Our Common Welfare Should Come First; Personal Progressfor the Greatest NumberDepends on Unity
One Day at a Time in Alanon Page322
If I have made myself part of an Al Anon Group to get help, wouldnt I be defeating MYSELF if I allowed what we call personality clashes to interfere with my getting the full benefit of the program.
TODAYS REMINDER
I WILL MAKE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN EVERY PERSON IN THE GROUP.I WILL NOT CRITIZE ANYONE ON A PERSONAL BASIS.If there are disagreements on principles, they can always be resolved by consulting the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
WE PENALIZE OURSELVES WHEN WE ALLOW DISAPPROVAL OF ANOTHER PERSON TO ENDANGER THE UNITY OF THE GROUP
ANYTHING THAT DAMAGES THE GROUP INTERFERES WITH ITS ABILITY TO FUNCTION FOR THE GOOD OF EACH PERSON IN IT
MY SHARE
Hi everyone when I first heard this Tradition read at a meeting I felt my defenses go way up.It sounded just like the rules in my dysfunctional Family.In that Family there was a Party Line Everyone HAD to believe in the same thing we had to like the same people, believe the same political party, the same religious beliefs and dislike the same people.
Any disagreement and you were out of favor.Everyone ganged up on you, talked about you and gave you the cold shoulder.When you finally agreed that they were right then you were welcomed back to the unity of the group.Where we thought as one and walked as one.That was the only experience I had with the word Unity that I experienced.
I hesitated at first but did not closedown.I kept coming back and watching this Tradition and all the Traditions in action I found that the powerful words contained in this Tradition had different meanings than they had in my family
For Example Unity: was very simple I was asked to merely, treat everyone with courtesy and respect, tonot judge others, take their inventory, gossip about them. By doing this we could all express our ideas, our beliefs, our pain, sadness and joy and still be united in our common bond of trying to recover from the effects of living with the disease of alcoholism.I found I could easily perform this part of the tradition
Common Welfare, Wow another big one for someone who has lived with this disease. I know I tried hard to find a common ground in my alcoholic family and by so doing, I surrendered my principles, my soul, my likes my very being. I became invisible.Al Anon stated that the common welfare of each member was their recovery from living with the disease of alcoholism. In order to recover we needed to keep our meetings focused on recovery and treat each other with courtesy and respect and not be diverted from our goal by any other issue. Another part of the tradition that was manageable.
Personal Progress Another difference from Family of Origin. We did not want to change or progress we feared any new suggestion and innovations.In alanon we are encouraged to progress.Take little steps to change and progress out of thedespair into the light.What a great goal to work toward
I love this Tradition it assures me of a safe place to explore my vulnerable inner being and learn how to express my true self in a constructive manner.
I would love to hear your ESH on this topic.Thanks for letting me share.
Questions of Tradition One:
Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends uponunity.
1.Am I in my group a healing, mending, integrating person, or am I divisive? What about gossip and taking other members inventories?
2.Am I a peacemaker? Or do I, with pious preludes such as "just for the sake of discussion," plunge into argument?
3.Am I gentle with those who rub me the wrong way, or am I abrasive?
4.Do I spout platitudes about love while indulging in and secretly justifying behavior that bristles with hostility?
DavidG said
May 13, 2012
hotrod wrote:
Tradition One (1)
Our Common Welfare Should Come First; Personal Progress for the Greatest Number Depends on Unity
One Day at a Time in Alanon Page 322
Thanks Betty,
My name is David and I am a proud member of Alanon.
I am sifting through my mind to focus on this one tradition... all or most of the traditions flood through my mind. And I pause, and deep breathe for a moment. I do not have to rush in and respond to them all- not all at once. The traditions became the backbone of my life... but they came in parts- and by gpoing through them I learned how they were connected.
As I share I hope to fold the four pointers at the end into the dough. Having integrated the 12 steps I prepare to build boundaries with the outside world.
from my experience within Alanon I know now it is about "progress, not perfection". My family was far from perfect. "Fairness' was a big deal in our family. But it was impossible to be fair to everyone all of the time.
Unity I know is not just about 'the majority'. its about hearing all the voices. And especially its about listening.
Listening [to others] was not a big thing in my FOO.
