IN ALANON WE BELIEVE LIFE IS FOR GROWTH-PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL.GROWTH BEGAN FOR MOST OF US WHEN WE ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT COMPULSIVE DRINKING WAS NOT A WEAKNESS BUT A DISEASE AND OUR OWN ATTITUDES AND REACTIONS WERE NOT HEALTHY.OUR REFUSAL TO FACE OUR PROBLEMS, OUR BLAMING OF ALL OUR FAULTS ON THE ALCOHOLIC AND OUR SELF PITY ALL INDICATED THAT WE NEEDED HELP FOR OURSELVES.
By working the Steps for ourselves we find we have problems of our OWN and by practicing the steps we gain courage and wisdom and leave our old ways behind
Step One
WE ADMITTED THAT WE WERE POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND THAT OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE
Hope for Today Page 59
I HAD BEEN IN ALANON FOR 2 YEARS BEFORE I TOOK STEP 1 I NO LONGER LIVED WITH THE DISEASE SO HOW COULD I ADMIT I WAS POWERLESS.
ONE NIGHT I HAD A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING.WHEN I WAS A YOUNG DAUGHTER OF AN ALCOHOLIC FATHER I WAS POWERLESS.OVER EVERY CRITICISM THAT CAME FROM HIS MOUTH, AND EVERY BLOW HE STRUCK AGAINST ME.To survive such an upbringing, I developed many defenses.When.no longer needed these defenses became character defects.
As an adult I was still powerless over the effects of alcoholismThis awareness helped me to take this step.
Quote(LIVING with Sobriety page 18)
Our pressures and anxieties do not disappear just because we are living with sobriety
MY SHARE
I WAS IN ALANON FOR A FEW YEARS BEFORE i NOTICED THAT THE FIRST WORD OF THIS STEP WAS;ADMITTED.WHENI BEGAN TO THINK ABOUT THIS- I DID DISCOVER THAT FOR MANY YEARS I HAD TRULY KNOWN THAT ALCOHOL WAS A REAL PROBLEM IN MY MARRIGAE AND MY LIFE.gROWING UP IN AN ALCOHOLIC HOME i USED MY TOOLS OF DENIAL AND PRETEND TO HANDLE THE INCEASINGLY DIFFICLUT SITUATIONS. WHEN I DENIED THE EXISTANCE OF ALCOHOLISM AND MY UNHAPPINESS, I PRETENDED ALL WAS WELL AND I WAS HAPPY.DEEP DOWN I WAS FULL OF ANGER, RESENTMENT, SELF PITY AND FEAR.i WOULD NOT OWN ANY OF THOSE FEELINGSS EITHER. i HAD NO CLUE AS TO HOW TO OWN THEM AND DEAL WITH THEM EXCEPT AS i HAD ALWAYS DONE.I WOULD JUST STUFF THEM AND DENY THEM REALITY.wHEN i finally FOUND ALANON MEETINGS I WAS COMPLETELY DEFEATED!!!! I HAD NO WHERE ELSE TO GO.I SAW THESE STEPS AND KNEW THAT THEY PROMISED SOMETHING I HAD NEVER KNOWN.IF I WORKED THESE STEPS I WOULD EXPERIENCE A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING AND CHANGE WOULD HAPPEN.I WAS WILLING TO TAKE THE RISK AND PARTICIPATE.i AM SO VERY GLAD THAT I DID.
finally ADMITTING I WAS POWERLESS WAS EQUALLY FRIGHTENING AND PAINFUL. because IF I WAS POWERLESS THEN MY ENEMY THE ALCOHOLIC WOULD BE POWERFUL.ALANON REMINDED ME THAT THIS IS A DISEASE AND HE TOO WAS POWERLESS.WE BOTH NEEDED TO LOOK OUTSIDE OURSELVES FOR SOLUTIONS.
MY ENTIRE LIFE I HAD SEARCHED FOR CONTROL OF EVERY SITAUTION SINCE.THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY I KNEW TO BE SAFE.i WAS VERY SUBTLE IN MY EFFORTS TO CONTROL I WOULD MANIPULATE YOU WITH KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY AND BELIEVE THIS GAVE ME POWER.i WAS VERY WRONG.iT JUST MADE ME ANGRY AND RESENTFUL AND SO WERE THE PEOPLE I ATTEMPTED TO MANIPULATE..wHEN i FINALLY ACCEPTED THESE TRUTHS, I SAW THAT MY LIFE WAS UNMAGEABLE AND I WAS READY TO MOVE TO STEP 2.The relief I felt with that first surrender was freedom. I will never forget the serenity that entered my being.
Each morning I remind myself that I am powerless over people, places and things, that there is a HP (and I am not it) and that I have turned my will over to HP for the day. I am truly grateful for this program and the tools that keep me sane.
tHANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE
STEP ONE QUESTIONS
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL?
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWeRLESS OVER?
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN to ME?
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY?
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE?
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOL WILL HELP WITH THIS?
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rehprof said
Oct 22, 2012
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVVER ALCOHOL
Though I have accepted that I am powerless over alcohol, I still struggle with letting go of trying to control things in other parts of my life.
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWRLESS OVER/
I am powerless over
1. What others think of me
2. If other people agree with my point of view
3. Other people's anger
4. my body aging
5. the fact that there will always be someone smarter, more beautiful, etc.
6. My As behavior and choices not to support his family
7. other people letting me down
8. that I may be without a partner
Help! Give me some more ideas....
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN OT ME/
I am afraid to admit my powerlessness, because I am afraid that if I don't control things, that life will be even worse.
When I really think about it, being powerless means that no matter what happens, I will be Okay...it means trusting HP...which I find it very difficult to do
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY?
Focus on what I can control...laundry, food, and work
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE/
I work too much and have unreasonable expectations of myself and my limits. I have difficulty saying "No"
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOLS WILL HELP WITH THIS
This is where I need help from the board!!! What ideas do you have?
hotrod said
Oct 22, 2012
Dear Repprof
Thanks for a powerful share on Step 1 My "powerless list resembled yours and also included:
The weather
The health and happiness of my family and friends
The increase in gas prices, and my rent
The small alanon tool that helps me the most is to remind myself to HALT
When Hungry eat a nourishing meal
When Angry Make an alanon call or use a slogan like How important is it
When Lonely Get to a meeting
Tired Rest, go to a movie or watch a TV show
In other words I must take care of my spiritual, physical and emotional health first before I can do my best at work or home
Thank you for your insights and share
DavidG said
Oct 22, 2012
Ah yes,
back to step one, and Hi Reprof!
Sometimes, instead of the word alcohol I have put any number of things,
beginning with alcoholism as an illness.
Slowly, over time I ceased to <control> and instead began to >manage<.
I will always remember my first meeting- it was the first meeting too of our local
Alanon Group, over 30 years ago.
I guess this is why I am here today, at a 12x12 forum. I was fortunate to be a part of a growing group, with all its ups and downs. It was a great learning experience.
This coming weekend our group is hosting an Alanon assembly. It is out of town in the community where I was raised. it will be a very proud time for me. please pray for us, and for ongoing growth and gratitude.
-DavidG,
flopadopilus said
Oct 26, 2012
I need this again! I am powerless over my exAH and all that comes with it, phone calls late and talks of sobriety. I am powerless over what people think and say about me. I am powerless over my 4 year old and her tantrums. I am powerless over my boss and how she chooses to schedule me. I am powerless over my boyfriend. I am powerless over who my 14 year old hangs out with at school. I am powerless over my rent increase. I am powerless over the non stop rain. I am powerless over everything that is not from directly dealing with me. I am powerless over my friends and their moods. I can control me, my eating, exercising, work ethic, studying, my example to my children and my words and actions I have plenty to manage in just that.
hotrod said
Oct 27, 2012
Thank Flop
Great list Glad that you are walking the Steps with us again
suzulu said
Oct 27, 2012
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVVER ALCOHOL/ I accept that I am powerless over alcohol. It is a Powerful agent, it is consuming of many who fall in its wake. by giving over the power, i can begin my healing process.
