Step One - Admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. 1. Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking? Another person's behavior? 2. Do I accept that alcoholism is a dsease? How does that change how I deal with the drinker? 3. Have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? 4. How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond? Love - Dot

Met my g/f for dancing on Friday night.  In the 3 months that we've been dating; in fact, in the year that we've known each other; I have never seen her drink.  On Friday night she had two beers.  She is not an A and is a very responsible person.  However, I noticed myself watching how much she drank and wondering why she was drinking and what the consequences were.  I wanted to take the beer away from the table - leave her with just the bottles of wather that she was also drinking.  Then, I realized that I cannot control others.  It is not my place to worry about her drinking and to try to control it.  I was surprised that I felt the need to control her. 

I am new to Alanon and have been trying to work on Step One.  Family members and some friends are As in my life but my concern has not been so much on controlling them.  I have been affected though and I want to control those who are actively in my life right now.  It has been hard to admit that my life has become unmanageable.

Many have reminded me that I need to focus on taking care of myself.  My g/f and I are even taking a step back in order to focus on our individual needs.  But how to do that when it has been so easy to always take care of someone else instead?

My life is unmanageable and I have no control over the effects alcohol has had in my life.

Angelina

hi, angelina,

thank you for sharing, and welcome to the board.

I'm glad you're working on Step 1.

Some things I try to remember about Step 1 are, that there are 2 parts of the Serenity Prayer - the first is the "God, grant me to accept the things I cannot change", and then there is the "the courage to change the things I can",, and then 'the wisdom to know the difference".  The 1st Step is not meant to turn us into totally passive and fatalist people who think that nothing that they can do will make any good difference. It is more meant for us to learn the difference, and have some sense of boundaries and limits, I think. I was always trying to control my environment to feel more secure, to fill needs and restrain out of control people. I thought my own needs didn't count and that I was constantly threatened. I am learning now to let God control all those things that are beyond me,, and to trust some other people that they can be inspired and do good without me manipulating them,,  and I can focus on my self-improvement too. I found out that sometimes, not all the time but sometimes,,  if my behavior is more constructive, positive and effective the way my environment responds is actually better. I don't get into so many fights any more as I don't panic so much anymore.

amanda

Thank you Amanda.  It is hard for me to let go of controlling the situation around me.  I understand this about myself and know that I need to do so.  It is my hope that as I am working through these steps I will begin a recovery that will lead me to who I am really supposed to be.  Not someone who uses control to deal with fears and insecurities.

Angelina

Wow I came back at a really good time. You guys are  at the beginning of the steps.

I am thankful for that.

Anyway. My life is insane right now. Husband is not drinking but is dry with out AA.  This is really crazy , because he is a good guy, great dad, just can' t totally pinpoint it .......that is what freaks me out. I question my sanity, because on the outside he looks good, talks good, remains calm and here i  am a freak about our situation. He demands respect from me. In turn I feel like I am giving my all but in the long run, he dosen't feel it. He does not feel my love........ Maybe I don't know how to love!!!!!!!!

I don't want to give up my control........   I have been in recovery and have gone to codependency treatment center and got my control back  with the hard work I had done there.

Also afraid to loose him and give up all we have. Can we make it through this Hell.......

I am willing to keep trying or is this all a pipe dream......

Can we ever achieve real intimacy..........

I am reading a book on saving your marriage and it says that chatic or codependent marriages are usually given an anulment without  questions because they realize it almost never will work.

When it is good its really good when it is bad it is soooooooooo bad. Whe I talk to others like my family they say I am not insane........... But I don't really even know if they are right cause they grew up in the same stuff I grew up in.

The fact is my husband grew up in a alcoholic home and most of my our married I have lived with his drinking till he would pass out and even our earlier years he had done some drugs.... The kids were born he  stopped that.. and would only drink at home.Now he says he is done with all that..... he is sober,but thing seem worse. He says he does not need anyones help except for God.

I know this is partly true. But.......................

I knkow I have rambles because that is how ny mind is right now. I am sorry.

Theresa

I admit I have no control over him not drinking or geting help.

 

I have four beautiful children that are in the teens years and youngest one 10 years of age. God Help them.