In our closing it says: "You may not like all of us, but you will love us in a special way, the same way we already love you."
I have heard this read many many times- but as I write it down myself it bring ears to my eyes. it has an awesome power.
People come into the rooms from all walks of life. Some might not be able to read. Or to pernounce all of them big words.
No big deal... some we know from our community... others we would otherwise never talk with.
When I began with Alanon I was full of worry. At times I took other people's worries home with me. [I did not breach their anonymity of course.]
I would come back to a meeting and find that the person had 'moved on' in their their thinking. Over time this experience taught me to detach with loving kindness.
I love this Tradition it assures me of a safe place to explore my vulnerable inner being and learn how to express my true self in a constructive manner.
Yes, I want to keep this pinned here...
I know if I keep rabitting on I won't be holding up another share... lol
But here in the Traditions I am learning discipline- and getting to communicate in a strong constructive way.
About the points you raise Betty.
In my family I think my mum's policy was "peace at any price." And of course I rebelled against that. And also I broke the silence code by coming to Alanon.
I heard the saying- fairly sure it is not an officlal one.
"Neither provoke, nor avoid an argument."
If something needs saying, or something needs doing, as a member I have a right and a duty to speak out. I have the right to be wrong. I am in a safe nurturing environment.
I can take baby steps... close to the ground if I fall.
i did this this week in another forum- I took a risk...
a slightly longer step... but it did work out.
I am glad and proud to be with Alanon. It gave me a strong sense of unity, and of family now...
Thanks Betty, and thanks for reading...:>)
-David.
hotrod said
May 13, 2012
Dear David
I agree completely. I too found the sense family and unity in the rooms of alanon.
Thanks for your honest and insigtful share.
Glad that you are part of my family
Wolfie55 said
May 14, 2012
I love the traditions because they always remind me that I can sometimes be not nearly as well as I think I am. And thank you Betty for taking the time to do this, and also to include a few questions from the checklist. Oh, perhaps I should introduce myself in case anyone doesn't know me yet. My name is Bernie and I am a grateful member of Al-Anon for going on 17 years. I'm also....wait a minute.....just flipping through the service manual....ah, there it is. pg. 39 in my service manual but I have an old one.
Sometimes in an Al-Anon Group's suggested welcome the chairperson may say that "we wish members of other anonymous fellowships to remain anonymous and to focus on the Al-Anon Program". So, whenever I hear that said in the suggested welcome I don't mention that I'm also a recovered alcoholic with 14 years plus change. If an Al-Anon group uses that statement in their format and I do draw attention to my involvement in AA, then I inadvertently violate the first tradition by not maintaining group unity. I'm very conscious of these types of things because I do not ever wish to be the reason someone doesn't come here or the reason someone doesn't share because they're afraid it might get back to their A.
In my primary fellowship, the fellowship from which Al-Anon sprang and flowered, we have a statement of responsibility (Al-Anon has a similar phrase called the Declaration) and we also a declaration of unity that says: "this we owe to AA's future. to place our common welfare first. to keep our fellowship united. For on AA unity depend our lives and the lives of those to come." I feel quite dedicated to doing that and I feel just as dedicated to protecting Al-Anon's future. For on its unity also depends our lives and the lives of those to come. All of the traditions teach us humility and sacrifice of the clamor of personal desires within us for what greater calamity could there be than a suffering spouse or family member or friend of an alcoholic showing up at an Al-Anon meeting only to find that Al-Anon had closed its doors, that it had withered away and died because of bickering among group members, judgements, hostility, or gossip of other members.
I attended and was an active participant in a MCYPAA conference this weekend. That's a conference for young people in AA. Al-Anon and Alateen were also there. We went to meetings of all the fellowships, the workshops, we played recovery jeopardy - our team won by the way - we had a pizza party instead of a banquet, and we nearly danced ourselves into a coma last night. Not once did I feel that I didn't belong no matter which meeting we were at. Not once was I made to feel that I wasn't welcome. So for all intents and purposes, Al-Anon and Alateen are alive and well in Nova Scotia. And,God willing, it will remain alive for many years to come.
