Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. From - Pathways To Recovery - Al-Anons Twelve Steps, Traditions and Concepts. pg 53 (copyright 1997, by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Limited use by written permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.) Step Five reqiores honesty with ourselves and others. It was one thingto get the courage to list our deeds and misdeeds, our fears and resentments on a piece of paper: quite another to reveal them to another person. We sometmes hear in Al-Anon meetings that we are only as sick as our secrets. What goes on in alcoholic homes is often kept very private: many of us have been taught not to air our dirty laundry in public. In Step Five we begin to unburden ourselves of our secrets. Step Five does not ask us to show our faults to the whole world, but to our own hearts, to the God of our understanding and to a trusted friend. Step Five gives us permission to talk about things in a healthier manner, rather than make ourselves martyrs to anyone who comes along. Love to you all in Recovery - Dot Please share your thoughts and/or questions on Step Five.

I have shared openly about things that happened in the madness of my alcoholic home from the time it was happening until today. I have shared these things in thirty years of therapy (on and off) and various twelve step and recovery programs, especially incest survivor support groups and other small groups, and even with pastors and spiritual directors and mentors.... But I know that somehow this is different. I can only affirm that secrets are like poison, toxic, they fester and spread like venom through my life and being if I don't let them out, air them in the light of day -- with someone trustworthy and safe. That last part has been part of the learning process -- not just blurting all this sensational stuff out in a small group or with people who aren't prepared to handle it.... Thank you for sharing on the fifth step.

The 5th step for me was very freeing. I had made a lot of bad choices while living with alcoholism and came to the program with a lot of guilt and shame. Looking at these things myself was one thing - and God knew it all - but to tell it to someone else took me a long time. My growth was stalled for several years until I was finally able to share my 4th step with my sponsor. I finally felt the freedom that sharing my secrets gave me. I no longer was afraid you'd find out who I really was. You knew me now and you still loved me and you were still my friend. Sharing this with my sponsor helped me realize who I had become living with alcoholism - I was not a bad person - I was someone affected by a cunning, baffling and powerful disease. When we were finished, my sponsor sent me home to prepare for my 6th step. I felt like I was walking on a cloud - really free. Love - Dot

Dot,

Thanks for posting Step 5.  I'll echo what you said.  Sharing Step 4 with my sponsor -- my fears, weaknesses and strengths -- was freeing.  Telling another person about my innermost thoughts set them free.  Living in an alcoholic environment led me to keep so many secrets.  I portrayed the "perfect" life to the outside world, all the while my homelife was scary, confusing and completely chaotic.  I couldn't reconcile both worlds and most of the time felt I was living a dual life.  I was very much out of touch with reality.  Not only did my husband keep telling me I was crazy, I actually felt crazy -- most of the time.

For many years I thought "what if I'm as crazy as my husband tells me I am.  I'd better not let anyone know how I truly feel or they'll think I'm crazy, too."  Step 5 helped me to see my situation for what it was, not what I was making up in my mind.  I wasn't crazy.  Sick and affected by alcoholism?  Most definitely.

Today, there isn't such a clash between my homelife and my "public" life.  I'm still a private person and don't share my problems with everyone who comes along.  However, I've learned to develop close relationships with a few trusted people whom I can trust when I need to talk. Without Alanon and taking the chance to open up to another person, I might still be living with the made-up stories in my head instead of living a peaceful, joyful, hopeful life of recovery.

Peace,

Jane

Step 5 -  First is admitting to God the nature of my wrongs.  Second, admitting to myself what I have done wrong, to face those things squarely.  At this point, I do not have to do anything but face my past actions.  After this base work, I need to take this up another level and share it with my sponsor. 

As I share, I need to take care that I am not denying or excusing my wrongs.  What I need to do is understand and accept what I have done, making a concentrated effort to grow and to change that which needs to be changed in myself.  Thru this exercise, I need to search what basic fear or need led me to behave in the manner I did in the particular circumstance I am addressing.

I need to remind myself this is not an exercise in condemning myself but in understanding the exact nature of my wrongs...to seek out those defence mechanisms that used to serve me well at one point in my life but are now hampering my ability to live happily and serenely.

In Al-Anon I am learning patience with human frailties, my own and those of others.  I am learning what my part is and has been in the chaos created by this powerful disease called alcoholism.  I am learning to focus on myself and to take care of myself at ALL times, in every circumstance.  I am learning to detach with love from those issues that are not my responsibility.  A real "biggy" for me was learning that before Al-Anon I was a very judgemental person.  I could condemn myself for being this way, but I "choose" not to do this.  Awareness is the key..."when you know better, you do better."

I am not where I need to be, but thanks to HP (God) and Al-Anon, I am NOT where I used to be.

Yours in recovery - Shimo (Jeri)