9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
The making of amends proved a tricky affair for me, in that I did not anticipate some of the injury that resulted.
I tired to make amends to my ex-girlfriend by giving her back something she had asked for and trying to give her closure, but the conversation set her on a course to repeatedly defame me on her blog.
I left my first fiancée alone, as she is now presumably happily married, as well as the girlfriend that followed.
I tried to do right by my ex-wife, but she too turned hostile and blew up our separation agreement, which resulted in my using a legal maneuver to get divorced without her cooperation.
But just as it is important to want to make things right, it is equally important to actually make things right when you can.
I think eight is harder than nine, but I believe they work hand in hand.
DavidG said
Mar 20, 2012
JamesCT wrote:
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
I did a Step 9 last week... I wa sinspired by the step board here- thanks James.
It was a long letter- three typed pages.
I did a follow up on the Sunday night by email... and got an email reply the next day...
...this week I can walk round town with my head held high...
-David.
LindaO said
Mar 23, 2012
this one may take me a while I think
flopadopilus said
Mar 25, 2012
I did amends with my exAH and let him know that I was not the person I thought I was in our marriage and all teh complaining and blaming I did was unhealthy. I owned a lot of things that went wrong in our marriage and I asked for his forgiveness and he gave it. It was nice and freeing.
LindaO said
Mar 27, 2012
I can imagine it would be.
I really am not there yet.
I am ready to ask myself for forgiveness at this point and I can stop beating myself up. I am doing the radical self forgiveness book at the moment.
Others... facing my ex for a conversation.. mmmm.. not yet.
He is already on a high horse and badmouths me to everyone saying how terrible I was. Not sure I want to give more ammunition?
How does one get past the bitterness in order to make ammends?
LindaO said
Mar 27, 2012
I am reading the yellow workbook. there are stories in there from people who have done this. They talk of writing letters that never get sent to people they had harmed. such as example is an exhusband. the pain of bringing up the past may be too great for both parties and this may fall into the 'unless to do so would harm'. The ammends is never repeating that behaviour. That is the self forgiveness part. No point in saying sorry and then going to confession and doing it all over again and then apologise again.
It talks about doing other things to address the past misbehaviour. I work as a drug and alcohol counsellor. I help people that are affected by addiction. I give money to charity (I stole alot in the past), and I never ever steal anything anymore. I have had affairs and I now tell my husband everything and refuse to have anything to do with 'other men' that he is not fully involved with at all times. Even a coffee. I will either say no, or invite my husband. It is not his rule.. it is mine, fully self imposed. Full transperancy and disclosure so I can trust myself.
I report domestic violence. I develop training courses and deliver the training to teach other people how to deal respectfully with people with addictions.
It talks about being willing to release resentments. This I am finding hard. I am not sure I am even willing to release the resentments that I carry yet. That is a scarey thing to do.
The workbook says we can lay down the guilt and shame of our past. I have alot of that.. funnily enough, I didn't feel so much guilt and shame before the steps, I feel more now, as I understand my part in all of this. I have been a sex worker, a thief, a professional helper, a fighter (good and bad) and taken drugs myself. I have also been a wonderful person too.
I can blame my parents for that.... but why should I? It is mine to pack away and never ever go back to. I abandoned myself and I must repair that relationship first I think.
My parents have been in this program since I was 8. I have never recieved a formal amends or apology. They seem to think giving me a 'good' upbringing free from alcohol was all I needed. I realise now that my parents still live in denial.
Perhaps I could do the same thing and reward thier belief that their ammends worked? Maybe I could just give them a big hug and say.. thankyou... I am doing ok now. That would make all of us happy and not threaten thier denial either.
Is that a step 9?????
JamesCT said
Mar 27, 2012
Linda, it sounds like a step 9 act to me.
As to your question "How do you get past the bitterness?" for me the answer was that I didn't. As you have noted, people whom I have harmed in some instances harmed me, equally if not worse. But it's not about having our indignation assuaged. We will have to go on with the thought that our apologies will never come. This step is to free us, for us to take ownership of our actions, for us to be genuinely sorry, and for us to make up for it where we can. It's a little like paying pennance, except it comes from not a place of punishment but a place of healing and spreading healing. At least that's how I see it.
DavidG said
Mar 27, 2012
This is a topic... Step nine.... it doesn't mean that I feel compelled to do one right here and now!
Like turning round and beating myself with a bigger stick.
My dad admitted to me he lived in an alcoholic home to some extent.
His stepfather cme to live while he and and his mum and dad were still together. The interloper was a practising doctor as well as a practising alcoholic. Dad said he would pee into a tin which sat under his bed and tip it out under the rose bushes in the morning.
