2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Sometimes people who have problems with conventional religion or the concept of God have trouble with this step. One of the best things I ever did in this program was to help someone who was stuck here because of this. While I believe in God, the very kind person I was talking with did not and was having trouble getting behind the concept of a Higher Power.
As the way things go I had been thinking about this purely as an intellectual exercise and I just happened to have this conversation with him right after I formed my answer. I will repeat it here as best I can remember it.
Before I do, I feel I should tell you what the Yellow Workbook has to say on the subject, which I had not read at the time.
A note to the atheist or agnositc:
The ACA progam is for you. If you do not believe in God or a Higher Power, select something to be a power greater than yourself so that you can work the ACA program and receive healing results. Example: your ACA group or therapy group is a power greater than you since it meets regularly, discusses ACA issues and produces progress for its participants. Meanwhile, we ask that you keep an open mind about the spiritual nature of ACA and enjoy the fellowship's acceptance.
My answer:
While I am a man of faith, I can certainly understand why a person would have a problem with the concept of a directive consciousness over the universe. So much of the world is irrational and inexplicable. And bad things happen to good people with great regularity. So rejecting a beneficent diety, a "Santa Claus God" as you put it, makes a certain amount of sense.
However there is something that brought you to me today, that moved you to choose me to tell about your difficulty, that moved me over the course of the last few days to be thinking about this even though it is not my problem. And that was Not You.
You may want to give it the name Random Chance or Dumb Luck. You might want to be more positive and say it's the Natural Order of Things. But the key thing to remember is that it's Not You.
The ultimate purpose of Step 2 in my mind is a pairing with Step 1. Step 1 talks about how we as individuals cannot do it entirely ourselves. This is an evident fact. If we could have done it entirely ourselves, we would have already freed ourselves from our ACoA chaos.
Step 2 is telling us that we need help from Not Us, that we cannot do it alone and that it is okay to allow Not Us to help us. Step 2 does not absolve us from responsibility in us doing the work. It simply acknowledges we will need more help than we ourselves as individuals can provide.
Something makes the Earth spin on its axis and makes the Earth orbit the sun. Call it God or call it Newtonian Physics. But it is Not Us. And what the program is asking you to do is to believe that something that is Not You may and will help you.
If you're struggling here, I hope that either what the Yellow Workbook said or what I said may be of assistance to you.
LindaO said
Dec 12, 2011
You are doing a great job here James. This is the last of the two steps that I have taken and the rest will be fresh ground for me.
Step 2 for me. I have always held a belief in a power greater than myself. In fact, it is a higher self that I believe in. My conscience, my good and bad, my ying and yang. I sure don't make the seasons change but something does. Science maybe, sure, I will go with that also. Science is all about energy and matter. That is what we are. No less and no more than all other forms of matter in this universe.
To be restored to sanity, we must first acknowledge that we lost sanity.
I blamed my Dad for so long. I still do at times. I hated him for what he did to us and our family.. what he did to my Mum... What he turned me into as a young adult. If it weren't for his alcoholism I wouldn't have been through what I went through.... HIs fault. It was hard to see my part in it. The insanity it made me participate in.
I chose to do things that I wouldn't choose now. I lost my sanity.. my grip on reality. My life was unmanageable and I believed that I could make it manageable by controlling everything. If things were the way I wanted them, and people did as they 'should' then everything will be ok....
That is insanity.
The other definition of insanity.. doing what you have always done and expecting a different result.
I had to change and do something different. I know there is universal energy helping me. There is a power greater than me that can put my mind in a healthier place to deal with what I have to go through to recover from my own past.
Having faith in a God is slightly different to believing s/he can restore us to sanity. We have to step out of denial and accept we were insane (or at least doing soem things that defied logic), and that our idea of God is the one that can restore that. For me, little baby jesus in a basket is a wonderful god.. but that is not what I am putting faith in to restore my sanity. For me, its all about Chi and the energies that move my mind... its the universal power of all 'gods' and of our own higher self that does that, and if baby jesus wants to help that energy... then I can accept that. For others, yeah it may be the energy and power found in the rooms of ACoA..... as long as it works for you then its ok.
KarenKB said
Dec 12, 2011
Hi and thanks for being here. Your words of encouragement are enriching my life. I am a newbie to ACA but have 43 years + in Al anon.
Like the first step, I worked this one in reverse, I did the last part first because I resonated to these steps in that way. I saw first what I held true in my self esteem and then found the first parts of these steps were a ego issue for me. They were not supportive of that strong independent streak I developed as I did my utmost to hit the outside air and sunlight or cold, as soon as I could, since I can remember. That stubborn hard headed and determined personality helped me be safe for the most part as I was without a chain or leash or a adult to watch for my safety.
I grew up in a family of what today are called evangelicals and I closed down to the teachings because of the fear engendered. I feared enough in my home, I didn't have room for their remedies. It took all I had to stay clear of situations at home. I did develop a kinship with a leader of a group of kids my age (I was 5) that was religious and stern, but her religion was less strenuous in worship and was my interest. I was baptized at 15 in that faith and by 16 I had taken a better look and kept to the outer edges of the services and teachings etc.
My first 12 step meeting, Al anon, July 25, 1968, mentioned God in a sign I saw on the wall shortly after arriving. I would have left but I was a bit late and the meeting had already begun. I kept looking for the bibles and listening for the sermon or whatever to begin and before I knew it I was crying. The person talking to the group was saying things that I had only kept deep in my thoughts. My tears became sobs and by the end of the meeting I was so glad to know I had finally found my place of a belief in a "higher power" and I certainly knew I was leading a unmanageable life and was teetering on the very rim of total insanity.
I drove home and knew I had reached a place in my life to want to belong to. I had found words I totally identified with as the people spoke around the table. I had found a higher power, a Higher Power, cause it took one to get me on the best tack for the first time in my life.
That same Higher Power who waited for me to find Him/Her, even tho I prayed and begged and carried on conversations with Her/Him quietly most of the time as I walked or played alone as a young child, and then as a older person, driving alone was a time for a conversation with this Higher Power. Still is.
It is so nice to have a Power greater than myself. My low self esteem was so far down it came up the other side and was the extreme opposite as I felt. I knew all about me was a failure and knew more than any power or spirit. It took a long time cause I am as hard headed as has ever been made, but my faith and hope that was a part of me due to a sweet Aunt of mine and a Grandmother who helped a bit too, who held me up and then a couple of teachers who helped me be a bit more tolerant of learning, and a policeman (who was our school bus driver) from whom I learned about social authority.
I have done insane things and have thought them or said them too. I have done things and said things that were worthy of praise also. They seem to have balanced out pretty much. But I was raised by a alcoholic mother and eventually the husband who stayed was a hypochondriac, so I earned my qualifications for this program that I needed for many years now. Many years.
I've arrived, and my self esteem is still in question, and the progression of a disease I was not aware of until I had alienated members of my family and finally my two children. It has done its thing and left a trail for me to realize I was afflicted with a progressive disease. I was down to someone who I have a long distance relationship with after being celibate for 25 years, not even dating. I didn't trust my ability to partner. This relationship is my third as a "cougar" and I wanted to be sure I had not destroyed it. I knew somewhere there was help for me and after a few Coda meetings I found ACA. I am truly grateful. I am in this relationship by a thread and am holding on. Loneliness is not so great for me, I have learned.
I am honored to be a part of this group. Working these steps with this format is very attractive. And I can do it from home. :D
Love through the 12 and 12, Karen kb
littlebluedaisy said
Dec 12, 2011
I want to thank you for your shares. This step has been somewhat difficult for me as I was turned off from organized religion a long time ago. As such when I read anything about a higher power or God, my mind's first instinct is to shut down. Over the years, I've developed my own higher power, and I sometimes feel like because it its not a "Christian God" I lack fellowship and true spirituality.
