From: Courage to Change - p 311 (copyright 1992, by Al-Anon Group Headquarters, Inc. Limited use by express written permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.)
" For me the exact nature of our wrongs is the unspoken, self-defeating assumptions that give rise to my thoughts and actions. These include notions that my best is not good enough, that I am not worthy of love, and that I have been hurt too deeply to ever really heal. If I dig deeply enough, I usually find thoughts such as these beneath the things I feel worst about. I am learning to examine whether or not there is any truth to these assumptions. Then I can begin to build my life around a more realistic, more loving way of seeing myself.
Living with alcoholism has taken a huge toll on my self-esteem. As a result, I may not recognize how many of my wrongs are built upon a faulty sense of self. That is why the Fifth Step is so enlightening and so cleansing. "
lloll Vickyr x
Patch said
Feb 16, 2009
Thank you for sharing this. I also find that it is hard for me to think of myself as worthy to be loved. I have been crying out on the inside since I was a child ... some one just love me!!!!
To try and fill that need I have done some really insane things. I am just now coming to an understanding of my God sized hole.
Vicky R said
Feb 28, 2009
thanks for that Patch very expressive. I like the idea , as if HP was like a mssing piece of jigsw. I thought of it more like a me-sized space! Hopefully the programme can restore me to both
lloll Vickr x
Jerry F said
Mar 1, 2009
Aloha Family...
It was very healing for me to get to finally get to know just who in the heck I was using the 4th and then 5th steps as tools. Admitting to myself and the other two guys as required confirmed suspicions about the good in me and the worse in me. There are no excuses anymore for my behavior and as an early fellow in the program once told me after a 4th step meeting, "After tonight we cannot say, Forgive me for what I have done. We will have to say forgive me for what I am about to do." Thanks for your ESHs.
(((((hugs)))))
Dave Harm said
Apr 9, 2009
When I finally reached the fifth step of AA, I had reached a point where I needed to share my evil past with a living, breathing human being. I needed to acknowledge my past, accept responsibility for it and find hope for the future. I don't mean for this to sound self-centered but the fifth step of AA was entirely about me.
I mention this because the fifth step of AA would be a lot easier taking - than the fifth step of CODA. With AA everything was about my defects of character and while the fifth step of CODA would list these same defects of character, the only way for me to do this fifth step was to involve another person - the person I was addicted too.
For me to say that I was irresponsible was easy but having to show how I was irresponsible was more difficult. An example would be that the person I was addicted to was caught stealing and barred from a store. I made stories up about why we didn't shop in that store anymore. In fact, the story grew to the point that it was my fault we didn't shop there anymore.
My point is that by doing the fifth step of CODA I was finally letting go of every secret that kept me from being the person I was meant to be. I believe with every fiber in my body that every alcoholic and every addict is a co-dependent.
And for recovery to move forward this issue must be dealt with. For the co-dependent that means not only dealing with the guilt but going deeper by dealing with the shame. Early in my recovery, I was introduced to an author who changed my life. His name is John Bradshaw who recently celebrated his 42nd year of sobriety.
Bradshaw was the one who taught me the difference between shame and guilt. I had a lot of guilt for the things I did, but it was the shame that led to my co-dependency issues. With guilt, I knew I made a mistake. And I also knew I could correct it. But shame was deeper. With shame, I believed I was a mistake. There was no way for me "to feel better", because I was no good.
It was because of shame that I constantly sought approval of others, even at the risk of damaging myself.
But that would begin to change when I did my fifth step. I began to realize that I wasn't a bad person. It was my addiction and co-dependency that made me make horrible choices. By completing the fifth step I knew how sick I was. I knew that I had a disease, which I could manage, with the help of my Higher Power, one day at a time. There isn't any chance at a saner tomorrow without dealing with our past. Serenity begins to enter our life after the fifth step. By telling the truth to another human being, we experience true humility for the first time. With this humility came spirituality and a new sense of purpose.
