I now know that I need the help of the 12 Steps in coping with the alcoholic issues in my immediate family, more specifically, my father and mother. My father is an alcoholic and has had reocurring bouts of pancreatitis in the past several years, his most recent was a day ago and he's still in the hospital. I have accepted the fact that my father is an alcoholic and I am educated on the matter. I believe that my main concern is with my mother who has not grasped the fact that she is, also, an alcoholic, an abuser of her medication, specifically zanax, and has a lot of mental issues she needs to deal with. I am 28 years old and recently got married and had a beautiful, precious little girl....their first grandchild. We also just bought a house and are not getting ready for our first Christmas as a family, both families included in the celebration.
I am having a HUGE problem with dealing with the immaturity of my mother...how to talk to her, how to deal with her attitude, .... you name it and as long as you think like a child, you've nailed it on the head when it comes to my mom. I cannot talk to her anymore...she throws stuff in my face ALL the time, tries to make me feel bad as if I did something wrong, as if I don't respect what her and my father have done for my sister and I, how we only just insult her, and most recently, today in fact, how our husbands' families can do no wrong. She sees everything as insults because they are concerns to me (like smoking around our baby, drinking while spending the night to watch the baby, abusing her medication, etc.)....she takes all of that like a child would...she'll cry and complain and say how it is not fair. She actually tried to compare her giving our baby, baby tylenol (w/o asking) to my mother-in-law allowing the baby to take a lick of a small piece of chocolate......and then tried to justify as to why she was sitting outside on my patio, baby on lap, smoking a cigarette (just to give you an idea on the immaturity level here........."she was sitting on my lap, we were outside and I was blowing the smoke away from her" were her exact words....and when I reminded her that, even before my daughter was born, we made it abundantly clear that there would be NO smoking around the baby, her response was, "well, I thought it was ok if we were outside".....
Can someone please explain to me about the 12 Steps to give me a bit of assistance, or steer me in the right direction? I'm at my wits end and have no where else to turn
amanda2u2 said
Dec 15, 2005
We explain each Step as we go along,, currently we are on Step 2. Have you visited the alanon board yet? or attended any face2face alanon meetings? Our alanon group is a pretty good sized one and there are meetings most mornings and nights, and an active message board.
amanda
bobl said
Dec 15, 2005
Hi ParentsLilGirl,
I remember your story from the other board. Even though your new, you can still get alot out of step work no matter where you are. I consider it a prep for later when you really dig into them and give you a feel of some things to come in the program.
I attened our step meetings f2f locall and get alot out of them.
Welcome to this board as well. Find local f2f meetings near you and also attend any of our two a day online meetings. Your in the right place. Glad your here.
Bob
MommysLilGirl said
Dec 16, 2005
Thank you for remembering me on the other board! It's amazing how everyone in this fellowship can remember each other...I find it very comforting to know that, even if you really don't remember, you always feel welcome and warm. Thank you Thank you Thank you. I've researched groups and locations in my area and found a group at a local church that I am going to attend along with my sister. I'm working on reading, thoroughly, about the 12 Steps....I am also looking into getting a book in regards to same because this is something I need to do for myself, and for no one else. Slowly, I am starting to come to realization that I cannot change what I am not in control over....it sucks, it really does because it means seeing those that I love hurt, but I know I have to keep my own peace of mind and better myself....yes, it does mean, for now distancing myself from my mother and setting up boundaries, but I am willing to deal with the aftermath...I just have to figure out HOW to...but I am willing. I always want to see other people happy before myself, which I LOVE to do, but I'm neglecting myself and my own family because my actions affect them as well. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful 6 month old daughter that want me to be me just as much as I do......that's why I'm here. I hope you have a good weekend and I look forward to talking again
MommysLilGirl said
Dec 16, 2005
Doyou stay on a step as long as you need to in order to understand and accept? I have begun with Step 1, on my own time, using the internet and seeing how others have done it. As I said, I will be going to meetings beginning next week, but I wanted to start now. Please share with me if I'm headed in the right direction
Step One - Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and narcotics - that our lives become unmanageable
1. Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s pill dependency? Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s behavior?