As a non-christian I struggle with finding a fellowship where I belong. I have attended spiritual gatherings and left totally disenchanted and disappointed by the feelings and people I encountered. I feel like I lack faith and that is a very challenging topic for me. I have delayed moving on to step three because I just don't feel ready. I'm looking for some assistance on ways to cultivate my spirituality and find fellowship. I have located a non-denominal church and intend to go, but I'm having a hard time getting over my resentments from the past with religion.
I would like to thank JamesCT for his post. I found "NOT ME" is the best way I've heard higher power summed up. Sometimes I get lost when things that are long and detailed. "Keep It Simple" definitely helps me. Thank you for your share.
Please keep sharing. The more people post, the more I learn. Thank you for this board. Have a great day!
JamesCT said
Dec 12, 2011
As to my own dealings with Step 2, it was the believing that I could be restored to sanity that was the stumbling block. It seems strange that someone who believes in a Higher Power could then doubt its efficacy in restoring sanity, but that feeling of hopelessness was stubbornly resistant to logic. It used the weight of accumulated evidence to suggest that any belief in healing was unfounded.
However, the counter to that for me was reminding myself that ACA was a different approach than anything I had tried previously. The definition of insanity is often said to be doing the same thing and expecting a different result. It is also equally insane to do something different and expect the same result.
Once that was clear to me, that I was trying something different and that by that very fact the program had a chance to succeed, I was fully open to this step.
iamgood said
Dec 13, 2011
Thank you all for all of the above.
Higher power is "Not Me". I am starting to see this.
How do I know there is a power greater than myself and that it can restore [me] to sanity?
I am not sure. I notice though more and more that when I am deep into my crazy thinking and believing it with all of my heart, something comes to help me out of the crazy thinking.
Today at work. I was sure I was a failure. So sure of it. And I ended up on a phone call with a superior, and a comment he made in passing about perfectionism was like a gong in my head - oh, I am in the perfectionism/beat self up thinkign again.
That I ended up on the phone with that person at that time who made that passing comment - That is a power greater than myself.
So it seems to me.
I am a newbie in my opinion, with 1.5 years in the program, and a lot of old habits and fears haunting me every day still. Fear is a big one. I will need a power greater than myself to break my old thinking.
I am beleiving that posting here is an email to a power greater than myself.
Just like sharing in a meeting is a communication out, out of my lonely head, to a higher power.
tracyu111 said
Dec 13, 2011
Hi everyone,
thanks for sharing. I have been in recovery in another program for 20 years and have recently hit my ACA bottom, I believe. I am working out of the yellow workbook with a sponsor and still am struggling at bit.
my issue is that I have a bad picker. my recent relationship is with an active addict and I have reached new levels of insanity in my behavior, attitudes and actions than ever before. I am astounded by the power of this disease and its effects... i grew up with a mother who married alcoholic after alcoholic so I came to see these people as normal and a part of my life. I didn't know any different. My childhood was full of fear and there was a lack of emotional support and i missed out on getting alot of my needs met.
so here i am, finding i have an "addiction" to people. i get my self-worth from rescuing and "helping" others to my detriment, herein lies the insanity that i have been experiencing.
My recent person was my HP for a while....i lost my spiritual contact and went insane trying to fix and watch and cure this person. I am at the bottom and tired of it.
My HP is going to restore me to sanity because He has done it for others. My sponsor is having me start praying and thanking Him and looking for the good in my life because it is always here. i feel a connection happening again but it is also taking going to meetings and calling people and reaching out.
thanks
Wulfenia said
Dec 15, 2011
I have a little bit of a problem with this formulation: 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. It is the "restore" that I cannot understand. I have never been sane. I was born in a nevrotic family, highly dysfunctional, with both parents adicts, Mom an alcoholic, Dad a sex-adict, one grandmother alcoholic and the other lived for what people would think and say about her. I cannot be restore to sanity. I can be taught sanity, showed sanity, whatever, but I cannot be "restored to sanity" because I have never ever had it in my life. For the alcoholics it surely is different. There was a period of time before their alcoholism started. So they can be restored to that level again. We, the ACOAs, were born this way. So, for myself, I will have to rephrase
2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could bring us to sanity.
That's better. :) I know there is something bigger than myself. I cannot understand the way it "works" and maybe I am not supposed to know it. I felt the greater power than myself when my Mom died. The day we burried her, this un-understood presence came into the room where I was sleeping with my sister. I felt its touch, the calm energy. My sister did it too. I felt it again the evening when I stoped smoking. I was crying and asking for help to get free from that adiction. It came again into the room and touched me and took away the urge to lighten a cigaret. I had an atheist education and sometimes it kicks in again, the not-believing. In those phases I need to believe in the power of the internet, the people that are there, at the other end of the line, who can help.
JamesCT said
Dec 15, 2011
Wulfenia wrote:
I have a little bit of a problem with this formulation: 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. It is the "restore" that I cannot understand. I have never been sane. I was born in a nevrotic family, highly dysfunctional, with both parents adicts, Mom an alcoholic, Dad a sex-adict, one grandmother alcoholic and the other lived for what people would think and say about her. I cannot be restore to sanity. I can be taught sanity, showed sanity, whatever, but I cannot be "restored to sanity" because I have never ever had it in my life. For the alcoholics it surely is different. There was a period of time before their alcoholism started. So they can be restored to that level again. We, the ACOAs, were born this way. So, for myself, I will have to rephrase
2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could bring us to sanity.
That's better. :) I know there is something bigger than myself. I cannot understand the way it "works" and maybe I am not supposed to know it. I felt the greater power than myself when my Mom died. The day we burried her, this un-understood presence came into the room where I was sleeping with my sister. I felt its touch, the calm energy. My sister did it too. I felt it again the evening when I stoped smoking. I was crying and asking for help to get free from that adiction. It came again into the room and touched me and took away the urge to lighten a cigaret. I had an atheist education and sometimes it kicks in again, the not-believing. In those phases I need to believe in the power of the internet, the people that are there, at the other end of the line, who can help.
I'm glad you found an alternate phrasing that will help, but as to the use of the term "restore"...
Presuambly while one may be born to an insane family, one is not born insane. Sanity is our original state, even if it has been since infancy when we have acheived it.
Wulfenia said
Dec 15, 2011
Thank you!
flopadopilus said
Dec 15, 2011
I love reading this topic and can relate to being born into extreme dysfunction and insanity. After 1 year in Al-anon I have already felt so much change taking place and am so glad I have found my way to the ACOA steps with you all!
JamesCT said
Dec 16, 2011
Questions from the Yellow Workbook for Step 2:
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
LindaO said
Dec 16, 2011
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
Haqahahaha this one made me giggle initially. I am not, because my father found AA and my Mum went to Al Anon and now my sister is finally getting psych help.
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me? OH yes I realise this one very much now I have found this site and the books. That has been a recent discovery and it feels good to identify.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood? I am not so sure about that one. All it takes to survive is to keep breathing basically. I didn't have a choice as a child and my first suicidal ideation was at about 13 so I am not sure about that one at all. It was sure necessity, not strength.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA? Yes I can believe that one. Something stopped me from dying the time actually did attempt suicide. Something kept me going when I really just wanted to die.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone. Yes. I have this board, my spirituality, friends, my husband, my psychologist and me.
Wulfenia said
Dec 16, 2011
1.Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
I cannot tell. We all follow different paths, that is sure. And at this point I am the only one free of any adiction.