That was one adult conversaton my father had with me! Bingo!
flopadopilus said
May 3, 2012
Linda I was reading back about your step 9 and noticed your question about bitterness, it does say only to make amends to the person if it brings no harm, it sounds like it would bring harm so you let it go to your HP. I had to do that with my exMIL she isn't healthy enough to have a conversation with. It is sad but she is lost and blames me for the downfall of her son's alcoholism although I met him years after he was well on his way and well his dad drank through most his childhood, so I know it isn't my fault but she doesn't. I would never giver her more reason to blame me at this point, so I say my amends to her out loud and let it go whenever I feel it boiling in me. I hope this helps.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
The making of amends proved a tricky affair for me, in that I did not anticipate some of the injury that resulted.
I tired to make amends to my ex-girlfriend by giving her back something she had asked for and trying to give her closure, but the conversation set her on a course to repeatedly defame me on her blog.
I left my first fiancée alone, as she is now presumably happily married, as well as the girlfriend that followed.
I tried to do right by my ex-wife, but she too turned hostile and blew up our separation agreement, which resulted in my using a legal maneuver to get divorced without her cooperation.
But just as it is important to want to make things right, it is equally important to actually make things right when you can.
I think eight is harder than nine, but I believe they work hand in hand.
I really am not there yet.
I am ready to ask myself for forgiveness at this point and I can stop beating myself up. I am doing the radical self forgiveness book at the moment.
Others... facing my ex for a conversation.. mmmm.. not yet.
He is already on a high horse and badmouths me to everyone saying how terrible I was. Not sure I want to give more ammunition?
How does one get past the bitterness in order to make ammends?
there are stories in there from people who have done this. They talk of writing letters that never get sent to people they had harmed. such as example is an exhusband. the pain of bringing up the past may be too great for both parties and this may fall into the 'unless to do so would harm'.
The ammends is never repeating that behaviour. That is the self forgiveness part. No point in saying sorry and then going to confession and doing it all over again and then apologise again.
It talks about doing other things to address the past misbehaviour. I work as a drug and alcohol counsellor. I help people that are affected by addiction. I give money to charity (I stole alot in the past), and I never ever steal anything anymore. I have had affairs and I now tell my husband everything and refuse to have anything to do with 'other men' that he is not fully involved with at all times. Even a coffee. I will either say no, or invite my husband. It is not his rule.. it is mine, fully self imposed. Full transperancy and disclosure so I can trust myself.
I report domestic violence. I develop training courses and deliver the training to teach other people how to deal respectfully with people with addictions.
It talks about being willing to release resentments. This I am finding hard. I am not sure I am even willing to release the resentments that I carry yet. That is a scarey thing to do.
The workbook says we can lay down the guilt and shame of our past. I have alot of that.. funnily enough, I didn't feel so much guilt and shame before the steps, I feel more now, as I understand my part in all of this. I have been a sex worker, a thief, a professional helper, a fighter (good and bad) and taken drugs myself. I have also been a wonderful person too.
I can blame my parents for that.... but why should I? It is mine to pack away and never ever go back to. I abandoned myself and I must repair that relationship first I think.
My parents have been in this program since I was 8. I have never recieved a formal amends or apology. They seem to think giving me a 'good' upbringing free from alcohol was all I needed. I realise now that my parents still live in denial.
Perhaps I could do the same thing and reward thier belief that their ammends worked? Maybe I could just give them a big hug and say.. thankyou... I am doing ok now. That would make all of us happy and not threaten thier denial either.
Is that a step 9?????
Linda, it sounds like a step 9 act to me.
As to your question "How do you get past the bitterness?" for me the answer was that I didn't. As you have noted, people whom I have harmed in some instances harmed me, equally if not worse. But it's not about having our indignation assuaged. We will have to go on with the thought that our apologies will never come. This step is to free us, for us to take ownership of our actions, for us to be genuinely sorry, and for us to make up for it where we can. It's a little like paying pennance, except it comes from not a place of punishment but a place of healing and spreading healing. At least that's how I see it.
This is a topic... Step nine.... it doesn't mean that I feel compelled to do one right here and now!
Like turning round and beating myself with a bigger stick.
My dad admitted to me he lived in an alcoholic home to some extent.
His stepfather cme to live while he and and his mum and dad were still together. The interloper was a practising doctor as well as a practising alcoholic. Dad said he would pee into a tin which sat under his bed and tip it out under the rose bushes in the morning.
That was one adult conversaton my father had with me! Bingo!