"Step 4 begins the growth steps of our journey. Here, we examine our behavior and expand our understanding of ourselves. The adventure of self-discovery begins with Step 4 and continues through Step 7. During these next four steps, we will prepare a personal inventory, share it with... [another person] , and invite God to remove our shortcomings. Being totally honest in preparing our inventory is vital to the self-discovery that forms the foundation of our recovery. It allows us to remove obstacles that have prevented us from knowing ourselves and truthfully acknowledging our deepest feelings...
"Step 4 helps us to get in touch with our 'shadow', that part of us that we have hidden away for so long - our repressed nature... This part of our nature hides our resentments, fears, and other repressed feelings. As we begin to see ourselves, we will learn to accept our whole character - the good and the bad. This acceptance will free us to discover survival behaviors that began in childhood. In the context of our turbulent years, these behaviors were lifesaving. However, their continuation into our adulthood renders us dysfunctional...
"Denial is a key survival skill that we learned early in childhood. It stunted our emotional growth by keeping us in a make-believe world. We often fantasized that our situation was better than it really was. Denial protected us from our feelings and helped us repress the pain of our family environment. Our shame and guilt caused us to be silent, rather than to be honest and face the fear of being ridiculed by others. This withdrawal hindered us from developing into mature, emotionally healthy adults. As our self-discovery unfolds, we begin to recognize the role that denial has played in our lives. This realization is the basis for our acceptance of the truth of our personal history...
"Resentment and fear are two issues that need to be dealt with before we can begin the process of preparing our inventory. Our resentment toward people, places, and things that have injured us keeps us preoccupied and limits our ability to live in the present...
"Fear limits our ability to be rational. When fear is present, it is difficult to see situations in their true perspective. Fear is the root of other repressive and painful feelings. It prevents us from expressing ourselves honestly and stops us from responding in appropriate ways to threatening situations. So to change our behavior, we must first face and accept our fears. By acknowledging our fearful nature, we can expect a temporary loss of self-esteem; fortunately, this will return as we become more willing to rely on our Higher Power...
"This task will be much easier if we just remember that God is with us. With God's help we can courageously review our strengths and our weaknesses...
"Step 4 gives us the opportunity to recognize that certain skills, acquired in childhood, may be inappropriate in our adult lives. Blaming others for our misfortunes, denying responsibility for hurtful behavior, and resisting the truth are behavior patterns we must discard. These behaviors were developed early in life and have become character defects. Our willingness to be honest about what we uncover will give us the clarity of mind that is vital for our continued recovery...
"The process of writing focuses our wandering thoughts and allows us to concentrate on what is really happening. It often causes repressed feelings to surface and gives us a deeper understanding of ourselves and our behavior. Our fearless moral inventory provides insights regarding our strengths and weaknesses. Instead of judging ourselves, we need to accept whatever it is that we discover, knowing that this discovery is merely another step toward a healthier life...
"Denial stems from our childhood environment, which we were unable to control. This was our way of dealing with the confusion, instability, and violence of the adults around us. We rationalized what was happening and invented acceptable reasons for their unacceptable behavior...As we matured, our denial continued to protect us from the need to face reality and helped us hide behind our delusions and fantasies...
"[Denial] has many faces and can be easily masked... Some recognizable forms are:
*Simple Denial: To pretend that something does not exist when it really does...
*Minimizing: To acknowledge a problem, but refuse to see its severity...
*Blaming: To recognize the problem, then blame someone else for its cause...
*Excusing: To offer excuses, alibis, justifications, and other explanations for our own or other's behavior...
*Generalizing: To deal with problems on a general level which typically avoids personal and emotional awareness of the situation or conditions...
*Dodging: To change the subject to avoid threatening topics...
*Attacking: To become angry and irritable when reference is made to the existing condition, thus avoiding the issue...
"As adults, we now can choose a different lifestyle for ourselves. We can learn to conduct ourselves in a way that is nurturing to us. As we look at our strengths and weaknesses, we will become aware of the areas of our lives that need to be strengthened. We will also see those areas in which we exhibit strength through our wise choices. We can use the inventory to decide which areas of our lives need changing, and which areas seem to be the way we want them to be...