Well I don't have a sponser yet, but I do have a contact number of someone to call.  I have found a potential sponser.  I really relate to his shares I just have to approach him and ask and see if he is available. 

I've been really looking foward to working the steps.  I tried, then thought I should wait until I found a sponser, but I think my HP was trying to tell me something.  I just saw this board returned to Step1.  Today at my f2f Step Meeting they revited Step 1 because there were new comers.  It must be time for me.  I can revisit step 1 with my sponser.

When I first looked at Step 1, I though...heck yeah, I'm powerless, isn't that why I'm here?  My life was obviously unmanagable, so unmanagable that I was in despair.  Again, isn't that why I'm here?

The questions really made me think.  I guess that's why they put them there.    If I may I'll utilize some of those questions.

We read from Paths to Recovery. 

Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking?  Another person's behavior?

I thought I had but I had a revelation this weekend.  We had a 'intervention' with my wife's psychiatrist 2 weeks ago.   (not a real addiction intervention)  There I was asked to remove alcohol from the house, watch for withdrawals and to monitory her progress and report back.  My wife hated me for it and threatened me with divorce should I call the doctor. 

I refused to remove the alcohol.  I went against everything I was learning in Al-anon.  Plus it would magically reappear anyway.  I was powerless over keeping it out of the house.  I struggled with whether to track the usage and report to him.  Was this attempting to control?  Was this just concern for her well being since she should not be drinking on her medications?  Well I told my wife I wouldn't call.  So I faxed.  LOL   Put I did include a note that I didn't know if I would continue to do this.

She went for her appt.  I was fearful of the repurcussions when she got home.  I questioned if I was doing the right thing.  I found about 10 min. of quiet time.  I prayed and meditated w/ my HP.  I asked him to show me the correct way, to show me his will.  I told him.....her drinking is yours....if you want it take it.  HP, take what you like and leave the rest. 

She came home.  No repurcussions.  She mentions that me or someone called.  I admitted I faxed.  I told her that I told him I might not do it anymore.  That I told the Dr. that.  I told her that I would only tell the truth at her next addiction therapy session of asked, because I was asked to attend.   She said that she didn't want me to attend, and I replied, it's your dr. it's your business.

Here is where the HP kicked in.  My wife changed dr's.  She picked my children's psychiatrist.  Without knowing that I had spoke to him so that he know the environment the kids were in.  Both the alcoholism, and my previous poor dealing with it.  I thought that it was rather ironice that once I religuised control to my HP, he brings my wife to a doctor that already knows the deal.

The second affirmation that my HP was telling me he took this from me was her telling me about her appointment.  She did say that he would not give her sleeping pills because she was drinking and that they would not work properly.  She said, "I guess I'm screwing myself again."  Once again, I step away and there is a small admission to herself of her problem.  I know this has elements of Step 3 in it.  But for me, it was true affirmation that I was powerless.  I had to finally give it up to see the truth.

Wow this was long.  I'll do some other questions that struck me in a seperate post. 

Bobump

"This has elements of Step 3 in it."    Yes,, well,,  the Steps are separate, but together really.  I cannot do Step 1 without Step 3. Step 1 means I don't have control,,,  but without Step 2 it becomes just out of control chaos,,,  it is Step 3 that brings the recovery. And some of these things are not totally 'all or nothing' but matters of balance. It is good for us to do what we can,,  that is the second part of the Serenity Prayer,,,  it is difficult to know so we ask for that Wisdom through Step 11, and I see you did mention doing Step 11. I am very moved by your share and  I hope you continue sharing your recovery journey with us.

amanda

Another question that struck me. 

Do I say "yes" when I want to say "no".  What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this.

Ohmy.....I HATE saying no, I LOATH it.  I've gotten upset when my children ask for things that I can't provide, because I hate to say no.   Even the stupidest stuff.  My A had a habit of not getting up to for herself.  I hated it.  I'd wait until they go to sleep to get things done I wanted to.  She'd wake up and ask me to turn up the TV...get her a drink.  Would I say no?   No (hey I just said it).  I'd had a few ways of dealing with this.  None of them healthy.  I'd play martyr.  "I wait until 12 am to get work done and then you bother me", or I'd say nothing, do it and stew and harbor resentment after resentment.  I did things for the A that they could do themselves.   All of this because I just couldn't say no.  I had this people pleasing nature but in the same breath, I hated doing it.  Quite possibly I lashed out so much because I was upset at myself for not saying no. 

