What is my concept of a HP at this time?

 

What would it take to allow my concept of my HP to change?

 

Have past experiences affected my concept of a HP?  If so, how?

 

What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

 

Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life?  How?

 

How di I describe the HP I found in Al-Anon?

 

What does Let Go and Let God” mean to me?

 

What does faith mean to me?

 

With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?

 

What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?

 

What does “Came to believe” mean to me?

 

What does sanity mean to me?

 

How does the A situation affect my sanity?  My life ?

 

Have I allowed the A situation to become my HP?  How?

 

How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the A's behavior?

 

How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need?  Did I call an alanut member?  My sponsor?  Did I read Literature?  Did I go to a meeting?  If not, why not?

 

In working this step, can I describe a step two experience to my sponsors, or my group?  In a written sharing? 

 

When have I done the same things over and over yet expected different results?

What is my concept of a HP at this time?

I believe my HP is a loving being I chose to call God.  I believe that there are many ways that one can believe in and have a relationship with my HP.   Sometimes I see my HP as pure energy, pure light, pure goodness that will find ways to personify himself, much like he did by sending his son to this earth, so that humans could more easily believe and identify with him. 

I believe that my HP has a plan for me.  The plan isn’t written in stone.  My philophy since about 9th grad has been one where I believe in a combination of destiny and choice.  I believe our life is like a map from our HP.  He loves us enough that he gives us multiple choice to succeed and get to the intended destinations.  Some roads are harder than others.  Some roads are loops and bring us back.  Sometimes we miss our intended destination, only to be able to revisit it through a back road.

 

What would it take to allow my concept of my HP to change?

In a word, Alanon.   Alanon’s literature and principles allow me to have my own view of my HP.  There is nobody telling me that I will go to hell because of the way I believe.  Through everyone’s ESH, I’m able to learn how others have an open dialogue with their HP and I have been able to incorporate them into my life.  This has allowed me to believe more in the power of one higher.  This has allowed me to speak to my HP more…….and most importantly, how to realize when my HP just might be showing me something. 

 

Have past experiences affected my concept of a HP?  If so, how?

My past experiences, were really a lack of experience.  I had no real religious upbringing, my parents thought when I got older I could choose.  When I was young I thought this noble.  As I grew older, I felt like I had no grounding, no basis.  Maybe this was a blessing as it has allowed me to be very open to others beliefs in HP or HPs.   I see so much good in those beliefs that is similar.  That would give any of us moral grounding.  The curse was that it took me so long to find my HP, the blessing is, that I can accept God in many ways.

Hi bobi - Thanks for posting the Step Two questions. My Higher Power has changed during my years in Al-Anon. When I first started I had none and fought believing in one. I didn't want to hear the word God. As I continued coming to meetings, reading liturature and talking to my sponsor I began to feel that there was something "out there" that was bigger than I. I had allowed the a to take me into some dangerous situations with dangerous people due to drugs and alcohol. Somehow I came out ok and now believe that something or someone had to be looking after me. I'm still not sure what my Higher Power is but my program tells me that's ok - I only need to be willing to believe I have one. So I take it one day at a time - ask for one more day of serenity in the morning and say thank you at night My life is better than I could have imagined - so something is working. Love - Dot

What is my concept of a HP at this time?

Growing up my mom didn't push me into choosing any particular belief system.  We held generic Christian beliefs that were followed when convenient I suppose.  My mother had been forced to go to Catholic school and such so allowed me to make my own choices.

As a teenager, after the traumatic loss of the person I was dating, I started attending a very fundamental Christian church.  There I learned about a God who is loving, caring and forgiving but who also expects his children to do as He has taught.  If not, then we are out of His will and therefore should not expect Him to hear our prayers or to forgive until we return to do as is taught.  The teachings are very conservative and require much sacrifice and a pretty distinct separation from the rest of society's way of life.  If this is not done, then a person is considered to be living outside of the will of God and therefore in sin.

So my concept of my HP is a God who loves me but cannot accept me in the lifestyle that I am living.  This is the concept that I am struggling with because I need to know that God loves me and that he will not turn his back on me. 

2.  What would it take to allow my concept of my HP to change?

I don't know.  I have been struggling with my concept of God for at least 4 years now.  I have made some alternative lifestyle choices and because I felt God is unaccepting of those choices my relationship with him has suffered extremely.

I want to know that I can pray for God's will in my life and not be required to give up parts of my identity and life that I value.  Parts of my life that define who I am as an individual.  Things that I like about me.