"Facing our resentments and fears requires a great deal of courage. Our past tendency has been to shut down our feelings. Now we begin to look at areas of our lives that we have never explored before. It is important to realize that God is with us and will help us every step of our way. With God's help and understanding, the pain will diminish."
drheathrann said
Jan 7, 2005
I have done this step in other programs, but I am not ready yet in SLAA. I am wondering specifically as an ACA question what it means to do this step for those of us who have done a lot of work on these issues for years and years in therapy and other sorts of recovery support groups -- such as incest survivors' groups. I know it is going to be a new journey of discovery, even though I have done this sort of work before and feel like it has been an ongoing part of my life for more than twenty years. But I am learning that people with a long time in the program keep doing the steps over and over -- it isn't something linear that you complete after step 12. People tell me you keep going through the steps over and over, and it's different each time. I am learning this time around that the fourth step isn't all about confessing every sin I can possibly remember, beating myself up about every bad thing I have ever done or every good thing I've left undone. I'm hearing from people this time around, at least in SLAA, that the fourth step is an opportunity to uncover patterns -- such as the ACA book mentions, patterns of denial. Reading this ACA message about the fourth step helps me realize that EXCUSING is a form of denial and is a big pattern in my life. That will be a pattern I will have to look at carefully in my fourth step. I used to treat the fourth step as a private confessional between me and God. I always did it on my own. And for some reason, I could never progress beyond the fourth step. I believe now that I couldn't move on because I never REALLY did the fourth step and that personally, for me, I will never be able to work the fourth step until I have a sponsor. I'm not saying that is necessarily true for other people, but since I've tried this step so many times on my own and ended dropping out of programs afterward, I really think I need to do it differently this time. I believe my life depends on working this program -- because I began working the steps again when I was in a psychiatric ward -- the only alternative to committing suicide at that point. And I know the only things standing between me and that low point now and in the future is and will be my HP and actively working a twelve step program of recovery from my insanity.
NancyP said
Jan 9, 2005
Hi:
Is there a workbook for the Steps? I know that there is one for CoDA and was wondering if there was a specific one for ACA. Thanks - Nancy
amanda2u2 said
Jan 10, 2005
yes, there is a workbook - if you look at the book below, "The 12 Steps for Adult Children" they also have that one in workbook form, called, "The 12 Steps for Adult Children: A Way Out",,,, if I remember the title correctly. I used it and found it very helpful.
amanda
Gwen said
Jan 13, 2005
Dear Drheathrann,
Step four, for me, helped me to come up with a list of problems that were mine alone that I could work on. Problems come up and then I know that I need to go back and look at step four again and try to use step four to identify what my problem(s) is and then, for me, pray about it, and try to use the literature I have and the affirmations I write on the ACOA board in order to address the issue.
My new problem was leaning. I found that I had begun to lean on my friends for support too much and that for the sake of not harming valuable friendships that I had to pull back and be more self-reliant. ACOA's (which I am) tend to "love things and use people." I say that all the time, but I realized that I needed to be careful not to fall back into leaning because that can tax friendships, marriage, and my relationship with my children as well.
It is a continuous thing. Problems are the tip off for me. Guilt is a catalyst. I had gotten to feeling a little guilty that I didn't have more problems and then when I got one I didn't know how to handle it - back to steps.
Having a sponsor helps me because that's the first person I lean on and that person knows the troubles that can come from that and gave me a little jab recently. I realized I was crushing them and they were poking me like, "GET.....up... you..'re crush....ing....me." oops. Sorry! LOL
w/love Gwen
drheathrann said
Jan 14, 2005
Dear Gwen,
Thanks - This gives me a lot to think about. I'm not sure what loving things and using people means in my life, since I shut people out and have no close friends or family and have a problem delegating at work (I'm in management). If anything, people push me to be LESS self-reliant.... But I am sure this is some kind of problem I don't recognize yet.... Thanks
Heather
Gwen said
Jan 14, 2005
Dear Heather,
Loving things and using people for me meant that there were certain things that I needed human contact for - love, acceptance, help to move furniture - stuff like that. But I made better committments to things. I bought things that required lots of time and energy - things that kept me too busy for human contact. But when I needed a human I found one to "use." So my relationships were co-dependent. We didn't "want" each other as much as we needed each other. Because there was always a give an take going on someone always felt they'd given more than they'd gotten and resentments came and bad breakups and hurt.
