After looking at the evidence of my 1st and 2nd step I had a question supported by the rooms of Al-Anon. I was given the definition of insanity as, "doing the same things over and over expecting different results." That was a very accurate definition and I was very very sick from trying to force life and life with a practicing alcoholic to ebb and flow as I wished. The "minime" god that I was, was a miserable failure and I had nothing left except a life that would continue until I ended it and still I had prior intent that had not succeeded either. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
When I made the decision I cried but not so much cried as I shook in fear because I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what to do, how it would come out, would it work, would I feel safe and secure and loved. I didn't know anything but the fear...that one I was use to on a daily basis also one I had made many attempts to drink thru without success except that it got worse; it was supposed to get worse and I didn't know.
So I knelt as directed at the side of my bed and had a conversation with the God of my understanding, from birth, and told God "I'm afraid of doing this and more afraid of not. I don't want to continue living like this and I cannot give myself sound direction. Please help me. I no longer want to live like this." I basically said to God what I was telling the membership of Al-Anon at that time and they couldn't fix me but a Higher Power could...mine, theirs' ours'; and so I quit on faith that what I did know and what I had been told by the groups up until then would work.
And it did; and then much more.
I did a searching fearless inventory of God..."God is called love". "God loves unconditionally and always". "God's will is that I do God's will...Love and Love unconditionally like God". "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are." (Al-Anon member 1984)
My understanding of God developed with the help and support of several sponsors and included how I pray and meditate. I had an old theory of meditation which my sponsor and I took apart to see if it was still useful. It was useful but I was the one with the problem and we decided that since my "analytical self" was sooo into brain beating things to death and then ending in confusion, I was to find a meditation so simple that I could do it 24/7 and it would become my total awareness of God and my relationship with God. It took two weeks and when my sponsor and I got back together an he ask what I had arrived at, I replied; "God is". Short, Simple, Real, True for me and God. After this process I could and still do...hear, feel, touch and see God. As for the seeing part...most often in meetings God is in the body form of the membership. From inside the culture I am mostly aligned in the body form is different. As for the seeing part there is nothing under me, above me and around me that hasn't been here before me that can be forced by me. I have a Higher Power and have never been one. The God touch for me is often the hug of acceptance and compassion and fellowship. The God voice is many times just that and other times from a person expressing love and courage.
I never had to "work" the 3rd step. I had to accept it without fear and the most amount of faith I had at that moment. I have no reservations about God...none at all.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 4th of May 2010 09:46:25 PM
AGO said
May 4, 2010
The first time I did step 3 I did it by reading over pages 60-63 in the Big Book with a sponsor, doing the prayer listed, and launching at once into steps 4-9
It was explained to me that my decision in step 3 was to work steps 4-9 and that they WERE step 3 broken down into bite sized pieces, they are what taught me how to do step 3
I was told the story "three frogs were sitting on a lily pad, one made a decision to jump off, how many frogs were left?"
