ADMITTED TO GOD ,TO OURSELVES AND ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THE EXACT NATURE OF OUR WRONGS
COURAGE TO CHANGEPAGE 311
What is the exact nature of my wrongs?Is it the embarrassing moment, the words spoken in anger, the dishonesty?
For me, the exact nature of my wrongs is the unspoken, self defeating assumptions that give rise to my thoughts and actions.
These include notions that my best is not good enough. , that I am not worthy of love and that I have been hurt too deeply to every really heal.
If I dig deep enough, I usually find thoughts such as these beneath the things I feel worst about.I am learning to examine whether or not there
is any truth to these assumptions.Then I can begin to build my life around a more realistic, more loving way of seeing myself.
Today Reminder
Living with alcoholism has taken a huge toll on my self esteemAs a result I may not recognize how many of my faults are built on a faulty sense of self.
That is why a 5th Step is so enlightening and cleansing .Together with my Higher Power and another person I I can change life long patterns
My Share on the 5th Step
My first 5 th step was done with much fear and trembling Admitting is a big word for me because it meant that I could no longer avoid my part in the happenings of my life.I had to eliminate blaming others, minimizing my part and justifying my actions
Admit brought me to that place within myself where I could not longer hide behind my old false tools.
The Step also asks that I reveal the "Exact nature of My Wrongs". The Motives behind my destructive behavior. The many actions I took to manipulate people to do what I wanted,. For example: being kind to get my own way, having a hidden agenda and on and on. These were all tools I learned in childhood and they worked for a long time. When they no longer worked I found alanon and the steps in order to shed the old destructive negative actions so I could learn how to be honest and supportive without sacrificing myself
The exact nature of my wrong was that
I was afraid to be imperfect I could never let myself make a mistake so I took no risks
I trusted no one so I let no one close.
I tried to fix others and their problems so they could not get to know me and I felt better than them
I was angry with God because the world was difficult and I could not always get my way
I participated in gossiping, criticizing and judging others to feed my ego and feel better about myself
I loved to feed my self pity as another way of justifying my resentments.
I did not want to be human and have feelings because
I did not know how to own my feelings only how to react to other people's feelings had a ton of resentments within my heart because I blamed others for my mistakes I could not take responsibility for my actions and life I wanted to hide behind others and feel safe .These issues kept me focused on others trying to fix them so that I would feel better .
Owning these few very important facts about myself to HP, Myself and another al anon member was the most freeing action I have ever taken. I began to feel as if I was human and that was OK I did not have to be perfect nor know all the answers. I could be perfectly imperfect and that was fine. I needed to become entirely ready to release these destructive attitudes so that I could:
Learn how to Focus on myself, Take constructive actions for myself and become the person I always wanted to be but did not know how. Most importantly I discovered that I was not alone and my actions were not Terrible just destructive to a healthy way of life..l How I acted and what I did were very human
This step is the beginning of a life long effort to focus on myself, see what I am doing to hurt myself, own it and ask HP to lift it.
I now willing do a 4 and 5 step every year around this time and am so very grateful for the opportunity
Activities
1. Have you taken a formal Fifth Step? What was the impact of that on your life and your feelings about yourself?
2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact?
3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say?
4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done. Then tell God.
5. Each morning for the next week, when you wake up, take a moment to notice what you're feeling. Often, we're at our most vulnerable in those quiet moments before we begin the activity of the day. Check in with yourself emotionally. Take a moment to tell God what you're feeling. Tell yourself. Within the next four hours, sooner if possible, tell someone else what you are feeling. You don't have to make a "feelings group" out of it; just disclose honestly what you are feeling. Do this same activity once more during the day - either at the end of the workday, after supper, or during a quiet time in the evening.
6. The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.
flopadopilus said
Jan 26, 2012
1. Have you taken a formal Fifth Step? What was the impact of that on your life and your feelings about yourself? ~~I am doing it right now with my sponsor and it has been so freeing and helped me with acceptance in a huge way in regards to me and others.