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWRLESS OVER/
1. MY ABf's behavior
2. How other's view me
3. My Mother's actions, words, attitudes
4. The Past-I cannot change it, rewrite it, relive it, obsess on it
5. other's decisions to change or not to change
6. the existance of everyday challenges and obstacles
7. whether my Abf understands my point of view, motivations, decisions, struggles
8. other people's success/failure to reach recovery
9. Time, it passes, i cannot control other's use of it, or lack of understanding of the passage of time
10. another's ability to apologize or take responsibility for their own actions
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN OT ME/ To me it means learning to let go. If I am powerless to change something or control it, my actions are futile. It's like being on a hamster wheel. by accepting the powerlessness of these situations, I can get off the wheel and look to those things that I can control. Me and my actions, attitudes, Responses. it also means i am giving back, by letting go, i allow another to feel the consequences and power that they have in their own lives. I fear that by this definition, I am still trying to be all powerful... If I let go, he will...fill in the blank. I need to let go even more.
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY? This is where I get stuck. I can do things for myself each day, but i still feel like i am trying to control everything. I can get exercise, but when i go out and do that my thoughts are still obsessive. This is why i am going to al anon, i need help.
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE/ I find my normally strong self, slipping. I am strong and confident in the workplace, in my encounters with most people. With my bf i find myself losing esteem, the cost is getting enormous. I have isolated/insulated myself from much of my support. I am eating poorly. my sleep is erratic at best. as i try to control less, i feel like i am reaching to control more. I know that my issues are mine and I must deal with them. I am scared. i so want to get off this merry go round, our dance has changed a bit since bf has stopped drinking, however i am impatient. he goes in/out of aa, never getting thru step 4. then his resentment, anger return, he is blaming and i keep owning his resentment.
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOLS WILL HELP WITH THIS?I This is why I am here, please help me to find the tools.
Desirae said
Oct 28, 2012
Do I accept that I am powerless over alcohol?
Yes, I do, but it sure took me a long time to understand why. I knew early on in my many relationships with alcoholics that there was nothing I could do to change what they were going to do or how they had decided to live their lives. It was not until I found Al-Anon that I started to understand that it is because of an illness, not a choice. I finally began to understand how the alcoholic mind thinks, and how and why I reacted with so much anger, hurt, resentment, and more anger. The more I come to understand the disease, especially having a 6 year sobriety birthday of my own coming up (surprisingly without a program for most of that time), the more similarities I see in myself and my husband. I had admitted I was powerless, but secretly I was in denial deep within for a long time. Today, with more understanding, I can solemnly say that I do not just admit I am powerless, but that I have come to accept it as well
Can I list 10 things I am powerless over?
Other peoples illness, particularly addiction of any kind.
My own addiction, only managed my my faith in my HP, and choosing of my own actions.
My disability, my now 17 years of vertigo.
My chronic pain
What other people think of me.
Mother Nature
My HIGHER POWERS WILL
My financial situation at this time.
Not being able to give my daughter a sibling, which we all had prayed for as a family.
The loss & moving on of loved ones to their next realm of existence.
What does being powerless mean to me?
I didnt cause it.
I cannot control it.
I cannot cure it.
But I can pray about it and hand it over to someone who is more powerful, my Higher Power My Great Spirit, Gitchimanidoo, as I choose to call Him.
How can I let go of trying to control today?
Well, I tell ya, writing this share is really helping in the present moment. I think I will put this moment in my gratitude journal Sharing & listening to others on the topic, teaches me that it is possible to live life without having to control everything. If they can do it so can I is what I tell myself. I can also keep the focus on myself, my own self care,accepting the things I cannot change, changing the things I can (and keeping my focus on them) and definitely by asking for the wisdom to know the difference. Most of all Let go & Let God.
How is my life unmanageable?
Right now, in the moment I have control over my emotions, but so many times I dont. I miss the unhealthy people in my life that I have detached myself from for the sake of my own well being. I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay to mourn that deep connection and still have hope for them. I have problems with rage. I am currently managing that with the help of medical professionals and medication, but I have my moments where I am scared that I am going to be called in for domestic abuse and be the only one home! I have a hole in my wall that I refuse to let my husband fix, because as my serenity prayer hangs over it, it is a constant reminder of how far I have come. I am powerless over my PTSD much of the time. I have not yet found a way to control flash backs & night terrors from my very colorful past from being a child of an alcoholic family, and anxiety with fear.
My vertigo keeps me from many things I love. As it comes and goes, I am unable to do many of the things I so much enjoy, such as reading, writing, playing my cello, kayaking, beading, volunteering at my daughters school as much as I like. Many of these things, and I am not going to list them all cause I would be here all day, I am also limited because of chronic pain from many injuries and fibromyalgia and unfortunately arthritis at a young age.
What small program tools will help with this?
My favorite tool is prayer. It is the time I can most easily admit my faults, and ask for help, and be completely honest with myself. It is difficult for me to ask for help, but I know that my HP will be the most understanding.
My God BoxWhich for me has turned into a prayer tree. I write what I want to hand over to my HP on a ribbon, bring it to my tree with an offering of either food or tobacco, and it is a physical way for me to hand things over, and watch mother nature strip those things from the ribbons. Let Go & Let God.
And third, my gratitude list. Finding things to be grateful for, even if they are small, remind me that not everything has to be a challenge. I can be grateful for the warmth of the sun on my face, and know that for sure it will come up again tomorrow, whether I wake in the morning or not.
Thank you for sharing your work on Step One . Your clarity and acceptance of this step is evident . I need to always remember that being powerless does not mean hopeless or victim hood. It simply means that it is not my job to even try to fix this situation I will always fail. When I accept that reality new doors open up and I see choices and solutions I never dreamed of Thanks for your shares.
Suzulu the tools that I use everyday and I do believe you do too are> Meetings, talking to sponsor. keeping the focus on myself, prayer, stop judging and gossiping about others and reading of alanon literature. Keep sharing we will move to Step 2 next week
Maxine_J said
Oct 31, 2012
Hello there,
Just wanted to say a quick thank you to you all, Im new and about to start my journey on the steps, bless you and I hope I soon will be able to share my experience, strength and hope xxxx
Maxine xxxx
hotrod said
Nov 1, 2012
WELCOME MAXINE
LOOKING FORWARD TO SHARING THE JOURNEY
BETTY
Maxine_J said
Nov 1, 2012
Thank you Betty,
I really appreciate your welcoming me, I have a million questions as a newcomer and I don't know where to start, but I wont bang on with them, I'd drive you all mad, instead I shall read as much as I can here, and my 'Paths to recovery' book, you all seem such wonderful people, Im so glad I found this site, I will let you know when I have attended my first meeting, its quite far away and I have no car at the mo :( but I have my book in my hand everyday and I dont stop chatting to my HP, :)
take care, god bless Betty
lots of love Maxine xxxxx
tafkap4d said
Nov 6, 2012
Hi, my name is Crystal and I've been going to F2F Al Anon meetings for about three years and I just recently decided to really work the 12 steps. Thanks for letting me share and thanks for all the postings here under the First Step. It makes me realize that this first step isn't as intimidating as I am making it. It's like everything...the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Thanks!
hotrod said
Nov 7, 2012
HI TAFKAP
WELCOME
I APPRECIATE YOUR SHARE . YOU ARE CORRECT THE FIRST STEP IS NOT AS CONFUSING WHEN WE SHARE IT TOGETHER.
NOW ON TO STEP 2.
Spooky Mulder said
Nov 12, 2012
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL/ I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL. IT WAS A POWERFUL AND DESTRUCTIVE FORCE IN MY CHILDHOOD AND NOW AGAIN IN MY MARRIAGE.
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWERLESS OVER?