2.Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
I have met in person someone who is a declared ACOA and works on recovery. I know that behind any posting here there is a person writing, sharing, living and for now that as to be enough for me. I have seen an collegue of mine who come from the aproximate the same environment like I do, having almost the same behaviour once had: controling everything, copying the way people with authority behave etc etc
3.Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
I had a lot of gifts that helped me, yes. The passion I had as child for foreign languages opened new dimensions of information for me. Everything else was not in my hand.
4.Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
Yes, I never was alone. I was guided all the way and a lot of miser has been shown to me so that I can learn what to stay away from.
5.Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
I can love myself. I have very useful tools to take good care of myself.
Danie said
Dec 17, 2011
It feels so good reading all those posts as I can relate to everyone of them and let me know I am not alone and/or different. Believing in HP has been a long struggle and even today, I sometime have to ask HP to help me with my faith. I was raised in the catholic religion and as one member put it, I was wounded and have had to heal these wounds one at a time, one day at a time. My biggest difficulty has been to redefine my own HP. My second was to trust that HP. Today, my HP is my inner loving energy. This loving energy has never let me down as long as I take the time to includ it in my relationship, my actions, etc... It is stronger than evil and is the solution to all my problems today. Over the years, I have come to trust myself thru this loving HP. When my attitude sucks (and it does especially around the holidays), I am reminded to make a gratitude list and everytime I do, I am amazed at all the blessings I have in my life in spite of the fact that I am still living with active addicts. Yes, I do believe that although I did not believe, a loving HP was watching over me from the time I was born and I am grateful. Love in recovery.
JamesCT said
Dec 17, 2011
So glad to read everyone's responses. They are a boon to me. As to my own answers to the questions...
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
I often thought I was the most sane member of my family before I sought recovery, so yes, I do.
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
Yes, but what was more enlightening to me was that it was beneficial to me to know and interact with other ACoA. I never thought not being the only one helped, but certainly for this it does.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
Yes. I have no problem believing this.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
I have always felt a Higher Power was looking out for me.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
This has been hard, but yes, I now do.
flopadopilus said
Dec 18, 2011
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery? Yes, for sure.
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me? Yes, I can relate to them, which is nice.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood? Yes, for sure.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA? Yes!
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone? Yes, Yes and yes, ever since I found recovery a year ago things just keep getting better.
JamesCT said
Dec 19, 2011
More questions from the workbook:
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
LindaO said
Dec 21, 2011
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict? Yes I do. Even friendships most of the time.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?" hmmm... I was about to type out.. ohh yes in the past I have... then I stopped and thought about it. My husband is very passionate and complex. He is addicted to pot. Even when he doesn't smoke he is still a pot addict. He is not violent, but he is passionate. I will have to think about that a bit more for my current marriage. In the past however, yes definately, I have been given a black eyes and blood nose by a man that I then stayed with for a further 6 years. I didnt' use the words passionate or complex, but I certainly didn't acknowledge them as violent or chaotic either, that is hindsight that tells me that.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships? Yes. But that is also part of the personality disorder this history created in my head. In fact, on the continuum of BPD, ACoA is at the light end of the spectrum wiht full blown split personality type stuff at the other.
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful? Helpful yes. Again, this is a hindsight reflection. Prior to coming to the boards, in particular the Al Anon board, I did not see it that way, but yes, I have massive control issues which are disguised as helping. I am a Drug and Alcohol Nurse to boot so there ya go for a confirmation of that statement@!!!!.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations? I am not sure about this one. I can see that trait in my sister. I guess I have always wanted more from my partners. I want to be the most important thing intheir world. The number one priority in their life above all else. Literally. I guess no one can do this and be a healthy individual.
Wulfenia said
Dec 21, 2011
1.Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
Yes, I do. I do notice a change thou! My first bf was alcoholic and adicted to drama, plus had ssues with his Mom. The second one was "only" adicted to adrenaline and to what people would think about him. My present fiancee has no adictions yet still some unresolved bonding-problems with his Mom.
2.Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
I used to yes. Now I keep distance, I have learned sooo well what it means to have that in my life...
3.Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
Patterns? Yes. It is really amazing how some aspects keep repeating in my relationships... I know that there are lessons for me to learn so that I can move on and sometimes I even thought I have learned them, only to welcome again, a person with such an "aspect" into my life. All my relationships had sex-related problems. I guess one explanation would be that being a disfunctional person I atract disfunctional people. Disfunctional people have problems with sex, it is a simptom. Blaming others? Yes. I was uncapable to see tha I needed to change, or how exactly I needed to change in order to become sane. And I blame others for making me crazy. I still do it sometimes, only if I have a nercous breakdown, and only for a short time, then I come back on my feet and take responsability for myself.
4.Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
As far as my clarity allows me to see I have stoped with that. I allow people to be as they need to be and feel their part without having the need to interfere.
5.Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
Yes, I have tried to get suport, atention and afection from the mother of my fiancee. She cannot give, not to me nor to anyone else as she is limited in thinking and feeling. When I understood this I knew I didn't have to take anything personal from her.
JamesCT said
Dec 21, 2011
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
I have. I am actively mindfully trying to avoid relationships like that now that I am aware of the pattern.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
I did. They weren't ragers; they were "passionate". Right.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
The fits and restarts, yes. Blaming others, at least from my end, not so much.
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
I did back when I tried to control people. I actually gave that up years before I came to ACoA.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
I did. I had a tendency to pick women who could not love me in a way that made me feel loved.
ASpaceOdyssey said
Dec 21, 2011
I went back to get acquained with Step 1. Powerlessness as a child has resulted in binge-eating and alcoholism that I'm only just idenifying the core of rage and helplessness that lives at the bottom of all that muck--it was like living in a war zone of loony tuners. I WAS JUST A KID!
2. Unmanageable. Life is bottoming out as we speak. I'm smart and, let's face it manipulative, so I was able to forestall the foreclosure and beat down my employer for challenging u/e. But in a month there's the end of road. Have I stopped buying pizza, beer and cigs knowing my money will run out in a month? Nope. It's like playing Russian Roulette with my own life. [Will someone rescue me? Will I really be homeless? Will I really get to that point that I blow my brains out on the doors to the sanctuary--I am very angry with church-people, so really relate to the posts below about that subject--I mean I can see that defiant kid just double-daring the adult to do nothing and see what happens. This is actually a very dangerous time for me now.]
Step 2: Power greater than myself. Yes on that but I was also hoping to have some more tanngible connections in this new community I'm at. Joined a church, ran around trying to make friends, but I set myself up for failure and rejection. I have church colleagues, I mean I won't get stoned if I go back--and what's the use running away from somewhere again? I've got to work through this stuff sometime. I just get so tired of people thinking I'm too odd or inappropriate or weird or whatever. I KNOW I'm odd! I was raised by wolves!
But then this question kicks in--Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations? I kind of thought my expectations of my fellow siblings in Christ for a new person in a new community with no family were reasoanble, but apparently not. My counselor, also a Christian and a membr of that church too, told me that they really are mean, so I had to laugh, but I go in to new situations time and time again with this Pollyanna view of just being unique lovable self and it just backfires. I KNOW I dont have normal social skills. A little bit of extended grace goes a long way.
My relationships are with cold, unavailable men. Sometimes just unavailable. My longest relationship was an emotional affair with a married policeman who was on his 4th marriage. Emphasis on emotional. I turned away potentially good men and men who might have been good partners for me for an emotional affair with a married policeman who was on his 4th marriage! Even reading that, I want to give myself electro-shock.
I have murdered my sex drive ruthlessly (as I was a sex addict back in the day) and so I am single and celibate. No kids, estranged from family. I am in my late 40s and I can honestly say I have never had a healthy, loving, committed relationship. I am so sick of this numbness that I answered an ad on Craigslist for anonymous hotel sex. Blindfolded anonymous hotel sex. God forbid anyone should see my body.
flopadopilus said
Dec 23, 2011
1.Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict? Of course in my past. 2.Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?" I used to. 3.Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Absolutely. Is blaming others a theme in my relationships? Used to be. 4.Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful? yes 5.Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations? Yes, the ol going to the hardware store for bread analogy for sure.
