When I came to Al-Anon I didn't want to admit I was powerless over anything and surely my life was not unmanageable. I didn't want to hear the word God either but I felt better when I left so I kept coming back.
You told me that whether the a drank or not it was not my business and I couldn't "fix" him no atter how hard I tried. This finally got through to me when I realized I had been trying to "fix" him for a lot of years and nothing had worked - all I had done was lose myself - and yes my life was unmanageable - all I could tell you for sure was what the a was doing.
I took little steps to start changing. I stopped counting his drinks - I found things to do - maybe I only cleaned out a drawer but I started accomplishing something and taking my eyes off the a.
I tried to stop reacting and when I didn't react we didn't fight. If the hurtful words started I sometimes left the house and called my sponsor and she reminded me that it was the disease talking and try not to take it personally. It was really the way he felt about himself.
I stopped waiting up. Instead I took a nice long bubble bath and read my ODAT book and went to bed. Sometimes I could go to sleep sometimes not but I felt better and didn't get up when he came home. I also kept books in the bathroom so I could go in and close the door when I needed to.
As our literature says - when I got busy I got better. I started taking care of myself.
I didn't get better all at once in fact I'm stll getting better after a lot of 24 hours but I know that I can't change any other person place or thing and if I try to my life become unmanageable - one more time - and I go back to this step.
Love nd hugs - Dot
free2bme said
May 25, 2005
I first began going to alanon because I realized the impact my father's drinking had on me. I married (and divorced an alcoholic also). I found a great parent's group that showed me what my unmanageable life was doing to me as a parent. I semi-regularly read alanon literature and haven't officially done the steps; although the entire concept has helped me immensely.
I have since found out (about 18 months ago) that my husband was sexually abused by several people as a child and am realizing the impact that is currently having on myself, my marriage, and my children. I am back in alanon and plan to WORK THE STEPS. I know that it won't be easy, that's why it's called work.
So, here's my unmanagable life: I realize that my first marriage to an alcoholic was mimicing issues I had with my biological father (whom I haven't had contact with since I was 9). Six months ago I found out that my step-father (who is very controlling) was molested as a child. It was very frightening to find out that my second marriage is to my "step father's issues". I love my husband and want this relationship to work but am having a difficult time with the fact that he doesn't think his abuse impacts him now. He is very controlling without even realizing it.
We are guardians of two of my husband's sister's children (who was also sexually abused). I have two children from my first marriage and a 2 year old with my husband. He can easily show affection to our son, but can't to the my two children or his neices. My husband and I have been together for 15 years; I am utterly confused and concerned. Behaviors that I thought were "just the way he was" I am now learning are very related to his upbringing. I feel torn because we have a two year old who needs his parents and two neices that we are responsible for....they desparately need love and affection as well. My two oldest children have moved out. What is the right thing for me?
I first began going to alanon because I realized the impact my father's drinking had on me. I married (and divorced an alcoholic also). I found a great parent's group that showed me what my unmanageable life was doing to me as a parent. I semi-regularly read alanon literature and haven't officially done the steps; although the entire concept has helped me immensely.
I have since found out (about 18 months ago) that my husband was sexually abused by several people as a child and am realizing the impact that is currently having on myself, my marriage, and my children. I am back in alanon and plan to WORK THE STEPS. I know that it won't be easy, that's why it's called work.
So, here's my unmanagable life: I realize that my first marriage to an alcoholic was mimicing issues I had with my biological father (whom I haven't had contact with since I was 9). Six months ago I found out that my step-father (who is very controlling) was molested as a child. It was very frightening to find out that my second marriage is to my "step father's issues". I love my husband and want this relationship to work but am having a difficult time with the fact that he doesn't think his abuse impacts him now. He is very controlling without even realizing it.
We are guardians of two of my husband's sister's children (who was also sexually abused). I have two children from my first marriage and a 2 year old with my husband. He can easily show affection to our son, but can't to the my two children or his neices. My husband and I have been together for 15 years; I am utterly confused and concerned. Behaviors that I thought were "just the way he was" I am now learning are very related to his upbringing. I feel torn because we have a two year old who needs his parents and two neices that we are responsible for....they desparately need love and affection as well. My two oldest children have moved out. What is the right thing for me?
Thanks for listening.....