1: We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
It sounds so simple, but it's hard.
I was at first unaware of my behaviors at all, other than to notice that things kept going wrong. It's like that one poster says "The one thing all your failed relationships have in common is you." So in the course of therapy I was introduced to both the concepts of co-dependency, which almost fit, and then being an adult child of an alcoholic, which did fit.
I had been trying to fix it myself in and out of therapy. In this regard I thought pretty highly of myself. I could fix me. I was sure of it. Except that I was living the evidence that I couldn't. Once I realized there was a why I was the way that I was, I found comfort in taking this step. I needed help and it felt good to totally admit it.
DavidG said
Oct 23, 2012
Hi, David, proud to be ACA.
I grew up thinking I could fix myself by myself. Mr Goody-two-shoes... independent, self- reliant.
I was at Alanon last night- we have an assembly coming up and I am the GR, just for now. The assembly is being hosted by our tiny group. I was talking about the assembly coming up the coming weekend. Then someone just said- the assembly is two weekends away. DoH!
I get angry, twisted and confused like this all of the time. In my toxic family there weren't those conversations about where and when and how. I just boxed on going from trial to error.
I am so grateful for my recovery family... for the mommy, daddy and child programmes... where I kin learn to be myself... and can make simple obvious errors... and walk away from them without shame!
Thanks James...
-David.
Bea said
Oct 23, 2012
I am new to ACOA...my mother is a recovering alcoholic and my father was only as he said a "heavy drinker". I was raised by my grandparents on my father's side...my grandmother was an alcoholic and my grandfather was a dry drunk. My bother also fell into the trap. As for me...I took care of everyone. I am working Step 1 and today I feel angry...
I bought the ACOA big book and have been reading it. I also have the workbook but the more I read and write the angrier I get. My therapist told me that I would feel this way. I don't like it...I don't like it at all...
I am looking foward to moving through my recovery and working the steps. I look forward to the day when I can see things with more clarity and in a more positive direction. I am the responsible child. I took care of my bother, my mother, my father, my grandmother, and my grandfather...I never took very good care of me. Now that I am a mom, I saw life in the third person almost with my son. I married an addict and the cycle continued. I recently left my husband, moved out on my own, and decided to get my son into Al-non and me into ACOA. I don't want my son to have the life I had.
-- Edited by Bea on Tuesday 23rd of October 2012 02:26:58 PM
whendoesitgetbetter said
Oct 24, 2012
I still want to believe that I can fix my life. I am having the hardest time accepting this. Until I do, I can't really move on. I just keep thinking if I try harder; if I'm a better daughter, wife, mother, friend, coworker - my life will be ok. How do I quit trying? I'd like to ask for help...but I'm afraid to trust...afraid to be weak...afraid to be vulnerable. So I just keep soldiering through. But I find myself sinking deeper and deeper.
JamesCT said
Oct 25, 2012
whendoesitgetbetter wrote:
I still want to believe that I can fix my life. I am having the hardest time accepting this. Until I do, I can't really move on. I just keep thinking if I try harder; if I'm a better daughter, wife, mother, friend, coworker - my life will be ok. How do I quit trying? I'd like to ask for help...but I'm afraid to trust...afraid to be weak...afraid to be vulnerable. So I just keep soldiering through. But I find myself sinking deeper and deeper.
Here's a way to look at it. Imagine you fell into a deep pit with very smooth sides against which you could find no leverage. The pit is too deep for you to just leap out of. The walls, as I said, are too smooth to climb. You have no utility belt like Batman. But you are able to speak. If you want out of the pit, what do you do? You stop trying to do it alone and cry for help. It would not be a failure of you as a human being in my scenario to call for help. And it is no failure to cry for help in this one.
If someone gave you an anchored rope, you'd pull yourself out of that pit. But you won't get the anchored rope unless you cry for help.
As long as you want to get out of the hole, there's no shame in needing help to do it.
Bea said
Oct 25, 2012
I feel the same way...I just keep telling myself to be better to be perfect...that is why I decided to join the forums and go to meetings. I knew this in the end was going to destroy me. Since we feel shame and abandonment, it is that much harder to ask for help to reach out because so many of us are used to no one reaching back. It is hard for me to ask for help as well. You are here so something brought you to this place and this group and that is reaching out...many are reaching back...
Bea said
Oct 25, 2012
I was working Step I yesterday and I read something that meant so much to me...it really helped me see a few things I didn't see before...it is from the ACOA big book...
"while many adult children appear cheerful, helpful, or self-sufficient, most live in fear of their parents and spouses in in addition to fearing an employer"...I have lived in fear my whole adult life. I was afraid to go out at times. I was afraid of my bosses over the years and have actually quit jobs because I felt I was going to get let go for being who I was and that my work wasn't as good as others. I have a lot of limiting beliefs about myself. I don't sleep with the windows open and I lock myself away all the time. I was a successful business owner at one point and sold it because I didn't want to stand up for what I wanted and say no.
"shame is the deep sense that our souls are inherently flawed. Abandonment means more than beingl eft alone or left at a doorstep." I now know that Step I is the place I need to start and work because I admit I was powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that my lives is (had become) unmanageable.
