"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-- that our lives had become unmanageable."
I used to think that the occasions on which I could exhibit some small amount of control over my drinking and using was proof that I was NOT powerless over alcohol and substances. For instance, if I went a night or two without a drink, then that proved to me that I did have some control over drinking, and that I wasn't an alcoholic. Or "look at me, I'm only having two glasses of wine with dinner tonight. Alcoholics can't control their drinking that way-- I can't be alcoholic."
When I look at the whole of my drinking career, I can see that in between those periods of controlled drinking were many times where I drank way more and got way out of hand. I can see where my "out of control" drinking episodes were always there, from the early teen years on-- drinking until I threw up, drinking until I blacked out, drinking and driving dangerously, drinking and emotionally bingeing-- these were things that happened with some regularity all along.
I can also see that, over the years, I drank more and more secretively-- that at times when I wanted to "pose" as a social drinker, I was actually sneaking more drinks to get more buzzed than others would know. For instance, after a beer at a ballgame, going to "use the bathroom and get another beer" meant going to get TWO beers and downing the first one before I got back to my seat. Or at home, alternating sips of that first or second glass of wine in the living room with sips of 100 proof schnapps in a secret, hidden place-- not sips, GULPS.
When I look at my drinking years total, I can see that those out of control episodes were not only always there, but they were happening closer and closer together. In the last 3 years, I have blacked out way more, I have driven impaired way more. I also started drinking in the morning. I no longer woke up hungover after night drinking, just still drunk from the night before. And then it was so easy to just continue drinking-- "I might as well, I'm still drunk, anyway."
Efforts to control the amount stopped working once I started-- I would tell myself that I would buy the pint tonight and only drink half of it, and save the other half for tomorrow night, only to wake up and find the pint almost empty, and just drain it in the morning, drinking the rest before work.
But because I may not have had anything to drink the following night, because I was tired or didn't feel well, I told myself that that was a good sign-- I was controlling my drinking, which an alcoholic could NOT do. By the end, in the last 3 years, I can see how exponentially my drinking increased, how much more I was blacking out, how much more danger I was putting myself in, how much more often I was causing my husband concern. I wet the bed once, I blacked out on the way home once at the wheel and got very lost at 3 a.m. I sleepwalked the night before our wedding, which I have no memory of.
I can see that the disease had been progressing all along, slowly at first, and then in the last 3 years the deterioration of any control I thought I had was speeding up.
The dishonesty with myself and others, too, regarding my drinking was really getting out of control. The sneaking of drinks, the lying about drinking, the smuggling of bottles into the house and at work, the hiding of bottles at home and in the car-- all were happening many times a week toward the end. Maybe there were periods of time where I could limit or control the amount of alcohol I consumed, or abstain altogether, but I can see today that once I eventually drank to excess again, I had very little control over my behavior. And reviewing the whole of my drinking career, I see that I had absolutely no control over the progression of my drinking, its increasing severity and its damaging consequences.
I am powerless over the progression of my alcoholism because, when I am in the thick of it, and actively engaged in it, I delude myself into thinking that it's really not that bad, that I am in control and it's ok. But when I review it with a sober mind, I see how I was getting worse and worse the whole time. Drinking only a couple of nights a week turned into almost every night. Drinking only beer and wine turned into vodka and 100 proof schnapps. Drinking in the morning. Drinking at work. Drinking while driving. Drinking in public.
I was getting progressively worse the whole time, and until I went back to AA and admitted I needed help, there wasn't anything I could do of my own will to halt the progression of my alcoholism. The best I could do toward the end would be to stay away from booze for a day because I had way too much the night before and wasn't feeling well-- maybe two days tops. In the long run, alcohol had way more power over me than I had over it, and I lied to myself the whole time so I could continue to drink-- and I did so more and more. A small part of me knew it was bad and that I would eventually have to end up here-- I put it off and put it off, hoping I would still be able to drink sometimes because I couldn't see myself without it-- I didn't want to admit defeat.
But what kind of power and control did I have over alcohol? Over my alcoholism? Ultimately very little to none. Powerless. I am powerless over alcohol because it is stronger than my will-- it makes me sicker than I want to be, less honest than I want to be, less capable than I want to be, less responsible than I want to be. It's turned me into something I don't want to be anymore. And it's been leading me down a road that, from what I can see now, will lead to worse and worse consequences: DWI's, marital strain and conflict, health problems, maybe a car accident, more social embarrassments and friends who don't want to be my friend anymore.