1. MY A'S MOOD.
2. MY DISABILITIES.
3. MY SON'S DEVELOPMENT.
4. THE PAST.
5. OTHER'S DECISIONS ABOUT HOW TO LIVE RESPONSIBLY.
6. GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE/WEATHER
7. BEING GAY AND HOW PEOPLE FEEL ABOUT MY MARRIAGE.
8. OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS OF ME.
9. WHAT MY PARENTS CHOOSE TO DO ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS.
10. THAT MY EXTENDED FAMILY IS NOT STABLE.
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN OT ME? THIS IS A BIG QUESTION FOR ME. I THINK IT MEANS REALIZING THAT I CAN CONTROL MY OWN BEHAVIOR BUT NOT THE BIGGER PICTURE (FOR EXAMPLE I CAN RECYCLE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT WILL HAVE AN IMPACT ON THE BIGGER PICTURE, OR I CAN, WITH COMPASSION, HOLD PEOPLE ACCOUNTABLE FOR HOW THEY TREAT ME, BUT NOT CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR EITHER BEFORE OR AFTER THE FACT).
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY? I CAN LISTEN TO MY WIFE BETTER WITHOUT BECOMING INSTANTLY DEFENSIVE. THAT'S HUGE FOR ME.
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE? THE ARGUING WITH MY WIFE. IT'S HORRIBLE AND GOES NOWHERE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH TOO RAW AND JUST FINDING THE TOOLS TO DEAL WITH ALCOHOLISM.
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOLS WILL HELP WITH THIS?I THIS IS WHY I AM HERE! .
flopadopilus said
Nov 15, 2012
(IN ALANON WE BELIEVE LIFE IS FOR GROWTH-PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL. GROWTH BEGAN FOR MOST OF US WHEN WE ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT COMPULSIVE DRINKING WAS NOT A WEAKNESS BUT A DISEASE AND OUR OWN ATTITUDES AND REACTIONS WERE NOT HEALTHY. OUR REFUSAL TO FACE OUR PROBLEMS, OUR BLAMING OF ALL OUR FAULTS ON THE ALCOHOLIC AND OUR SELF PITY ALL INDICATED THAT WE NEEDED HELP FOR OURSELVES. )
Wow, this hit me somewhere deep today!
hotrod said
Nov 15, 2012
Hi Again Flop
I agree This is certainly a powerful observation and gave me the drive to begin to work these Steps.
Thanks for your share
Sienna said
Nov 17, 2012
Am I Powerless over my daughters disease?
My share - I have always been in control, or so I thought. I never cared much for alcohol, and I never tried any drugs, because I hated the idea of being out of control. Step 1 - This was a hard step for me. Having a minor child with an addiction has been devastating and has had me hopeless. But I have come to realize that wallowing in a state of hopelessness is not how i want to be, and that i can make a difference for me. i understand my self control has nothing to do with controlling anyone else, particularly my daughter. I have accepted the 3 Cs - I didn't cause my daughters alcoholism - her alcoholism is an addiction to pot - I can't cure it, and I can't control it. Accepting this has actually been a relief for me, and has let me free myself of so much guilt. I am understanding what I can control - myself and how I react - and what I am powerless over.
List ten things I have no control over
1. Any other person
2. The weather
3. How others perceive me.
4. Tomorrow - the future
5. Whether my daughter works the steps for herself
6. That alcoholism runs in my family
7. The events that have already happened and brought me this place.
8. Whether there is peace or war in our world
9. Whether I lose a loved one - their health, longevity
10. The passing of time
What does being powerless mean to me.
The 3 Cs help me here. I cannot make sobriety happen for my daughter. Her recovery is up to her. I can provide love and support and choose not to shame her or guilt her (manipulate) regarding her addiction in an effort to control her and her disease. Then I have to let it go and hope and pray for the best.
How can I let go of trying to control today?
Today I will read the days offering in Courage to Change. I have found these short reads bring me some peace. I will not engage in a battery of questions with my daughter that are designed to control her every movement. I will do some yoga which helps me clear my mind.
How is/was my life unmanageable.
Wow had my life become unmanageable. I was so distraught over my daughters disease I couldn't concentrate enough to work. I had to take a leave of absence. I was so consumed with her situation there was no time for anyone else in my life, let alone me. I was enabling for a time, not understanding that I was just feeding the disease.
What program tools help me?
The sayings. My best days are when I accept one day at a time. When I remember progress not perfection I deal much better with my daughter. The readings too. Courage to change helps ground me. It is the first thing I read in the morning. The newspaper can wait.
Thank you for letting me be a part and working the steps with you al.
hotrod said
Nov 17, 2012
DEAR SIENNA
THANK YOU FOR YOU HONEST, THOUGHTFUL SHARE. yOUR INSIGHTS AND ACCEPTANCE ARE POWERFUL TRIBUTES TO YOUR HARD WORK AND DEDICATION TO RECOVERY.
KEEP COMING BACK -- ON TO STEP 2
kihaq said
Dec 13, 2012
well here goes nothing....
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL? yes, it is ruining my life and I cant do anything to change that because no matter whether I like it or not I'm connected to the disease
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWERLESS OVER?
-his actions
-my emotional fallout when i smell, hear or anticipate the drunk
-the complications of life
-the death spiral of alcohol
-what impacts alcholism will have on the kids
-what BS he tells the kids to normalize his behaviour
-life goes on...and then it doesn't- we have one shot at happiness
-what others think of me
-what others think of this situation
-what happened in the past that has gotten me to this place
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN TO ME?
-sadness- my life will always suck! I was blessed but chose to be with someone with an aweful disease and getting out will not make it better.
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY?
today i have closed the door to the smell and the slobbering yelling voice. that is still control- i feel as if I need something to hang onto so that i can keep sanity. the insight is that this is not going to be solved today
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE?
I am really unhappy- my soul is dis-eased! my kids are learning about things that are way beyond their years. my son is emulating his father and I can't control what he is exposed to whether we are together or not. I can't be everywhere all the time. i have to work. i have to provide and to do that i need reliability around me. i need to have time to take care of myself. i need to laugh, love, cry
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOL WILL HELP WITH THIS?
no idea- i don't believe in higher powers so that's a problem. I believe the random chaos of life can throw you just as much grace and shit! i am trying to submit to the process but feel as if there is a conversion process. i appreciate the overall notion of "helping yourself and the sky will help you"
does this make sense? on thing about the internet is that it is like talking to the big wide space...the universe
hotrod said
Dec 14, 2012
Dear Kihag I hear your terrible pain and sadness. I too have felt as you do and that is when I first entered the rooms of alanon. I did not believe in a Higher Power and could not let go to that entity. It was suggested that I use the alanon program and principles as a power greater than myself. That made sense. I could see that the alanon tools and principles could work for me and had worked for many. I decided to place my Faith in this program and move through the Steps. . The program tools have replaced all the old negative destructive attitudes that I developed while living with and coping with this dreadful disease I urge you to keep showing up and trying
.We may be powerless over people , places and things but we are not Helpless.We have tremendous power over ourselves, our thoughts , actions and re actions.
Please keep coming back and sharing
kihaq said
Dec 16, 2012
Thanks for your words of wisdom Betty. That can work for me! :)
jojo167 said
Jan 10, 2013
Hi to all.
i am new to this forum,and as my group says with delight to me..i am not the newbie anymore..lol..that was 8 months ago.
how my life has changed in just 8 short months.
Kihag....you have moved me to write here on this page tonight. I came here to get a better understanding on the first step,as tomorrow morning i am chairing at my meeting. because it it the 1st month of the year..we talk about the 1st step.. believe me when i tell you..you are not alone. like you when i first entered the doors of my first Alanon meeting i was confused,depleted, distaught,teary eyed and felt like i had no where else to turn. IT is my understanding that my husband has an issue with alcohol and because of that..i do as well.....and our son has an issue with alchohol and drugs...that has been on going for 10 years now.
