, and if I even refer to making amends, it invites ridicule and adversarial attitudes. My making amends more indirectly by setting firm boundaries for myself as a way of taking this step has worked much more effectively. It says to the person, I am no longer going to be "unhealthy" when I am interacting with you, I deserve healthy choices from myself, and so do you. With such indirect amends, I do not invite further injury to myself and avoid attacks on my own recovery. When I practice healthy habits in this way, I become less prone to regress into unhealthy habits that only perpetuate hurts to myself and others.
Take what you like and leave the rest
Lucy
The real point of amends is change. Without real change we will not be doing ourselves nor the person we harmed any good by apologizing. I have performed step 9 with some, and others I just decided it wouldn't do any good. I don't shy away from it lightly, and make sure that I have changed so that while telling these people will not be productive, I have made the necessary changes none the less.
I have to come back to forgiveness because I know how important that I made amends to myself. I forgave myself for having to take on survival patterns. I made amends to the child within. I let him know that no longer will I deny him his pain. It was only by validating his pain that I could really live. Before it was just surviving. I made amends to myself by feeling my feelings. I made amends to myself by being honest with myself. Melody Beattie said the greatest harm to ever come to her was from herself, because she believed all those messages she got as a child. My greatest amends was removing the shame, the untrue messages about myself. When I did that, it was so much easier to truly change.
thanks for reading
Dave
-- Edited by notcrazy62 at 03:29, 2007-03-07
I'm glad that I have, and do still , try to make amends, I didn't really belive my own excuses half the time anyway,,, and I do feel like have closure on those things, and that today is a new day with a new start.
love in recovery,
amanda