2back1fwd said
Dec 23, 2011
i am an ACOA. For a very very long time I've focused too much on the first part of that step, the concept of a HP. I've gone through the emotions of hating the HP that sent me this life, but now i'm learning to focus on the second part that is about me, being restored.
In my teens I watched my A mom put herself through hell because of stresses of life she refused to deal with. She refused to change, paid the price for it, and put that worry and stress onto me. Now i carry it every moment of every day. It's not *MY* baggage, but I still carry it.
I'm a fixer, a people-pleaser, lost my identity to this disease and everything else. Lost friends, hubby, can't keep a job, can't maintain anything. All I do every single day is worry and live in fear, like i watched my A mom do.
Somewhere, deep inside, i want to be the opposite of her.. but it's scary. When I am me with her, that is a huge problem. But like the HP issue, its not about her.. its about me..
Step 2 questions
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
lol, no. Everyone in my family is seemingly sane, they're all 10,000 times more functional in the world than me. im the isolator.
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
no. i dont talk to people enough.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
sort of. after a while i just gave up. Not in the good way.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
maybe.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
hopefully someday
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
yup.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
Umm yup.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
yup
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
yup. i get irritated as @#$ when i do something and get nothing in return.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
yup
-- Edited by 2back1fwd on Friday 23rd of December 2011 07:04:28 PM
littlebluedaisy said
Dec 24, 2011
Wulfenia wrote:
I have a little bit of a problem with this formulation: 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. It is the "restore" that I cannot understand. So, for myself, I will have to rephrase
2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could bring us to sanity.
I couldn't agree more. I said the same thing to my sponsor. I believe this is more correct, because we cannot simply go back to what worked, because we never learned what works! It's a process of learning what will help us become sane. Thank you for this share. I feel better just knowing someone feels the way I do about this step. :)
-- Edited by littlebluedaisy on Saturday 24th of December 2011 12:08:40 PM
recognizingTRUTH said
Jan 6, 2012
This is what I had posted on the ACoA forum a couple months about Step 2. It is a good reminder for me.
--- Step 2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I don't know if I like the term "sanity." I saw another version of this step that used the term "clarity." I much prefer that term. I think part of the reason for my distaste for the term "sanity" is because it naturally includes the issue of "insanity." And with my mom's history of mental illness, well, I try to not to think of what is going on in my life as "insane."
AND YET, if I accept Einstein's definition of insanity as I "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Well, that would very well describe a lot of my previous (and some of my current) behaviours.
But before finding ACoA, I never tried allowing my HP to restore my life to "sanity" or "clarity" or "balance." I have asked my HP for help and for guidance, but I still assumed control. I thought that I had to be the one to do it. (Although much of the time, I really thought it was just impossible.)
I never thought that my HP could do it for me, through me.
But if I have truly accepted my powerlessness, then it can only be done through faith, right?
--- Questions from the Yellow Workbook for Step 2:
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
Well, my sister introduced me to ACoA, so I am not the only one seeking recovery. YAY! (Nevertheless, there have been many indications that I am the most sane member of my family. But sometimes I think it is because of the roles I took on as a child, as the peacemaker, and because I never allowed my feathers to be ruffled....so many of the traumas of my childhood had been minimized and allowed me to function effectively in many ways....unfortunately, i now see how these same roles are also biting me in the butt!
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
Thanks to ACoA, yes!
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
Definitely. I thank my HP for this. I can even thank my mother for a lot of this inner strength I have. She encouraged us to be strong and stand up for what was right....the problem is that she did not know how to model this behavior. Actions are indeed stronger than words.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
Definitely.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
YIKES. That is what I am struggling with. I am recognizing the fact that I can not do this alone. I need my HP's help. But this is still a work in progress.
More questions from the workbook:
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
I have not had many relationships, but yes. Thank God for my 20 yr relationship. He was a pot head, and I became a pot head myself. Since we quit smoking, his compulsion now focuses on controlling the household.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
Not really. I recognized the emotional and physical abuse for what it was. That doesn't mean I walked away from it. In fact, I seemed to encourage it.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts?
Not really. However, I don't have many relationships to refer to.
Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
OH YES! Because of my spouse's controlling behavior I blamed everything on him. All my mistakes and compulsions and addictions were his fault because I had to rebel against his controlling behavior. I allowed myself to be misled by my resentment and avoidance of accepting responsibility for my own behavior.
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
Probably. I control others through passive-aggressiveness, but I am often "blind" to this behavior until it is pointed out to me. Usually, however, I just through up my hands and assert that no one can control anything.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
Definitely. I have sought emotional acceptance from online communities. I have had long friendships with selfish women who just demanded stuff from me. Most importantly I have been addicted/codependent on my husband....expecting him to fill a hole in me that only my HP can fill.
llbrunner said
Jan 7, 2012
This step is a hard one for me. I was raised Episcopal and don't dislike church (though I don't go) but I am also gay and I recall in high school hearing a lot of negative things about gay people from some high school friends. I didn't know I was gay at the time but by the time I figured it out in my mid 20's, I already had a pre-conceived notion about what people would think of me. So...on top of the ACOA issues I had yet to even begin to deal with I had was working to come to terms with my sexual preferences which scared the hell out of me. That was a long time ago but the very outward negative and hateful rhetoric of some self-proclaimed Christians certainly did a lot to make me feel unwelcome and unloved by God. I have struggled with God, therefore, since then but I have come to realize also that (at least for me), I cannot and will not believe that a loving, merciful and kind God would hate anyone because of who I was created to love. Add the ACOA battles on top of that and what I grew up with and what I prayed for every night which never happened (which was happiness in my home, for my Dad to stop drinking and for my mom to stop crying and being so sad all the time) and God has been challenging. Having said all of that and with years behind me and hitting an ACA bottom...I am reaching up from faith to find a HP to help me recover from all these wounds. I loved the "Not Me" explination. It resonated and that is what I am going to go with from this point forward. I really needed to read/hear that JamesCT - Thank you.
Step 2 questions
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
Yes I do..
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
I intuitively have known this but it has come alive by reading these posts and attending meetings.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
I do believe this. Something got me this far...into college with no encouragement or plan for that by my parents, a very good job and career and just the fact that I am typing on this Blog on a Friday night while many of my friends are out dining and having wine, laughing and enjoying their lives while I sit here now pouring over posts and typing away trying to find a better way of living says that I am aware that I must do something different than I have been in order to climb out of the isolation I have created.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
I want to.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
I am starting to realize that I MUST ask for help and I think I love myself...but I sure get frustrated with me and, as someone else indicated...I so often feel so broken..that I feel even less and less able to attract and maintain a healthy person and relationship. there is so much I feel that I don't know "how" to do when it comes to healthy. that makes me very sad.
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
yes.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
Absolutely.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
Fits and restarts...six years of it with one person and yes, there is quite a bit of blaming both taking and giving.
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
Yes, sometimes.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
Yes and I seem to prefer people who cannot or will not ever meet them.
Nakoda said
May 9, 2012
Questions from the Yellow Workbook for Step 2:
Do I realize I may be the sanest member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
Yes, although one side of my family (one of my Moms who is white) never drank she is a mystery to me as I am a mystery to her. We are generally nice to one another but any complaint about the strictly surface level of our relationship falls on denial ears. Oh I would be more open but I dont want to burden you kind of thing. Sharing if forced is just awkward and seems really fake.