Three of course
the frog only made the decision to jump off the lily pad, he hadn't gotten "into action" yet"
Of course later on I analyzed it a bit, that is on this board entitled how I worked step 3 in AA 3-4 threads below this one
-- Edited by AGO on Wednesday 5th of May 2010 12:39:40 AM
MIKEF said
May 4, 2010
Hi Jerry1 Thank you for your wonderful message.Yes it was a little different for me cause I always had the same "God' from the time I was a child until now at 62 but the "relationship" has developed into another whole level.I Have a loving God that wants me to be everything He intended me to be.Insanity was even deeper for me because not only was I doing same and expecting different results,,I did same thing and 'KNEW " WHAT THE RESULTS WOULD BE. I had also made many decisions but there are also meaningless without action.I could decide to be an astronaut but if I didnt take action IT wasn't happening.A constant action on my decision allowed me to turn my will over "to the care" of God.I tell my sponcees that it is similar to bringing your kids to the babysitters house,you don't turn them over to the babysitter but only to their care.I have a strong belief in the God of my understanding so that last part was a little easier for me. We are accepting that a power greater than ourselves will do a better job of caring for our lives than we did.We had to totally surrender our self will,the thing that kept us boggled for so long.Like the step says"turn our will and "lives" over.For me the plural of the word "lives" means my life as a husband,parent,friend,employee etc.Sometimes we want to just turn "some things over to the care" but not all,you know well,my relationship is good but my finances not so good so God can take this,We constantly take our will back,its our humaness. We first seem to turn over our will and gradually our"lives"Spiritual principles I applied for me went kind of from hope to faith to trust.The principle of commitment is really the culmination of the step for me,in other words continuing to turn over to the care even when it doesnt seem to be having any positive effect(faith )Faith continues to move us forward into action.(from my spiritual readings"Faith is being sure of what we hoped for and certain of what we have not seen).After admitting,surrendering,coming to believe and then stepping out on faith thru action we 'Let go and Let God,move out of the way, we can go into our inventory stage fully knowing the "care " of our HP will guide us...A third step meditation 'I can't,He can so I'll let Him!My sponsor and I both start our day before getting out of bed with our 3rd and 11th step meditations.Thank you Jerry for sharing your experience ,strength and hope with us all,it ,with the grace of God ,will keep us sober for the only day we have,this day!Thanks for being part of my support in my journey of recovery! I dont know how my full name got here,but im busted(anonymity )and dont know how to get it off!
-- Edited by MIKEF on Tuesday 4th of May 2010 11:59:12 PM
hotrod said
May 5, 2010
Hi MIP Family
Step Three was a logical progression from my initial surrender in Step 1. IN the first step, I was completely defeated in all parts of my life. My coming to accept that I always believed in a Higher Power in step 2 and then to actually saying "OK HP I will stop fighting for my way, my rights, my desires and I will let it all go and accept what is to be. So that what HP wants I also want. The decision to turn my will over is what this steps asks of me. I was always concerned about turning my will over because I was afraid that HP would ask that I do something very hard that I would definitely fail at and that I would not get what I really wanted in life. I was defeated at this point of my life and knew that my way could not work and I needed to trust that HP's way which may not be want I now wanted would be something that HP would give me the power to handle.
In the beginning I had no idea how to turn my will over. My sponsor suggested that I use the alanon slogans each day in an attempt to align my will with HP. I was told to Live One day at a Time, Pray, Focus on Myself, Let go of gossip,negative thoughts, criticism, be kind, gentle compassionate to people I met. That was a tall order but it kept me busy and I soon fund that my many negative attitudes were slipping away. I realized that I was putting out more constructive actions and thoughts into the world and less of my old negative vibes that I so enjoyed sharing before.
I have been in alanon many, many 24 hours and each day I begin the day with the 3rd Step prayer and know that HP will carry me thru the day if I continue to show up and do my part.
I have had much joy during my years in this program: a wonderful career, a beautiful son, a successful marriage, great trips to foreign lands, nice fancy cars and houses and I have known many painful losses, the death of both my son and husband one from cancer one from alcoholism. Thru it all my HP has been by my side giving me the courage, serenity and wisdom to go on one more day.
Thank you for letting me share
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 5th of May 2010 12:12:54 AM
Dave Harm said
May 7, 2010
My thoughts on the Third Step of AA...
Step Three - "Relieve me of the bondage of self." The 3rd step of AA says,"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
When the alcoholic or addict has reached the third step, the final act of a destructive lifestyle will be buried. Step One says, "I can't." While Step Two says, "He can." With Step Three the first two steps are combined and we say, "I can't, He can, I think I'll let Him." Step Three is the final surrender.
I've admitted and accepted that my life was out of control. There was nothing within my power that could correct my past. Nothing until I asked for help - from a Higher Power. Which was not an easy task. It wasn't that I didn't believe in God, but rather, He had been out of my life for so long, I didn't know if I could trust him with my life.
It had been so long since I tried a life without alcohol that I wasn't convinced that no one, not even God, could show me a better way. But I also knew that the way I was living had to come to an end.
When I admitted to being an alcoholic, for the second time, on Labor Day 1994, I knew for this sobriety to work, I had to treat it more then an inconvenient lifestyle change. Just as a diabetic needs a shot of insulin to survive everyday, I needed to accept that for my medical illness, I needed the twelve steps of AA everyday.