I am thankful to be here....
flopadopilus said
Nov 15, 2012
As I worked my program things started to click and work themselves out. I read all I could and attended every meeting I could get to and now I am more Spiritual than ever. Of course my life was unmanageable and coming to Al-anon at my bottom things have only gotten better. I admit there is so much beyond my control my very dysfunctional family and my exAH.
poppy18 said
Dec 31, 2012
I know this thread hasn't been visited for a while, but I'd like to start working the steps.
My life has become unmanageable. The worst part is knowing that I'm doing this to myself...and I can't stop. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters and there was a real peace in my life. And it made me soooo uncomfortable. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and when it didn't I took it off and threw it myself.
I think I should be able to be a good person and enjoy the blessings in my life. Blaming it on my upbringing feels like a cop-out. It's tough.
I am powerless. I feel weak and humiliated for admitting it. I feel sick and lost and dishonest. Why can't I fix myself?
JamesCT said
Jan 1, 2013
poppy18 wrote:
I know this thread hasn't been visited for a while, but I'd like to start working the steps.
My life has become unmanageable. The worst part is knowing that I'm doing this to myself...and I can't stop. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters and there was a real peace in my life. And it made me soooo uncomfortable. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and when it didn't I took it off and threw it myself.
I think I should be able to be a good person and enjoy the blessings in my life. Blaming it on my upbringing feels like a cop-out. It's tough.
I am powerless. I feel weak and humiliated for admitting it. I feel sick and lost and dishonest. Why can't I fix myself?
Because, as in my analogy, you have fallen into a hole deeper than your ability to leave under your own power. It's like asking a doctor to set his own broken arm, particularly if it is his dominant one. You can't fix yourself because the problem is larger than you.
poppy18 said
Jan 2, 2013
Thank you. Intellectually I understand what you are saying. Plus, the evidence is all around me. I guess its silly to think I can do it alone.
lostinoz said
Feb 24, 2013
After being here for weeks and mulling it all over, taking it all in, I finally did step one. I found it a bit hard to keep focussed on me, without putting in the victim me. The hurts are still raw and angry, so it leaked in here and there. I am trying to illiminate that, and I will keep trying. It's hard not to want to defend why I have kept doing the unhealthy behaviours. I want to defend myself. BUT, i got through it, and now i'm mulling it over, taking it all in, and streamling it. Hopefully, I will get better at this.
JamesCT said
Feb 26, 2013
lostinoz wrote:
After being here for weeks and mulling it all over, taking it all in, I finally did step one. I found it a bit hard to keep focussed on me, without putting in the victim me. The hurts are still raw and angry, so it leaked in here and there. I am trying to illiminate that, and I will keep trying. It's hard not to want to defend why I have kept doing the unhealthy behaviours. I want to defend myself. BUT, i got through it, and now i'm mulling it over, taking it all in, and streamling it. Hopefully, I will get better at this.
Congratulations on starting. You will find threads here where we discuss each of the steps. If you'd like feedback as you do them, feel free to post to them.
It's quite an ego blow to realize that you cannot do it yourself, especially since our FOO creates an expectation in us that we can and have to do it all ourselves (since the FOO is unreliable and unspportive).
Wow, just had an epiphany there. Apparently I have intellectually known what I just typed to you, but for the first time I felt that, all the emotions behind constantly having to be more reliable and in charge than a kid should have to be.
I need to process this a bit more myself. Thanks.
Tasha said
Feb 26, 2013
James - I think I heard the audible 'click' that's awesome! It's a life changing moment for an adult child to know the real "why" of it all - and I love to see this for others... I'm happy for you : )
Dee - that was a great reflection post, reaching out and reaching out some more... awesome!
lostinoz said
Feb 27, 2013
Thank you James and Tasha for responding. It helps to know people care, that's for sure. I don't know why, but every now and again, I feel afraid in the meetings, or not so much afraid as lost, or confused. But I hope that now I have started, things will get better for me there. Cheers.
From the ACA Steps:
1: We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
It sounds so simple, but it's hard.
I was at first unaware of my behaviors at all, other than to notice that things kept going wrong. It's like that one poster says "The one thing all your failed relationships have in common is you." So in the course of therapy I was introduced to both the concepts of co-dependency, which almost fit, and then being an adult child of an alcoholic, which did fit.
I had been trying to fix it myself in and out of therapy. In this regard I thought pretty highly of myself. I could fix me. I was sure of it. Except that I was living the evidence that I couldn't. Once I realized there was a why I was the way that I was, I found comfort in taking this step. I needed help and it felt good to totally admit it.
Hi, David, proud to be ACA.
I grew up thinking I could fix myself by myself. Mr Goody-two-shoes... independent, self- reliant.
I was at Alanon last night- we have an assembly coming up and I am the GR, just for now. The assembly is being hosted by our tiny group. I was talking about the assembly coming up the coming weekend. Then someone just said- the assembly is two weekends away. DoH!