This is my very first time working with the 12 Step Program and I see that I have a lot ahead of me and a lot to work on to better myself. I have come to ‘realize’ (this is a start for me which is going to take a lot to ‘accept’) that I cannot control or change another person. I love my parents so much that I think that if I say or do something that, one day, it will click in their heads and they will come to their senses and realize the situation that they have placed themselves in. I have also come to realize that I must distance myself away from these situations, not to run away from them, but they are not MY problems, therefore, I do not have control over the situation. I love to see other people happy and would do anything to help out someone in need, but I cannot help those who are dependant on alcohol or narcotics. I always think that I can solve problems and make things better, but I am realizing that I cannot. I also thought that by reading over the 12 Steps, that anyone could just fly right through them and accept as quickly as they read the Step. I accept the fact that it is going to take me quite some time to accept that I have no control over others decisions in their lives, especially those of my parents. I have also accepted the fact that I WANT to work towards bettering myself and my relationship with my family and to do that, I must take care of myself and accept what I do not have control over. I say it in my head and it all makes sense, but I must work towards making it reality and not fiction. I must stick by my decisions and set boundaries and deal with the aftermath of MY decisions, not someone else’s. I realize that I cannot let others sway my decisions and that I must make them on my own time, in my own way, no matter what anyone else thinks or says. I accept the fact that this will take me some time, but I am READY to take this on, full force...for my peace of mind, my sanity, and for my personal comfort, for I want to be in control of my life and not allow others to grab the reign.
2. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? Do I accept that narcotics dependency is a disease? How does that change how I feel with the drinker/pill taker?
I fully accept that alcoholism is a disease. I have come to grips with the fact that my father is an alcoholic and I have also ‘realized’ that he is an adult, in charge of his own life, and I have faith that one day, he will turn his life around. I feel better because my father has admitted he is an alcoholic, but am working on realizing that I cannot control his life, or make his decisions for him. I accept the fact that he did not ask for this disease and did not ask to be an addict, for no one would want to be an addict. I have not accepted the fact that narcotics dependency is a disease. I presently feel that the way I used to feel about alcoholics, so I have a long way to go, but I have accepted the fact that I must become more educated on narcotics dependency in order to have a stable, working relationship with my family. I accept that I cannot change them, but I can better myself. I cannot accept the fact that my mother likes the way she is. I cannot accept the fact that my mother sleeps until all hours of the day because she is tired, when I know it’s because of the consumption of alcohol and all of the medication she is on. I cannot accept the fact that my mother, on several occasions, has almost lost her job over this disease. I cannot accept the fact that my mother has not admitted that she has a problem. I cannot accept the fact that she uses physical ailments to get more pills to satisfy her body and mind. However, I can accept the fact that no matter the situation, I love my mother and will always be supportive of her. I have accepted the fact that I must set boundaries to protect me and my family from the ‘unintentional’ situations.
3. Have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have tried to change everyone’s life that I have contact with. Especially my mother’s life. I have tried to break her of her ‘disease’ and have tried to show her that it is dangerous and that she is heading for an early grave...I still am trying to change her, but I have come to ‘realize’ that I cannot change her. I have said my peace in telephone calls and letters to no avail. It is taking every ounce of my being to stick to my guns, but I know I must do this for my own peace of mind and sanity. I do not want my actions of trying to make others happy, healthy or safe, affect my relationship with my husband and daughter. I am starting to finally see how it is affecting my relationship with my husband and I do not like the consequences. At times I do not realize how ‘controlling’ I am. I am not a control freak, but deep down, it appears that I like things done my way and if they are not, I try to change them to fit my way. My relationship with my husband is great and I love being in his life and having him in my life, but I do not, and cannot, afford to lose any part of him, so I choose to make a change in MY life and better myself. The main consequence in trying to change my mother’s life is constant crying and anger, RAGE, and the consequences run into my home life and hits my husband right in the face, when it is not his problem and should not be his problem. I feel helpless and not in control over even my own life and I hate that feeling. I choose not to feel this way anymore. I hate getting into arguments with my mother over the way I feel about her lifestyle because I have come to appreciate my parents, not argue with them. I hate crying so hard that I cannot breathe, and then turning into an anger controlled, bitter individual who now has to explain why I am crying to anyone I come in contact with, because I am NOT an angry, bitter individual and that is who I choose NOT to be or become.