Like you i had to control everything and everyone in my life..so that people who look in on my life saw everything was great perfect.......i wasn't even aware that ,this was the person i had become....and if i didn't get my way..boy was i mad..i drove me crazy..All the ranting and raving when my boy stole money out of our account..i tried to control that situation... for nearly 10 years. when i would yell and scream and cry to my husband..why are you drinkng and driving if something ever happens you will leave me with the mess to clean up don't you love your family,,don't you love me. don't you care about yourself. i can see now..of course he does... it truly is a disease
it is only by the grace of my higher power..that i am learning the steps this program offers, in my own way.. ..
The first step talks about powerlessness and how our lives have been unmanageable.
WEll i am powerless over most everything in my life.......except me..... My life may have been unmanagable..but through going to meetings and sharing and most importantly listening...i don't think i ever really listened before i started going to meetings.....my life's problems never go away..but using tools such as the slogans or prayer or sponsorship or going to meetings..my unmanageable life is managable now..and with lots of hope, and gratutde..it shows me that there is another way to look ,to see things clearly for myself through my own eyes and no one elses.My thoughts..the way i fold the laundry, the way i make dinner for my family the way i do my hair... doesn't have to make sense to anyone else but they do have to make sense to me. As for believeing in a higher power..well that was an easy one for me. i grew up catholic..but when i was raised "GOD" was seen as someone who punishes for wrong doings..I was a bad person full of remorse if i didn't do "as i was told" So being able to say Let go and Let god was a totally new concept for me.Now i can hardly wait to say hello to him every day. and i do it in a very special way.. i see my self as a small child and i stand in front of him his hands are in front of me as if i could climb right into them..and then i give him all my worries or all my hopes and my prayers, and place them in his hands, for just that day and he takes them and then i climb into his hands and he raises them to his face and i give him the biggest hug and then i lay in his hands and he kisses my face and cradles me. i am a 48 year old women and it makes me happy He is becoming my dear friend , something i couldn't comprehend all my life.he has always been my friend.... not someone i should fear..and i am so greatful!! for all the opportunities this programm has given me..it's all just for me
i won't pretend it has been easy and that things are all honky dory because they aren't. the road is long and treacherous sometimes but thats ok.....good days and bad days.....one day at a time. Yes i am powerless over people places and things but i am not powerless over myself in what i choose for myself. just keep coming back because you are so worth it...we all are you may learn as i am learning... that it is a living programe that helps those who help themselves at their own pace ,with their higher powers own time line... thanks for listening i realy hope this helps you understand that you can have happiness however small it may be in your day
blessings to you and your family jojo
hotrod said
Jan 15, 2013
JoJO
Thank you fro your clarity and powerful share. Glad you joined us and do hope your meeting went well
DebbieB said
Jan 25, 2013
Hello Everyone,
I have to admit I am a little nervous about this. I have been attending Al-Anon for about a year and a half, but I have not gotten a sponsor nor worked the steps. There has already been a great deal of improvement in my attitude and feelings since I have been going to meeting, but I know there is so much more to improve upon. I decided it was time to start truly working the program by starting to work the steps. I will sort through my answers to the questions and get those posted.
I am a 52 year old adult child of an alcoholic father. I grew up in a house with a lot of emotions, both good and bad. Some days where great and others were horrible. I tell people that growing up with my father was like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Such two different personalities. I did not realize how much my life with him affected my life today. I wish I had known sooner.
Anyway, I am excited (and nervous) about starting this new path in my journey.
DebbieB
Overcome said
Mar 2, 2013
Well, under my name it says "newbie" and I am new to the Step Work Board, but not to Al-anon face to face or MIP in general. Hotrod encouraged me to join this Board as I am also the chair for the Thursday night Step/Tradition meetings in the chat room on Thursdays at 9 p.m. E.S.T. We are now on Tradition 11, this next week, but I will be starting the Steps again in a couple of weeks, so thought it a good idea for me to "work the steps" once again with you guys!
I have been in Al-anon 20+ years now and have served in several local and district levels, as well as on this site. I feel like one of the most important things we can do as newbies, or old-timer's is to continue to work the steps and do service work. Other daily practices I have to stay in the program are to meditate daily and read my daily devotions. I, like hotrod, practice HALT a lot, as I'm currently caring for my elderly mother and need to still keep the focus on me. Just because i'm not living with an alcoholic anymore does not mean I can become complacent about my program, I am quick to slide back into old behaviors if I do.
My own personal story is this: I started working a 12 step program 22 1/2 years ago in the ACOA program, funny thing is I wasn't the Adult Child of an Alcoholic! LOL I started going to ACOA after my second divorce from my second alcoholic husband, on the suggestion from a friend. At first I attended ACOA with this girlfriend and another girlfriend; then I started dating an ACOA myself and we started going together. This man became my third husband, and this marriage taught me more about the Family disease of alcoholism than any other marriage I had been through. After he and I attended ACOA meetings together for a year, I decided I was becoming too co-dependent on him (and he on me) and that ACOA had become more of a place to "co-miserate" about our problems instead of solve them. I wanted to stay in the "solution" not the "problem", so I started attending Al-Anon at this time. That was in Octoboer of 1991! I continued to work the program throughout that marriage which lasted almost 12 years. I basically raised our daughter (now almost 16) in this program, and although she doesn't want to go to alateen, because according to her "her problems aren't as bad as those kids who are 'living with a drunk', I beg to differ... but this is a program of 'attraction not promotion' so I refrain from 'pushing her' until she is ready to see the benefits to her, for herself. Unfortunately the marriage did not survive the disease. Although this particular husband did not suffer from alcoholism, he did suffer from the "effects" of growing up with an alcoholic father who physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually and psychologically abused him. During the course of a year of legal seperation (and a longer time of just regular seperation) the marriage ended in divorce when I discovered that he had a problem with pornagraphy, which also included child pornagraphy. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. My story should end here, but it doesn't. A year after this marriage was over, I started dating another alcoholic, a dry drunk. We eventually married a year later. I thought, "I have my program, he isn't drinking. I can handle this, because I love him." NOT! This marriage ended after three years, that was August 25th of 2009, and the date of my "Relationship with Myself and my HP" began!
Ok, now for the questions:
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL?
Yes! most equivacably! If there is anything that the last 20+ years has taught me it is this: I am powerless over people, places and things, as well as alcoholism.
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWERLESS OVER? yes!
1. my four ex-husbands
2. My 90 year old mother's Alzheimer's
3. my daughter's decisions
4. my financial situation
5. the weather (just went through two blizzards here in Missouri)
6. our national government
7. my ex-fil the pedafile (who is 71)
8. my third ex-husband's family of origin who still live in denial that the pedifile is a threat to their children't well being and safety, despite his age
9. professional's who don't believe in 12-step programs (this happened a long time ago, not so much today, but still makes me angry)
10. my own family, friends and 'the church' who have abandoned me in the hour of my greatest need - caring for my mom
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN TO ME?
For me today, it means that I am powerless over people, places and things that are making my life unmanageable: my mom's illness, the fact that I am a single mom raising a daughter and caring for my mom at the same time; in the 'sandwich generation'. I am basically powerless over everything but me. the only one who does have any power is the God of my understanding.
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY?
I can start by changing what I can... me. practice halt. H - Am I hungry? eat. A - Am i angry? journal it, call my sponsor, do some physical activity. L -Lonley? Go to a f2f meeting, go to MIP chat, call someone on my "phone list" from my f2f group. t - Tired? Take a nap. Get somone to help with mom, even if I have to Pay them myself! i need to take care of me! or there won't be anyone to take care of mom or daughter.
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE?
It is unmanageable in a mirad of ways, all of which relate not to an alcoholic, but the disease of alzheimer's. I have found that this program works "in all my affairs", not just one...
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOL WILL HELP WITH THIS?
