STEP 8

MADE A LIST OF ALL WE HAD HARMED AND BECAME WILLING TO MAKE AMMENDS TO THEM ALL

Quote from  Courage to Change Page 101

With this Step  we sort out our part, taking responsibility for our actions and also releasing ourselves ---from the burden of falsely held responsibilities

Reading from The One Day At a Time in Alanon  Page 174

Today I consider, quietly and deeply, Step 8:

  Made a List of All persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to the all

The central thought is WILLINGNESS- to admit our errors so as to clear our inner consciousness of guilt.

The only action tis Step calls for is to MAKE a List.  I can do this by allowing the nagging guilts rise to the surface of my mind ready to be disposed of so they can trouble me no more.

TODAYS REMINDER

Whom have I injured? Certainly those closest to me---family.  I know that my hostile attitude to the alcoholic has been hurtful.  Have I also damaged my children by subtly indoctrinating them with contempt for their alcoholic parent?  Have I communicated my anxiety and resentment to them? Have I taken out my frustration on them?

Our Eighth Step Places us on the Threshold of freedom from self-hate.  It opens the door to new peace of mind which once enjoyed, we will never want to lose

My Share,

I love these steps. They have shown me the importance of taking important actions with much thought, in sequence and in order. Step 8 is no exception.

It asks me :

1 To Me to Make a List of all I have Harmed

2 To become ready to make amends to them all

Broken down into manageable portions this Step doesnt seem so overwhelming.

First I had to ask myself: To define the type of Harm I had done. In reviewing my 4 and 5 Step I found that most of the harm I had done to others was: in doing for them what they should and could do for themselves. I took away their initiative and their feeling of accomplishment by taking the credit for activities they could have achieved. I harmed other by gossiping and judging them. Most importantly I harmed others by ignoring them, not including them, deciding I did not like them and just walking away without explanation. I was running on feelings and forgot about principles.

The person I harmed the most was placed at the top of my list and that was myself.

I had mistreated myself just as I had mistreated others. I had not validated my assets, I had withdrawn from situations without participating and all in all I had lived in a world of Denial and Pretend.

Since I was first on my list of amends I made the amends to myself first. These amends consisted of: preparing a gratitude list and asset list each day. ,attending at least 5 meetings a week, working the alanon program with a sponsor, sharing a meetings, using the slogans ODAT focused on myself letting go of my defects. In about 6 months I found I had become entirely ready to make amends to others on my list.

I urge you to begin this step it is the road to freedom.

Activities

1. Have you started your list yet? Have you made a mental list of the people you believe you have harmed?

2. Would you like peace and healing in your relationship, even in those you don't wish to maintain? What are the barriers to healing that are still within you?

3. What are the relationships, past or present, that bother you the most?

-- 

Officially I have not yet started this step, actually I'm still working on step 1. However, this step is something I did years ago before I ever found this program.

I learned several years ago how important it is to make ammends. I have a friendship that goes back to church nursery. She and I have had some doozys of fights. We've both had to apologize. I almost wasn't in her wedding, because of my jealousy over her life. Fortunately I realized I needed to apologize. 4 years later she was matron of honor in my wedding.

I had to write a letter to my college roommate thanking her for the fact that she protected me from me and loving me when I was unlovable. She is still part of my life and I am thankful. We went several years not speaking and I am so thankful that we reconnected.

I can see where the first person I would need to make amends to is myself. I love this step, even though I haven't officially reached it. They say that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Similarly if you hold onto the hurt and don't work through the ammends that need to be made it hurts you!

I can also understand how sometimes you don't need to reach out to someone, it would only hurt them. Instead just letting go of a past hurt once and for all will suffice in helping you move forward. I can think of one in particular where it was someone I dated and it would benefit neither of us for me to contact him. Instead I let it go and I am mindful of how I can continually be aware of when I need to step up and ask forgiveness, including being mindful of taking care of me.

Thank you.

Alanon is 'the mother ship' for me.

I have done the middle steps a number of times...

as the recovery formula changes I look at these again.

I have no wish to repeat them but want 'to fill in the gaps'.