In a sense, I would need God to tell me, in one of his marvelous ways, that he accepts me for who I am and is not trying to make me into some completely different person.  I need God to love me for me and allow me to continue to grow in the direction I have chosen.  I need to know that God has not turned his back on me because of a lesbian lifestyle.

--This is a beginning to some of the work I need to do in Step two.  I sense that I may be at this step for a while though I will do work on the following steps too as the board goes through them.  And I hope soon I can have a sponsor who will also help me through all these things

Angelina

Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life?  How?

Only recently have a sensed this spiritual guidance.  I have had glimpses of it in the past and have lost sight of it.  My sense is based on myself asking for guidance and the strength to follow his will and finally opening my eyes up to see it.  Again falling back to those items I used to write off as coincidences now, as my HP talking to me.  Feeling that breeze during or right after trying to speak to my HP.  Having had so many wonderful alanon people come into my life.  I choose the believe that the wealth of unconditional love, comes from my HP using these loving people as vessels of his love to me.  

How does the A situation affect my sanity?  My life ?

Have I allowed the A situation to become my HP?  How?

How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the A behavior?

Wow, these three questions are all related for me.  Sure the A’s behavior has effected my sanity.  I’ve allowed myself to get sucked into my A’s behavior.   I’ve taken my own ill patterns and amplified them with my A.  My A has become my HP because I’ve allowed my A to control my behaviors and my thoughts.  I’ve given my A control instead of Letting Go, letting my HP control those things I can’t and just worrying about what I can control.   I’ve allowed my thinking to become distorted trying to handle the A.  I’m coming to the realization that I may be a fixer/rescuer.  So when I couldn’t rescue my A from herself, I kept trying.  Here I am trying to show my A that I have faith and she is worth it, but my behaviors only emphasized my A’s shortcomings and failures.   I allowed my thinking to obsess over a thousand ‘what ifs’.  I’ve had times when I thought it was all my A’s fault.  I didn’t have a few realizations before program of things that were my fault or I should say, my responsibility.  I have even more w/ a short time in program though.   For me the bottom line in all three of these questions is a loss of control of everything and myself.  I lost this control because my focus was on everyone, especially my A, and not on myself.   Which brings me to another question,

 

What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

Well by accepting my HP, I hope that I can be shown or find the correct path in my life.  I also hope that he will provide me with the strength to take that path, as so often I’ll avoid conflict and take the easiest route.  But the main think that I hope to gain from accepting a HP, is control.  Control?  I thought we were relinquishing to those things we can’t control.  My faith and hope is that by accepting my HP and Letting these things Go, and Letting God, that that will free up my mind, body and soul to focus on myself.  Only through this healing, will I gain control of my life, of my choices.  Focusing on controlling the uncontrollable only hastens any of my downward spirals.   Not controlling those things, allows me the only true control of myself and life

What is my concept of a HP at this time?

Something I am not worthy of.  Like many things in my life I am fearful and at the same time desperate to use what tools I have.  

What would it take to allow my concept of my HP to change?

 

diligence and persistence.  And of course patience a spiritual practice I don't have much of.

 

Have past experiences affected my concept of a HP?  If so, how?

 

My family of origin were "religious addicts". Their concept of God was fearful. I rebelled against that and became hopeless as a result.  Not that I should have complied to their every demand but as a result of rebelling I just ran away from what they had rather than created my own.

 

What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

 

hope strength clarity

Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life?  How?

 

sometimes I don't make much room for it.

 

How di I describe the HP I found in Al-Anon?

sane 

What does Let Go and Let God” mean to me?

 failure

What does faith mean to me?

 my parents faith took over everything and was based on immense fear and a sense of retribution.  I think it was also a way for them to try to keep up with the neighbors personally and look good.  I don't think integrity ever came into it.  They had none.  So for me faith means their insanity. Of course I now as an adult have my own insanity but I think if its better than my parents I won.  As though it were some kind of a contest.

With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?

 

not very often at all.  I do read more and listen more to others talking about their spiritual experiences than I have. But a large part of me is still in rebell mode.  Both my parents are dead so I am rebelling against something that no longer exists.

What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?

 

companionship a belief in my fellow man rather than feeling so isolated.

What does “Came to believe” mean to me?

that it was a journey where I went kicking and screaming.  I think it also means that I had to seek help outside of myself.  I could no longer try to be in magical thinking.

 

What does sanity mean to me?

 calm, no fear.  A sense of perspective rather than impending doom.

How does the A situation affect my sanity?  My life ?

 

minute by minute, moment by moment dread

 

Have I allowed the A situation to become my HP?  How?