-- Edited by Wolfie55 on Monday 14th of May 2012 03:39:18 AM
hotrod said
May 14, 2012
Hi Bernie
Thanks for your informative response. Yes, we are all family. That as well as my sanit and life are the wonderful gifts that Al Anon has given me
Appreciate your being here and part of my family
Desirae said
May 22, 2012
My dear friends,
I have learned, in a very unfortunate way, that the 12 traditions are so important in my recovery... especially as a newcomer. I decided to join Al-anon on my 30th birthday. A gift to myself I call it :)
Al-anon is supposed to be anonymous for the common welfare of all. Here is the unfortunate part.
I went to my first face to face meeting that day. By that evening I received a phone call from a certain relative, an e-mail from another, and a very nasty facebook message, all telling me that I shouldn't be airing out my family's dirty laundry in front of the world. Keep in mind that I had not heard from either of these 3 relatives in almost 10 years. I had cut off contact. I have a huge family & I live in a small community.
I immediately lost trust in the anonymity of the program... but I didn't give up.
I went to a different place, and another, and another... I have now been to 8 different places with the same result.I haven't found an Al-anon face to face meeting place near my home, and I hate to say this, that has kept what I had to say withing the walls of the given room and in the confines of the minds of those I have shared with in my town.
I almost gave up while searching for some free Al-anon literature on-line (I was as broke as a joke & had no way to order on-line.), when all the sudden I came across this site called MIP or Miracles In Progress. I didn't know there were message boards and on-line meetings! I didn't even know what the heck a chat room or a message board was!
I missed the first meeting not realizing the time difference, but made it early to the next one. I have been faithful to these on-line meetings. After all, it was the very first truly anonymous meeting I had ever found.
Reading the scripts roll down the page at the opening and closing of the meeting gave me a clear understanding of what a "real" meeting and Al-a-family was supposed to be. I was incredibly warmly welcomed. I didn't know a group of people that are strangers to each other could grow so close in spirit. I also found a plane of acceptance for those I did not necessarily agree with, and welcomed their experience, strength, and hope. This has also come in handy in my personal life outside of the program.
I do not intend to stop trying to find a truly "anonymous" face to face meeting. I do have however, a great sponsor, and a few close friends that are in the program.
With that said, and never receiving a threat for anything I have ever participated in on this site, I would like to put out a special thanks to everyone here for giving me a place where I feel safe, accepted for who I am, inspired, loved, respected, and a place where my anonymity is respected. It is a pleasure to return the favor by treating you the same way.
I definitely feel the unity here, and that is what has kept me coming back.
With love in our own special way, Desirae
flopadopilus said
May 24, 2012
I too love the support found here, I have been fortunate and found it in my face to face meetings as well. I found at first I distracted myself with judging what people were saying at first, but as I grew to love each member and worked the steps I say I was fixating on them at times how I did with my A. I have seen people distract themselves at meetings by others beliefs, meanings, etc, etc and I figure in their time they will get back to their side of the street and let others have their own program the way it works for them. I love the traditons and how if applied can keep a group from getting too distracted and Iluckily have gotten to see it work well.
-- Edited by flopadopilus on Thursday 24th of May 2012 03:45:43 AM
hotrod said
Jun 4, 2012
Hi Deserie and Floppy
I appreciate your participation. I agree the Traditions are so very important to the unity and sanity of the groups and members as a whole.
There is a page in the ODAT that speaks to an old time member who ran the meetings. She Never permited rotation of leadership and refused to allow anyone to pick a meeting topic. The members simply called a business meeting, called on the traditions and voted the lady out and reformed the meeting. They developed a new format that permitted the meeting to function within the tradition guidelines.The old time member was forced to resign
Tradition One (1)
Our Common Welfare Should Come First; Personal Progress for the Greatest Number Depends on Unity
One Day at a Time in Alanon Page 322
If I have made myself part of an Al Anon Group to get help, wouldnt I be defeating MYSELF if I allowed what we call personality clashes to interfere with my getting the full benefit of the program.