But like you said, with problems - step four is about identifying them and finding creative ways to solve them. Mine is leaning and yours is what?.....not delegating? Both of those can be just as troubling. My family suffers because I need to be more self assured rather than depending on them to reassure me. It's a just another crutch. I need to get rid of it. Finding out that I need to makes me feel incredible guilt, too, but it's just another childhood thing coming out. It's not the end of the world. I was the youngest in my family and I didn't do anything right so it was the norm for someone to take my "responsibilities" away and handle them for me. God forbid I should make a mistake. I'm guilty, too, because I had a real hard time finally stepping down and just being the "glue person" when my kids did school projects. I wanted that "A," for them! Nice thought, bad outcome. Thank God for ACOA!!
take what you like and leave the rest,
w/love Gwen
amanda2u2 said
Jan 15, 2005
It might help to know that Step 4's inventory is also about taking stock of our positive qualities too. We need to work to change our negative attitudes and behaviors, but not to be negative about it. We also have good qualities, and for some of us these good qualities are hard for us to acknowledge, so we need to acknowledge them and build on them. I was soooo hard on myself the first time I did Step 4, I had already been used to being very perfectionistic and negative,,,, now I am working on recognizing the changes I have made since the first time... improvments that everyone notices... and be grateful. I have made progress, though not achieved perfection, and I acknowledge that I am grateful for the good qualities that I now have, and hope to keep on improving.
love in recovery,
amanda
drheathrann said
Jan 22, 2005
Thanks Gwen and Amanda for your insights. I still don't understand yet how not asking people for help is the same as using them, but as you both said, with more time in the program, I guess I will start to understand these things better.
From "The 12 Steps for Adult Children"
"Step 4 begins the growth steps of our journey. Here, we examine our behavior and expand our understanding of ourselves. The adventure of self-discovery begins with Step 4 and continues through Step 7. During these next four steps, we will prepare a personal inventory, share it with... [another person] , and invite God to remove our shortcomings. Being totally honest in preparing our inventory is vital to the self-discovery that forms the foundation of our recovery. It allows us to remove obstacles that have prevented us from knowing ourselves and truthfully acknowledging our deepest feelings...
"Step 4 helps us to get in touch with our 'shadow', that part of us that we have hidden away for so long - our repressed nature... This part of our nature hides our resentments, fears, and other repressed feelings. As we begin to see ourselves, we will learn to accept our whole character - the good and the bad. This acceptance will free us to discover survival behaviors that began in childhood. In the context of our turbulent years, these behaviors were lifesaving. However, their continuation into our adulthood renders us dysfunctional...
"Denial is a key survival skill that we learned early in childhood. It stunted our emotional growth by keeping us in a make-believe world. We often fantasized that our situation was better than it really was. Denial protected us from our feelings and helped us repress the pain of our family environment. Our shame and guilt caused us to be silent, rather than to be honest and face the fear of being ridiculed by others. This withdrawal hindered us from developing into mature, emotionally healthy adults. As our self-discovery unfolds, we begin to recognize the role that denial has played in our lives. This realization is the basis for our acceptance of the truth of our personal history...
"Resentment and fear are two issues that need to be dealt with before we can begin the process of preparing our inventory. Our resentment toward people, places, and things that have injured us keeps us preoccupied and limits our ability to live in the present...
"Fear limits our ability to be rational. When fear is present, it is difficult to see situations in their true perspective. Fear is the root of other repressive and painful feelings. It prevents us from expressing ourselves honestly and stops us from responding in appropriate ways to threatening situations. So to change our behavior, we must first face and accept our fears. By acknowledging our fearful nature, we can expect a temporary loss of self-esteem; fortunately, this will return as we become more willing to rely on our Higher Power...
"This task will be much easier if we just remember that God is with us. With God's help we can courageously review our strengths and our weaknesses...
"Step 4 gives us the opportunity to recognize that certain skills, acquired in childhood, may be inappropriate in our adult lives. Blaming others for our misfortunes, denying responsibility for hurtful behavior, and resisting the truth are behavior patterns we must discard. These behaviors were developed early in life and have become character defects. Our willingness to be honest about what we uncover will give us the clarity of mind that is vital for our continued recovery...
"The process of writing focuses our wandering thoughts and allows us to concentrate on what is really happening. It often causes repressed feelings to surface and gives us a deeper understanding of ourselves and our behavior. Our fearless moral inventory provides insights regarding our strengths and weaknesses. Instead of judging ourselves, we need to accept whatever it is that we discover, knowing that this discovery is merely another step toward a healthier life...
"Denial stems from our childhood environment, which we were unable to control. This was our way of dealing with the confusion, instability, and violence of the adults around us. We rationalized what was happening and invented acceptable reasons for their unacceptable behavior...As we matured, our denial continued to protect us from the need to face reality and helped us hide behind our delusions and fantasies...
"[Denial] has many faces and can be easily masked... Some recognizable forms are:
*Simple Denial: To pretend that something does not exist when it really does...
*Minimizing: To acknowledge a problem, but refuse to see its severity...
*Blaming: To recognize the problem, then blame someone else for its cause...
*Excusing: To offer excuses, alibis, justifications, and other explanations for our own or other's behavior...
*Generalizing: To deal with problems on a general level which typically avoids personal and emotional awareness of the situation or conditions...