2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact? ~~I have been a complainer and would call everyone about every drama that happened to me. I am sure many close people were tired of my victim role far sooner than I was.
3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say? ~~ I feel like I need to have a sit down with my exMIL, but I don't trust her to be able to be open, honest and or beyond her own sickness to do it well. I have tried before and just made it worse. I am working on letting go of resentments with her and forgiving her. My sponsor said to just write it all down what i wanted to say to her and to let it go. She isn't in a place that I could take it to her face to face, which makes it hard, but makes sense. The same with my ex-AH with my list of things I am not proud of while I was married to him, but he is not in a healthy place that I would give him more amunition against me with where he is at.
4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done. Then tell God. ~~ I was snappy with my best friend a couple nights ago and the very next morning I called and apologized and made no excuses to her.
5. Each morning for the next week, when you wake up, take a moment to notice what you're feeling. Often, we're at our most vulnerable in those quiet moments before we begin the activity of the day. Check in with yourself emotionally. Take a moment to tell God what you're feeling. Tell yourself. Within the next four hours, sooner if possible, tell someone else what you are feeling. You don't have to make a "feelings group" out of it; just disclose honestly what you are feeling. Do this same activity once more during the day - either at the end of the workday, after supper, or during a quiet time in the evening.
6. The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.~~I am feeling a mix of feelings, fear about an upcoming move, blessedness about my kids, pleasure in waking up and getting some chores done that I had procratinated long enough.
hotrod said
Jan 27, 2012
Great input Karen Thanks for sharing your recovery
Jerry F said
Jan 28, 2012
The open, non-fearful aspect of Step 5 was also a big door opener for me. Keeping all those secrets and crazy thoughts and feelings was just like feeding a boil that just got bigger and bigger and hurt worse and worse over a long long time. A part of the metaphor for me on the step was once finding the door I was terrified to open it and working with my sponsor I learned to take the risk to do that. Where initially my thoughts were that there were life threatening monsters on the other side when I finally did practice the courage of opening it and peeking out what I first experienced was bright, clear light before I slammed it closed again. No monsters!! When again with further help from my sponsor and maybe a counselor at that time I opened the door and held it open and looked out I discovered something very unique and inviting. When my sponsor asked me what it was I responded...."Another door". There has always been another door as long as I remain in program and continue to grow beyond my wildest expectations.
Mahalo for the shares on 5...((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 28th of January 2012 06:01:35 AM
Pushka said
Feb 2, 2012
1. Have you taken a formal Fifth Step? What was the impact of that on your life and your feelings about yourself?
I have not taken a 5th yet.
2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact?
I don't know if I am sharing who I am or if I am playing out the victim role. 2 years ago, I was playing a role. Now I just know when I need someone to talk to and I'm a verbal person anyway. I am much more willing to look at things from a larger perspective that I am not perfect and I do go to what part did I play in the situation.
3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say?
Yes, I have at least 7 people I know I can pick up the phone any time and they will be there to listen to me. I am working on discernment. I know there are people in my life who don't know what I'm going through and honestly they don't need to know. Yes .. there are more than 5 I can think of off the top of my head. Some are not even in the area however at some point I will have to address the issue.
4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done. Then tell God.
I know I'm not perfect, I don't think I've done anything outright "bad" or what I would define as "badly". If I had to take a gander it would probably be less patience with the kids. I have in frustration probably said things that have escalated situations than helped. They were stupid little critical things that really had no importance outside of feeling frustrated considering what is going on now. I have really been trying to apologize as soon as an event has happened.
5. Each morning for the next week, when you wake up, take a moment to notice what you're feeling. Often, we're at our most vulnerable in those quiet moments before we begin the activity of the day. Check in with yourself emotionally. Take a moment to tell God what you're feeling. Tell yourself. Within the next four hours, sooner if possible, tell someone else what you are feeling. You don't have to make a "feelings group" out of it; just disclose honestly what you are feeling. Do this same activity once more during the day - either at the end of the workday, after supper, or during a quiet time in the evening.
