I am also working the fourth step. Please forgive what I have to write, it's hard to accept and probably the longest post I've ever written in my life.

Where was I? I believe my brother (adopted as a baby) and I grew up in a type of emotional chaos, with an emotionally codependent mom and a passive silent dad. I don't know if Dad was an alcoholic, but Mom was eventually addicted to pain meds such as Vicodin, etc. I believe that one of my brother's natural parents might have been an alcoholic. I was the good little "Susie" in the corner, always doing everything to be perfect.

My brother John , aged 41, died in a car accident last December. His blood alcohol level was .5-- 6 times the legal limit. He was in a coma for for days from the seizure and then after most of his brain was gone, we made the horrible decision to take him off life support.

I had never realized how much trouble John was in. But I resented him because he was always so social and had so many friends, while I had (and still have) few.

Where am I? The main point is that I'm still trying to make everyone perfect. I "dodge" at the dinner table, in a futile effort to keep dinner peaceful and polite (which it rarely is.) with my own AH and children.

I avoid talking with my AH or only correct my children on things that really bug me, like their hurtful words or bad manners. I call this "choosing my battles."

I blame my AH for things that go wrong. I admit that I read and listen to meditation music in my bedroom as a "hideout" instead of hanging out in the living room; No doubt, I AM a nerd and love to read and study.  I simply don't enjoy the things my family enjoys-- their TV shows and loud music are not entertaining to me.

I believe I've probably created an alienation situation, wherein I blame and avoid in order to survive. I don't think I know any other way to keep my head above water.

I am afraid my children will use or abuse. Nowadays I have to consciously stop myself from catastrophic thinking. I do resent my husband, sons, and daughter, when they seem to be so happy-go-lucky, and I am far far away from them, unable to be close or have intimate conversations. 

Where I'm going? I hope by working Step 4 I'll be able to make some sense out of my resentment, denial, fear, and avoidant behavior. Also, I'll be able to grieve for my brother in a healthy way and work steadily toward caring for myself.

I'm just afraid, afraid, afraid, that I'm going to have to leave my husband and my daughter, because I can't fix them.  I haven't got it into my head that to survive this, I must detach and think clearly on these things another way. 

Thanks for letting me share.  I was typing from my Step four pages in my workbook, so there's a lot here.  You guys are the best.



-- Edited by punkydoodah on Wednesday 30th of June 2010 12:58:10 AM

I don't know that I was capable of doing a fearless inventory before.  I know I was so very resentful I was toxic.

maresie.

I think one of the issues that is shocking me about the 4th step is rather than suffer in silence, much like the ex A, I took many a person hostage with my pain, over reaction and acting out.  I certainly felt entitled to do that after all I was suffering why not share it around!

I used to wonder why people did not like me and could not understand why they couldn't empathize after all I was the one dealing with the ex A.    Around the ex a I was always totally out of control, on edge, never knowing when I was going to break.  I broke often, yelling screaming, crying, threatening, ranting.  There was no mature adult in there anywhere.  I felt absolutely totally justified behaving like that whatever the circumstance because after all I was in pain.  I used to call up the ex
A's friends and family and demand they help him, help me.  There was no please in there, there was a life or death demand all the time.  I don't doubt for one second they dreaded my calls.  I felt absolutely okay with doing that.  After all I was trying to control him and I had such a deluge of emotions I had no means to control them so I let them out everywhere, any time, any place.

Not a very nice picture at all.

Maresie.

AA's Step Four

Making a fearless moral inventory of ourselves can be a request filled with fear. Isnt it enough that we admitted to being an alcoholic? It would have been so easy for me to move on and worry about doing an inventory later. But the fact is that the steps were written in the order that they needed to be taken.

With my new friendship with my Higher Power, I felt that I could do anything, mainly because I wasnt alone. So on to step four! Where does a person begin when doing an inventory? The place to start isnt necessarily looking at how you hurt others. Doing the outside steps will come in due time.

Step four is recognizing whats going on in the inside. It wasnt about how I felt or maybe how I had been hurt. It was about me and my personality. So naturally, I looked at my selfishness or self-centeredness. I made a list of how this part of me affected my relationship with others.

Looking at this list it was easy to start blaming others for the way I behaved. Then I realized that by blaming others, I wasnt accepting any responsibility for my actions. This step was becoming an eye-opener into who I really was.