By recognizing my co-dependency I began the lifelong practice of self-love. Love is a choice. And up to this point I chose not to love myself.
-- Edited by Dave Harm on Thursday 9th of April 2009 09:56:04 PM
Vicky R said
Apr 13, 2009
thankyou all for your very advanced level contributions to this topic! good stuff for newcomers to read too.
From: Courage to Change - p 311 (copyright 1992, by Al-Anon Group Headquarters, Inc. Limited use by express written permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.)
" For me the exact nature of our wrongs is the unspoken, self-defeating assumptions that give rise to my thoughts and actions. These include notions that my best is not good enough, that I am not worthy of love, and that I have been hurt too deeply to ever really heal. If I dig deeply enough, I usually find thoughts such as these beneath the things I feel worst about. I am learning to examine whether or not there is any truth to these assumptions. Then I can begin to build my life around a more realistic, more loving way of seeing myself.
Living with alcoholism has taken a huge toll on my self-esteem. As a result, I may not recognize how many of my wrongs are built upon a faulty sense of self. That is why the Fifth Step is so enlightening and so cleansing. "
lloll Vickyr x
To try and fill that need I have done some really insane things. I am just now coming to an understanding of my God sized hole.
thanks for that Patch very expressive. I like the idea , as if HP was like a mssing piece of jigsw. I thought of it more like a me-sized space! Hopefully the programme can restore me to both
lloll Vickr x
Aloha Family...
It was very healing for me to get to finally get to know just who in the heck I was
using the 4th and then 5th steps as tools. Admitting to myself and the other two
guys as required confirmed suspicions about the good in me and the worse in me.
There are no excuses anymore for my behavior and as an early fellow in the
program once told me after a 4th step meeting, "After tonight we cannot say,
Forgive me for what I have done. We will have to say forgive me for what I am
about to do." Thanks for your ESHs.
(((((hugs)))))
I mention this because the fifth step of AA would be a lot easier taking - than the fifth step of CODA. With AA everything was about my defects of character and while the fifth step of CODA would list these same defects of character, the only way for me to do this fifth step was to involve another person - the person I was addicted too.
For me to say that I was irresponsible was easy but having to show how I was irresponsible was more difficult. An example would be that the person I was addicted to was caught stealing and barred from a store. I made stories up about why we didn't shop in that store anymore. In fact, the story grew to the point that it was my fault we didn't shop there anymore.
My point is that by doing the fifth step of CODA I was finally letting go of every secret that kept me from being the person I was meant to be. I believe with every fiber in my body that every alcoholic and every addict is a co-dependent.
And for recovery to move forward this issue must be dealt with. For the co-dependent that means not only dealing with the guilt but going deeper by dealing with the shame. Early in my recovery, I was introduced to an author who changed my life. His name is John Bradshaw who recently celebrated his 42nd year of sobriety.
Bradshaw was the one who taught me the difference between shame and guilt. I had a lot of guilt for the things I did, but it was the shame that led to my co-dependency issues. With guilt, I knew I made a mistake. And I also knew I could correct it. But shame was deeper. With shame, I believed I was a mistake. There was no way for me "to feel better", because I was no good.
It was because of shame that I constantly sought approval of others, even at the risk of damaging myself.
But that would begin to change when I did my fifth step. I began to realize that I wasn't a bad person. It was my addiction and co-dependency that made me make horrible choices. By completing the fifth step I knew how sick I was. I knew that I had a disease, which I could manage, with the help of my Higher Power, one day at a time. There isn't any chance at a saner tomorrow without dealing with our past. Serenity begins to enter our life after the fifth step. By telling the truth to another human being, we experience true humility for the first time. With this humility came spirituality and a new sense of purpose.
By recognizing my co-dependency I began the lifelong practice of self-love. Love is a choice. And up to this point I chose not to love myself.
-- Edited by Dave Harm on Thursday 9th of April 2009 09:56:04 PM
thankyou all for your very advanced level contributions to this topic! good stuff
for newcomers to read too.
lloll Vickyr x