This letter is to all those Grateful Alcoholics, Addicts, and people with Co-Occuring Disorders. First of all I want to say I LOVE YOU ALL. I don't have to know you, or ever speak to you, meet you, or talk to you in person. But we all share a common bond between us. That bond is the bond of Alcoholism and addiction. Fortunantly my Story has a Happy ending where I have come out alive, for GOd's purposes and use.
America has come any further then when I first started getting loaded back in the late sixties. I drank and did many other things for 28 years starting on the streets at 13 yeasr old running away from home. I had horses and i was a tom boy really. Climbing fences, playing with snakes, lizards, and frog. I came from an upper middle class home. But my Dad drank and was alcoholic even though it wasn't spoken of.
I myself was raped, beaten, tortured, turned out, started riding with a Hell's Angel that was my boy friend then placed in California Youth Autority. After leaving there I witnessed stabbings, I endured more beatings, was married, enuled, then more rapes and on and on.
Finally, I out grew that part but my drinking was always there. I was engaged many times. Money became a part of my life and my looks were also. I always had a new car starting at 18 years old. They were expensive and I earned my own money for my clothing and cars. I dated Dentists, lawyers, and different guys with great careers. FIndings them boring and messed up generally too because they had to drink like me.
I finally reached the top or so I thought when I met a man 23 years my Senior. I had seen this home in Tiburon prior with a Chiropractor I worked for. Saying to myself, I am going to live there some day. ANyway, I ended up engaged and living with this man that was more evil then anyone I had ever known in my life. He made 1/2 a million a year. Only finding that out years later after I had left him and married and had a child. Only to divorce this man also for drinking and drugs whom is very succesful today in the Restaurant business.
I knew in the back of my mind in my twenties that I had a problem with booze. We had a full bar in our home in Tiburon and I would deplete it. I loved to drink to come down and use coke to go up. But the Alcohol and drugs stopped working for me along time before I stopped.
I hit many bottoms, blackouts, car wrecks, over doses, painful hospital visits, heart murmurs, just plain sick and sick. I went down in my weight to 80 lbs once. Death was something I thougth that I longed for, but each time I was close I would cry out to GOD. I took 100 downers once when I had alot of cocaine in my system. Hoping to die. I didn't! All my life has been like this over and over but getting worse each time and more full of pain each time.
I knew actor's, singers, politicians, bands, so on. This isn't to go TOOTING my horn. It is a fact! But God had something else planned for me and I wasn't finished yet. It had nothing to do with fame, fortune, money. it was just the opposite of it!
I had a Son during this time that I adored and meant more to me than anything. I thought! Except, I still drank. I didn't know I had a problem with alcohol really. Sometimes I would say YEP I do have a problem then NO it's alright. I was swept off my feet by an EVIL creep. You see I was already being FInancially kept by a couple creeps already! But the Evil, upon evil was just about to enter our life. My SOn's Father didn't pay child support or see his Son. I was a Mistress for years. Really that is a nice way of calling me a Whore.
He entered and showered us with gifts and laughter. Alcohol! But my health was getting really bad prior to EVIL coming into our lives. I was ill for a time and a 1/2. What that means is I was so ill for a couple years since this baby. No Doctor's could figure out what was wrong with me. SO I drank more because the pain was constantly getting worse.
I was having Seizures curling into a ball with speech disturbances, was hospitalized many times for alcohol poisoning, I was drinking everyday. Hiding liquor in the garage, in my purse, next to the bed. As soon as I got off work I would go to the mini mart and slug down several canned drinks before going home. Many times I couldn't get up and take my Son to school because of my drinking the evening before.
I was given so many opportunities for "REHABILITATION" starting in my early 20's. I just WASN"T READY.
A.A. in the Big Book it say's Alcohol is Cunning, Baffling and Powerful, without help it is too much for us. BY GOd's Grace I stepped out and received that "HELP" 13 years ago, February 19, 1994. My last drunk I will never forget and it keeps me humble everyday. I don't ever want to drink or take a drug again.
My Son, my beautiful child is drinking now. He also has done other things too! We reached out in every manner that you can think of to try to save him from this disease. Four Rehabs, the costs alone we could buy another house here in California. But we chose to reach out , so on. Did it work? NO! WHY? Because he isn't ready yet! He is in his early 20's things aren't bad enough yet! he has serious allegations against him in court that are painful for me to watch. I have watched this spiral for 6 years trying to warn him, turn him around.