My list continued to grow and how it affected my relationships with others. There were my alibis, which always led to self-pity. With those two I began to see how others knew I was a phony.

I understood that being a phony made it easy for my feelings to be easily hurt. And while I lived in this make believe world and watch others around me succeed I became a very jealous person. As a jealous person there was no way I could trust anyone. Do you see where Im going with this?

All these defects of character feed off of each other until they become so strong they become who you are. There are supposedly 19 defects of character, I had them all. A perfect score on a test which I wished I failed.

But out of all these defects one had more power then the rest. A destructive power which the others worshiped resentment. A pure evil defect of character. Its only purpose in my life was the destruction of others. That destruction could be physical and at other times more mental, or even financial. That one negative personality trait of mine resentment was at the core of my addictive personality.

With what I learned through the first three steps and with my new Friendship, I realized I didnt need to be resentful of anyone. We are all the same in the eyes of God. We are all His children. I didnt need to be the best at everything. Some folks can do things better then me, but on the other side of that coin, I can do things better then others.

I dont need to brag about it, just be thankful, that I was given the opportunity to find these gifts. By doing this inventory, not only I was able to find the garbage, but I was able to discover the good.

I just needed to nurture these good traits and over time; the bad ones wouldnt be so obvious. Id always have them but now Id be able to recognize them before they raised their ugly heads.

Life began to rapidly change after I completed the fourth step. It was the first step where I began to concentrate on others instead of myself. The reality was that no longer was I the center of the universe. But I was now hoping I could be a part of it.

Forgive Thine Self

conniving, manipulating, deceiving
playing games to stay ahead
to keep a secret buried
which was already known

as things begin to change
wonder can forgiveness be achieved
not from others but from one self
more then a dream its a destiny

no way around it
be kind forgive yourself
or life forever
will be showered with guilt

its a simple choice
yet so difficult to achieve
we can forgive others
others can forgive us

so why must the battle go on
its a war that must be won
as a child of God love yourself
its OK to forgive yourself

-- Edited by Dave Harm on Friday 16th of July 2010 12:36:52 AM

CODA Step 4

It is impossible to talk about the 12 steps, without talking about spirituality. I'm not talking about religion. They are not one of a kind. Spirituality is for those who have been in hell, while religion is for people scared of going to hell.

I believe that a spiritual person lives their life in this world. They are not worried about what lies in the next life. If they manage to find a sense of serenity in this world everything else will take care of itself.

I do believe this and try my best to stay "in the now". I have had a couple of real life "burning bush" experiences with my Higher Power and it taught me that the next life doesn't mean anything - if I can't find peace in this one.

I don't say this as a way of sounding "like a man", but rather as a fact I believe. I do not fear death. I seen death, as a child, in an abusive home. I've seen death through an overdose. And I've seen death in an attempted suicide. What I seen in death was no better than what I was running from in life.

Somehow I needed to find life - in this life. I needed to find it without alcohol or drugs and without worshipping a false god (my co-dependency). It was through a moral searching inventory that I seen the hell I had created. A hell that I was accustomed too and one which I wasn't sure I wanted to escape.

I also realized that there was no need to worry about the next life, if I couldn't find a way to live in this one. To find a reason to live in this life not only did I need to take a personal inventory but I also needed to find gratitude.

I had never looked for the answers as to why I am here. What gifts were given to me by my Higher Power that I never nourished nor acknowledged?

When I found that gratitude I began to understand the gifts and I knew that this life, this journey, could be filled with rewards.

Maybe not financially or materialistically, but rather spiritually. By building a strong foundation with the first three steps, I was given the strength and courage to do the fourth step.

Looking Within

it was strange... to look within
to leave behind a world
where approval... was a drug
needed to survive
this path... this journey
made some believe
they were abandoned
yet... it was the greatest
act of love ever given

for the first time
I accepted that your actions
were not my responsibility
it was painful... to realize
I couldn't save you
it wasn't done out of hate
rather... as a means of survival
... mine...

who knows what tomorrow will bring
the sun will rise
and I'll see it in a new way
our dependence on each other
wasn't love
it was an illness
that stopped our growth
and took us on a path
that wasn't our destiny

-- Edited by Dave Harm on Friday 16th of July 2010 12:44:06 AM

looks like step 4 keeps knocking on my door and I try to put it off butguess I will be working this step just as the sun rises.In my home group we have talked about the need to do the steps and doing inventory has been something I was afraid of .Looks like there is no time like the present.
Mary D