I've been really aware of what I feel in the mornings. It's a litmus test as far as where do I need to start my day. Is it a quiet moment, is it listening to some music, is it making a gratitude list. Knowing how I feel when I wake up gives me that moment to take a breath and allow things to just flow through me.
6. The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.
I noticed when I'm talking about what's going on and I feel my heart start to race I can say .. my heart is really racing talking about this, let me take a breath .. it's been a great feeling because as I say it the racing will stop or at least slow down and then I talk about how I feel in that one moment.
Thanks for letting me share :) P :)
hotrod said
Feb 2, 2012
Great Work Lisa
These Steps truly saved my life and opened the door to such freedom.
i agre with Jerry, a whole new world opened to me and I can see you are on your way
Thanks for sharing the journeye
Isurrender said
Mar 20, 2012
1. Have you taken a formal Fifth Step? Yes. Multiple times. What was the impact of that on your life? Peace of mind. Relief from shame. Your feelings about yourself? Disgust at my own self-centered behavior.
2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? Yes. When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Last week. Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact? Both. Depends on what it is and who's available to listen.
3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? No. Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? No. Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say? No.
4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? No.
5. I feel irritable.
6. OK. But I really prefer to talk to people in person instead of on the phone.
Wolfie55 said
Apr 9, 2012
I did my fifth step on March 23, 1998 with a member of Al-Anon who had about 15 years in the program. Afterward, I figured that since she knew all my deep dark secrets I'd either have to kill her or marry her. I didn't want to go to jail so I married her. You can read about our first date somewhere on the regular board. Its also been printed in the AA Grapevine May 2010. Ok,there goes my humility again.
All I can say about this step is that I needed to do it in order to feel complete. After all, how could I possibly do the rest of the steps unless I did this one. And besides, I had all those things, those emotions and all that garbage, stuffed down inside of me where I hoped it would never see the light of day. I carried it around with me wherever I went and once I got it out in the open, most of it turned out to be not so bad after all. Now I can look the world in the eye. I can be alone at perfect peace and ease.
Peace of mind is the best sleeping pill in the world.
And although it wasn't my intention, I got Nancy as a gift for doing the right thing.
hotrod said
Apr 9, 2012
Bernie
Great share So much for a" fearless inventory"
It sounds as if you are both fortunate to have made this connection.
ADMITTED TO GOD ,TO OURSELVES AND ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THE EXACT NATURE OF OUR WRONGS
COURAGE TO CHANGEPAGE 311
What is the exact nature of my wrongs?Is it the embarrassing moment, the words spoken in anger, the dishonesty?
For me, the exact nature of my wrongs is the unspoken, self defeating assumptions that give rise to my thoughts and actions.
These include notions that my best is not good enough. , that I am not worthy of love and that I have been hurt too deeply to every really heal.
If I dig deep enough, I usually find thoughts such as these beneath the things I feel worst about.I am learning to examine whether or not there
is any truth to these assumptions.Then I can begin to build my life around a more realistic, more loving way of seeing myself.
Today Reminder
Living with alcoholism has taken a huge toll on my self esteemAs a result I may not recognize how many of my faults are built on a faulty sense of self.
That is why a 5th Step is so enlightening and cleansing .Together with my Higher Power and another person I I can change life long patterns
My Share on the 5th Step
My first 5 th step was done with much fear and trembling Admitting is a big word for me because it meant that I could no longer avoid my part in the happenings of my life.I had to eliminate blaming others, minimizing my part and justifying my actions
Admit brought me to that place within myself where I could not longer hide behind my old false tools.
The Step also asks that I reveal the "Exact nature of My Wrongs". The Motives behind my destructive behavior. The many actions I took to manipulate people to do what I wanted,. For example: being kind to get my own way, having a hidden agenda and on and on. These were all tools I learned in childhood and they worked for a long time. When they no longer worked I found alanon and the steps in order to shed the old destructive negative actions so I could learn how to be honest and supportive without sacrificing myself
The exact nature of my wrong was that
I was afraid to be imperfect I could never let myself make a mistake so I took no risks
I trusted no one so I let no one close.