Have I sought approval or affirmation from others?

Well, I sure hope you like my post.     I've found that I do do this.  I'm not sure if it comes from a childhood where I got none from one of my parents or what.  I know I've found myself telling people things I did because they'd think better of me.  I've held things back because they might think less of me.  If I really do a good deed it should be between me and my HP.  I should not need a press release to that I can receive accolades.  Since working the program a bit, I'm doing better at this.  The best part is I have no power over how people will react.  They may affirm me, they may not.  I need to get affirmation and accolades form myself.  Why give others that power?

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them?  How have I tried to fix them?

Ouch, this one hurt.  After a few months in program, I'm seeing this pattern in my life.  How do I fix them?   In my A's case, I thought that if I loved her enough, she'd see what I saw when I first met her and change.  I thought that I could fix her self esteem issue.  She, like my mom was sexually abused.  I thought that because I grew up w/ that in my family tree, that I could understand her better and be better to help her than anyone else she had met.  I've been wondering lately that if those expectation were a root cause to some of our problems.   When I had all the answers (so I thought) and 'my' way wasn't followed, and things didn't improve, I think this was a source of frustration for me and an inroad for resentments to begin to build. 

There are more questions that made me think.  Maybe I'll work on those another time.  I'm grateful that this publication had these questions to make me really think about my powerlessness.  Something that seemed so simple, now has me thinking about so much to look at.

Bobump

 

Wow. I do understand what you just wrote.. I most of the time say yes too. Even if I want to say NO.. Then I sometimes get mad about not having said no..  I have always been a people pleaser I think.. I hate that too..

I don't do what I want to do. Or be who I want to be.. Whoever that is.. But I want to start learning now who I really am.. Who the real me really is..

My husband is the A.. It is so hard to admit that I am powerless over his drinking. No matter what I do or say.. But powerless over it I am.. I need to stop trying to control his behavior/drinking, and take care of myself for a while.. Love myself...

I need to give that worry up to God.. Say here Lord, It's yours to worry about... I need to take care of myself and my teenage daughter... Let the A. take care of himself..

Thanks, Lanee...

2. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?  Yes and no.. Yes, I understand it is.. And no, part of me wants to think that if they really want to, they could stop drinking. Or at the very least go get some help somewhere..

Thanks, Lanee..

3. Have I tryed to change others in my life? You bet..  4. Did it work? NO.. It never works. Or at least almost never works.. And how do I feel about it when it doesn't work? Angry!! I can't stand for things to not go right. Well, I admitted it. But what do I do about it? It is hard to give up control?, or so I thought I had over it..

I just want things to go right. For us 3 to be happy. It just doesn't seem like that is gonna happen.. My dd can't stand him. The A.. I can't leave them alone and go to work. And not worry that one of them is gonna start a fight with each other. Or that my dd is gonna hit him.. I can't work like that. The worry!! Right now she is in a Girls Home for 6 months. But.. She is not bad like the other girls there..

And my A. does do alot of nagging towards her. And she doesn't know how to leave it alone. And doesn't want to leave it alone.. She tries to put him in his place. Which is not her place to do.. Lord help us..

Well, thanks.. Lanee...

From Paths to Recovery, questions Step 1 Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I had something happen the other day. I was doing some grocery shopping. And right before I entered the store and while I was walking around, I felt what I thought was serene. More at peace than I had felt the last time I thought I felt serenity. This was shortly after having what I felt was the affirmation of my powerlessness from my HP. Then as I walked around, I started to get a pit in my stomach. Was it fear, anxiety? It felt a little like them but not quite. Now I had absolutely NO IDEA what I was feeling. I spoke about my theory to someone who shares at one my meetings that I really admire for their program work. She commented on my growth and progress after I shared about the affirmation I had. I spoke about this day and feeling when she asked how it felt. I said, I thought that it was possible that I did feel as serene has I had ever remembered feeling, but I may have actually gotten scared because it was so new to me. She thought that might very well be the case too. Ahh the awareness that comes w/ the program. Always something new to become aware of, always something to learn. I do know that before alanon, I was only slightly aware of the resentments I harbored. I never thought of my feelings of being right and doing everything were elements of my control and martydom. I was only superficially dealing with things and my feelings. Much like many A's. This gave everything else power over me but myself. It's amazing though the amount of control that one gets from powerlessness. You can than being to control yourself. Thanks, Bob