4. How do I feel when the alcoholic/narcotic dependant refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I feel very angry, filled with rage, hurt, resentful, disappointed, disrespected, frustrated, not in control over my life, helpless, unloved and alone when my parents choose alcohol/narcotics before anything else in their lives, especially their granddaughter, my daughter. It angers me so much that I clench my fists and cry until I fall asleep or can’t see anymore through my red, puffy eyes. I respond with anger and frustration. I tend to lash out at my husband or lock myself down. I cannot talk to my mother without acting like HER mother because talking to my mother is like talking to a child.
amanda2u2 said
Dec 17, 2005
"Progress and not perfection" We need to do each Step as well as we can for now. Some Steps call for action, and some Steps call for 'willingness'. The first time we do the Steps is only the first time, and the times we do them after that will show progress with each one. We might have to stay on a Step for a couple of weeks to get through it.. but not to wait till we think we have it perfectly, cuz there is no such thing and we will get stuck. Like for Step 2... 'came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity'... we need to be open to believe that , but we don't have to know all about that Higher Power and be totally convinced in order to move to Step 3. And for Step 3,, we only have to try it to begin,,, I worked on that for a few weeks before I could finally give God 1 second of control,,,, but that was my beginning on that.
I now know that I need the help of the 12 Steps in coping with the alcoholic issues in my immediate family, more specifically, my father and mother. My father is an alcoholic and has had reocurring bouts of pancreatitis in the past several years, his most recent was a day ago and he's still in the hospital. I have accepted the fact that my father is an alcoholic and I am educated on the matter. I believe that my main concern is with my mother who has not grasped the fact that she is, also, an alcoholic, an abuser of her medication, specifically zanax, and has a lot of mental issues she needs to deal with. I am 28 years old and recently got married and had a beautiful, precious little girl....their first grandchild. We also just bought a house and are not getting ready for our first Christmas as a family, both families included in the celebration.
I am having a HUGE problem with dealing with the immaturity of my mother...how to talk to her, how to deal with her attitude, .... you name it and as long as you think like a child, you've nailed it on the head when it comes to my mom. I cannot talk to her anymore...she throws stuff in my face ALL the time, tries to make me feel bad as if I did something wrong, as if I don't respect what her and my father have done for my sister and I, how we only just insult her, and most recently, today in fact, how our husbands' families can do no wrong. She sees everything as insults because they are concerns to me (like smoking around our baby, drinking while spending the night to watch the baby, abusing her medication, etc.)....she takes all of that like a child would...she'll cry and complain and say how it is not fair. She actually tried to compare her giving our baby, baby tylenol (w/o asking) to my mother-in-law allowing the baby to take a lick of a small piece of chocolate......and then tried to justify as to why she was sitting outside on my patio, baby on lap, smoking a cigarette (just to give you an idea on the immaturity level here........."she was sitting on my lap, we were outside and I was blowing the smoke away from her" were her exact words....and when I reminded her that, even before my daughter was born, we made it abundantly clear that there would be NO smoking around the baby, her response was, "well, I thought it was ok if we were outside".....
Can someone please explain to me about the 12 Steps to give me a bit of assistance, or steer me in the right direction? I'm at my wits end and have no where else to turn
We explain each Step as we go along,, currently we are on Step 2. Have you visited the alanon board yet? or attended any face2face alanon meetings? Our alanon group is a pretty good sized one and there are meetings most mornings and nights, and an active message board.
amanda
Doyou stay on a step as long as you need to in order to understand and accept? I have begun with Step 1, on my own time, using the internet and seeing how others have done it. As I said, I will be going to meetings beginning next week, but I wanted to start now. Please share with me if I'm headed in the right direction
Step One - Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and narcotics - that our lives become unmanageable
1. Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s pill dependency? Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s behavior?
This is my very first time working with the 12 Step Program and I see that I have a lot ahead of me and a lot to work on to better myself. I have come to ‘realize’ (this is a start for me which is going to take a lot to ‘accept’) that I cannot control or change another person. I love my parents so much that I think that if I say or do something that, one day, it will click in their heads and they will come to their senses and realize the situation that they have placed themselves in. I have also come to realize that I must distance myself away from these situations, not to run away from them, but they are not MY problems, therefore, I do not have control over the situation. I love to see other people happy and would do anything to help out someone in need, but I cannot help those who are dependant on alcohol or narcotics. I always think that I can solve problems and make things better, but I am realizing that I cannot. I also thought that by reading over the 12 Steps, that anyone could just fly right through them and accept as quickly as they read the Step. I accept the fact that it is going to take me quite some time to accept that I have no control over others decisions in their lives, especially those of my parents. I have also accepted the fact that I WANT to work towards bettering myself and my relationship with my family and to do that, I must take care of myself and accept what I do not have control over. I say it in my head and it all makes sense, but I must work towards making it reality and not fiction. I must stick by my decisions and set boundaries and deal with the aftermath of MY decisions, not someone else’s. I realize that I cannot let others sway my decisions and that I must make them on my own time, in my own way, no matter what anyone else thinks or says. I accept the fact that this will take me some time, but I am READY to take this on, full force...for my peace of mind, my sanity, and for my personal comfort, for I want to be in control of my life and not allow others to grab the reign.
2. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? Do I accept that narcotics dependency is a disease? How does that change how I feel with the drinker/pill taker?
I fully accept that alcoholism is a disease. I have come to grips with the fact that my father is an alcoholic and I have also ‘realized’ that he is an adult, in charge of his own life, and I have faith that one day, he will turn his life around. I feel better because my father has admitted he is an alcoholic, but am working on realizing that I cannot control his life, or make his decisions for him. I accept the fact that he did not ask for this disease and did not ask to be an addict, for no one would want to be an addict. I have not accepted the fact that narcotics dependency is a disease. I presently feel that the way I used to feel about alcoholics, so I have a long way to go, but I have accepted the fact that I must become more educated on narcotics dependency in order to have a stable, working relationship with my family. I accept that I cannot change them, but I can better myself. I cannot accept the fact that my mother likes the way she is. I cannot accept the fact that my mother sleeps until all hours of the day because she is tired, when I know it’s because of the consumption of alcohol and all of the medication she is on. I cannot accept the fact that my mother, on several occasions, has almost lost her job over this disease. I cannot accept the fact that my mother has not admitted that she has a problem. I cannot accept the fact that she uses physical ailments to get more pills to satisfy her body and mind. However, I can accept the fact that no matter the situation, I love my mother and will always be supportive of her. I have accepted the fact that I must set boundaries to protect me and my family from the ‘unintentional’ situations.
3. Have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have tried to change everyone’s life that I have contact with. Especially my mother’s life. I have tried to break her of her ‘disease’ and have tried to show her that it is dangerous and that she is heading for an early grave...I still am trying to change her, but I have come to ‘realize’ that I cannot change her. I have said my peace in telephone calls and letters to no avail. It is taking every ounce of my being to stick to my guns, but I know I must do this for my own peace of mind and sanity. I do not want my actions of trying to make others happy, healthy or safe, affect my relationship with my husband and daughter. I am starting to finally see how it is affecting my relationship with my husband and I do not like the consequences. At times I do not realize how ‘controlling’ I am. I am not a control freak, but deep down, it appears that I like things done my way and if they are not, I try to change them to fit my way. My relationship with my husband is great and I love being in his life and having him in my life, but I do not, and cannot, afford to lose any part of him, so I choose to make a change in MY life and better myself. The main consequence in trying to change my mother’s life is constant crying and anger, RAGE, and the consequences run into my home life and hits my husband right in the face, when it is not his problem and should not be his problem. I feel helpless and not in control over even my own life and I hate that feeling. I choose not to feel this way anymore. I hate getting into arguments with my mother over the way I feel about her lifestyle because I have come to appreciate my parents, not argue with them. I hate crying so hard that I cannot breathe, and then turning into an anger controlled, bitter individual who now has to explain why I am crying to anyone I come in contact with, because I am NOT an angry, bitter individual and that is who I choose NOT to be or become.
4. How do I feel when the alcoholic/narcotic dependant refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I feel very angry, filled with rage, hurt, resentful, disappointed, disrespected, frustrated, not in control over my life, helpless, unloved and alone when my parents choose alcohol/narcotics before anything else in their lives, especially their granddaughter, my daughter. It angers me so much that I clench my fists and cry until I fall asleep or can’t see anymore through my red, puffy eyes. I respond with anger and frustration. I tend to lash out at my husband or lock myself down. I cannot talk to my mother without acting like HER mother because talking to my mother is like talking to a child.
"Progress and not perfection" We need to do each Step as well as we can for now. Some Steps call for action, and some Steps call for 'willingness'. The first time we do the Steps is only the first time, and the times we do them after that will show progress with each one. We might have to stay on a Step for a couple of weeks to get through it.. but not to wait till we think we have it perfectly, cuz there is no such thing and we will get stuck. Like for Step 2... 'came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity'... we need to be open to believe that , but we don't have to know all about that Higher Power and be totally convinced in order to move to Step 3. And for Step 3,, we only have to try it to begin,,, I worked on that for a few weeks before I could finally give God 1 second of control,,,, but that was my beginning on that.
amanda