 

Absolutely and I try to confront this now more than I did.  I make it the cross I bear rather than a "choice".  I can put the cross down now and again after all.

How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the A's behavior?

 Well rage is very telling on my body and my life it takes up the entire space.

How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need?  Did I call an alanut member?  My sponsor?  Did I read Literature?  Did I go to a meeting?  If not, why not?

 

very very rarely.  I do contact other members but I choose the ones who can't be there for me. they claim to but they find a way around it. In that way I zero in on family of origin experiences. I set myself up to be disappointed again and again and then say see I told you it was hopeless.

In working this step, can I describe a step two experience to my sponsors, or my group?  In a written sharing? 

 

Being willing is a huge step for me. In the last few months I have become willing to change.  I have become willing to try different things. Before various situations swallowed me up like a whale and then I spent the rest of the time in narcissistic rage about them.

When have I done the same things over and over yet expected different results?  Magical thinking.  I can own that now.  I think I can change the world.

hi, maresie,  my concept of God has changed a lot. Before I did Steps 2 and 3 I believed in a slightly sadistic and very judgemental God who was watching and eagerly awaiting an excuse to cast me into hell. I read Step 2 -ACoA in its entirety, and the AA one also, and realized that my concept of God was very much like my human father. I became willing to change what I thought I knew about God and be open to learning more about him. In Step 3 I struggled to see what would happen if I let go and let God for just one second.. and then another second. My experience has been as AA says... God is a loving and merciful God and trusting Him, as I understand Him now, has resulted in amazing things in me and in my life. Trusting people is another issue with me.

welcome to the board,

amanda

Have past experiences affected my concept of a HP?  If so, how?

Most definitely.  The fundamentalist background of my teen years through mid-20s has caused grief because I always expect judgment and punishment for my actions.  I see myself as a generally good person but I fail so I am not good enough.  I'm a lesbian so I feel unacceptable according to the God I was taught about.  I do small things that were preached against, so I am full of trespasses.  Therefore, the past experiences of the church fill me with guilt sometimes for just existing.  Sheesh, I was taught that I could die a sinner just for wearing pants.  I have been greatly affected by past experiences.

 

What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

I hope that in creating a new relationship with God as my HP, I will find a loving God who accepts me so that I can accept myself.  I hope to find a God who shows me how to love myself as He loves me.  I hope to stop giving control of my life to others and by accepting my HP be able to give it to God.  I hope to grow and become healthier than I am now.

 

Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life?  How?

I do sense spiritual guidance in my life.  God has done and allowed to happen many wonderful things in my life.  There have been many people who have passed through my life and left me with good life lessons.  Some of those people were also at the center of major hurts in my life but I still learned or gained something from them.  That to me is a type of spiritual guidance. 

I have been in financial binds with little to no work and my God has provided.  Either the work became available or the money stretched to cover all needs.

My first car that I bought was at a price slashing sale for 88 dollars.  After license and registration it was under 500.  This was at a time where it was getting harder and harder to find rides to places and the bus routes were not always suitable.

Going back to school for my degree was guided by my HP.  I wouldn't have gone back when I did without the support provided by all my coworkers.  Without the flexibility provided at work for me when usually such flexibility would not have been provided.

How di I describe the HP I found in Al-Anon?

The HP described in Al-Anon appears to be a loving, accepting HP.  One who loves without judgment and accepts without strings.  Even if I struggle and fall, this HP is one who will help me back up.  This HP will not turn from me and truly cares for me when it feels that I am all alone and have no one to go to.

This is all I know so far.

What does Let Go and Let God” mean to me?

Let Go and Let God means to stop worrying.  God will take care of it in His time and I can go about doing whatever else needs to be doing.  Let Go and Let God means to let God take care of the situations that are making me crazy.  It means that what I can't control or change I can give to him and even it the situation doesn't change, I may change if I let God do the work.

Let Go and Let God means the possibility of sanity someday.

amen...  it sounds like you are 'coming to believe', and it is a process. My mom was the daughter of a hellfire and brimstone preacher, so I know what you mean. My own idea of God came more from the saying that he is like a father,, my father was very judgemental and violent. Your new idea of God sounds like the 'loving God' that Jesus is.

There are ideals that are set before us,, and we all fall short of them. They are the things that are best for us, and we don't always do what is best for us. But we try, in recovery, to learn and grow,,,  not becomeing perfect, but making progress.

love in recovery,

amanda

I realise the way I grew up with parents who had a fearful God has affected me tremendously. I can be in denial and say I was not affected by it but I was profoundly. There are times when I lean on God tremendously and other times when I will admit to trusting nothing but my own extreme skepticism and feeling like I will always feel  outcast and alone.  I have had numerous experiences that have led me to other views. Depending on what I am working on I can feel faith and at other times no faith at all.