My other side of the family (my other Moms (and MIA Dad) who are Native-long story) were partiers and alcoholics but we are so close and talk about everything without discomfort. No one sought recovery through a 12 step program they used traditional healing practices which I would pursue as well if I were close to home. But I am not home and lucky to get back once in the summer and again in the fall to ceremony. I believe this is how I have allowed myself and others to become my HP and get in the way of my sanity.
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
Yes, I have read the other posts and can both intellectually as well as emotionally or spiritually feel the connection a.k.a. heart knowledge
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
Yes I know I am strong, stronger than most of the people I know I think, but I am not sure if this really benefits me. Inner strength kept me alive physically but also partly kept me from really living emotionally? Someone said once we try so hard to keep the beach ball under water thats all we concentrate on.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?Yes. He and they are with me and protected me during the bad times so that I could survive into the 7th generation.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
Yes. I have a sponsor who loves me unconditionally and helps me to feel better and to reach out and to risk honesty. I am doing my best to love myself.
abby36 said
Oct 7, 2013
Questions from the Yellow Workbook for Step 2:
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
I'm not so sure. I have coda, acoa, and addiction/ocd issues myself. In a way, yes, because my family doesn't know the destruction of the isms. In other ways, some of them are more healthy...
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
I hear so many stories I can relate to - the selfless codependence, the dishes flying, yelling, arguing, perfectionism. Yes, I relate.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
Yes, I believe I did. I have fared better than others in my family. I knew instinctively to stay away from hard drugs, and i did, despite the sick druggie family influences.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
Yes, I can see how it came up in my life at times to strengthen me.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
Yes, I have changed this way. I have been attending regular meetings, and I had a spell where i felt really guilty and was blaming myself, and I increased my psych appointments.
More questions from the workbook:
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
Yes, I am compulstive myself, and I found another. We are both acoa and struggle at times with compulsions.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
Hmm. I don't think so. I grew up with violence and I see it as abuse.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
I really used to blame. I do this much less now. I am even seeing my dad as kind of bumbling along and trying to help... He didn't intend such destruction.
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
Yes, I think this applies. I grew up around extended family who were especially cheery but very controlling.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
Yes, I sure do. I have relied on family who aren't there for me emotionally. I need to accept them as they are and as they were. It's my responsibility to get my own needs met.
JamesCT said
Oct 7, 2013
Excellent work, Abby. Thank you for sharing.
abby36 said
Oct 8, 2013
Thanks James!
Zabin said
Sep 13, 2014
I like the idea of Tony A of being given clarity, seeking through pray meditation and information from ACA exactly what has been going on in my life so far and picking up the tools offered in ACA to become the real, loving spiritual being that I am. The ACA programme is not easy to work but with a consistent effort it can produce wonderful results. What working this step meant for me was accepting that I was no longer alone, there were others like me, dealing with obsessiveness, compulsions, fear and pain and feeling completely insane. I did a lot of written work keeping the focus on myself, such an alien thing for me to do as I was always in someone else's business mentally and emotionally, there was no 'me' just a reactor to others. Victim, perpetrater this words fit me, freedom from the bondage of self is what I found working step 2. Doing my history work, the trait's, taking it easy, which was hard as I can be so intense, believing I was deserving of help and self care. I know this is a we programme but to get clarity I had to find and focus on me. Clarity brings forgiveness, acceptance of self and others, real understanding of my traits and where they originated from without blame or shame. I am life without the need to justify my existence or prove my worth to anyone, I love life
Kheirra said
Jan 24, 2015
Questions from the Yellow Workbook for Step 2:
1.Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
Yes.
2.Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
Now, finally, I do. And it is GOOD to not feel special!
3.Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
Yes.
4.Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
I believe that a Higher Power has helped give the courage that I needed to continue living.
5.Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
I know that I can ask for help now, I am still working on being able to love myself and find myself deserving.
From the ACA Steps:
2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Sometimes people who have problems with conventional religion or the concept of God have trouble with this step. One of the best things I ever did in this program was to help someone who was stuck here because of this. While I believe in God, the very kind person I was talking with did not and was having trouble getting behind the concept of a Higher Power.
As the way things go I had been thinking about this purely as an intellectual exercise and I just happened to have this conversation with him right after I formed my answer. I will repeat it here as best I can remember it.
Before I do, I feel I should tell you what the Yellow Workbook has to say on the subject, which I had not read at the time.
A note to the atheist or agnositc:
The ACA progam is for you. If you do not believe in God or a Higher Power, select something to be a power greater than yourself so that you can work the ACA program and receive healing results. Example: your ACA group or therapy group is a power greater than you since it meets regularly, discusses ACA issues and produces progress for its participants. Meanwhile, we ask that you keep an open mind about the spiritual nature of ACA and enjoy the fellowship's acceptance.
My answer:
While I am a man of faith, I can certainly understand why a person would have a problem with the concept of a directive consciousness over the universe. So much of the world is irrational and inexplicable. And bad things happen to good people with great regularity. So rejecting a beneficent diety, a "Santa Claus God" as you put it, makes a certain amount of sense.
However there is something that brought you to me today, that moved you to choose me to tell about your difficulty, that moved me over the course of the last few days to be thinking about this even though it is not my problem. And that was Not You.
You may want to give it the name Random Chance or Dumb Luck. You might want to be more positive and say it's the Natural Order of Things. But the key thing to remember is that it's Not You.
The ultimate purpose of Step 2 in my mind is a pairing with Step 1. Step 1 talks about how we as individuals cannot do it entirely ourselves. This is an evident fact. If we could have done it entirely ourselves, we would have already freed ourselves from our ACoA chaos.
Step 2 is telling us that we need help from Not Us, that we cannot do it alone and that it is okay to allow Not Us to help us. Step 2 does not absolve us from responsibility in us doing the work. It simply acknowledges we will need more help than we ourselves as individuals can provide.
Something makes the Earth spin on its axis and makes the Earth orbit the sun. Call it God or call it Newtonian Physics. But it is Not Us. And what the program is asking you to do is to believe that something that is Not You may and will help you.
If you're struggling here, I hope that either what the Yellow Workbook said or what I said may be of assistance to you.
This is the last of the two steps that I have taken and the rest will be fresh ground for me.
Step 2 for me. I have always held a belief in a power greater than myself. In fact, it is a higher self that I believe in. My conscience, my good and bad, my ying and yang. I sure don't make the seasons change but something does. Science maybe, sure, I will go with that also. Science is all about energy and matter. That is what we are. No less and no more than all other forms of matter in this universe.
To be restored to sanity, we must first acknowledge that we lost sanity.
I blamed my Dad for so long. I still do at times. I hated him for what he did to us and our family.. what he did to my Mum... What he turned me into as a young adult. If it weren't for his alcoholism I wouldn't have been through what I went through.... HIs fault. It was hard to see my part in it. The insanity it made me participate in.
I chose to do things that I wouldn't choose now. I lost my sanity.. my grip on reality. My life was unmanageable and I believed that I could make it manageable by controlling everything. If things were the way I wanted them, and people did as they 'should' then everything will be ok....
That is insanity.
The other definition of insanity.. doing what you have always done and expecting a different result.
I had to change and do something different. I know there is universal energy helping me. There is a power greater than me that can put my mind in a healthier place to deal with what I have to go through to recover from my own past.
Having faith in a God is slightly different to believing s/he can restore us to sanity. We have to step out of denial and accept we were insane (or at least doing soem things that defied logic), and that our idea of God is the one that can restore that.
For me, little baby jesus in a basket is a wonderful god.. but that is not what I am putting faith in to restore my sanity.
For me, its all about Chi and the energies that move my mind... its the universal power of all 'gods' and of our own higher self that does that, and if baby jesus wants to help that energy... then I can accept that.