*Dodging: To change the subject to avoid threatening topics...
*Attacking: To become angry and irritable when reference is made to the existing condition, thus avoiding the issue...
"As adults, we now can choose a different lifestyle for ourselves. We can learn to conduct ourselves in a way that is nurturing to us. As we look at our strengths and weaknesses, we will become aware of the areas of our lives that need to be strengthened. We will also see those areas in which we exhibit strength through our wise choices. We can use the inventory to decide which areas of our lives need changing, and which areas seem to be the way we want them to be...
"Facing our resentments and fears requires a great deal of courage. Our past tendency has been to shut down our feelings. Now we begin to look at areas of our lives that we have never explored before. It is important to realize that God is with us and will help us every step of our way. With God's help and understanding, the pain will diminish."
Hi:
Is there a workbook for the Steps? I know that there is one for CoDA and was wondering if there was a specific one for ACA. Thanks - Nancy
yes, there is a workbook - if you look at the book below, "The 12 Steps for Adult Children" they also have that one in workbook form, called, "The 12 Steps for Adult Children: A Way Out",,,, if I remember the title correctly. I used it and found it very helpful.
amanda
Dear Drheathrann,
Step four, for me, helped me to come up with a list of problems that were mine alone that I could work on. Problems come up and then I know that I need to go back and look at step four again and try to use step four to identify what my problem(s) is and then, for me, pray about it, and try to use the literature I have and the affirmations I write on the ACOA board in order to address the issue.
My new problem was leaning. I found that I had begun to lean on my friends for support too much and that for the sake of not harming valuable friendships that I had to pull back and be more self-reliant. ACOA's (which I am) tend to "love things and use people." I say that all the time, but I realized that I needed to be careful not to fall back into leaning because that can tax friendships, marriage, and my relationship with my children as well.
It is a continuous thing. Problems are the tip off for me. Guilt is a catalyst. I had gotten to feeling a little guilty that I didn't have more problems and then when I got one I didn't know how to handle it - back to steps.
Having a sponsor helps me because that's the first person I lean on and that person knows the troubles that can come from that and gave me a little jab recently. I realized I was crushing them and they were poking me like, "GET.....up... you..'re crush....ing....me." oops. Sorry! LOL
w/love Gwen
Dear Gwen,
Thanks - This gives me a lot to think about. I'm not sure what loving things and using people means in my life, since I shut people out and have no close friends or family and have a problem delegating at work (I'm in management). If anything, people push me to be LESS self-reliant.... But I am sure this is some kind of problem I don't recognize yet.... Thanks
Heather
Dear Heather,
Loving things and using people for me meant that there were certain things that I needed human contact for - love, acceptance, help to move furniture - stuff like that. But I made better committments to things. I bought things that required lots of time and energy - things that kept me too busy for human contact. But when I needed a human I found one to "use." So my relationships were co-dependent. We didn't "want" each other as much as we needed each other. Because there was always a give an take going on someone always felt they'd given more than they'd gotten and resentments came and bad breakups and hurt.
But like you said, with problems - step four is about identifying them and finding creative ways to solve them. Mine is leaning and yours is what?.....not delegating? Both of those can be just as troubling. My family suffers because I need to be more self assured rather than depending on them to reassure me. It's a just another crutch. I need to get rid of it. Finding out that I need to makes me feel incredible guilt, too, but it's just another childhood thing coming out. It's not the end of the world. I was the youngest in my family and I didn't do anything right so it was the norm for someone to take my "responsibilities" away and handle them for me. God forbid I should make a mistake. I'm guilty, too, because I had a real hard time finally stepping down and just being the "glue person" when my kids did school projects. I wanted that "A," for them! Nice thought, bad outcome. Thank God for ACOA!!
take what you like and leave the rest,
w/love Gwen
It might help to know that Step 4's inventory is also about taking stock of our positive qualities too. We need to work to change our negative attitudes and behaviors, but not to be negative about it. We also have good qualities, and for some of us these good qualities are hard for us to acknowledge, so we need to acknowledge them and build on them. I was soooo hard on myself the first time I did Step 4, I had already been used to being very perfectionistic and negative,,,, now I am working on recognizing the changes I have made since the first time... improvments that everyone notices... and be grateful. I have made progress, though not achieved perfection, and I acknowledge that I am grateful for the good qualities that I now have, and hope to keep on improving.
love in recovery,
amanda
Thanks Gwen and Amanda for your insights. I still don't understand yet how not asking people for help is the same as using them, but as you both said, with more time in the program, I guess I will start to understand these things better.
Peace,
Heather