angelinme908 wrote:

---

Thank you Amanda.  It is hard for me to let go of controlling the situation around me.  I understand this about myself and know that I need to do so.  It is my hope that as I am working through these steps I will begin a recovery that will lead me to who I am really supposed to be.  Not someone who uses control to deal with fears and insecurities. Angelina

---

Angelinme, Such great awareness for so early on in the program ! Rock on and keep working it ! Bob

This is my first time on this message board.  I have tried working through step 1.  When I started coming to this webpage and then the al-anon meetings I had already accepted that I was powerless over my a's (husband's) drinking/drugging/behavior.  I do get that!  I get that it is a disease.  I deal with him by not expecting it to be an easy road, I know that when he does "fall" it does not mean that he does not love me, or that all is doomed!  I do get that in my head-- but sometimes my heart/emotions take over.  I love him even when he uses that will never change!

I have tried to change others in my life--my first husband to be specific.  Since we are divorced you can see that that didn't turn out too well! I never thought of it like I was trying to change him (my first husband or current husband for that matter)--I was just trying "to make life better."  I always say (said)  I love you, I fell in love with you, but that doesn't mean we are to stay in the same place and not grow.  My favorite live is from the movie AS Good as it gets--it says "You make me want to be a better man."  I guess that's how I always saw things--it's not that I don't like who I am, but if I found someone I would want to be a better person for that someone and vice versa.  Does that make sense at all?  I just thought of it as growing and maturing, but I guess it really is trying to change them.

When my husband refuses to be/do what I want I get depressed, hurt, frustrated, and yes probably angry too!  I don't understand why he doesn't want better for himself--but then I have to remember it's a disease and it's not that he doesn't want better something just gets in his way!  That is the hardest thing for me!!! 

I know I have absolutely no control over anyone or anything except me!! I do get that, but I still try to have control and I lose the battle every time.

Dawn

Dawn, I loved that line in the movie better. In either an online meeting or a f2f, I had a moment where my mind was transported vividly to a moment in my childhood, I remember being in our kitchen saying to my parents, I don't understand the world. If everyone just took care of each other, everyone would be taken care of. I think logically I grew out of that, but I think emotionally I never did. Your post made me think, maybe that is what is meant by growing apart. One grows and the other doesn't. That could happen w/ or w/o A. I think it's more likely w/ addiction involved though. But there are pleny in alanon that find ways to be happy with their active A's. Maybe some of those people can focus on self and detach so well, that that lack of growth is OK with them and they are able to enjoy themselves without that aspect of the relationship. Bob

Lanee wrote:

---

2. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?  Yes and no.. Yes, I understand it is.. And no, part of me wants to think that if they really want to, they could stop drinking. Or at the very least go get some help somewhere.. Thanks, Lanee..

---

Lanee, I hear ya. Sometimes when I look at it as a disease it doesn't help either. I mean, my A is also diabetic. She still chooses to eat chocolate and sugar foods. Is she powerless over those as well? I guess in a way yeah. Sometimes I look at alcholism as a secondary disease. It's indicative in my A at least of other mental illnesses. Those illnesses do make her very compulsive. In all areas of her life, not just alcohol and sugar. Money, food, lots. I think the bottom line is in some respects, my A is powerless. Except for the power I gave her by allowing her to yank my chain. ;) Thinking of the disease(s), does allow for better detachment I think though. The other trick I think is finding balance. There is a line between understanding the disease and obsessing over it. Understanding will allow us to have compassion, obsessing over it takes away from the focus on us. IMHO. Bob

My g/f(ex-g/f?) suggested that we would see each other out dancing last night.  Yesterday, however, she cancelled going herself because she was dealing with something and was feeling anti-social.  I feel good about not hounding her to open up and talk to me so I could try to make everything better.  I asked her if she wanted to talk about it since she started the topic with me.  When she said no, that she was thankful just to know she can talk to me if she wants, then I just said ok and to take care.