For others, yeah it may be the energy and power found in the rooms of ACoA..... as long as it works for you then its ok.
Like the first step, I worked this one in reverse, I did the last part first because I resonated to these steps in that way. I saw first what I held true in my self esteem and then found the first parts of these steps were a ego issue for me. They were not supportive of that strong independent streak I developed as I did my utmost to hit the outside air and sunlight or cold, as soon as I could, since I can remember. That stubborn hard headed and determined personality helped me be safe for the most part as I was without a chain or leash or a adult to watch for my safety.
I grew up in a family of what today are called evangelicals and I closed down to the teachings because of the fear engendered. I feared enough in my home, I didn't have room for their remedies. It took all I had to stay clear of situations at home. I did develop a kinship with a leader of a group of kids my age (I was 5) that was religious and stern, but her religion was less strenuous in worship and was my interest. I was baptized at 15 in that faith and by 16 I had taken a better look and kept to the outer edges of the services and teachings etc.
My first 12 step meeting, Al anon, July 25, 1968, mentioned God in a sign I saw on the wall shortly after arriving. I would have left but I was a bit late and the meeting had already begun. I kept looking for the bibles and listening for the sermon or whatever to begin and before I knew it I was crying. The person talking to the group was saying things that I had only kept deep in my thoughts. My tears became sobs and by the end of the meeting I was so glad to know I had finally found my place of a belief in a "higher power" and I certainly knew I was leading a unmanageable life and was teetering on the very rim of total insanity.
I drove home and knew I had reached a place in my life to want to belong to. I had found words I totally identified with as the people spoke around the table. I had found a higher power, a Higher Power, cause it took one to get me on the best tack for the first time in my life.
That same Higher Power who waited for me to find Him/Her, even tho I prayed and begged and carried on conversations with Her/Him quietly most of the time as I walked or played alone as a young child, and then as a older person, driving alone was a time for a conversation with this Higher Power. Still is.
It is so nice to have a Power greater than myself. My low self esteem was so far down it came up the other side and was the extreme opposite as I felt. I knew all about me was a failure and knew more than any power or spirit. It took a long time cause I am as hard headed as has ever been made, but my faith and hope that was a part of me due to a sweet Aunt of mine and a Grandmother who helped a bit too, who held me up and then a couple of teachers who helped me be a bit more tolerant of learning, and a policeman (who was our school bus driver) from whom I learned about social authority.
I have done insane things and have thought them or said them too. I have done things and said things that were worthy of praise also. They seem to have balanced out pretty much. But I was raised by a alcoholic mother and eventually the husband who stayed was a hypochondriac, so I earned my qualifications for this program that I needed for many years now. Many years.
I've arrived, and my self esteem is still in question, and the progression of a disease I was not aware of until I had alienated members of my family and finally my two children. It has done its thing and left a trail for me to realize I was afflicted with a progressive disease. I was down to someone who I have a long distance relationship with after being celibate for 25 years, not even dating. I didn't trust my ability to partner. This relationship is my third as a "cougar" and I wanted to be sure I had not destroyed it. I knew somewhere there was help for me and after a few Coda meetings I found ACA. I am truly grateful. I am in this relationship by a thread and am holding on. Loneliness is not so great for me, I have learned.
I am honored to be a part of this group. Working these steps with this format is very attractive. And I can do it from home. :D
Love through the 12 and 12,
Karen kb
As a non-christian I struggle with finding a fellowship where I belong. I have attended spiritual gatherings and left totally disenchanted and disappointed by the feelings and people I encountered. I feel like I lack faith and that is a very challenging topic for me. I have delayed moving on to step three because I just don't feel ready. I'm looking for some assistance on ways to cultivate my spirituality and find fellowship. I have located a non-denominal church and intend to go, but I'm having a hard time getting over my resentments from the past with religion.
I would like to thank JamesCT for his post. I found "NOT ME" is the best way I've heard higher power summed up. Sometimes I get lost when things that are long and detailed. "Keep It Simple" definitely helps me. Thank you for your share.
Please keep sharing. The more people post, the more I learn. Thank you for this board. Have a great day!
As to my own dealings with Step 2, it was the believing that I could be restored to sanity that was the stumbling block. It seems strange that someone who believes in a Higher Power could then doubt its efficacy in restoring sanity, but that feeling of hopelessness was stubbornly resistant to logic. It used the weight of accumulated evidence to suggest that any belief in healing was unfounded.
However, the counter to that for me was reminding myself that ACA was a different approach than anything I had tried previously. The definition of insanity is often said to be doing the same thing and expecting a different result. It is also equally insane to do something different and expect the same result.
Once that was clear to me, that I was trying something different and that by that very fact the program had a chance to succeed, I was fully open to this step.
Higher power is "Not Me". I am starting to see this.
How do I know there is a power greater than myself and that it can restore [me] to sanity?
I am not sure. I notice though more and more that when I am deep into my crazy thinking and believing it with all of my heart, something comes to help me out of the crazy thinking.
Today at work. I was sure I was a failure. So sure of it. And I ended up on a phone call with a superior, and a comment he made in passing about perfectionism was like a gong in my head - oh, I am in the perfectionism/beat self up thinkign again.
That I ended up on the phone with that person at that time who made that passing comment - That is a power greater than myself.
So it seems to me.
I am a newbie in my opinion, with 1.5 years in the program, and a lot of old habits and fears haunting me every day still. Fear is a big one. I will need a power greater than myself to break my old thinking.
I am beleiving that posting here is an email to a power greater than myself.
Just like sharing in a meeting is a communication out, out of my lonely head, to a higher power.
thanks for sharing. I have been in recovery in another program for 20 years and have recently hit my ACA bottom, I believe. I am working out of the yellow workbook with a sponsor and still am struggling at bit.
my issue is that I have a bad picker. my recent relationship is with an active addict and I have reached new levels of insanity in my behavior, attitudes and actions than ever before. I am astounded by the power of this disease and its effects... i grew up with a mother who married alcoholic after alcoholic so I came to see these people as normal and a part of my life. I didn't know any different. My childhood was full of fear and there was a lack of emotional support and i missed out on getting alot of my needs met.
so here i am, finding i have an "addiction" to people. i get my self-worth from rescuing and "helping" others to my detriment, herein lies the insanity that i have been experiencing.
My recent person was my HP for a while....i lost my spiritual contact and went insane trying to fix and watch and cure this person. I am at the bottom and tired of it.
My HP is going to restore me to sanity because He has done it for others. My sponsor is having me start praying and thanking Him and looking for the good in my life because it is always here. i feel a connection happening again but it is also taking going to meetings and calling people and reaching out.
thanks
For the alcoholics it surely is different. There was a period of time before their alcoholism started. So they can be restored to that level again. We, the ACOAs, were born this way.
So, for myself, I will have to rephrase
2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could bring us to sanity.
That's better. :)
I know there is something bigger than myself. I cannot understand the way it "works" and maybe I am not supposed to know it. I felt the greater power than myself when my Mom died. The day we burried her, this un-understood presence came into the room where I was sleeping with my sister. I felt its touch, the calm energy. My sister did it too. I felt it again the evening when I stoped smoking. I was crying and asking for help to get free from that adiction. It came again into the room and touched me and took away the urge to lighten a cigaret.
I had an atheist education and sometimes it kicks in again, the not-believing. In those phases I need to believe in the power of the internet, the people that are there, at the other end of the line, who can help.
I'm glad you found an alternate phrasing that will help, but as to the use of the term "restore"...
Presuambly while one may be born to an insane family, one is not born insane. Sanity is our original state, even if it has been since infancy when we have acheived it.
Questions from the Yellow Workbook for Step 2:
Haqahahaha this one made me giggle initially. I am not, because my father found AA and my Mum went to Al Anon and now my sister is finally getting psych help.