There are numerous ways to learn these steps, but I chose two. One was going to AA meetings, while the other involved counseling. Together they were a power antidote for me. AA gave me the practical experience of others in recovery, while counseling gave me an education - of my self.
My counseling was done by a true gift from God. She was the right person, for me at the right time. In a few sessions she realized that for me to make counseling work - it had to be treated as a college course. With handouts and weekly homework. And it worked for me. I needed to read, I needed to study, and continue to learn - not about alcoholism, but rather about myself.
The third step was the first time that she asked me to memorize something. It was the third step prayer. It would become part of my morning meditations as well as my evening prayers. At first "I didn't get it." But the more I said it, both silently and out loud, the more I began to understand.
God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me from the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always! From The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (p. 63);
Read the pray. Re-read it. Then read it again. It is a powerful pray. "Relieve me of the bondage of self," says it all. For the first time, I no longer looked at everything wondering, what's in it for me? I began to understand that to have a successful life, it was more about giving then about taking.
My Higher Power, God, was giving to me - what I was unable to give to myself.
I Surrender
I surrender... I quit through my defeat maybe... just maybe a new life can begin
I surrender... I quit hurt so many along the way maybe... just maybe a ray of hope can shine in
I surrender... I quit been drunk for so long maybe... just maybe I can live without
I surrender... I quit tears will never wash away the pain maybe... just maybe someday maybe you'll forgive
I surrender... I quit with my Higher Power's help maybe... just maybe I'll stay sober
I surrender... I quit somehow... someway maybe... just maybe I can forgive myself
I surrender... I quit I now have a Friend maybe... no... wait I know I can trust Him
Thank God, I surrendered... I quit
Dave Harm said
May 7, 2010
My third step in Alanon/CODA
Higher Powers come in many shapes and forms. And most of the time these powers, for awhile, give us the illusion of being happy and at peace. We seek their approval and praise by any means, including our own self-worth.
It is through this "worship" that we become lost. We believe that by being "loyal subjects" we should have the attention from this person all the time. I hate trying to tell someone who is reading this about generalities. If you have been part of the Creating Dreams community for any amount of time, you know that I speak from personal experiences. The person I have spoken about in these few short sentences is my ex-wife.
My life was out of control. I chased a woman who at first loved the attention, until it smothered her. It is through my chasing and controlling that I began to see the lies, the games, and the manipulation. I don't mean for this to sound bitter because these games went both ways.
By the time I reached the third step I knew that my way of life was dysfunctional. I knew my relationship was dysfunctional. It was time for me to surrender. By surrendering I didn't give up on my marriage or my ex-wife. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I was not only setting myself free but I was also setting her free. It was through this freedom, that I hoped we could grow together.
Unfortunately, for us it didn't work out that way. What was growth for me, wasn't what my ex had envisioned. And what she considered growth, I considered a journey down that same dysfunctional past.
Sometimes for growth to occur we need to cut all ties with our past. We literally need to take a leap of faith. All I knew for 10 plus years in our relationship was how to take care of my ex-wife. It was my purpose in life.
When things started going wrong not only as a husband but also as a parent is when things totally spun out of control. The more I tried to "fix" my family the more "broke" we became. Like my addiction to alcohol, I had hit lows I never dreamed were possible. And as with my recovery from booze, I was filled with a deep sense of shame.
Made a Decision
I made a decision no longer would I lie for you I made a choice to let you assume responsibility for actions taken that weren't mine
I made a decision to turn my will and my life over I made a choice to follow my God I surrended to His will to live a life destined for me.