I tried to fix others and their problems so they could not get to know me and I felt better than them
I was angry with God because the world was difficult and I could not always get my way
I participated in gossiping, criticizing and judging others to feed my ego and feel better about myself
I loved to feed my self pity as another way of justifying my resentments.
I did not want to be human and have feelings because
I did not know how to own my feelings only how to react to other people's feelings had a ton of resentments within my heart because I blamed others for my mistakes I could not take responsibility for my actions and life I wanted to hide behind others and feel safe .These issues kept me focused on others trying to fix them so that I would feel better .
Owning these few very important facts about myself to HP, Myself and another al anon member was the most freeing action I have ever taken. I began to feel as if I was human and that was OK I did not have to be perfect nor know all the answers. I could be perfectly imperfect and that was fine. I needed to become entirely ready to release these destructive attitudes so that I could:
Learn how to Focus on myself, Take constructive actions for myself and become the person I always wanted to be but did not know how. Most importantly I discovered that I was not alone and my actions were not Terrible just destructive to a healthy way of life..l How I acted and what I did were very human
This step is the beginning of a life long effort to focus on myself, see what I am doing to hurt myself, own it and ask HP to lift it.
I now willing do a 4 and 5 step every year around this time and am so very grateful for the opportunity
Activities
1. Have you taken a formal Fifth Step? What was the impact of that on your life and your feelings about yourself?
2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact?
3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say?
4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done. Then tell God.
5. Each morning for the next week, when you wake up, take a moment to notice what you're feeling. Often, we're at our most vulnerable in those quiet moments before we begin the activity of the day. Check in with yourself emotionally. Take a moment to tell God what you're feeling. Tell yourself. Within the next four hours, sooner if possible, tell someone else what you are feeling. You don't have to make a "feelings group" out of it; just disclose honestly what you are feeling. Do this same activity once more during the day - either at the end of the workday, after supper, or during a quiet time in the evening.
6. The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.
2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact? ~~I have been a complainer and would call everyone about every drama that happened to me. I am sure many close people were tired of my victim role far sooner than I was.
3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say? ~~ I feel like I need to have a sit down with my exMIL, but I don't trust her to be able to be open, honest and or beyond her own sickness to do it well. I have tried before and just made it worse. I am working on letting go of resentments with her and forgiving her. My sponsor said to just write it all down what i wanted to say to her and to let it go. She isn't in a place that I could take it to her face to face, which makes it hard, but makes sense. The same with my ex-AH with my list of things I am not proud of while I was married to him, but he is not in a healthy place that I would give him more amunition against me with where he is at.
4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done. Then tell God. ~~ I was snappy with my best friend a couple nights ago and the very next morning I called and apologized and made no excuses to her.
5. Each morning for the next week, when you wake up, take a moment to notice what you're feeling. Often, we're at our most vulnerable in those quiet moments before we begin the activity of the day. Check in with yourself emotionally. Take a moment to tell God what you're feeling. Tell yourself. Within the next four hours, sooner if possible, tell someone else what you are feeling. You don't have to make a "feelings group" out of it; just disclose honestly what you are feeling. Do this same activity once more during the day - either at the end of the workday, after supper, or during a quiet time in the evening.
6. The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.~~I am feeling a mix of feelings, fear about an upcoming move, blessedness about my kids, pleasure in waking up and getting some chores done that I had procratinated long enough.