Well, I already mentioned halt, but I will say it again! :) Other slogans that help me with mom's alzheimer's are: this too shall pass. just for today. let go and let god. breathe.
but for the grace of god, there go I. (this disease, like alcoholism, is generational) take a daily inventory of "the things that I can change" ... ME.
first things first. keep it simple. and the biggest one of all... live odaat!
other than slogans and the serenity prayer (which I say repeatedly throughout the day), one of the biggest program tools I us to help with this is service work. a good book to read about service work is when I got busy I got better. but any level of service work is good... making coffee at a f2f meeting, greeting newies, chairing meetings, and service positions at the district and area levels and on up!
Thanks for bringing my attention to the step board once again hotrod. I will try to work on step two next!
Lisa (Overcome)
-- Edited by Overcome on Saturday 2nd of March 2013 12:45:25 PM
hotrod said
Mar 5, 2013
Dear Lisa
Thank you for your honesty and clarity Your are so right on -- We must continue to work these steps throughout our lives in order to continue to remain spiritually alive and awake
Love your share
Betty
NicoleDiver said
Mar 6, 2013
STEP ONE QUESTIONS DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL? Yes CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWeRLESS OVER? 1 What his family thinks of me 2 If he uses drugs 3 What he says to me 4 What other people say to me 5 What he does at work 6 Whether or not he pays his probation 7 If he gets fired 8 What other people think of me 9 If he chooses to break the law 10 If people believe what I say
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN to ME? It means I have to learn to not care about what happens. I have to learn that I cannot control what other people do. I can only control myself, how I feel, what I do, what I think. HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY? I need to stop thinking about other people all of the time. I need to think about myself. I need to pray more. HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE? I am very depressed, at a very low point, I am so angry I want to physically hurt somebody. Sometimes I find myself taking out my anger on my daughter by saying mean things to her. I lash out at others, especially him and his family. I think all of the time about what people think of me. It is exhausting. I wish I didnt care what people thought about me. I am always afraid they are mad at me or think bad things about me. I argue constantly with my AH. We have a terrible relationship that makes home life almost unbearable. WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOL WILL HELP WITH THIS? HALT, hungry then eat, Angry then call al anon sponsor, lonely then go to a meeting, tired then rest I need a lot of tools right now. I need a sponsor but have no meetings to go to. I am hoping he will let me go to meetings at night and watch our daughter. But I doubt he will agree to this. Well see. I should pray more. But I feel so disconnected from my HP. Mostly, I just feel anger. After anger I feel mostly despair.
hotrod said
Mar 7, 2013
Thank you Nicole
The Steps are the key to recoverry. Step one is difficult and you have taken it with much honesty and willingness.
I hope that you will be able to find a meeting in the afternoon that you can attend. If not try the on line meetings here. They help to break the isolation and the support enriches your life.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 7th of March 2013 01:27:28 AM
Twelve Steps
Alanon 12 Steps and 12 Traditions page 1
IN ALANON WE BELIEVE LIFE IS FOR GROWTH-PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL. GROWTH BEGAN FOR MOST OF US WHEN WE ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT COMPULSIVE DRINKING WAS NOT A WEAKNESS BUT A DISEASE AND OUR OWN ATTITUDES AND REACTIONS WERE NOT HEALTHY. OUR REFUSAL TO FACE OUR PROBLEMS, OUR BLAMING OF ALL OUR FAULTS ON THE ALCOHOLIC AND OUR SELF PITY ALL INDICATED THAT WE NEEDED HELP FOR OURSELVES.
By working the Steps for ourselves we find we have problems of our OWN and by practicing the steps we gain courage and wisdom and leave our old ways behind
Step One
WE ADMITTED THAT WE WERE POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND THAT OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE
Hope for Today Page 59
I HAD BEEN IN ALANON FOR 2 YEARS BEFORE I TOOK STEP 1 I NO LONGER LIVED WITH THE DISEASE SO HOW COULD I ADMIT I WAS POWERLESS.
ONE NIGHT I HAD A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING. WHEN I WAS A YOUNG DAUGHTER OF AN ALCOHOLIC FATHER I WAS POWERLESS.OVER EVERY CRITICISM THAT CAME FROM HIS MOUTH, AND EVERY BLOW HE STRUCK AGAINST ME. To survive such an upbringing, I developed many defenses. When.no longer needed these defenses became character defects.
As an adult I was still powerless over the effects of alcoholism This awareness helped me to take this step.
Quote (LIVING with Sobriety page 18)
Our pressures and anxieties do not disappear just because we are living with sobriety
MY SHARE
I WAS IN ALANON FOR A FEW YEARS BEFORE i NOTICED THAT THE FIRST WORD OF THIS STEP WAS;ADMITTED. WHENI BEGAN TO THINK ABOUT THIS- I DID DISCOVER THAT FOR MANY YEARS I HAD TRULY KNOWN THAT ALCOHOL WAS A REAL PROBLEM IN MY MARRIGAE AND MY LIFE. gROWING UP IN AN ALCOHOLIC HOME i USED MY TOOLS OF DENIAL AND PRETEND TO HANDLE THE INCEASINGLY DIFFICLUT SITUATIONS. WHEN I DENIED THE EXISTANCE OF ALCOHOLISM AND MY UNHAPPINESS, I PRETENDED ALL WAS WELL AND I WAS HAPPY. DEEP DOWN I WAS FULL OF ANGER, RESENTMENT, SELF PITY AND FEAR. i WOULD NOT OWN ANY OF THOSE FEELINGSS EITHER. i HAD NO CLUE AS TO HOW TO OWN THEM AND DEAL WITH THEM EXCEPT AS i HAD ALWAYS DONE. I WOULD JUST STUFF THEM AND DENY THEM REALITY. wHEN i finally FOUND ALANON MEETINGS I WAS COMPLETELY DEFEATED!!!! I HAD NO WHERE ELSE TO GO. I SAW THESE STEPS AND KNEW THAT THEY PROMISED SOMETHING I HAD NEVER KNOWN. IF I WORKED THESE STEPS I WOULD EXPERIENCE A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING AND CHANGE WOULD HAPPEN. I WAS WILLING TO TAKE THE RISK AND PARTICIPATE. i AM SO VERY GLAD THAT I DID.
finally ADMITTING I WAS POWERLESS WAS EQUALLY FRIGHTENING AND PAINFUL. because IF I WAS POWERLESS THEN MY ENEMY THE ALCOHOLIC WOULD BE POWERFUL. ALANON REMINDED ME THAT THIS IS A DISEASE AND HE TOO WAS POWERLESS. WE BOTH NEEDED TO LOOK OUTSIDE OURSELVES FOR SOLUTIONS.
MY ENTIRE LIFE I HAD SEARCHED FOR CONTROL OF EVERY SITAUTION SINCE. THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY I KNEW TO BE SAFE. i WAS VERY SUBTLE IN MY EFFORTS TO CONTROL I WOULD MANIPULATE YOU WITH KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY AND BELIEVE THIS GAVE ME POWER. i WAS VERY WRONG. iT JUST MADE ME ANGRY AND RESENTFUL AND SO WERE THE PEOPLE I ATTEMPTED TO MANIPULATE.. wHEN i FINALLY ACCEPTED THESE TRUTHS, I SAW THAT MY LIFE WAS UNMAGEABLE AND I WAS READY TO MOVE TO STEP 2. The relief I felt with that first surrender was freedom. I will never forget the serenity that entered my being.
Each morning I remind myself that I am powerless over people, places and things, that there is a HP (and I am not it) and that I have turned my will over to HP for the day. I am truly grateful for this program and the tools that keep me sane.
tHANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE
STEP ONE QUESTIONS
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL?
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWeRLESS OVER?
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN to ME?
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY?
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE?
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOL WILL HELP WITH THIS?
--
--
--
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVVER ALCOHOL
Though I have accepted that I am powerless over alcohol, I still struggle with letting go of trying to control things in other parts of my life.
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWRLESS OVER/
I am powerless over
1. What others think of me
2. If other people agree with my point of view
3. Other people's anger
4. my body aging
5. the fact that there will always be someone smarter, more beautiful, etc.
6. My As behavior and choices not to support his family
7. other people letting me down
8. that I may be without a partner
Help! Give me some more ideas....