Now it is a new day and I am trying to keep myself busy cleaning around the house.  However, I am in a sense waiting to see if she will call me.  I want to talk to her and I am not sure it is because I want to talk to her or because I want the opportunity to take care of her.  I know that unless plans change I will not be seeing her until next weekend.  I haven't seen her since last weekend and do miss being around her.

During the week, it is not hard to go without seeing her because I am busy with work.  But I gave up my weekends for her for almost 3 months.  Now it is hard to just use my weekends for myself.  I know that if I am actually lonely I have the option of calling other friends but find that I am reluctant to call anyone else.  Am I deliberately separating myself from others?  Am I setting it up as though if I can't be around her, I don't want to be around anyone else?

This is very confusing to me.  I need to focus on myself and I am struggling to do that.  It is so much easier to focus on her.  I am afraid to deal with the emotional issues that are inside me.  I am afraid of what I am going to feel.  I am afraid that if I focus on myself, I am opening a Pandora's box.  I am afraid I am going to just get lost in a fog of depression and never get better - only worse.

I know that recovery has some hard things associated with it.  I am so afraid that I will fail.

Angelina

Angelina,

One of the things I believe that causes so many of our ills and A's ills as not feeling, not dealing with feelings.  That is the joy of recovery.  There is pain associated with it, but that is because we stuffed those feeling away before and didn't deal with the pain then.  So much in therapy and recovery that I find that is positive in dhte end comes from dealing with those things we find. 

One of the reason's my A turned to alcohol was so that she didn't have to feel.  Some of us are just as ill.  We turn all of our attentions to our A's, so that we don't feel so many pains from our own feelings. 

Beginning to feel can be liberating.  Powerlessness is control.  When we give up those things we have no power over, it gives us more time to focus on those things we can control.  Real power.

As for fearing to fail.  {{{Angelina}}}  You can't fail at something that is a lifelong process.  Progress not perfection.  There will be slips.  With awareness of them, you be able to correct them and deal much sooner, taking positive action much sooner.  Baby steps.  Every every baby that fell on their butt worried about failure, we wouldn't no longer be a two legged race.

Bob

Thank you Bob...

I appreciate your kind and wise words.  I sit here trying to decide if I will allow myself cry.  It is good to know that others understand and have perhaps even been where I am now.

I am realizing too that when I feel powerless as I admit I am now, I want to avoid that powerlessness.  I withdraw into myself or focus on the mundane in my life.  Admitting I am powerless seemed so easy at first but now I am seeing how it is scaring me.

I am even afraid to move into step 2.  My concept of God has him rejecting me for who I am.  How to believe that he will restore me to sanity?  Guess I will begin to find out this next week.

Angelina

Need to take a step back today and review step one.  Do I admit to being powerless over another person's behavior?

I am powerless over others' behaviors.  I am powerless.  I cannot control other people.  I am powerless over them.  I need to remember this whenever I start to become angry, frustrated, or hurt because people are not doing what I think should be done.  However, I also need to remember that other people are powerless over me.  I have spent so many years with other people controlling how I am affected by their actions.  So much time with my emotions, my mental state, tied to others' actions.

So - not only am I powerless to control other people but they are also powerless to control me.

I can write this but at the moment I am not feeling the "Aha" I think I should feel.  The words are right but I don't feel liberated right now.  I feel tired.  So tired it is easy to be powerless.  Still I feel angry too - losing people in my life because their actions are sending them in different directions.  Either they feel they need to be away from me (exg/f) or I need to be separate from them (friends that decided to get involved with drugs.)

I am powerless over these people.  I cannot control their actions no matter what I wish they would do.

I have power over my own actions and I hope to have a growing power to control my thoughts too.

