"Admitted we were powerless over alcohol..."
First of all without reading the 1st 60 pages of the AA book I did not understand what powerless meant. I had to break this step into chewable pieces. Looks like an easy step but it is not. Power of choice is a natural instinct, otherwise I would die. Fear forms part of it and also common sense. Chemicals must be used with caution. Some chemicals are extremely toxic and my mind has recorded this information as I grew up and has provided me with a defense. No matter how much you try to convince me that cyanide will give me a nice warm effect I will not touch it. You could cut it with a chaser or mixer, but my defense is still there. I dont need physical proof. Science proved that it is dangerous and mind accepts that.
But not so with alcohol. Having ingested the alcohol because I have seen society do it, I like the effect produced. My initial encounters are fine but as time progresses I develop an abnormal reaction to this chemical. My body develops a physical reaction or allergy to it. Now when I drink alcohol, my body chemistry demands more of the alcohol, beyond what is normally acceptable. Where I could take it or leave it- the POWER of choice, now I find myself POWERLESS because my mind has no defense mechanism to the harm caused by my alcohol intake. I am without defense against the first drink. Defense can only come from a Higher Power. No human power can provide such a defense. The only thing this step does is asks to honestly acknowledge that situation. ADMIT.

"-that our lives had become unmanageable."
The 2nd part of step1. An alcoholic like myself can live in either one of 2 states- drunk or sober.

Lets take DRUNK. I set out to have 2 drinks to relax me for the ease and comfort. The PHYSICAL allergy kicks in and I drink till I pass out, right through my blackout stage into oblivion. Caused all sorts of problems drunk and vow never to drink again.

Lets take SOBER. Now I try to remain sober. But I am restless, irritable and discontented and I make every one around me unhappy. I continue in this state for a while until I cant stand it any more so I take a few drinks for ease and comfort. And the cycle starts again.

I cant live SOBER and I cant live DRUNK. My life is unmanageable.

This is not a sin. Its a disease of mind and body. When I acknowledge that I have this problem [ADMIT] I can take up the solution for this problem, which is described in step2.

PG 20- AA BOOK. "MODERATE drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have GOOD reason for it." "HARD DRINKER"- "He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. If a sufficiently STRONG reason .......... this man can also stop or moderate..." "But what about the REAL alcoholic? .......at some stage of his drinking career he begins to LOSE ALL CONTROL of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink." This little bit of information practically covers my entire drinking pattern and its progression from moderate to heavy to alcoholic. IRREVERSIBLE CONDITION. Now look at the insanity of the mind!!!! PG 30- AA BOOK. "The IDEA that SOMEHOW, SOMEDAY he will CONTROL and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every ABNORMAL drinker." DENIAL. This was my INSANITY, having full knowledge of my condition and then taking the first drink. The entire AA book recovery is based on smashing this idea. Beginning with Step2, which starts with a restoration to "SANITY" through to Step10 where "SANITY" will return.[ PG 84] is entirely dedicated to the removal of this IDEA. The book was simple but my keen intellectual mind could not do these steps. WHY? Because they were too simple. All truly intelligent people use simple concepts to start their inventions. NEWTON- he threw apple up & it came down.- GRAVITY. ELECTRICITY- They moved the magnet across the wire. Still works like that. PROBLEM............SOLUTION.................APPLICATION.

It was not until I had gone through treatment and been introduced to AA that I had really given Step One any serious thought. I did not really know what it meant and/or how it applied to me. While still in the grips of insanity, I was overly preoccupied (obsessed) with earning a living and getting ahead in life, trying to attain some sort of financial security. I do recall an incident which should have clued me in, but it did not.

On a beautiful, hot and sunny Saturday afternoon in October of 1992, the neighbors around the lake behind my house were picnicking and I was consuming my favorite, Jack Daniels and coca-cola. At around 3 or 4 in the afternoon I decided I was going to go for a little swim to cool off. The next thing I remember is regaining consciousness in the J.F.K. Emergency room. I had either passed out or blacked out and sank to the bottom of the lake. Fortunately, I was close to the edge and not too difficult to find. A neighbor had pulled me out of the water and emptied my lungs while another called 911. I was rattled all right; I never went swimming while drunk again. The irony here is that in my teens I took on a lifeguard assignment for a bunch of kids at a summer camp and they had nicknamed me Flipper. Having been a good swimmer for years booze was not the problem; I guessed I was just too tired. Yep, I was totally flipped out and had no clue. Also, I cannot begin to recall the number of times I had sincerely promised to my wife Never again and proceeded to get drunk shortly after. I drank and I drank even when I did not really want to drink. Alcohol was in control of my life, my marriage was going down the drain and there was nothing I could do to stop the downward spiral. Cunning, baffling and powerful indeed, I did not get sober until March of 1996.


Day to day life seemed fine. I was making consistent progress in my career even while it was becoming more and more difficult to get up for work and put on a happy face.

My marriage was slipping away but things would in time get better. Deep down inside I didnt really know or care if they would or not. Arguments between my wife and I were gradually getting meaner and love was steadily turning into hatred. Not the signs of a healthy relationship and I dont think it mattered to me. Happiness was long gone and things were getting messier. Kim found a boyfriend and I divorced her. Game Over.

-- Edited by MarcLacroix on Tuesday 10th of August 2010 08:39:38 PM