Hi, my name for here is Maery.

I've been a member of Alanon for a few years, and in our area there really isn't any group strictly for Adult Children but I remember going to meetings when I lived out in Victoria, B.C.

I've been having a tough time getting to my meetings for a bit now and I don't see this changing in the near future because my schedual is keeping my busy exactly at the wrong times.  I've noticed a drop in my moods, a return of thought patterns which are unhealthy, and I feel powerless to do much about this on my own.

My father died last May and I guess I am struggling with getting through this year...with letting go of the legacy of being his youngest and all that this entailed.  I am struggling with the wish to just hide from the world and I feel sad for much of the time.  It is a strange way to feel...kind of like a little girl and helpless because "Daddy" isn't there anymore...and yet, in my mind I 'know' that I have lived as an adult for a long time now...and that alot of these feelings of panic and such...the thoughts of being unable to survive without him...were put there by him as I grew up.  

When I tie this in to step 6 "...entirely ready to have God remove these defects of chataracter.."  it sort of fits.  Although in all honesty, I'm not sure if -right at this momment- I am truly ready to have God remove these defects...or maybe I'm not sure that He will.  It seems easier right now...and very tempting right now...to simply hide, and take some quiet time...to cry and to let go of all of the pain and such that means entirely letting go of my father.  I loved my Dad, yet there was always a struggle of trying to be the 'me' that I thought he wanted me to be...and the 'me' that I am or was.  Perhaps some of this is just the normal grieving process of letting go of a loved one.  I get angry at times when I think of his death...indication that I did not truly accept his disease...he died willingly enough, by refusing the dialysis that was keeping him alive.  Yet, he died drinking..even in the hospital he wouldn't let go of his desire for the beer.  I remember holding his hand, just letting him know that I was there...and feeling so sad and utterly helpless.  His choices.  

I know that doing these steps properly...letting go of my own defects of character...would clear the way for me to have a better life.  For me to live and to have a life more like my mothers' who has been clearn and sober for a good many years now.  And yet, it almost feels like a betrayal to my father to do, or to want this.  As if I were saying that I was a better person...or those forbidden words...that -he- was wrong. All I can really do right now though, is to pray and to continue to trust that things will be okay, that I will get through this part too...and eventually move on to a better space.

Anyways, I figured I would look up some places for where it might be safe to tackle some of these feelings...since without some kind of outside support, I am certainly going to have a much harder time of it.

I will end with just saying "Hi" and see what happens.

-- Edited by maery on Monday 21st of March 2011 05:30:36 AM

Hello! You have my sincere condolences in the loss of your father--the loss you experienced first because of his alcoholism, the loss you experience now because he has left this earth. Grief is a process, letting go of our wants and desires, and coming to the acceptance of what is. Know this first: your father loved you, exactly as you are. Always! That love may have been overshadowed, in your mind, maybe even in his, of who you really think you are, but it was always real love. Let your self grieve, let the past go, and from this day go forth feeling his perfect love for you, how ever you experienced it, and your grief will lessen, and your love will deepen. My dad died about a month after my birthday a few years ago. What I choose to carry forward with me is the birthday cake he bought for me--the only one I ever remember him giving me. And I was over 50 years old! But I was a little girl, whose daddy wanted her to know he loved her. And as I write this, a smile comes to my face. We endure. We love. And we love again. Blessings and peace to you! Stay strong in the Lord. He will direct our steps!

You reminded me of this prayer for some reason: Prayer of St. Francis Used in our group as an 11th Step Prayer Lord, make me a channel of thy peace - that where there is hatred, I may bring love - that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness - that where there is discord, I may bring harmony - that where there is error, I may bring truth - that where there is doubt, I may bring faith - that where there is despair, I may bring hope - that where there are shadows, I may bring light - that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in the giving that we receive; it is in the pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.