this decision didn't mean that I didn't love you you made a choice to leave me someday it will become clear it was done out of love
love for my God love for myself and yes, love for you growth couldn't happen with me in control I didn't abandon you
I can look and wonder "what if" but dwelling on the past doesn't help either of us our journey took different paths we were both given a gift if we choose to accept it... happiness and peace
Dave Harm said
May 7, 2010
The only thing I was ever told to memorize was the Third Step Prayer
After looking at the evidence of my 1st and 2nd step I had a question supported by
the rooms of Al-Anon. I was given the definition of insanity as, "doing the same things
over and over expecting different results." That was a very accurate definition and
I was very very sick from trying to force life and life with a practicing alcoholic to ebb
and flow as I wished. The "minime" god that I was, was a miserable failure and I had
nothing left except a life that would continue until I ended it and still I had prior intent
that had not succeeded either. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
When I made the decision I cried but not so much cried as I shook in fear because
I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what to do, how it would come out,
would it work, would I feel safe and secure and loved. I didn't know anything but
the fear...that one I was use to on a daily basis also one I had made many attempts
to drink thru without success except that it got worse; it was supposed to get worse
and I didn't know.
So I knelt as directed at the side of my bed and had a conversation with the God of
my understanding, from birth, and told God "I'm afraid of doing this and more
afraid of not. I don't want to continue living like this and I cannot give myself sound
direction. Please help me. I no longer want to live like this." I basically said to
God what I was telling the membership of Al-Anon at that time and they couldn't
fix me but a Higher Power could...mine, theirs' ours'; and so I quit on faith that what
I did know and what I had been told by the groups up until then would work.
And it did; and then much more.
I did a searching fearless inventory of God..."God is called love". "God loves
unconditionally and always". "God's will is that I do God's will...Love and Love
unconditionally like God". "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every
other human being for exactly who they are." (Al-Anon member 1984)
My understanding of God developed with the help and support of several sponsors
and included how I pray and meditate. I had an old theory of meditation which my
sponsor and I took apart to see if it was still useful. It was useful but I was the one
with the problem and we decided that since my "analytical self" was sooo into brain
beating things to death and then ending in confusion, I was to find a meditation
so simple that I could do it 24/7 and it would become my total awareness of God and
my relationship with God. It took two weeks and when my sponsor and I got back
together an he ask what I had arrived at, I replied; "God is". Short, Simple, Real,
True for me and God. After this process I could and still do...hear, feel, touch
and see God. As for the seeing part...most often in meetings God is in the body
form of the membership. From inside the culture I am mostly aligned in the body
form is different. As for the seeing part there is nothing under me, above me and
around me that hasn't been here before me that can be forced by me. I have a
Higher Power and have never been one. The God touch for me is often the hug
of acceptance and compassion and fellowship. The God voice is many times
just that and other times from a person expressing love and courage.
I never had to "work" the 3rd step. I had to accept it without fear and the most
amount of faith I had at that moment. I have no reservations about God...none
at all.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 4th of May 2010 09:46:25 PM
It was explained to me that my decision in step 3 was to work steps 4-9 and that they WERE step 3 broken down into bite sized pieces, they are what taught me how to do step 3
I was told the story "three frogs were sitting on a lily pad, one made a decision to jump off, how many frogs were left?"
Three of course
the frog only made the decision to jump off the lily pad, he hadn't gotten "into action" yet"
Of course later on I analyzed it a bit, that is on this board entitled how I worked step 3 in AA 3-4 threads below this one
-- Edited by AGO on Wednesday 5th of May 2010 12:39:40 AM
-- Edited by MIKEF on Tuesday 4th of May 2010 11:59:12 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 5th of May 2010 12:12:54 AM
Step Three - "Relieve me of the bondage of self." The 3rd step of AA says,"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
When the alcoholic or addict has reached the third step, the final act of a destructive lifestyle will be buried. Step One says, "I can't." While Step Two says, "He can." With Step Three the first two steps are combined and we say, "I can't, He can, I think I'll let Him." Step Three is the final surrender.
I've admitted and accepted that my life was out of control. There was nothing within my power that could correct my past. Nothing until I asked for help - from a Higher Power. Which was not an easy task. It wasn't that I didn't believe in God, but rather, He had been out of my life for so long, I didn't know if I could trust him with my life.
It had been so long since I tried a life without alcohol that I wasn't convinced that no one, not even God, could show me a better way. But I also knew that the way I was living had to come to an end.