I get angry, twisted and confused like this all of the time. In my toxic family there weren't those conversations about where and when and how. I just boxed on going from trial to error.
I am so grateful for my recovery family... for the mommy, daddy and child programmes... where I kin learn to be myself... and can make simple obvious errors... and walk away from them without shame!
Thanks James...
-David.
I am new to ACOA...my mother is a recovering alcoholic and my father was only as he said a "heavy drinker". I was raised by my grandparents on my father's side...my grandmother was an alcoholic and my grandfather was a dry drunk. My bother also fell into the trap. As for me...I took care of everyone. I am working Step 1 and today I feel angry...
I bought the ACOA big book and have been reading it. I also have the workbook but the more I read and write the angrier I get. My therapist told me that I would feel this way. I don't like it...I don't like it at all...
I am looking foward to moving through my recovery and working the steps. I look forward to the day when I can see things with more clarity and in a more positive direction. I am the responsible child. I took care of my bother, my mother, my father, my grandmother, and my grandfather...I never took very good care of me. Now that I am a mom, I saw life in the third person almost with my son. I married an addict and the cycle continued. I recently left my husband, moved out on my own, and decided to get my son into Al-non and me into ACOA. I don't want my son to have the life I had.
-- Edited by Bea on Tuesday 23rd of October 2012 02:26:58 PM
I still want to believe that I can fix my life. I am having the hardest time accepting this. Until I do, I can't really move on. I just keep thinking if I try harder; if I'm a better daughter, wife, mother, friend, coworker - my life will be ok. How do I quit trying? I'd like to ask for help...but I'm afraid to trust...afraid to be weak...afraid to be vulnerable. So I just keep soldiering through. But I find myself sinking deeper and deeper.
Here's a way to look at it. Imagine you fell into a deep pit with very smooth sides against which you could find no leverage. The pit is too deep for you to just leap out of. The walls, as I said, are too smooth to climb. You have no utility belt like Batman. But you are able to speak. If you want out of the pit, what do you do? You stop trying to do it alone and cry for help. It would not be a failure of you as a human being in my scenario to call for help. And it is no failure to cry for help in this one.
If someone gave you an anchored rope, you'd pull yourself out of that pit. But you won't get the anchored rope unless you cry for help.
As long as you want to get out of the hole, there's no shame in needing help to do it.
I feel the same way...I just keep telling myself to be better to be perfect...that is why I decided to join the forums and go to meetings. I knew this in the end was going to destroy me. Since we feel shame and abandonment, it is that much harder to ask for help to reach out because so many of us are used to no one reaching back. It is hard for me to ask for help as well. You are here so something brought you to this place and this group and that is reaching out...many are reaching back...
"while many adult children appear cheerful, helpful, or self-sufficient, most live in fear of their parents and spouses in in addition to fearing an employer"...I have lived in fear my whole adult life. I was afraid to go out at times. I was afraid of my bosses over the years and have actually quit jobs because I felt I was going to get let go for being who I was and that my work wasn't as good as others. I have a lot of limiting beliefs about myself. I don't sleep with the windows open and I lock myself away all the time. I was a successful business owner at one point and sold it because I didn't want to stand up for what I wanted and say no.
"shame is the deep sense that our souls are inherently flawed. Abandonment means more than beingl eft alone or left at a doorstep." I now know that Step I is the place I need to start and work because I admit I was powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that my lives is (had become) unmanageable.
I am thankful to be here....
My life has become unmanageable. The worst part is knowing that I'm doing this to myself...and I can't stop. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters and there was a real peace in my life. And it made me soooo uncomfortable. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and when it didn't I took it off and threw it myself.
I think I should be able to be a good person and enjoy the blessings in my life. Blaming it on my upbringing feels like a cop-out. It's tough.
I am powerless. I feel weak and humiliated for admitting it. I feel sick and lost and dishonest. Why can't I fix myself?
Because, as in my analogy, you have fallen into a hole deeper than your ability to leave under your own power. It's like asking a doctor to set his own broken arm, particularly if it is his dominant one. You can't fix yourself because the problem is larger than you.
After being here for weeks and mulling it all over, taking it all in, I finally did step one. I found it a bit hard to keep focussed on me, without putting in the victim me. The hurts are still raw and angry, so it leaked in here and there. I am trying to illiminate that, and I will keep trying. It's hard not to want to defend why I have kept doing the unhealthy behaviours. I want to defend myself. BUT,
i got through it, and now i'm mulling it over, taking it all in, and streamling it. Hopefully, I will get better at this.
Congratulations on starting. You will find threads here where we discuss each of the steps. If you'd like feedback as you do them, feel free to post to them.
It's quite an ego blow to realize that you cannot do it yourself, especially since our FOO creates an expectation in us that we can and have to do it all ourselves (since the FOO is unreliable and unspportive).
Wow, just had an epiphany there. Apparently I have intellectually known what I just typed to you, but for the first time I felt that, all the emotions behind constantly having to be more reliable and in charge than a kid should have to be.
I need to process this a bit more myself. Thanks.
Dee - that was a great reflection post, reaching out and reaching out some more... awesome!