Step One - Admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

1. Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking? Another person's behavior?

It’s been several years and I still need to work this step on a daily basis. I accept that I cannot change another person. I keep trying because I keep hoping that something I say or do will just cause something to click in their head one day. I have learned that not only is this unhealthy for me, but it’s a waste of my time. Addiction is not reasonable and not something to reason with. People who are not addicts that I try to control have their opinions and beliefs and nothing I say is likely to change that. In the end, it boils down to respect. Do I respect another person enough to allow them to be themselves and live their lives without my interference?

2. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with the drinker?

I completely accept that addiction is a disease and that addicts did not ask for this horrible disease. They did not choose to be addicts, but I choose to stay with one. I have to deal with the consequences. Knowing that it is a disease allows me to be more compassionate and proactive in trying to learn about the disease. I get very angry that addicts often use it as an excuse to continue their use. They remain active in their addiction because they chose not to seek help and do everything in their power to obtain and follow up with treatment.

3. Have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

I have tried to change everyone else’s lives. I try to force my opinions and beliefs on others. I have tried to manipulate and control other’s thought and actions to suit me. I have tried to change my husband and the consequences were increasing amounts of resentment and anger. I have tried to monitor his friends, phone calls, mail, actions, jobs and money. All it did was cause him to become even sneakier and stop talking to me about his inner battle with the disease. Every time he tried to open up to me with honesty for support, I became more controlling. The more controlling I became, the more he was unable to open up and had to deal with things on his own. My actions basically took away his support system.

4. How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

I decided a while back that I fell in love with the potential I saw in my husband and not with his true self. When he refused to conform to my wants and needs I became resentful. I became very angry. When he didn’t live up to my expectations I became very angry and felt let down. The more he did not become the man I wanted to be married to, the more I tried to convince him to see things my way and change into the person I wanted him to be. I stopped respecting him as a man and a person. He became very resentful that I acted like his mother instead of his wife.

Thanks powerless.

I just shared below in the questions and you said it more concisely and eloquently than i could.

"I decided a while back that I fell in love with the potential I saw in my husband"  I so often see the potential in people.  Potential that they don't see.  It's a good attribute if it's within reason.  When we try to mold them and resent them for not comforming to the mold is when I think it becomes a character defect.

Bobump

wow , bob..  I'm going to print that out and put it on my fridge. ty ....     I've had a lot of difficulty here..  both in seeing potential and in getting angry about unmet expectations. I either am disparingly skeptical and cynical,, or unrealistically idealistic and perfectionistic.  your statement there helps to reconcile both the ideal and the lack of reaching it.

amanda