When I admitted to being an alcoholic, for the second time, on Labor Day 1994, I knew for this sobriety to work, I had to treat it more then an inconvenient lifestyle change. Just as a diabetic needs a shot of insulin to survive everyday, I needed to accept that for my medical illness, I needed the twelve steps of AA everyday.
There are numerous ways to learn these steps, but I chose two. One was going to AA meetings, while the other involved counseling. Together they were a power antidote for me. AA gave me the practical experience of others in recovery, while counseling gave me an education - of my self.
My counseling was done by a true gift from God. She was the right person, for me at the right time. In a few sessions she realized that for me to make counseling work - it had to be treated as a college course. With handouts and weekly homework. And it worked for me. I needed to read, I needed to study, and continue to learn - not about alcoholism, but rather about myself.
The third step was the first time that she asked me to memorize something. It was the third step prayer. It would become part of my morning meditations as well as my evening prayers. At first "I didn't get it." But the more I said it, both silently and out loud, the more I began to understand.
God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me from the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always! From The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (p. 63);
Read the pray. Re-read it. Then read it again. It is a powerful pray. "Relieve me of the bondage of self," says it all. For the first time, I no longer looked at everything wondering, what's in it for me? I began to understand that to have a successful life, it was more about giving then about taking.
My Higher Power, God, was giving to me - what I was unable to give to myself.
I surrender... I quit
through my defeat
maybe... just maybe
a new life can begin
I surrender... I quit
hurt so many along the way
maybe... just maybe
a ray of hope can shine in
I surrender... I quit
been drunk for so long
maybe... just maybe
I can live without
I surrender... I quit
tears will never wash away the pain
maybe... just maybe
someday maybe you'll forgive
I surrender... I quit
with my Higher Power's help
maybe... just maybe
I'll stay sober
I surrender... I quit
somehow... someway
maybe... just maybe
I can forgive myself
I surrender... I quit
I now have a Friend
maybe... no... wait
I know I can trust Him
Thank God,
I surrendered... I quit
Higher Powers come in many shapes and forms. And most of the time these powers, for awhile, give us the illusion of being happy and at peace. We seek their approval and praise by any means, including our own self-worth.
It is through this "worship" that we become lost. We believe that by being "loyal subjects" we should have the attention from this person all the time. I hate trying to tell someone who is reading this about generalities. If you have been part of the Creating Dreams community for any amount of time, you know that I speak from personal experiences. The person I have spoken about in these few short sentences is my ex-wife.
My life was out of control. I chased a woman who at first loved the attention, until it smothered her. It is through my chasing and controlling that I began to see the lies, the games, and the manipulation. I don't mean for this to sound bitter because these games went both ways.
By the time I reached the third step I knew that my way of life was dysfunctional. I knew my relationship was dysfunctional. It was time for me to surrender. By surrendering I didn't give up on my marriage or my ex-wife. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I was not only setting myself free but I was also setting her free. It was through this freedom, that I hoped we could grow together.
Unfortunately, for us it didn't work out that way. What was growth for me, wasn't what my ex had envisioned. And what she considered growth, I considered a journey down that same dysfunctional past.
Sometimes for growth to occur we need to cut all ties with our past. We literally need to take a leap of faith. All I knew for 10 plus years in our relationship was how to take care of my ex-wife. It was my purpose in life.
When things started going wrong not only as a husband but also as a parent is when things totally spun out of control. The more I tried to "fix" my family the more "broke" we became. Like my addiction to alcohol, I had hit lows I never dreamed were possible. And as with my recovery from booze, I was filled with a deep sense of shame.
Made a Decision
I made a decision
no longer would I lie for you
I made a choice
to let you assume responsibility
for actions taken
that weren't mine
I made a decision
to turn my will and my life over
I made a choice
to follow my God
I surrended to His will
to live a life destined for me.
this decision didn't mean
that I didn't love you
you made a choice
to leave me
someday it will become clear
it was done out of love
love for my God
love for myself
and yes, love for you
growth couldn't happen
with me in control
I didn't abandon you
I can look and wonder "what if"
but dwelling on the past
doesn't help either of us
our journey took different paths
we were both given a gift
if we choose to accept it...
happiness and peace