Step Two - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. This was a hard step for me as I wanted no part of religion and I was not comfortable with talking about God. But I had accepted my powerlessness in the First Step and I was willing to try. First I had to admit that I was insane - realizing that I had been doing the same things over and over - each time expecting different results - that's insanity. Listening at the tables helped me with this. I started acting "as if" ad asked for help and the tables became the Power in my life - my sponsor tld me that was ok. I reached out to others and tried what had worked for them. Slowly I felt better and my life was better whether the a was drinking or not. I started to believe that there was something working in my life. Today I have a Higher Power in my life that I'm still now sure about. Sometines it's still the tables - sometimes it's Good Orderly Direction - and sometimes it's just an innr feeling that I am not alone. For me, it's ok that I don't know what my Higher Power is - I only need to know I have one. Love in recovery - Dot ((((((((all))))))))

My beliefs about the existence of God and what God is like , and my relationship with God have changed quite a lot in my lifetime, and are still changing. My mom was the daughter of a Protestant "hell-fire and brimstone" preacher, into the "wrath of an angry God". My father was a very nominal Christian,,, only go to church 4 times in life..  baptism, communion, wedding, funeral. When an aunt sent a baptismal gown as a gift for me as an infant... my parents sent it back and I was not baptized, nor brought to any church or anything. Later on I had experience in a church, kind of,,,,  I remember my parents saying "honor your mother and father"  or it would be hell for me. Then they would continue to be abusive.

I had the idea that God was a sadistic Judge, up there watching and just waiting for me to slip up so he could gleefully punish me and then would cast me into hell.  Actually that is kind of like how my parents were.

When I got into recovery my idea started changing as I did the Steps for the first time, turned my first second over to God and found out......     I receive Love! mercy! patience! things do have a way of working out when I turn it over and let God lead! amazing!

Everyday is another day to learn more, and my understanding of God is not complete yet. I am still "coming to believe".

amanda

came to believe.........

an event many years coming....

in fact..

all of my years...

my search for a higher powerr came as an infant.....

delivered to the first higher powers on my birthday...

ok...

that may be a tad extreme:)

but this first relationship

with someone whom i must rely on

in order to get me through

was at best .... not good

and at worst,

dangerous

as i grew, i was intoduced to religion...

or anybody who would take my brothers and i to church

and take care of us

the churches that reached out to me

were the ones that used fear.....

hteir God was angry

specifically at me...

no wonder my life was so devestating

this higher power

was not working for me...

but against me

i became a raging teen

and anger served me well as a higher power

carrying me through each day

indeed,

i was safe.....so i thought

yet in my anger,

my own recklessness put my life in danger

as often if not more often

than my own parents....

safe

very alone

soon i would add a new higher power

and for several years of my life

i drank

obliteration of all thought and memory,

overcoming low self esteem

with the liquid that would lower my guard

so that i could talk

i moved away from the higher power of alcohol

i settled a bit

the world had humbled me somewhat...

i married...

had children

life was beginning to workthen the troubles came

the finances, the work, the kids,

the inability to communicate

with the woman i had married

i took charge

:(

i became my higher power

and the more i took charge the deeper in chaos

i fell

she left,

i was at bottom

everything i had done for years was for us

or her

and with her gone

who was i?

what was i to do?

i spent months in isolation

in my room,

reflecting (committee bashing me severely)

i accepted all the guilt

whoa is me.....

thinking about my life...

and all the abuse,

the accidents

my own wrecklessness,

close call after close call

i remember people commenting on how lucky i was to be alive

after enduring all i had...

lucky?

only to survive to this?

soon i saw a common thread though

the very God i thought who was making my existence so

hazardous and chaotic, punishing me for the crimes

i had committed as a child

possibly an infant....

had carried me through

each raging parent

each car crash with a drunken parent

the impossible odds i had put myself against

the financial difficulties

the aloneness

i began to see my higher power

my creator of my world

full of beauty to behold

he gave me a choice

i choose recovery and roses

over

chaos and thorns

i am grateful:)

 

 

take what you like and leave the rest

praying for your peace as well as mine

ang

Thank you all for your ES & H. Though I have believed in and hungered for God since early childhood and now make my living as a theologian, I have learned from your sharing about the second step why it is an important one to work on -- even for those of us who assume we are always asking God to be in control.... One of you mentioned that to work this step as it is written, we have to first believe we are insane: How else could God "restore us to sanity"? I realized when I read that post that maybe this is why no matter what program I've tried to work, I haven't been successful -- because although I have been very spiritual and very committed to religious practice, I didn't really believe I was insane until about five weeks ago, when I was placed in a locked ward in a psychiatric hospital and ran the halls, pacing, biting, screaming, sobbing, cutting myself with anything I could pry off the walls -- I was clinically insane. And there is no doubt in my mind anymore than nothing and no one but God can restore me to sanity -- because I have tried every "easier, softer way" (I say it with a smile because some of them weren't "easy" or "soft") -- psychiatric medications, support groups for people with mental illness, therapy, yoga, spiritual small groups, various organized religions, even the twelve steps in various programs -- and not just one at a time, but usually all or most of these things at once. Even though these are all good tools, and I think they are still all important to my recovery and wellness, I think the second step is a reminder that I am not the one in charge -- and these tools are not all about me -- what I do, how I will make myself better if I just do all the right things. Ultimately it is God doing the restorative work within me -- and ONLY God. I am not in control. I am powerless. I am insane. There is something greater than me that can restore me to sanity -- whether it is God or the collective wisdom that emerges from all of us together in a meeting, a Higher Power OTHER than me.

The other thing that stood out to me from the sharing here was the idea that when whatever we are addicted to becomes our higher power, we progress in our disease, our insanity becomes worse. This caused me to reflect that when I make "finding true love" or a person with whom I think I'm in love my higher power, I do indeed get more insane. In fact, that's what finally got me locked up. But when I make God my higher power again -- by working the program and communicating daily with people in recovery who remind me to do this -- I am being gradually restored to sanity.

Anyway, thanks for the great shares. You've given me a lot to think about on a step I always took for granted as being second nature to me.

Heather