Today I have a Sponsor, one of many since I got sober many years back. I have done and will continue to do the 12 Steps. I go to meetings, trying for at least 3 a week. I am also in a Church with my husband that we Love. I am also in a Ministry as well as Service when I can.
I am a /cfids/bi-polar/fibro/chronic pain sufferer. But even with these ailments that I have. God still uses me where it is that he wants me. he doesn't need me really, he get's along just fine without little ole me. But every once in a while he just may want to fill my little life. With something pleasing, something that I can share with his people. Giving "HOPE" to another Alcoholic addict, imprisoned by The World but not by GOd.
Thanks for letting me post my "Share"
Blessed
GOd is my refuge and my strength in times of trouble.
Blessed said
Dec 7, 2007
Beating OUR Addictions, Compultsons and Habits,
One of my biggest habits in my life has been "WORRY." From the time my mind is on it begins to go on and on and on with worry. Filling itself with silly things that are unproductive. So I will pray, and pray and pray. That it why I have an unquiet mind. It never rests. When I got to the program of A.A. all I did was drink, and do other things plus worry all the time.
Right now my Father to whom I am very close with. Has been diagnosed with a Tumor of Cancer in his head. It started out as skin Cancer that was malignant. Then after 2 skin surgeries and to no avail! They have now said it has a tumor under the skin.
My reaction at first was anger and disbelief. Then it was sorrow at the possibility of his death if it has matasticized. Then I called a friend and we prayed and I prayed somemore. Knowing that GOd is a GOd of Miracles, he is a GOd of healing and of Love. So if anything is going to change this course of action he can. I Trust him and Love him with my whole Heart look what he did for me. he healed me from my Disease of Alcoholism.
As for the habit of worry. I am working on it along with the other Defects of Character in Step 7. Remembering that I am a work in progress, not perfection.
Blessed
Blessed said
Dec 7, 2007
Hi again,
I am about to scream at this one hangup I have that drives my nuts. I am getting better but I have a ways to go. The hang up is "Perfectionism." Perfectionism in my home, clothes, husband, dogs, everything. Prayer to my Higher Power with my husband or another person works when calling out to God ( The Lord) Where two or three are gathered in hs name he is there amongst them.
Over the years I have gotten older and slowed down . It has also gotten to be a health factor for me too! When having Chronic Pain you can't do all the things you would like to do or you suffer greatly physically for it. I still like to cause myself pain and suffering because I don't slow down still enough.
I'll give an example! I signed up for Yoga at the Adult Education Center. This is for my health to try to improve my strength and mobility not to become a pretzle. The first day I missed becasue I was in pain and couldn't get up out of bed from my illness. Then the next session I was ready to go. Low and behold I went got ready and did all the excercises the teeacher did. She didn't look that great, she was a little pudgy around the middle and kindof older than me. Most of this seasoned class was older than me so I could do this. I did it alright, I was in bed in so much pain for several days that I couldn't walk, climb our stairs, or sit, stand, so on without wanting to cry. SO much of a Perfectionist, compulsive personality, with a twist of stubborness. This week I only went to 1 class instead of 2 becasue of my health but I didn't over do I stopped at the excercises, and stretches I could not do. The other part about Yoga I am against is the Spirituality part. I am totallly against it but today I don't have to agree with it. I can ignore it and pray to my own Abba, GOD, My Lord, My Father in Heaven. Today I don't have to make my Choice be known by making a scene verbally. it is already known in silence.
This letter is to all those Grateful Alcoholics, Addicts, and people with Co-Occuring Disorders. First of all I want to say I LOVE YOU ALL. I don't have to know you, or ever speak to you, meet you, or talk to you in person. But we all share a common bond between us. That bond is the bond of Alcoholism and addiction. Fortunantly my Story has a Happy ending where I have come out alive, for GOd's purposes and use.
America has come any further then when I first started getting loaded back in the late sixties. I drank and did many other things for 28 years starting on the streets at 13 yeasr old running away from home. I had horses and i was a tom boy really. Climbing fences, playing with snakes, lizards, and frog.
I came from an upper middle class home. But my Dad drank and was alcoholic even though it wasn't spoken of.
I myself was raped, beaten, tortured, turned out, started riding with a Hell's Angel that was my boy friend then placed in California Youth Autority. After leaving there I witnessed stabbings, I endured more beatings, was married, enuled, then more rapes and on and on.