I have done the steps 4 thru 7 face to face, and also using

the 'Blueprint for Progress'

One thing i have found useful and inspiring is a short book

by Claire Leefsma- "Peace Be With Us" This was written for

clarity and for healing after the holocaust.

Afgter a severe and horrific experience of true victimhood

Claire writes and lives a true and telling inventory of her

own conduct, and her own doubts and fears.

I took this from the heart to the heart... a really solid and 

truly revealing share...

...not sure where that leaves me. I slip back to steps two and three...

hmmmm.... real food for thought.

-DavidG.

Step 8 has evolved in the true honesty required by the program and the characteristics of compassion and empathy for others...including others "I" have harmed or helped harm from the past for whatever justification I used at that time.  Step 4's requirements are   searching,   fearless, and    moral or the difference between good and bad.  Step 8 has me facing "my part in it" only and the people "my part" harmed.  I did 8 several times as my inventory memory improved.  "All persons" is just that for me...I leave no one out so that there is nothing to trip over in the future if and when a forgotten event comes to the surface.  I became willing and then anxious the first step 8 I did; anxious because of fear of judgment, condemnation and other fears that arose from inside my ego and pride; however later on those problems didn't arise again and the anxiety I felt then was the fear of not following thru with my amends on the newfound list of people I had harmed.  In time memory will release forgotten past harms...no problem just repeat the process as I have learned it.  Not long ago I had that happen...something that I had done as a Sophmore in High School which required the hounds of police to descend upon me and another school partner.  What I did was crazy and inexcusable.  It was dangerous in that it could have physically harmed others who had no idea what and why it was happening.  It hurt the reputation of the private school I was attending and it hurt my parents and family and I was put on probation for 2.5 years until I left school.  It gave me a record with the Legal system and while not all of what resulted qualifies it for an 8th step...just the fact that I harmed others does.  I did an 8th on it and then followed up with letters to those I had harmed.  One responded and one didn't.  The one that responded told me that they were able to use it for good and prayed on it.  They were grateful for the 8th step also.  I won't have to be concerned anymore about this past.

It works when you work it.  (((((hugs)))))

My name is David and i am an ACA and a grateful member of Alanon. I live over here at New Zealand. I was always interested in reovery. The government came in here and built a huge dam. Amongst the construction crews were quite a few AA's. We formed a local Alanon group. My sponsor was a member and her hubby became my co-sponsor. We formed a joint sharing Steps group [which is still going strong]. So I got a good grounding in the steps and traditions.

Inside of the 12 step family we work together to make things work... we look at the many similarities.

Recently someone came in and made a doco about the dam. while on camera I was asked if I had firebombed the information centre some years ago. there were always rumours I had had something to do with is. This was an awful accusation- I had a lot to do with the contruction crews and theor families- bu ta lot of that was anonymous.

I get hooked up in the cycle of blame and shame... I should not feel any responsibility for another person's actions. At the time I was not questioned by the police. They had no neeed to. Beside that I had no idea who had firebombed the facility.

for me recovery is a balancing act... at one time it felt like i was trying to walk a tightrope between tall buildings. Nowadays i picture myself walking a plank six inches off the ground. Not too far to fall!

thanks for the share... aroha-nui.... DavidG

A lot of people say: 'don't fight city hall'. I have done this a fair bit and slso fought the gummint as well.

i did some good things... I got our local hall and church rebuilt because the old ones were flooded by a man made lake. And other stuff like that.

when the dam people came some of our locals sided with them... mostly they were above water and not really affected- they could see the advantages.

Some conflict is inevitable becaue of my family background i overdid a fair bit. Most of the things i advocated helped the whole community but did little to help me or my family personally.

After sharing this step 8 thing I sent off a letter to put things straight. I folowed it with an email setting out clearly what was worrying me [I don't always do that]

this is quite stressful for me... but i got an email reply this morning. I gave them room to move... they set a new boundary... this was about the firebombing in town years ago. it didn't burn the building down.

City hall said they thought is was students from out of town. Not everyone believed this... they wanted scapegoats- but now it is official.

being an adult child is like playing 500- sometimes I have to play a mazere hand, if you know what I mean.

I feel better today... I feel like now I kin walk round town with my head up and meet people in the eye.

Thanks for being here... thanks to the programme

cheers,

David.