Great input Karen Thanks for sharing your recovery
The open, non-fearful aspect of Step 5 was also a big door opener for me. Keeping all those secrets and crazy thoughts and feelings was just like feeding a boil that just got bigger and bigger and hurt worse and worse over a long long time. A part of the metaphor for me on the step was once finding the door I was terrified to open it and working with my sponsor I learned to take the risk to do that. Where initially my thoughts were that there were life threatening monsters on the other side when I finally did practice the courage of opening it and peeking out what I first experienced was bright, clear light before I slammed it closed again. No monsters!! When again with further help from my sponsor and maybe a counselor at that time I opened the door and held it open and looked out I discovered something very unique and inviting. When my sponsor asked me what it was I responded...."Another door". There has always been another door as long as I remain in program and continue to grow beyond my wildest expectations.
Mahalo for the shares on 5...((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 28th of January 2012 06:01:35 AM
I have not taken a 5th yet.
2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact?
I don't know if I am sharing who I am or if I am playing out the victim role. 2 years ago, I was playing a role. Now I just know when I need someone to talk to and I'm a verbal person anyway. I am much more willing to look at things from a larger perspective that I am not perfect and I do go to what part did I play in the situation.
3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say?
Yes, I have at least 7 people I know I can pick up the phone any time and they will be there to listen to me. I am working on discernment. I know there are people in my life who don't know what I'm going through and honestly they don't need to know. Yes .. there are more than 5 I can think of off the top of my head. Some are not even in the area however at some point I will have to address the issue.
4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? You may want to choose someone safe and trusted and tell that person what you have done. Then tell God.
I know I'm not perfect, I don't think I've done anything outright "bad" or what I would define as "badly". If I had to take a gander it would probably be less patience with the kids. I have in frustration probably said things that have escalated situations than helped. They were stupid little critical things that really had no importance outside of feeling frustrated considering what is going on now. I have really been trying to apologize as soon as an event has happened.
5. Each morning for the next week, when you wake up, take a moment to notice what you're feeling. Often, we're at our most vulnerable in those quiet moments before we begin the activity of the day. Check in with yourself emotionally. Take a moment to tell God what you're feeling. Tell yourself. Within the next four hours, sooner if possible, tell someone else what you are feeling. You don't have to make a "feelings group" out of it; just disclose honestly what you are feeling. Do this same activity once more during the day - either at the end of the workday, after supper, or during a quiet time in the evening.
I've been really aware of what I feel in the mornings. It's a litmus test as far as where do I need to start my day. Is it a quiet moment, is it listening to some music, is it making a gratitude list. Knowing how I feel when I wake up gives me that moment to take a breath and allow things to just flow through me.
6. The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.
I noticed when I'm talking about what's going on and I feel my heart start to race I can say .. my heart is really racing talking about this, let me take a breath .. it's been a great feeling because as I say it the racing will stop or at least slow down and then I talk about how I feel in that one moment.
Thanks for letting me share :) P :)
Great Work Lisa
These Steps truly saved my life and opened the door to such freedom.
i agre with Jerry, a whole new world opened to me and I can see you are on your way
Thanks for sharing the journeye
What was the impact of that on your life? Peace of mind. Relief from shame.
Your feelings about yourself? Disgust at my own self-centered behavior.
2. Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? Yes.
When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Last week.
Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact? Both. Depends on what it is and who's available to listen.
3. Is there someone in your life now whom you need to talk to? No.
Is there something going on - a feeling, a need, or an issue - that you don't want to talk about, but need to? No.
Is there someone you're avoiding because you have something difficult to say? No.
4. In the past week, have you treated yourself or another person badly? No.
5. I feel irritable.
6. OK. But I really prefer to talk to people in person instead of on the phone.
All I can say about this step is that I needed to do it in order to feel complete. After all, how could I possibly do the rest of the steps unless I did this one. And besides, I had all those things, those emotions and all that garbage, stuffed down inside of me where I hoped it would never see the light of day. I carried it around with me wherever I went and once I got it out in the open, most of it turned out to be not so bad after all. Now I can look the world in the eye. I can be alone at perfect peace and ease.
Peace of mind is the best sleeping pill in the world.
And although it wasn't my intention, I got Nancy as a gift for doing the right thing.
Bernie
Great share So much for a" fearless inventory"
It sounds as if you are both fortunate to have made this connection.