from "The 12 Steps for Adult Children" revised

p.21 "We live in a culture that places a high value on individual accomplishment. Most of us, from the time we were small children, were bombarded by the ideal of high achievement. Being competetive in school, sports, and business is viewed as important in our society. We are taught that if we compete hard enough we will be 'winners' and, therefore, good people. If, however, we don't measure up to what is expected of us and are 'losers', we believe we are failures...

"Although our behavior has caused us nothing but stress and pain, it is difficult to let go and trust that things will work out well. We may experience confusion, drowsiness, sadness, sleeplessness, or turmoil. These are normal responses to the severe inner struggles we are experiencing. It is important to remember that surrender requires great mental and emotional energy as well as determination...

"As we begin to accept the reality of our condition, we naturally reach out to others for answers... No matter how many outside sources we seek, there will be no relief for us until we, by ourselves, in our own minds and hearts, acknowledge our powerlessness. Then, and only then, will we begin to see that Step One is the beginning of a way out...

"Step One is an ongoing committment. We must remember that our damaging traits, habits, and behaviors are a part of us. They are unconscious reactions to the stresses of life. As we notice self-defeating behaviours and reactions surface, we can admit our powerlessness and seek help from a Higher Power. This simple act opens the door to the healing change we seek...

"We need to be totally honest, drop the disguises, and see things as they really are. When we stop finding excuses for our behaviour, we will have taken the first step toward achieving the humility we need to accept spiritual guidance. It is through this spiritual guidance that we can begin to rebuild ourselves and our lives...

"As we progress through the Steps, we will discover that true and lasting change does not happen by trying to alter our life conditions. Although it is tempting to think so, outside adjustments cannot correct inside problems. Extraordinary healing requires surrendering the belief that we can heal our lives by manipulating our environment. Our willingness to work the Steps will enable us to begin our true healing, which starts on the inside."

 

Most of my life I could never allow myself to see that my parents had problems with alcohol. Even when I would wake at four in the morning, thinking I heard the phone ringing - that it would be the police telling me that my dad had been run over while staggering home from the pub. The fear , the anxiety, the efforts to caretake my parents and siblings took their toll. I was an empty shell, worn out from trying to stop bad things from happening. Then I allowed myself to think the unthinkable. I couldn't fix it. All my efforts had been in vain. I needed to come home to myself and let go of my family. That was my first step. I found since then that from all the years of being obsessed with others, I was mostly a stranger to myself, and totally neglectful of my own most basic needs. I still have a long way to go, but it's getting better.

Sheila.

Sheila, to put my response to your share in a nutshell.......     me too.  I had to be very oriented to avoiding bad things,,,  checking out my parents' moods, meeting their needs, putting myself on hold. This program has been so key to learning how to begin to be in healthy relationships where everybody's needs count and they are all basically positive and constructive and balanced people, as well as how to more effectively deal with difficult people.

recovery is possible!  The program works if you work it, so work it cuz you're worth it!

amanda

I just found this board and I am so grateful. There is only one ACA meeting in my town and it is very small. I thought I would have to wait until I found a sponsor before I started working the steps, but now I see I can start. I really like the quotes that Amanda posted. For a long time I have accepted I was essentially powerless over my parents' alcoholism, but what I've had a harder time recognizing and fully accepting is how affected I still am by growing up with that alcoholism-how affected I am on an unconscious level. A level on which I am really powerless over. I don't like to admit that, because I am so used to blaming myself. If I am blaming myself for my ways of thinking and being in the world, I'm still believing that I am in control. The quotes gave me a little glimpse of what it would be like to actually feel and know that I am powerless over the self and self talk that I developed in response to being in an alcoholic family.

I am so ready to start the 12 steps.  I am sick and tired of my temper, my rage attacks, my anger, my abandonment issues, my controlling nature.  I have a loving husband and I can just take a tiny thing like he didn't tell me the house looks clean and turn it into "any night at the fights". 

I have just completed writing the story of my first ten years.  I now plan to match that up with The Laundry List and work the 1st step in the 12 steps for Adult Children and the workbook that goes with it.  Just in writing my first 10 year story, I can see that with all the problems I went through then, conditioned me to be the dysfunctional adult I now am.  So it is painfully obvious that I need to work on me and work on getting to the solution.

I don't have any meetings within about 4 1/2 hours from me that I can attend.  So, I am really hoping I can get into the Thursday (today meeting). 

I really appreciate the fact that this site is offering the assistance to go through the steps over and over.  Can hardly wait until I am up to speed.