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN OT ME/
I am afraid to admit my powerlessness, because I am afraid that if I don't control things, that life will be even worse.
When I really think about it, being powerless means that no matter what happens, I will be Okay...it means trusting HP...which I find it very difficult to do
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY?
Focus on what I can control...laundry, food, and work
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE/
I work too much and have unreasonable expectations of myself and my limits. I have difficulty saying "No"
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOLS WILL HELP WITH THIS
This is where I need help from the board!!! What ideas do you have?
Ah yes,
back to step one, and Hi Reprof!
Sometimes, instead of the word alcohol I have put any number of things,
beginning with alcoholism as an illness.
Slowly, over time I ceased to <control> and instead began to >manage<.
I will always remember my first meeting- it was the first meeting too of our local
Alanon Group, over 30 years ago.
I guess this is why I am here today, at a 12x12 forum. I was fortunate to be a part of a growing group, with all its ups and downs. It was a great learning experience.
This coming weekend our group is hosting an Alanon assembly. It is out of town in the community where I was raised. it will be a very proud time for me. please pray for us, and for ongoing growth and gratitude.
-DavidG,
I am powerless over my exAH and all that comes with it, phone calls late and talks of sobriety.
I am powerless over what people think and say about me.
I am powerless over my 4 year old and her tantrums.
I am powerless over my boss and how she chooses to schedule me.
I am powerless over my boyfriend.
I am powerless over who my 14 year old hangs out with at school.
I am powerless over my rent increase.
I am powerless over the non stop rain.
I am powerless over everything that is not from directly dealing with me.
I am powerless over my friends and their moods.
I can control me, my eating, exercising, work ethic, studying, my example to my children and my words and actions I have plenty to manage in just that.
Thank Flop
Great list Glad that you are walking the Steps with us again
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVVER ALCOHOL/ I accept that I am powerless over alcohol. It is a Powerful agent, it is consuming of many who fall in its wake. by giving over the power, i can begin my healing process.
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWRLESS OVER/
1. MY ABf's behavior
2. How other's view me
3. My Mother's actions, words, attitudes
4. The Past-I cannot change it, rewrite it, relive it, obsess on it
5. other's decisions to change or not to change
6. the existance of everyday challenges and obstacles
7. whether my Abf understands my point of view, motivations, decisions, struggles
8. other people's success/failure to reach recovery
9. Time, it passes, i cannot control other's use of it, or lack of understanding of the passage of time
10. another's ability to apologize or take responsibility for their own actions
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN OT ME/ To me it means learning to let go. If I am powerless to change something or control it, my actions are futile. It's like being on a hamster wheel. by accepting the powerlessness of these situations, I can get off the wheel and look to those things that I can control. Me and my actions, attitudes, Responses. it also means i am giving back, by letting go, i allow another to feel the consequences and power that they have in their own lives. I fear that by this definition, I am still trying to be all powerful... If I let go, he will...fill in the blank. I need to let go even more.
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY? This is where I get stuck. I can do things for myself each day, but i still feel like i am trying to control everything. I can get exercise, but when i go out and do that my thoughts are still obsessive. This is why i am going to al anon, i need help.
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE/ I find my normally strong self, slipping. I am strong and confident in the workplace, in my encounters with most people. With my bf i find myself losing esteem, the cost is getting enormous. I have isolated/insulated myself from much of my support. I am eating poorly. my sleep is erratic at best. as i try to control less, i feel like i am reaching to control more. I know that my issues are mine and I must deal with them. I am scared. i so want to get off this merry go round, our dance has changed a bit since bf has stopped drinking, however i am impatient. he goes in/out of aa, never getting thru step 4. then his resentment, anger return, he is blaming and i keep owning his resentment.
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOLS WILL HELP WITH THIS?I This is why I am here, please help me to find the tools.
Do I accept that I am powerless over alcohol?
Yes, I do, but it sure took me a long time to understand why. I knew early on in my many relationships with alcoholics that there was nothing I could do to change what they were going to do or how they had decided to live their lives. It was not until I found Al-Anon that I started to understand that it is because of an illness, not a choice. I finally began to understand how the alcoholic mind thinks, and how and why I reacted with so much anger, hurt, resentment, and more anger. The more I come to understand the disease, especially having a 6 year sobriety birthday of my own coming up (surprisingly without a program for most of that time), the more similarities I see in myself and my husband. I had admitted I was powerless, but secretly I was in denial deep within for a long time. Today, with more understanding, I can solemnly say that I do not just admit I am powerless, but that I have come to accept it as well
Can I list 10 things I am powerless over?
What does being powerless mean to me?
I didnt cause it.
I cannot control it.
I cannot cure it.
But I can pray about it and hand it over to someone who is more powerful, my Higher Power My Great Spirit, Gitchimanidoo, as I choose to call Him.
How can I let go of trying to control today?
Well, I tell ya, writing this share is really helping in the present moment. I think I will put this moment in my gratitude journal Sharing & listening to others on the topic, teaches me that it is possible to live life without having to control everything. If they can do it so can I is what I tell myself. I can also keep the focus on myself, my own self care, accepting the things I cannot change, changing the things I can (and keeping my focus on them) and definitely by asking for the wisdom to know the difference. Most of all Let go & Let God.
How is my life unmanageable?
Right now, in the moment I have control over my emotions, but so many times I dont. I miss the unhealthy people in my life that I have detached myself from for the sake of my own well being. I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay to mourn that deep connection and still have hope for them. I have problems with rage. I am currently managing that with the help of medical professionals and medication, but I have my moments where I am scared that I am going to be called in for domestic abuse and be the only one home! I have a hole in my wall that I refuse to let my husband fix, because as my serenity prayer hangs over it, it is a constant reminder of how far I have come. I am powerless over my PTSD much of the time. I have not yet found a way to control flash backs & night terrors from my very colorful past from being a child of an alcoholic family, and anxiety with fear.
My vertigo keeps me from many things I love. As it comes and goes, I am unable to do many of the things I so much enjoy, such as reading, writing, playing my cello, kayaking, beading, volunteering at my daughters school as much as I like. Many of these things, and I am not going to list them all cause I would be here all day, I am also limited because of chronic pain from many injuries and fibromyalgia and unfortunately arthritis at a young age.
What small program tools will help with this?
My favorite tool is prayer. It is the time I can most easily admit my faults, and ask for help, and be completely honest with myself. It is difficult for me to ask for help, but I know that my HP will be the most understanding.
My God BoxWhich for me has turned into a prayer tree. I write what I want to hand over to my HP on a ribbon, bring it to my tree with an offering of either food or tobacco, and it is a physical way for me to hand things over, and watch mother nature strip those things from the ribbons. Let Go & Let God.
And third, my gratitude list. Finding things to be grateful for, even if they are small, remind me that not everything has to be a challenge. I can be grateful for the warmth of the sun on my face, and know that for sure it will come up again tomorrow, whether I wake in the morning or not.
Hi Suzulu and Desirae
Thank you for sharing your work on Step One . Your clarity and acceptance of this step is evident . I need to always remember that being powerless does not mean hopeless or victim hood. It simply means that it is not my job to even try to fix this situation I will always fail. When I accept that reality new doors open up and I see choices and solutions I never dreamed of Thanks for your shares.
Suzulu the tools that I use everyday and I do believe you do too are> Meetings, talking to sponsor. keeping the focus on myself, prayer, stop judging and gossiping about others and reading of alanon literature. Keep sharing we will move to Step 2 next week
Just wanted to say a quick thank you to you all, Im new and about to start my journey on the steps,
bless you and I hope I soon will be able to share my experience, strength and hope xxxx
Maxine xxxx
WELCOME MAXINE
LOOKING FORWARD TO SHARING THE JOURNEY
BETTY
I really appreciate your welcoming me, I have a million questions as a newcomer and I don't know where to start, but I wont bang on with them, I'd drive you all mad, instead I shall read as much as I can here, and my 'Paths to recovery' book, you all seem such wonderful people, Im so glad I found this site, I will let you know when I have attended my first meeting, its quite far away and I have no car at the mo :( but I have my book in my hand everyday and I dont stop chatting to my HP, :)
take care, god bless Betty
lots of love Maxine xxxxx
HI TAFKAP
WELCOME
I APPRECIATE YOUR SHARE . YOU ARE CORRECT THE FIRST STEP IS NOT AS CONFUSING WHEN WE SHARE IT TOGETHER.
