Hello, I recently (3 weeks ago) started going back to AA. I had not been any about 6 years. I've been in rehab twice, but in all that time I had never worked the steps. I have been what they call a dry drunk for the past 7 years and just recently I felt like my world was falling apart. I started having anxiety and depression and a feeling of impending doom. My mother is very active in 12 step programs ( alanon and OA) and she suggested I get back in AA. I also went to see my doctor who put me on anti-deppressants. Anyway, I started back in AA about 3 weeks ago determined to work the program this time. After a few meetings I started feeling much better. I thought that I had let go and turned it over to my higher power. Then yesterday, I went to a meeting and we had a 12 step study. We happen to be on step 3. After we read from the book I shared about how I felt that I had finally gave my will to my higher power. After the meeting I got in my car and drove down the road just a little way and suddendly thos same feelings came back of impending doom and anxiety. I feel like I cant let go all of a sudden. I could'nt sleep last night because of these feelings. I just dont understand whats happening. I am going to a meeting tonight and I plan on asking someone to be my sponsor, so I can start working the steps. I would appreciate some input or help with this.
Thank you

Congratulations on coming back!!!

It can be overwhelming, the fear.  It is going to happen.  The easiest way I can put what happened to me was I was in crisis.  I HAD to do this to save myself, my sanity, everything I had worked so hard for - I had to do it for me.

I admitted I was powerless.  I had to admit that my way wasn't working.  Then I had to become willing.  Was I willing to try this and give it my ALL?  If I want to be a good painter, pianist, parent, doctor, lawyer - you name it -  if I want to be good at something I had to put it first in my life and spend the time and work and have the willingness to do this if I want success.  Was I truly willing to put this above all other things?

The fear, the overwhelming anxiety is there for all of us.  I can choose to turn that over . . .   My past, my upcoming work in the steps, my fellowship and what they will think of me . . . I had to turn it over and focus on my goal.    My first sponsor called things like this resentment bubbles.  I applied that to everything, my resentments, my fears, my fear of failure.  I liked the bubble concept because I could LET these feelings happen.  I could watch them rise and then I could watch them float away.  Here one comes . . . "Ouch, oh crud that hurts, OMG I can't do this..... panic, loss of breath, fast hearbeat, sweating"  Breathe in, breathe out, remind myself why I am here and what my goal is.  Feel it, then watch it pass.  "ok, there is goes - that was uncomfortable but I made it through it . . . I CAN DO THIS."

I am powerless and I am willing.  I still had a lot of questions about steps 1, 2 & 3 - but that was the core of what was necessary for me to go on to step 4 and get started with the work.  I found more answers to steps 1 - 3 after my first pass through the steps.  I am powerless and I am willing . . . now where's that pen and paper?

I just had to keep doing what was suggested.  My feelings were all over the map - but I just kept moving forward.

You are going to find a sponsor.  Fantastic.  Don't let it stress you out (I did).  Follow your gut - and not so much for comfort - but follow it for what you WANT to be, those people that attract you and have what you want.  Don't ever think that what they have is impossible, it is very real and very attainable.  Who better to lead you there than someone who already has it?  I worried about what my sponsor would think of me.  What will happen when they hear my story?  No one has done what I HAVE DONE!!!  My first meeting with my sponsor he told me his story.  He is a Chaplin - and my mouth was hanging open at some of his story, it was my story too!  One thing that I have heard several times "None of us fly into AA on the wings of victory".  Chances are they have all been where we have in some form or another and understand more than you think.

You can do this.  Hop over to the MIP AA site, there is a GREAT group of folks there to help you along. 

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?aBID=42735&p=1

Keep coming back here with your step questions and experience.  We would love to share your jouney.

Tricia

-- Edited by tlcate on Sunday 6th of June 2010 08:25:39 PM

Thank yall for your input, it helps alot. I went to my meeting last night and I got me a sponsor. I've noticed in prior meetings that he seems very intellingent and knows and works his program really well. And we also seem to have alot in common as far as issues and such. I want to get started with step 4 now. Thank you

Martee, I never even realized until it was gone a year or two into recovery that I had always had a feeling of impending doom. An axe hanging over my head. When you work the program, it works you also. Its an interesting ride but now always easy. Good luck & God Bless!