Finally, I out grew that part but my drinking was always there. I was engaged many times. Money became a part of my life and my looks were also. I always had a new car starting at 18 years old. They were expensive and I earned my own money for my clothing and cars. I dated Dentists, lawyers, and different guys with great careers. FIndings them boring and messed up generally too because they had to drink like me.
I finally reached the top or so I thought when I met a man 23 years my Senior. I had seen this home in Tiburon prior with a Chiropractor I worked for. Saying to myself, I am going to live there some day. ANyway, I ended up engaged and living with this man that was more evil then anyone I had ever known in my life. He made 1/2 a million a year. Only finding that out years later after I had left him and married and had a child. Only to divorce this man also for drinking and drugs whom is very succesful today in the Restaurant business.
I knew in the back of my mind in my twenties that I had a problem with booze. We had a full bar in our home in Tiburon and I would deplete it. I loved to drink to come down and use coke to go up. But the Alcohol and drugs stopped working for me along time before I stopped.
I hit many bottoms, blackouts, car wrecks, over doses, painful hospital visits, heart murmurs, just plain sick and sick. I went down in my weight to 80 lbs once. Death was something I thougth that I longed for, but each time I was close I would cry out to GOD. I took 100 downers once when I had alot of cocaine in my system. Hoping to die. I didn't! All my life has been like this over and over but getting worse each time and more full of pain each time.
I knew actor's, singers, politicians, bands, so on. This isn't to go TOOTING my horn. It is a fact! But God had something else planned for me and I wasn't finished yet. It had nothing to do with fame, fortune, money. it was just the opposite of it!
I had a Son during this time that I adored and meant more to me than anything. I thought! Except, I still drank. I didn't know I had a problem with alcohol really. Sometimes I would say YEP I do have a problem then NO it's alright. I was swept off my feet by an EVIL creep. You see I was already being FInancially kept by a couple creeps already! But the Evil, upon evil was just about to enter our life. My SOn's Father didn't pay child support or see his Son. I was a Mistress for years. Really that is a nice way of calling me a Whore.
He entered and showered us with gifts and laughter. Alcohol! But my health was getting really bad prior to EVIL coming into our lives. I was ill for a time and a 1/2. What that means is I was so ill for a couple years since this baby. No Doctor's could figure out what was wrong with me. SO I drank more because the pain was constantly getting worse.
I was having Seizures curling into a ball with speech disturbances, was hospitalized many times for alcohol poisoning, I was drinking everyday. Hiding liquor in the garage, in my purse, next to the bed. As soon as I got off work I would go to the mini mart and slug down several canned drinks before going home. Many times I couldn't get up and take my Son to school because of my drinking the evening before.
I was given so many opportunities for "REHABILITATION" starting in my early 20's. I just WASN"T READY.
A.A. in the Big Book it say's Alcohol is Cunning, Baffling and Powerful, without help it is too much for us. BY GOd's Grace I stepped out and received that "HELP" 13 years ago, February 19, 1994. My last drunk I will never forget and it keeps me humble everyday. I don't ever want to drink or take a drug again.
My Son, my beautiful child is drinking now. He also has done other things too! We reached out in every manner that you can think of to try to save him from this disease. Four Rehabs, the costs alone we could buy another house here in California. But we chose to reach out , so on. Did it work? NO! WHY? Because he isn't ready yet! He is in his early 20's things aren't bad enough yet! he has serious allegations against him in court that are painful for me to watch. I have watched this spiral for 6 years trying to warn him, turn him around.
Today I have a Sponsor, one of many since I got sober many years back. I have done and will continue to do the 12 Steps. I go to meetings, trying for at least 3 a week. I am also in a Church with my husband that we Love. I am also in a Ministry as well as Service when I can.
I am a /cfids/bi-polar/fibro/chronic pain sufferer. But even with these ailments that I have. God still uses me where it is that he wants me. he doesn't need me really, he get's along just fine without little ole me. But every once in a while he just may want to fill my little life. With something pleasing, something that I can share with his people. Giving "HOPE" to another Alcoholic addict, imprisoned by The World but not by GOd.
Thanks for letting me post my "Share"
Blessed
GOd is my refuge and my strength in times of trouble.
-- Edited by Blessed at 11:24, 2007-12-07
-- Edited by Blessed at 11:57, 2007-12-07