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me? OH yes I realise this one very much now I have found this site and the books. That has been a recent discovery and it feels good to identify.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood? I am not so sure about that one. All it takes to survive is to keep breathing basically. I didn't have a choice as a child and my first suicidal ideation was at about 13 so I am not sure about that one at all. It was sure necessity, not strength.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA? Yes I can believe that one. Something stopped me from dying the time actually did attempt suicide. Something kept me going when I really just wanted to die.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone. Yes. I have this board, my spirituality, friends, my husband, my psychologist and me.
I cannot tell. We all follow different paths, that is sure. And at this point I am the only one free of any adiction.
2.Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
I have met in person someone who is a declared ACOA and works on recovery. I know that behind any posting here there is a person writing, sharing, living and for now that as to be enough for me. I have seen an collegue of mine who come from the aproximate the same environment like I do, having almost the same behaviour once had: controling everything, copying the way people with authority behave etc etc
3.Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
I had a lot of gifts that helped me, yes. The passion I had as child for foreign languages opened new dimensions of information for me. Everything else was not in my hand.
4.Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
Yes, I never was alone. I was guided all the way and a lot of miser has been shown to me so that I can learn what to stay away from.
5.Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
I can love myself. I have very useful tools to take good care of myself.
Yes, I do believe that although I did not believe, a loving HP was watching over me from the time I was born and I am grateful.
Love in recovery.
So glad to read everyone's responses. They are a boon to me. As to my own answers to the questions...
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
I often thought I was the most sane member of my family before I sought recovery, so yes, I do.
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
Yes, but what was more enlightening to me was that it was beneficial to me to know and interact with other ACoA. I never thought not being the only one helped, but certainly for this it does.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
Yes. I have no problem believing this.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
I have always felt a Higher Power was looking out for me.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
This has been hard, but yes, I now do.
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me? Yes, I can relate to them, which is nice.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood? Yes, for sure.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA? Yes!
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone? Yes, Yes and yes, ever since I found recovery a year ago things just keep getting better.
More questions from the workbook:
Yes I do. Even friendships most of the time.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
hmmm... I was about to type out.. ohh yes in the past I have... then I stopped and thought about it. My husband is very passionate and complex. He is addicted to pot. Even when he doesn't smoke he is still a pot addict. He is not violent, but he is passionate. I will have to think about that a bit more for my current marriage. In the past however, yes definately, I have been given a black eyes and blood nose by a man that I then stayed with for a further 6 years. I didnt' use the words passionate or complex, but I certainly didn't acknowledge them as violent or chaotic either, that is hindsight that tells me that.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
Yes. But that is also part of the personality disorder this history created in my head. In fact, on the continuum of BPD, ACoA is at the light end of the spectrum wiht full blown split personality type stuff at the other.
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
Helpful yes. Again, this is a hindsight reflection. Prior to coming to the boards, in particular the Al Anon board, I did not see it that way, but yes, I have massive control issues which are disguised as helping. I am a Drug and Alcohol Nurse to boot so there ya go for a confirmation of that statement@!!!!.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
I am not sure about this one. I can see that trait in my sister. I guess I have always wanted more from my partners. I want to be the most important thing intheir world. The number one priority in their life above all else. Literally. I guess no one can do this and be a healthy individual.
Yes, I do. I do notice a change thou! My first bf was alcoholic and adicted to drama, plus had ssues with his Mom. The second one was "only" adicted to adrenaline and to what people would think about him. My present fiancee has no adictions yet still some unresolved bonding-problems with his Mom.
2.Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
I used to yes. Now I keep distance, I have learned sooo well what it means to have that in my life...
3.Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
Patterns? Yes. It is really amazing how some aspects keep repeating in my relationships... I know that there are lessons for me to learn so that I can move on and sometimes I even thought I have learned them, only to welcome again, a person with such an "aspect" into my life. All my relationships had sex-related problems. I guess one explanation would be that being a disfunctional person I atract disfunctional people. Disfunctional people have problems with sex, it is a simptom.
Blaming others? Yes. I was uncapable to see tha I needed to change, or how exactly I needed to change in order to become sane. And I blame others for making me crazy. I still do it sometimes, only if I have a nercous breakdown, and only for a short time, then I come back on my feet and take responsability for myself.
4.Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
As far as my clarity allows me to see I have stoped with that. I allow people to be as they need to be and feel their part without having the need to interfere.
5.Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
Yes, I have tried to get suport, atention and afection from the mother of my fiancee. She cannot give, not to me nor to anyone else as she is limited in thinking and feeling. When I understood this I knew I didn't have to take anything personal from her.
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
I have. I am actively mindfully trying to avoid relationships like that now that I am aware of the pattern.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
I did. They weren't ragers; they were "passionate". Right.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
The fits and restarts, yes. Blaming others, at least from my end, not so much.
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
I did back when I tried to control people. I actually gave that up years before I came to ACoA.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
I did. I had a tendency to pick women who could not love me in a way that made me feel loved.
2.Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?" I used to.
3.Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Absolutely. Is blaming others a theme in my relationships? Used to be.
4.Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful? yes
5.Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations? Yes, the ol going to the hardware store for bread analogy for sure.
In my teens I watched my A mom put herself through hell because of stresses of life she refused to deal with. She refused to change, paid the price for it, and put that worry and stress onto me. Now i carry it every moment of every day. It's not *MY* baggage, but I still carry it.
I'm a fixer, a people-pleaser, lost my identity to this disease and everything else. Lost friends, hubby, can't keep a job, can't maintain anything. All I do every single day is worry and live in fear, like i watched my A mom do.
Somewhere, deep inside, i want to be the opposite of her.. but it's scary. When I am me with her, that is a huge problem. But like the HP issue, its not about her.. its about me..
Step 2 questions
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
lol, no. Everyone in my family is seemingly sane, they're all 10,000 times more functional in the world than me. im the isolator.
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
no. i dont talk to people enough.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
sort of. after a while i just gave up. Not in the good way.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
maybe.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
hopefully someday
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
yup.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
Umm yup.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
yup
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
yup. i get irritated as @#$ when i do something and get nothing in return.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
yup
-- Edited by 2back1fwd on Friday 23rd of December 2011 07:04:28 PM
-- Edited by littlebluedaisy on Saturday 24th of December 2011 12:08:40 PM
---
Step 2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I don't know if I like the term "sanity." I saw another version of this step that used the term "clarity." I much prefer that term. I think part of the reason for my distaste for the term "sanity" is because it naturally includes the issue of "insanity." And with my mom's history of mental illness, well, I try to not to think of what is going on in my life as "insane."
AND YET, if I accept Einstein's definition of insanity as I "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Well, that would very well describe a lot of my previous (and some of my current) behaviours.
But before finding ACoA, I never tried allowing my HP to restore my life to "sanity" or "clarity" or "balance." I have asked my HP for help and for guidance, but I still assumed control. I thought that I had to be the one to do it. (Although much of the time, I really thought it was just impossible.)
I never thought that my HP could do it for me, through me.
But if I have truly accepted my powerlessness, then it can only be done through faith, right?
---
Questions from the Yellow Workbook for Step 2:
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
Well, my sister introduced me to ACoA, so I am not the only one seeking recovery. YAY! (Nevertheless, there have been many indications that I am the most sane member of my family. But sometimes I think it is because of the roles I took on as a child, as the peacemaker, and because I never allowed my feathers to be ruffled....so many of the traumas of my childhood had been minimized and allowed me to function effectively in many ways....unfortunately, i now see how these same roles are also biting me in the butt!
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
Thanks to ACoA, yes!
