Hi, I would appreciate your advice or suggestions on my issue.

I've been in a fellowship for about 6 months and have been doing well, starting to find my own voice and deepening my relationship with my Higher Power.
A potential conflict has arisen with my father and it has led me into questioning my Higher Power (maybe I'm projecting a negligent parent onto HP?)
Now I'm thinking well where was my Higher Power each time something bad and abusive happened to me, how could HP let that happen?
And does the fact that these things happened actually mean HP can't be trusted or maybe isn't even there?
I am really struggling and would like to know has anyone else felt the same and what did they do in this situation.

Thanks

I cant rely on what I understand. When a person starts to have HP, the opposite (Satan) always combats with your thoughts. If you are new it will happen often. Hang in there and if you stay with HP the other side will back off. Until the next time you are weak. This is just "my" understanding and I cant give advice.

Thanks Lu Ann

Hiya Katie in Dublin - I guess today is pretty glum there with the funeral of Steven Gately eh?  I am Avril in South Yorkshire England, good to see you here.  You are in a place where I stayed for 7 years in and out of AA, wondering what this God or Higher Power thing was all about, and I so identify with that, 'Well, why did all the bad stuff happen to me even when I DID pray to something I didn't understand or believe in my life sucked'

I'm sorry to say I cannot give you any answers right away, but I can assure you that whatever your conception of a Higher Power is, you can be sure that we have to go through life problems in order to grow, and bad times help me to appreciate the good times.

Also, my doubting faith held me back in sobriety (I got sober July 11th 1990) because I often became so wrapped up in the problem, I didn't recognise the signs from God.  It's not something I can explain right here and now, but if it will help, you can email or PM me, I still don't have the answers, but it might help to talk it through with a few people in recovery.  Start posting on the main board http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?aBID=42735&p=1  and you will get lots of response, this board s mostly for the stepwork in AA, the main board is a more general discussion forum, and you wil find lots of help there.

Welcome to HMS Recovery. 

Thanks very much to you both Avril G and Sobrietyspell - I really appreciate your responses My crisis has passed or least calmed down a bit - I have to remember that human beings all have free will and and that these things were done by human beings. Yes, I did survive and maybe that was thanks to HP. Thanks again and thanks for the link to the main board K

I too question that "How can God allow abuse?" I nave learned that He doesnt, sometimes I have to look within, sometimes I see that If I continue to let the suffering to continue in myself, I am actually allowing that person to abuse me mentally. If you tell God you forgive that person because s/he knows not what s/he does. That allows God to work on both you and s/he. If you dont release that person, s/he will be held in bondage a God cat work.

Glad you are over this blip, Kate, another step in the right direction. I was told by my sponsor to keep a daily journal, and in particular write exacty how I felt AFTER a bad episode of life lessons. It does help, especially the next time I get in a funk, I can look back and see why I went through a problem and HOW I went through it, and what it felt like afterwards. Without exception, I can say that every problem I went through in recovery made me stronger. I also keep a record of my 'sobriety bank account' all the good times go in the bank, so that when the bad times come, I am well in credit, so can withdraw from the sobriety bank. This is an incredible journey, I am privieged to be just another bozo on the bus, travelling together and learning together.

Whenever I run into difficulties with relationships I asked myself the following questions 1)  What did I allow, create, or promote?

and, usually I can find the answer.

Hi Kate,

just that HP doesn't have to be a God. Its about looking at what we believe in already and seeing if that can be improved on. Some people believe in nature. Some people believe in the fellowship. The programme asks us to find something loving and gentle to believe in. That will be forgiving and nourishing to us. If something terrible has happened sometimes this only works by trying to give recovery to someone else in the same boat. But within the protection of the programme so that we don't get drained in the old ways.

litf lloll Vickyr

I questioned that myself early in recovery. And I came to accept that the God I had as a child/young adult would nt be the Higher Power I would have in recovery. I gave up questioning, "Where were You?" and just let him go. He didn't want me and I didn't need him. So, I went on a journey and found a Higher Power that I could respect, trust, and love... because She showed me the same thing.

Hi everyone, thanks very much for your answers - I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I like the idea of the 'speed bump' journal - Avril I'd be interested in hearing more about your sobriety bank account, it sounds good! Cocoa - I agree with what you say about adult relationships and see where you are going with the question of personal responsibility but some of those things I was angry and grieving over happened when I was a child and as far as I am concerned the concept doesn't apply in that case. Lu Ann - I appreciate what you are saying about forgiveness, actually I was furious not at the people who did those things but at God for letting it happen. But through talking to my sponsor and other people I'm trying to get to a place where I accept that I am powerless over other people and that these people have free will. Another friend told me that you can't forgive until you get angry at the person. I think my anger just got displaced onto my idea of HP. And the gift in that experience was seeing that - and as Dave and Vicky said maybe the point is about re-imagining my Higher Power. So thanks everyone - this is a really nice forum and I truly appreciate the fellowship.

Thanks for sharing a little more.  When I speak in terms of what did I allow - for me it meant how long was I going to allow the wrongs of others to dictate my future; After additional therapy outside of the program.  I realize that my stalker (past) still had a lot of power over my inability to have a fulfilling life.   My past served as a great asset but it also became a liability because I allowed it to.  Another book that helped me so very much was "When Bad Things Happen to Good People".

Dave - that is what happen for me.  What I believe about my HP as a child is not what I believe today.  And, it works for me.  For years I worshipped the God of tradition, of other peoples opinion.  The idea of changing what I believed about my HP has worked for me and continues to work today.

Thanks Cocoa - I understand a bit more too about what you are saying now; it looks like I misunderstood what you were saying before. Being stalked by the past is actually a very good way of putting it. My sponsor says 'You are not responsible for the wounds of your childhood but you are responsible for healing the wounds of your childhood' I'll look up that book too - thanks for the suggestion!

Hi Kate, A couple things I'd like to mention that might make some sense of all this. When I was first confronted with the willingness to accept a higher power. I had trouble with this because I felt the Catholic religion I had grown up in had some views that I didn't like and I wondered about all the wars that were created in the name of religion. I had to only become willing to accept the possibility of a higher power (or God, whatever you are more comfortable with) to follow the steps. The steps are designed to get results of out practice, not blind faith. Prayer and conscious contact with our HP can be done as long as our true heartfelt feelings are behind it. Now that I truly believe there is something helping me, I have come to some conclusions and made more room for the full leap of faith in my belief. I believe that our HP is only accessible to those who seek him/her. For this reason, all of these bad things that have happened to us by other people are done by those who are also sick. I've done many things to people, some I didn't even mean to, that were brought to my attention through the steps. Once I've seen how sick I was, I can work on living with, and eventually removing, my resentment of others. By seeing those who have harmed me as being ill and accepting that my HP can be accessed for comfort and to remove my flaws of character (namely my deep resentments towards these people). The kind of things that happen to people as children are not easily forgiven but with prayer can diminish in time. The other thing is a poem that was brought to me by a convicted murdered who has turned to the steps and handed his will over to his HP. It made some sense to me as I thought about the fact that I was still able to become well today (even through my hardships) and in seeing we can't expect people to always treat us right but we can handle the way we deal with their actions differently. One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD. When the last scene of his life flashed before him he looked back, at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it: "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The LORD replied: "My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you, During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." -Footprints in the Sand by Mary Stevenson Best of luck to you in your path to wellness, -Ryan

Things are going well for me. My mom has not been drinking. But this posting spoke to me and my own struggle with a higher power