TODAYS REMINDER
I WILL MAKE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN EVERY PERSON IN THE GROUP. I WILL NOT CRITIZE ANYONE ON A PERSONAL BASIS. If there are disagreements on principles, they can always be resolved by consulting the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
WE PENALIZE OURSELVES WHEN WE ALLOW DISAPPROVAL OF ANOTHER PERSON TO ENDANGER THE UNITY OF THE GROUP
ANYTHING THAT DAMAGES THE GROUP INTERFERES WITH ITS ABILITY TO FUNCTION FOR THE GOOD OF EACH PERSON IN IT
MY SHARE
Hi everyone when I first heard this Tradition read at a meeting I felt my defenses go way up. It sounded just like the rules in my dysfunctional Family. In that Family there was a Party Line Everyone HAD to believe in the same thing we had to like the same people, believe the same political party, the same religious beliefs and dislike the same people.
Any disagreement and you were out of favor. Everyone ganged up on you, talked about you and gave you the cold shoulder. When you finally agreed that they were right then you were welcomed back to the unity of the group. Where we thought as one and walked as one. That was the only experience I had with the word Unity that I experienced.
I hesitated at first but did not closedown. I kept coming back and watching this Tradition and all the Traditions in action I found that the powerful words contained in this Tradition had different meanings than they had in my family
For Example Unity: was very simple I was asked to merely, treat everyone with courtesy and respect, to not judge others, take their inventory, gossip about them. By doing this we could all express our ideas, our beliefs, our pain, sadness and joy and still be united in our common bond of trying to recover from the effects of living with the disease of alcoholism. I found I could easily perform this part of the tradition
Common Welfare, Wow another big one for someone who has lived with this disease. I know I tried hard to find a common ground in my alcoholic family and by so doing, I surrendered my principles, my soul, my likes my very being. I became invisible. Al Anon stated that the common welfare of each member was their recovery from living with the disease of alcoholism. In order to recover we needed to keep our meetings focused on recovery and treat each other with courtesy and respect and not be diverted from our goal by any other issue. Another part of the tradition that was manageable.
Personal Progress Another difference from Family of Origin. We did not want to change or progress we feared any new suggestion and innovations. In alanon we are encouraged to progress. Take little steps to change and progress out of the despair into the light. What a great goal to work toward
I love this Tradition it assures me of a safe place to explore my vulnerable inner being and learn how to express my true self in a constructive manner.
I would love to hear your ESH on this topic. Thanks for letting me share.
Questions of Tradition One:
Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon unity.
1. Am I in my group a healing, mending, integrating person, or am I divisive? What about gossip and taking other members inventories?
2. Am I a peacemaker? Or do I, with pious preludes such as "just for the sake of discussion," plunge into argument?
3. Am I gentle with those who rub me the wrong way, or am I abrasive?
4. Do I spout platitudes about love while indulging in and secretly justifying behavior that bristles with hostility?
Dear David
I agree completely. I too found the sense family and unity in the rooms of alanon.
Thanks for your honest and insigtful share.
Glad that you are part of my family
I love the traditions because they always remind me that I can sometimes be not nearly as well as I think I am. And thank you Betty for taking the time to do this, and also to include a few questions from the checklist. Oh, perhaps I should introduce myself in case anyone doesn't know me yet. My name is Bernie and I am a grateful member of Al-Anon for going on 17 years. I'm also....wait a minute.....just flipping through the service manual....ah, there it is. pg. 39 in my service manual but I have an old one.
Sometimes in an Al-Anon Group's suggested welcome the chairperson may say that "we wish members of other anonymous fellowships to remain anonymous and to focus on the Al-Anon Program". So, whenever I hear that said in the suggested welcome I don't mention that I'm also a recovered alcoholic with 14 years plus change. If an Al-Anon group uses that statement in their format and I do draw attention to my involvement in AA, then I inadvertently violate the first tradition by not maintaining group unity. I'm very conscious of these types of things because I do not ever wish to be the reason someone doesn't come here or the reason someone doesn't share because they're afraid it might get back to their A.
In my primary fellowship, the fellowship from which Al-Anon sprang and flowered, we have a statement of responsibility (Al-Anon has a similar phrase called the Declaration) and we also a declaration of unity that says: "this we owe to AA's future. to place our common welfare first. to keep our fellowship united. For on AA unity depend our lives and the lives of those to come." I feel quite dedicated to doing that and I feel just as dedicated to protecting Al-Anon's future. For on its unity also depends our lives and the lives of those to come. All of the traditions teach us humility and sacrifice of the clamor of personal desires within us for what greater calamity could there be than a suffering spouse or family member or friend of an alcoholic showing up at an Al-Anon meeting only to find that Al-Anon had closed its doors, that it had withered away and died because of bickering among group members, judgements, hostility, or gossip of other members.