Any power I thought I had over alcohol was and is a total illusion. It wasn't real power.
I admit it-- I'm powerless over alcohol, and if I didn't start going to Alcoholics Anonymous and following the suggestions, there's no way I'd be 21 days sober. Not after how much and how frequently I'd been drinking the past few years. No way.
Michael
-- Edited by itsmichael on Friday 16th of April 2010 12:34:07 PM
-- Edited by itsmichael on Friday 16th of April 2010 12:34:33 PM
tlcate said
May 4, 2010
Hello Michael,
Thank you so much for your share. It was wonderful and a great reminder for me.
Tricia
Jerry F said
May 4, 2010
Thanks Michael for that experience. As I read it I thought about my own journey and how I got to admitting I was powerless over alcohol. The powerlessness came in several layers for me...being powerless over the bottle, my wife's drinking anyone elses desire to have too much...including now yours. The step sounded more reasonable in mismanagement than the chemical and then...
The other side of the story was my own drinking and my relationship with my alcoholic family. I had no question about my own drinking because my family had no question about it and after any given drinking event Jerry F was still standing, talking, cleaning up, settling arguements, dragging people off to bed and much much more. "You are not a drunk because you never go down" is what they have repeated over the years and that became my rational until I needed to know more and went to college on the subject and did a deeper study. I had no idea why my skin was a yellowish green color 5 years after I had stopped drinking in Al-Anon. (Perhaps my good Catholic mother had an affair with an Oriental man?...how long did I consider this...years). I had no idea that in order to get the same effect as other drinkers I had to over dose and still would drop without the feeling. There was more and in college I found the me alcoholic in the information of the chemically tolerant person. I came to understand why either alcohol or drugs I had to carry a much heavier load in order to be a part of. 5 years alcohol free and not in AA my skin cleared up and other abnormal stuff started to happen as my body and mind started to change back toward a more "normal" state.
My alcoholic wife chased my drinking. She wanted to be able to drink like me and thank God for both of us we both finally arrived at stop completely. Nine years after I stopped drinking and as a result of my own assessment with alcohol I went into AA for me (I had gone to meetings as a part of the recovery community and I was a counselor at this time). The intake nurse at the hospital I worked at advised "Who ever belongs to this assessment (anonymous) needs to be in inpatient therapy immediately or the next time they drink they die." I have never known when that next drink would come and that is why I'm in AA.
-- Edited by itsmichael on Friday 16th of April 2010 12:34:07 PM
-- Edited by itsmichael on Friday 16th of April 2010 12:34:33 PM
Thank you so much for your share. It was wonderful and a great reminder for me.
Tricia
Thanks Michael for that experience. As I read it I thought about my own journey
and how I got to admitting I was powerless over alcohol. The powerlessness
came in several layers for me...being powerless over the bottle, my wife's drinking
anyone elses desire to have too much...including now yours. The step sounded
more reasonable in mismanagement than the chemical and then...
The other side of the story was my own drinking and my relationship with my alcoholic
family. I had no question about my own drinking because my family had no question
about it and after any given drinking event Jerry F was still standing, talking, cleaning
up, settling arguements, dragging people off to bed and much much more. "You are
not a drunk because you never go down" is what they have repeated over the years
and that became my rational until I needed to know more and went to college on the
subject and did a deeper study. I had no idea why my skin was a yellowish green
color 5 years after I had stopped drinking in Al-Anon. (Perhaps my good Catholic
mother had an affair with an Oriental man?...how long did I consider this...years).
I had no idea that in order to get the same effect as other drinkers I had to over
dose and still would drop without the feeling. There was more and in college I found
the me alcoholic in the information of the chemically tolerant person. I came to
understand why either alcohol or drugs I had to carry a much heavier load in order
to be a part of. 5 years alcohol free and not in AA my skin cleared up and other
abnormal stuff started to happen as my body and mind started to change back
toward a more "normal" state.
My alcoholic wife chased my drinking. She wanted to be able to drink like me and
thank God for both of us we both finally arrived at stop completely. Nine years
after I stopped drinking and as a result of my own assessment with alcohol I went
into AA for me (I had gone to meetings as a part of the recovery community and
I was a counselor at this time). The intake nurse at the hospital I worked at advised
"Who ever belongs to this assessment (anonymous) needs to be in inpatient therapy
immediately or the next time they drink they die." I have never known when that
next drink would come and that is why I'm in AA.
Grateful