NOW ON TO STEP 2.
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWERLESS OVER?
1. MY A'S MOOD.
2. MY DISABILITIES.
3. MY SON'S DEVELOPMENT.
4. THE PAST.
5. OTHER'S DECISIONS ABOUT HOW TO LIVE RESPONSIBLY.
6. GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE/WEATHER
7. BEING GAY AND HOW PEOPLE FEEL ABOUT MY MARRIAGE.
8. OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS OF ME.
9. WHAT MY PARENTS CHOOSE TO DO ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS.
10. THAT MY EXTENDED FAMILY IS NOT STABLE.
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN OT ME? THIS IS A BIG QUESTION FOR ME. I THINK IT MEANS REALIZING THAT I CAN CONTROL MY OWN BEHAVIOR BUT NOT THE BIGGER PICTURE (FOR EXAMPLE I CAN RECYCLE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT WILL HAVE AN IMPACT ON THE BIGGER PICTURE, OR I CAN, WITH COMPASSION, HOLD PEOPLE ACCOUNTABLE FOR HOW THEY TREAT ME, BUT NOT CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR EITHER BEFORE OR AFTER THE FACT).
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY? I CAN LISTEN TO MY WIFE BETTER WITHOUT BECOMING INSTANTLY DEFENSIVE. THAT'S HUGE FOR ME.
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE? THE ARGUING WITH MY WIFE. IT'S HORRIBLE AND GOES NOWHERE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH TOO RAW AND JUST FINDING THE TOOLS TO DEAL WITH ALCOHOLISM.
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOLS WILL HELP WITH THIS?I THIS IS WHY I AM HERE!
Wow, this hit me somewhere deep today!
Hi Again Flop
I agree This is certainly a powerful observation and gave me the drive to begin to work these Steps.
Thanks for your share
DEAR SIENNA
THANK YOU FOR YOU HONEST, THOUGHTFUL SHARE. yOUR INSIGHTS AND ACCEPTANCE ARE POWERFUL TRIBUTES TO YOUR HARD WORK AND DEDICATION TO RECOVERY.
KEEP COMING BACK -- ON TO STEP 2
well here goes nothing....
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL? yes, it is ruining my life and I cant do anything to change that because no matter whether I like it or not I'm connected to the disease
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWERLESS OVER?
-his actions
-my emotional fallout when i smell, hear or anticipate the drunk
-the complications of life
-the death spiral of alcohol
-what impacts alcholism will have on the kids
-what BS he tells the kids to normalize his behaviour
-life goes on...and then it doesn't- we have one shot at happiness
-what others think of me
-what others think of this situation
-what happened in the past that has gotten me to this place
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN TO ME?
-sadness- my life will always suck! I was blessed but chose to be with someone with an aweful disease and getting out will not make it better.
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY?
today i have closed the door to the smell and the slobbering yelling voice. that is still control- i feel as if I need something to hang onto so that i can keep sanity. the insight is that this is not going to be solved today
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE?
I am really unhappy- my soul is dis-eased! my kids are learning about things that are way beyond their years. my son is emulating his father and I can't control what he is exposed to whether we are together or not. I can't be everywhere all the time. i have to work. i have to provide and to do that i need reliability around me. i need to have time to take care of myself. i need to laugh, love, cry
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOL WILL HELP WITH THIS?
no idea- i don't believe in higher powers so that's a problem. I believe the random chaos of life can throw you just as much grace and shit! i am trying to submit to the process but feel as if there is a conversion process. i appreciate the overall notion of "helping yourself and the sky will help you"
does this make sense? on thing about the internet is that it is like talking to the big wide space...the universe
I hear your terrible pain and sadness. I too have felt as you do and that is when I first entered the rooms of alanon. I did not believe in a Higher Power and could not let go to that entity. It was suggested that I use the alanon program and principles as a power greater than myself. That made sense. I could see that the alanon tools and principles could work for me and had worked for many. I decided to place my Faith in this program and move through the Steps.
.
The program tools have replaced all the old negative destructive attitudes that I developed while living with and coping with this dreadful disease I urge you to keep showing up and trying
.We may be powerless over people , places and things but we are not Helpless.We have tremendous power over ourselves, our thoughts , actions and re actions.
Please keep coming back and sharing
Thanks for your words of wisdom Betty. That can work for me! :)
i am new to this forum,and as my group says with delight to me..i am not the newbie anymore..lol..that was 8 months ago.
how my life has changed in just 8 short months.
Kihag....you have moved me to write here on this page tonight. I came here to get a better understanding on the first step,as tomorrow morning i am chairing at my meeting. because it it the 1st month of the year..we talk about the 1st step..
believe me when i tell you..you are not alone. like you when i first entered the doors of my first Alanon meeting i was confused,depleted, distaught,teary eyed and felt like i had no where else to turn. IT is my understanding that my husband has an issue with alcohol and because of that..i do as well.....and our son has an issue with alchohol and drugs...that has been on going for 10 years now.
Like you i had to control everything and everyone in my life..so that people who look in on my life saw everything was great perfect.......i wasn't even aware that ,this was the person i had become....and if i didn't get my way..boy was i mad..i drove me crazy..All the ranting and raving
when my boy stole money out of our account..i tried to control that situation... for nearly 10 years. when i would yell and scream and cry to my husband..why are you drinkng and driving if something ever happens you will leave me with the mess to clean up
don't you love your family,,don't you love me. don't you care about yourself. i can see now..of course he does... it truly is a disease
it is only by the grace of my higher power..that i am learning the steps this program offers, in my own way.. ..
The first step talks about powerlessness and how our lives have been unmanageable.
WEll i am powerless over most everything in my life.......except me..... My life may have been unmanagable..but through going to meetings and sharing and most importantly listening...i don't think i ever really listened before i started going to meetings.....my life's problems never go away..but using tools such as the slogans or prayer or sponsorship or going to meetings..my unmanageable life is managable now..and with lots of hope, and gratutde..it shows me that there is another way to look ,to see things clearly for myself through my own eyes and no one elses.My thoughts..the way i fold the laundry, the way i make dinner for my family the way i do my hair... doesn't have to make sense to anyone else but they do have to make sense to me.
As for believeing in a higher power..well that was an easy one for me. i grew up catholic..but when i was raised "GOD" was seen as someone who punishes for wrong doings..I was a bad person full of remorse if i didn't do "as i was told" So being able to say Let go and Let god was a totally new concept for me.Now i can hardly wait to say hello to him every day. and i do it in a very special way.. i see my self as a small child and i stand in front of him his hands are in front of me as if i could climb right into them..and then i give him all my worries or all my hopes and my prayers, and place them in his hands, for just that day and he takes them and then i climb into his hands and he raises them to his face and i give him the biggest hug and then i lay in his hands and he kisses my face and cradles me. i am a 48 year old women and it makes me happy He is becoming my dear friend , something i couldn't comprehend all my life.he has always been my friend.... not someone i should fear..and i am so greatful!! for all the opportunities this programm has given me..it's all just for me
i won't pretend it has been easy and that things are all honky dory because they aren't. the road is long and treacherous sometimes but thats ok.....good days and bad days.....one day at a time.