I attended and was an active participant in a MCYPAA conference this weekend. That's a conference for young people in AA. Al-Anon and Alateen were also there. We went to meetings of all the fellowships, the workshops, we played recovery jeopardy - our team won by the way - we had a pizza party instead of a banquet, and we nearly danced ourselves into a coma last night. Not once did I feel that I didn't belong no matter which meeting we were at. Not once was I made to feel that I wasn't welcome. So for all intents and purposes, Al-Anon and Alateen are alive and well in Nova Scotia. And,God willing, it will remain alive for many years to come.
-- Edited by Wolfie55 on Monday 14th of May 2012 03:39:18 AM
Hi Bernie
Thanks for your informative response. Yes, we are all family. That as well as my sanit and life are the wonderful gifts that Al Anon has given me
Appreciate your being here and part of my family
I have learned, in a very unfortunate way, that the 12 traditions are so important in my recovery... especially as a newcomer. I decided to join Al-anon on my 30th birthday. A gift to myself I call it :)
Al-anon is supposed to be anonymous for the common welfare of all. Here is the unfortunate part.
I went to my first face to face meeting that day. By that evening I received a phone call from a certain relative, an e-mail from another, and a very nasty facebook message, all telling me that I shouldn't be airing out my family's dirty laundry in front of the world. Keep in mind that I had not heard from either of these 3 relatives in almost 10 years. I had cut off contact. I have a huge family & I live in a small community.
I immediately lost trust in the anonymity of the program... but I didn't give up.
I went to a different place, and another, and another... I have now been to 8 different places with the same result.I haven't found an Al-anon face to face meeting place near my home, and I hate to say this, that has kept what I had to say withing the walls of the given room and in the confines of the minds of those I have shared with in my town.
I almost gave up while searching for some free Al-anon literature on-line (I was as broke as a joke & had no way to order on-line.), when all the sudden I came across this site called MIP or Miracles In Progress. I didn't know there were message boards and on-line meetings! I didn't even know what the heck a chat room or a message board was!
I missed the first meeting not realizing the time difference, but made it early to the next one. I have been faithful to these on-line meetings. After all, it was the very first truly anonymous meeting I had ever found.
Reading the scripts roll down the page at the opening and closing of the meeting gave me a clear understanding of what a "real" meeting and Al-a-family was supposed to be. I was incredibly warmly welcomed. I didn't know a group of people that are strangers to each other could grow so close in spirit. I also found a plane of acceptance for those I did not necessarily agree with, and welcomed their experience, strength, and hope. This has also come in handy in my personal life outside of the program.
I do not intend to stop trying to find a truly "anonymous" face to face meeting. I do have however, a great sponsor, and a few close friends that are in the program.
With that said, and never receiving a threat for anything I have ever participated in on this site, I would like to put out a special thanks to everyone here for giving me a place where I feel safe, accepted for who I am, inspired, loved, respected, and a place where my anonymity is respected. It is a pleasure to return the favor by treating you the same way.
I definitely feel the unity here, and that is what has kept me coming back.
With love in our own special way,
Desirae
I too love the support found here, I have been fortunate and found it in my face to face meetings as well. I found at first I distracted myself with judging what people were saying at first, but as I grew to love each member and worked the steps I say I was fixating on them at times how I did with my A. I have seen people distract themselves at meetings by others beliefs, meanings, etc, etc and I figure in their time they will get back to their side of the street and let others have their own program the way it works for them. I love the traditons and how if applied can keep a group from getting too distracted and Iluckily have gotten to see it work well.
-- Edited by flopadopilus on Thursday 24th of May 2012 03:45:43 AM
Hi Deserie and Floppy
I appreciate your participation. I agree the Traditions are so very important to the unity and sanity of the groups and members as a whole.
There is a page in the ODAT that speaks to an old time member who ran the meetings. She Never permited rotation of leadership and refused to allow anyone to pick a meeting topic. The members simply called a business meeting, called on the traditions and voted the lady out and reformed the meeting. They developed a new format that permitted the meeting to function within the tradition guidelines.The old time member was forced to resign
The Traditions work