Maresie.

Tonight, I want and need to continue to answer these questions as I redefine my concept of my HP.

What does faith mean to me?

Faith is believing without seeing.  It is believing that situations will be cared for without my interference.  It is giving up control of situations and people for an HP or another to care for.  It is not worrying about what I cannot control because I have given it to God.  It is believing that God loves me and cares for me so much that he will take care of the situations and people that I hand over to him.  

With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?

There are few people I few comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences with.  Some I can share with other fundamentalists.  Others I can share with those that are more liberal and open minded.  I am most comfortable in a one to one type situation and the person I am talking to needs to be nonjudgmental.  What I have experienced spiritually is not something everyone generally believes in so the person needs to be willing to take what they want and leave the rest without tearing me down for what I believe.

 

What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?

I might gain freedom to be myself, freedom from worry, freedom from the need to control everything and everyone around me.  Gain freedom to love and support myself because I am worth it if my God loves and supports me.  Confidence, greater self-esteem so that I don't need constant approval and affirmation from everyone around me.

 

Angelina

What is my concept of a HP at this time?

 My HP is god.

What would it take to allow my concept of my HP to change?

 A Huge loss of faith.

Have past experiences affected my concept of a HP?  If so, how?

 Yes.  In working at a christian organization, I have slowly developed a personal relationship with god.  This happened before I discovered al-anon and the need for an HP.  It started with praying to him for specific results and as many of you know that does not work well.  It grew to praying that I will be OK thru certain situations, that I would survive my problems.  This worked much better and was the beginning of me turning my problems over to him.  I now pray for general well-being, I believe that he is there for me thru each step in life, no matter how painful and that he is holding my hand along the way.  I now "talk" with him constantly, good or bad.  I thank him for the smallest of blessings in my life, even if its as small as light traffic into work on a day I am running late.  I ask him and even say to him during difficult times that I knkow I am going thru this for a reason and all will be OK in the end.  I once read somewhere that when you pray to god he may not answer your specific prayer with what you ask for but rather with what he thinks you need.

What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

 I have gained and hope to continue to gain serenity, peace and ultimately sanity and contentment in life.  Since developing my relationship with my HP I have found a level of serenity that was very much needed in my life.  I would truely be lost in my problems without it.  I even thank my HP for just being there!

Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life?  How?

 Yes, now.  I feel that he has a plan for me and that he trials of life are to help me reach that plan.  In essence, he is guiding me to become the person he designed me to be.  The more I follow along, the better off I am.

How di I describe the HP I found in Al-Anon?

even though I discovered my HP before al-anon, my description has not changed.  He is My savior in that I would be in the depths of insanity if he was not there to turn my problems over to.

What does Let Go and Let God” mean to me?

 Turning my problems over to him.  Letting go of wanting to move mountains to fix a problem I have little or no control over and saying " Please take this problem from me.  Help me thru this as I know you will so I will be OK in the end".

What does faith mean to me?

 Faith is the belief in that HP and the belief in what he does for me.

With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?

This is tough,  I am only comfortable in discussing this with a friend at work.  I have known him now for 2 years and he has been a godsend in my life.  I can talk with him about anything.  Unfortunately, he is the only right now. 

What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?

 sanity serenity happieness

What does “Came to believe” mean to me?

 means just what it states.  Thru cause and effect I began to believe in a power greater than me. 

What does sanity mean to me?

 Happiness and contentment in life

How does the A situation affect my sanity?  My life ?

 tears it apart, both.  Causes several negative emotions.

Have I allowed the A situation to become my HP?  How?

 at one time, yes.  I would focus on him instead of anyone else, including myself.  All my energy would go towards him and the situation we are in.

How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the A's behavior?

 My thinking becomes insane in the respect that I would go thru the same roller coaster of events hoping for a different outcome each time.

How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need?  Did I call an alanut member?  My sponsor?  Did I read Literature?  Did I go to a meeting?  If not, why not?

 I talk with and pray to him

In working this step, can I describe a step two experience to my sponsors, or my group?  In a written sharing? 

 Will have to think on this.  Would like to share just not what sure to share.

When have I done the same things over and over yet expected different results

 

When trying to control or change or plead or ultimatum my A.  Once I stopped this, the insanity seems to disappear!

 

Thanks for the great questions.  In writing this out I feel I have affirmed my relationship with HP and it feels GREAT!  I really needed this now to help me thru my emotions!