I am new to this site and looking for some encouragement.  I have been to meetings and 12 step programs in the past (15 yrs ago) but got away from it all and sure enough starting sipping white wine before meals, here I am 3 years later and that demon shows up unannounced.  I have been to lots of functions and have abstained, feel convinced I don't have a problem and about 3 or 4 functions later find myself quite intoxicated, feeling hungover, lonely and depressed the next day.  The frequency doesn't seem to be a problem but the quantity definitely is.  I just hate this struggle, so bottom line .. I am way happier when I abstain, just don't know why I pick it up.  (B/c I love that first hit - that first glass). How do I talk myself out it?  I don't know what I say to myself to justify it - to trade off my serenity for that first hit!!  which of course doesn't stop there - so the voice in my head keeps telling me I can drink safely.

When I surrendered to my illness I admitted that I was an alcoholic. But for me, I needed more then that. It came about with a strong foundation in the first three steps and with that came acceptance. And acceptance for me was the key missing ingredient in my recovery. With acceptance came the belief that one drink, one sip, was way to much for me. I used to have the voices in my head and they eventually beat me. I threw away over five years of sobriety because I listened to those voices. Those voices wouldn't let me have any acceptance to my disease. It told me I could control it and really enjoy that first drink without any problems. Boy, was that voice wrong! Like I said, for me, the key is acceptance - one drink is way to much. Non-alcoholics can do I can't. It used to make me feel jealous and put me on a pity-pot. Now I just accept it.

I think the tape playing in my head needs to be destroyed and replaced with truth!! Truth will set me free. I have got to go through this door and confront this demon!!

What I find helps for me, though everyone has their way to recovery. What I find works for me is not buying the beer, if it is my home I will drink it. I will say many times I am not going to drink, then I do because the booze is in my home. I have to get rid of all booze, to stay clean and sober, otherwise it won't happen. I can't go to a bar, or I will drink beer. If I stay away from it, I can't get to a drink, then I can't drink. The voice in my head says I can drink to and that is ok, but I know it is not. I think a few beers won't hurt and besides I have a problem with it, so I just need to slow down. I can handle this, but really I can't. My head plays a lot of tricks on me, saying all good reasons for me to drink and I believe it, so I can get my buzz fix. I just keep praying and I will keep coming here to this message board, reading people's post and posting myself. One drink too many and a thousand never enough. I heard that in AA meetings a lot when I used to go and it's true for me. I try to talk myself out of it to, the only thing I can do is not have the beer, or vodka in the house. I know easy said then done because if you really want to drink, you just go buy it. For me I keep praying to God, that I do not go to the store and buy liquor. Also what might help some is spend the money you would for booze, on something you want and don't leave yourself enough money to buy drinks. Make it hard to get to booze. I know this is not easy and I still have problems myself but I do know i had 2 years clean, when I decided not to have beer in the house, but once I bought it, there was no stopping me. I drank it all. I do not go to bars anymore because I can't smoke, so as long as I keep liquor out of my home, well i can only pray I will get some clean time.