Angelina

Step One - Admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

1. Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking? Another person's behavior?
yes I do accept that i cannot control my husbands, or any ones drinking.
yeah i accept the fact that i cannot control my husbands or anyone elses behavior. admitting and really accepting these facts at the times of drink or behavior is kind of frustrating and makes me wanna walk away or argue.... but i accept that i cant control them.  

2. Do I accept that alcoholism is a dsease? How does that change how I deal with the drinker?
I do accept that alcoholism is a disease now that i have read up on it. i use to think that it was just an excuse for alcoholics to not have to stop drinking. and i guess a smart manipulative one might use it as an excuse. it changes how i deal with my husband in the way that i know it isnt his fault that he is an alcoholic, and it takes lots of meetings and talking to keep him sober. i look at things a little differently since i have learned about alanon, but i know that i have to keep working the program or i will lose the focus and be right back at where i started. i also do not want to talk to my ah (in recovery) about the fact that alcoholism is a disease because i dont want him to think about it and use it as an excuse, is this a form of indirect control? see what i mean its so complicated. how about if the issue doesnt come up then i wont bring it up lol/ im LEARNING here.

3. Have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
oh yeah i have tried to change others. i have tried to lecture nag and threaten my husband into being the ideal husband and father for his own good lol. the consequence for that was it just made him drink more and i couldnt understand it, thinking how he just said all those things about how he was wrong and he was gonna be the right daddy and man he should be blah blah blah blah blah. NOw i know better.after reading the literature.
i have tried to change my daughter into seeing things my way and asking her to please come back into my life repeatedly and sporadically throughout these past few years. we had a good relationship for a while there but it was always on his terms so when he didnt want me around i couldnt come around. and who knows what they were telling her about why i didnt come. i didnt want anymore drama in front of her than she already had being an emotionally disturbed child. i could have handled things differently instead of going back and forth in court i had tried to work it with them outside of court but the consequence was always i lose either way. which makes me think it s not the right time 
i have tried more than ever to change my daughters father (my ex) who isnt an a just a manipulative son of an a and abuse all kinds. i tried to help him with his own family problems, had a child with him since he said he would NEVER do what his dad did to him..... (leave his mm and his sister and him for someone else, after emotionally and physically abusing them all for years). and guess what he did the same to me and my daughter,. guess who she lives with after all the years of me raising her with out his help? but i guess  what i have learned from all this fighting to get her back in my life after all the brainwashing and him keeping us apart is if it was meant to be it would be happening. everytime i get two steps forward i get pushed five steps back.  the judge knows how he got full custody underhandedly and everyone knows (probably everyone but my daughter) i feel that maybe when the time is right, she will be back in my life. i think it goes hand and hand with my ah. when things get better around here, God will send her back into my life. its taken a long time for me to accept this, i have done all i can do, and it always seems to bck fire which to me means its not meant to be yet. my hp has a plan and i trust in him thats it better for us right now.the consequence for trying to convince control plead threaten beg nag make him see things my way blah blah blah was he would just screw me in the end and never change his answer. the consequence was i was always emotionally exhausted frazzled pissed off vendictive and most of all HURT . karma is real thats all i have to say.
 How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond? i feel like walking out of here and not coming back when he is in a bad ass mood and it comes out of the blue. the drinking has ceased (for a while now) but i know it can always come back and im glad to have alanon for support. i know that i will be angry and dissapointed and probably want to leaveif he does start to drink  but with the support of alanon we will see what happens. i respond  lately to his extreme moodswings only to his bad ones . i cant keep my mouth shut especially when its something i believe in (like taking something out on the dog or kids) picking on the kids or being rude to the dog is NOT somethings i take lightly. so the last outburst which was last night, we just (me and the kids) went to bed (it was our routine anyway) and i stayed away doing my own thing till he came up at the end of the night and asked if i had five minutes to talk. the old me would have gotten into a shouting match with him and it would have escalated into a HUGE argument so im glad we just 
"detached" and went about our ways with what we had to do anyway. HEY look at that I am getting a liiiittle better at this. for the moment. and that was yesterday. this is today and we are off to a new start.

-- Edited by frazzled75 at 18:37, 2007-09-04