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
Definitely. I thank my HP for this. I can even thank my mother for a lot of this inner strength I have. She encouraged us to be strong and stand up for what was right....the problem is that she did not know how to model this behavior. Actions are indeed stronger than words.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
Definitely.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
YIKES. That is what I am struggling with. I am recognizing the fact that I can not do this alone. I need my HP's help. But this is still a work in progress.
More questions from the workbook:
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
I have not had many relationships, but yes. Thank God for my 20 yr relationship. He was a pot head, and I became a pot head myself. Since we quit smoking, his compulsion now focuses on controlling the household.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
Not really. I recognized the emotional and physical abuse for what it was. That doesn't mean I walked away from it. In fact, I seemed to encourage it.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts?
Not really. However, I don't have many relationships to refer to.
Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
OH YES! Because of my spouse's controlling behavior I blamed everything on him. All my mistakes and compulsions and addictions were his fault because I had to rebel against his controlling behavior. I allowed myself to be misled by my resentment and avoidance of accepting responsibility for my own behavior.
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
Probably. I control others through passive-aggressiveness, but I am often "blind" to this behavior until it is pointed out to me. Usually, however, I just through up my hands and assert that no one can control anything.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
Definitely. I have sought emotional acceptance from online communities. I have had long friendships with selfish women who just demanded stuff from me. Most importantly I have been addicted/codependent on my husband....expecting him to fill a hole in me that only my HP can fill.
This step is a hard one for me. I was raised Episcopal and don't dislike church (though I don't go) but I am also gay and I recall in high school hearing a lot of negative things about gay people from some high school friends. I didn't know I was gay at the time but by the time I figured it out in my mid 20's, I already had a pre-conceived notion about what people would think of me. So...on top of the ACOA issues I had yet to even begin to deal with I had was working to come to terms with my sexual preferences which scared the hell out of me. That was a long time ago but the very outward negative and hateful rhetoric of some self-proclaimed Christians certainly did a lot to make me feel unwelcome and unloved by God. I have struggled with God, therefore, since then but I have come to realize also that (at least for me), I cannot and will not believe that a loving, merciful and kind God would hate anyone because of who I was created to love. Add the ACOA battles on top of that and what I grew up with and what I prayed for every night which never happened (which was happiness in my home, for my Dad to stop drinking and for my mom to stop crying and being so sad all the time) and God has been challenging. Having said all of that and with years behind me and hitting an ACA bottom...I am reaching up from faith to find a HP to help me recover from all these wounds. I loved the "Not Me" explination. It resonated and that is what I am going to go with from this point forward. I really needed to read/hear that JamesCT - Thank you.
Step 2 questions
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
Yes I do..
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
I intuitively have known this but it has come alive by reading these posts and attending meetings.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
I do believe this. Something got me this far...into college with no encouragement or plan for that by my parents, a very good job and career and just the fact that I am typing on this Blog on a Friday night while many of my friends are out dining and having wine, laughing and enjoying their lives while I sit here now pouring over posts and typing away trying to find a better way of living says that I am aware that I must do something different than I have been in order to climb out of the isolation I have created.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
I want to.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
I am starting to realize that I MUST ask for help and I think I love myself...but I sure get frustrated with me and, as someone else indicated...I so often feel so broken..that I feel even less and less able to attract and maintain a healthy person and relationship. there is so much I feel that I don't know "how" to do when it comes to healthy. that makes me very sad.
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
yes.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
Absolutely.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
Fits and restarts...six years of it with one person and yes, there is quite a bit of blaming both taking and giving.
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
Yes, sometimes.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
Yes and I seem to prefer people who cannot or will not ever meet them.
Questions from the Yellow Workbook for Step 2:
Yes, although one side of my family (one of my Moms who is white) never drank she is a mystery to me as I am a mystery to her. We are generally nice to one another but any complaint about the strictly surface level of our relationship falls on denial ears. Oh I would be more open but I dont want to burden you kind of thing. Sharing if forced is just awkward and seems really fake.
My other side of the family (my other Moms (and MIA Dad) who are Native-long story) were partiers and alcoholics but we are so close and talk about everything without discomfort. No one sought recovery through a 12 step program they used traditional healing practices which I would pursue as well if I were close to home. But I am not home and lucky to get back once in the summer and again in the fall to ceremony. I believe this is how I have allowed myself and others to become my HP and get in the way of my sanity.
Yes, I have read the other posts and can both intellectually as well as emotionally or spiritually feel the connection a.k.a. heart knowledge
Yes I know I am strong, stronger than most of the people I know I think, but I am not sure if this really benefits me. Inner strength kept me alive physically but also partly kept me from really living emotionally? Someone said once we try so hard to keep the beach ball under water thats all we concentrate on.
Yes. I have a sponsor who loves me unconditionally and helps me to feel better and to reach out and to risk honesty. I am doing my best to love myself.
Do I realize I may be the most sane member of my family because I am seeking recovery?
I'm not so sure. I have coda, acoa, and addiction/ocd issues myself. In a way, yes, because my family doesn't know the destruction of the isms. In other ways, some of them are more healthy...
Do I realize that I am not unique and that other adult children think and act like me?
I hear so many stories I can relate to - the selfless codependence, the dishes flying, yelling, arguing, perfectionism. Yes, I relate.
Can I come to believe that I have had an inner strength all along that helped me survive an abusive childhood?
Yes, I believe I did. I have fared better than others in my family. I knew instinctively to stay away from hard drugs, and i did, despite the sick druggie family influences.
Can I come to believe that a Higher Power has been with me always and helped me survive until I could find ACA?
Yes, I can see how it came up in my life at times to strengthen me.
Do I believe I can love myself and ask for help? That I don't have to do this alone?
Yes, I have changed this way. I have been attending regular meetings, and I had a spell where i felt really guilty and was blaming myself, and I increased my psych appointments.
More questions from the workbook:
Do I tend to get involved in relationships with an addict or other compulsive personality such as a workaholic or sex addict?
Yes, I am compulstive myself, and I found another. We are both acoa and struggle at times with compulsions.
Do I mislabel violent and chaotic relationships as "passionate" and "complex?"
Hmm. I don't think so. I grew up with violence and I see it as abuse.
Do my relationships show a pattern of intensity, indifference, and fits and restarts? Is blaming others a theme in my relationships?
I really used to blame. I do this much less now. I am even seeing my dad as kind of bumbling along and trying to help... He didn't intend such destruction.
Do I mask my need to control others by appearing cheerful or helpful?
Yes, I think this applies. I grew up around extended family who were especially cheery but very controlling.
Do I try to get my needs of love and happiness met by people who cannot do enough for me or who cannot meet my expectations?
Yes, I sure do. I have relied on family who aren't there for me emotionally. I need to accept them as they are and as they were. It's my responsibility to get my own needs met.
Excellent work, Abby. Thank you for sharing.
I like the idea of Tony A of being given clarity, seeking through pray meditation and information from ACA exactly what has been going on in my life so far and picking up the tools offered in ACA to become the real, loving spiritual being that I am. The ACA programme is not easy to work but with a consistent effort it can produce wonderful results. What working this step meant for me was accepting that I was no longer alone, there were others like me, dealing with obsessiveness, compulsions, fear and pain and feeling completely insane. I did a lot of written work keeping the focus on myself, such an alien thing for me to do as I was always in someone else's business mentally and emotionally, there was no 'me' just a reactor to others. Victim, perpetrater this words fit me, freedom from the bondage of self is what I found working step 2. Doing my history work, the trait's, taking it easy, which was hard as I can be so intense, believing I was deserving of help and self care. I know this is a we programme but to get clarity I had to find and focus on me. Clarity brings forgiveness, acceptance of self and others, real understanding of my traits and where they originated from without blame or shame. I am life without the need to justify my existence or prove my worth to anyone, I love life