Yes i am powerless over people places and things but i am not powerless over myself in what i choose for myself.
just keep coming back because you are so worth it...we all are
you may learn as i am learning... that it is a living programe that helps those who help themselves at their own pace ,with their higher powers own time line...
thanks for listening i realy hope this helps you understand that you can have happiness however small it may be in your day
blessings to you and your family
jojo
JoJO
Thank you fro your clarity and powerful share. Glad you joined us and do hope your meeting went well
I have to admit I am a little nervous about this. I have been attending Al-Anon for about a year and a half, but I have not gotten a sponsor nor worked the steps. There has already been a great deal of improvement in my attitude and feelings since I have been going to meeting, but I know there is so much more to improve upon. I decided it was time to start truly working the program by starting to work the steps. I will sort through my answers to the questions and get those posted.
I am a 52 year old adult child of an alcoholic father. I grew up in a house with a lot of emotions, both good and bad. Some days where great and others were horrible. I tell people that growing up with my father was like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Such two different personalities. I did not realize how much my life with him affected my life today. I wish I had known sooner.
Anyway, I am excited (and nervous) about starting this new path in my journey.
DebbieB
Well, under my name it says "newbie" and I am new to the Step Work Board, but not to Al-anon face to face or MIP in general. Hotrod encouraged me to join this Board as I am also the chair for the Thursday night Step/Tradition meetings in the chat room on Thursdays at 9 p.m. E.S.T. We are now on Tradition 11, this next week, but I will be starting the Steps again in a couple of weeks, so thought it a good idea for me to "work the steps" once again with you guys!
I have been in Al-anon 20+ years now and have served in several local and district levels, as well as on this site. I feel like one of the most important things we can do as newbies, or old-timer's is to continue to work the steps and do service work. Other daily practices I have to stay in the program are to meditate daily and read my daily devotions. I, like hotrod, practice HALT a lot, as I'm currently caring for my elderly mother and need to still keep the focus on me. Just because i'm not living with an alcoholic anymore does not mean I can become complacent about my program, I am quick to slide back into old behaviors if I do.
My own personal story is this: I started working a 12 step program 22 1/2 years ago in the ACOA program, funny thing is I wasn't the Adult Child of an Alcoholic! LOL I started going to ACOA after my second divorce from my second alcoholic husband, on the suggestion from a friend. At first I attended ACOA with this girlfriend and another girlfriend; then I started dating an ACOA myself and we started going together. This man became my third husband, and this marriage taught me more about the Family disease of alcoholism than any other marriage I had been through. After he and I attended ACOA meetings together for a year, I decided I was becoming too co-dependent on him (and he on me) and that ACOA had become more of a place to "co-miserate" about our problems instead of solve them. I wanted to stay in the "solution" not the "problem", so I started attending Al-Anon at this time. That was in Octoboer of 1991! I continued to work the program throughout that marriage which lasted almost 12 years. I basically raised our daughter (now almost 16) in this program, and although she doesn't want to go to alateen, because according to her "her problems aren't as bad as those kids who are 'living with a drunk', I beg to differ... but this is a program of 'attraction not promotion' so I refrain from 'pushing her' until she is ready to see the benefits to her, for herself. Unfortunately the marriage did not survive the disease. Although this particular husband did not suffer from alcoholism, he did suffer from the "effects" of growing up with an alcoholic father who physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually and psychologically abused him. During the course of a year of legal seperation (and a longer time of just regular seperation) the marriage ended in divorce when I discovered that he had a problem with pornagraphy, which also included child pornagraphy. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. My story should end here, but it doesn't. A year after this marriage was over, I started dating another alcoholic, a dry drunk. We eventually married a year later. I thought, "I have my program, he isn't drinking. I can handle this, because I love him." NOT! This marriage ended after three years, that was August 25th of 2009, and the date of my "Relationship with Myself and my HP" began!
Ok, now for the questions:
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL?
Yes! most equivacably! If there is anything that the last 20+ years has taught me it is this: I am powerless over people, places and things, as well as alcoholism.
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWERLESS OVER? yes!
1. my four ex-husbands
2. My 90 year old mother's Alzheimer's
3. my daughter's decisions
4. my financial situation
5. the weather (just went through two blizzards here in Missouri)
6. our national government
7. my ex-fil the pedafile (who is 71)
8. my third ex-husband's family of origin who still live in denial that the pedifile is a threat to their children't well being and safety, despite his age
9. professional's who don't believe in 12-step programs (this happened a long time ago, not so much today, but still makes me angry)
10. my own family, friends and 'the church' who have abandoned me in the hour of my greatest need - caring for my mom
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN TO ME?
For me today, it means that I am powerless over people, places and things that are making my life unmanageable: my mom's illness, the fact that I am a single mom raising a daughter and caring for my mom at the same time; in the 'sandwich generation'. I am basically powerless over everything but me. the only one who does have any power is the God of my understanding.
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY?
I can start by changing what I can... me. practice halt. H - Am I hungry? eat. A - Am i angry? journal it, call my sponsor, do some physical activity. L -Lonley? Go to a f2f meeting, go to MIP chat, call someone on my "phone list" from my f2f group. t - Tired? Take a nap. Get somone to help with mom, even if I have to Pay them myself! i need to take care of me! or there won't be anyone to take care of mom or daughter.
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE?
It is unmanageable in a mirad of ways, all of which relate not to an alcoholic, but the disease of alzheimer's. I have found that this program works "in all my affairs", not just one...
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOL WILL HELP WITH THIS?
Well, I already mentioned halt, but I will say it again! :) Other slogans that help me with mom's alzheimer's are: this too shall pass. just for today. let go and let god. breathe.
but for the grace of god, there go I. (this disease, like alcoholism, is generational) take a daily inventory of "the things that I can change" ... ME.
first things first. keep it simple. and the biggest one of all... live odaat!
other than slogans and the serenity prayer (which I say repeatedly throughout the day), one of the biggest program tools I us to help with this is service work. a good book to read about service work is when I got busy I got better. but any level of service work is good... making coffee at a f2f meeting, greeting newies, chairing meetings, and service positions at the district and area levels and on up!
Thanks for bringing my attention to the step board once again hotrod. I will try to work on step two next!
Lisa (Overcome)
-- Edited by Overcome on Saturday 2nd of March 2013 12:45:25 PM
Dear Lisa
Thank you for your honesty and clarity Your are so right on -- We must continue to work these steps throughout our lives in order to continue to remain spiritually alive and awake
Love your share
Betty
DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL? Yes
CAN I LIST 10 THINGS I AM POWeRLESS OVER?
1 What his family thinks of me
2 If he uses drugs
3 What he says to me
4 What other people say to me
5 What he does at work
6 Whether or not he pays his probation
7 If he gets fired
8 What other people think of me
9 If he chooses to break the law
10 If people believe what I say
WHAT DOES BEING POWERLESS MEAN to ME?
It means I have to learn to not care about what happens. I have to learn that I cannot control what other people do. I can only control myself, how I feel, what I do, what I think.
HOW CAN I LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL TODAY? I need to stop thinking about other people all of the time. I need to think about myself. I need to pray more.
HOW IS MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE? I am very depressed, at a very low point, I am so angry I want to physically hurt somebody. Sometimes I find myself taking out my anger on my daughter by saying mean things to her. I lash out at others, especially him and his family. I think all of the time about what people think of me. It is exhausting. I wish I didnt care what people thought about me. I am always afraid they are mad at me or think bad things about me. I argue constantly with my AH. We have a terrible relationship that makes home life almost unbearable.
WHAT SMALL PROGRAM TOOL WILL HELP WITH THIS? HALT, hungry then eat, Angry then call al anon sponsor, lonely then go to a meeting, tired then rest I need a lot of tools right now. I need a sponsor but have no meetings to go to. I am hoping he will let me go to meetings at night and watch our daughter. But I doubt he will agree to this. Well see. I should pray more. But I feel so disconnected from my HP. Mostly, I just feel anger. After anger I feel mostly despair.
Thank you Nicole
The Steps are the key to recoverry. Step one is difficult and you have taken it with much honesty and willingness.
I hope that you will be able to find a meeting in the afternoon that you can attend. If not try the on line meetings here. They help to break the isolation and the support enriches your life.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 7th of March 2013 01:27:28 AM