4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
This one always seems to be the show stopper. There are many reasons. For one, we might not want to do this step just because of how many things we'd have to write down we might end up with writer's cramp. More seriously, for us we fear it will mimic the blaming and put-downs we experienced in our FOO. I took a long time to do this step myself because of this. However, I went to the workbook and found that it didn't have to go as I had feared. And that's because of a key principle: blamelessness.
We're not here to indict in Step 4. We're here to simply but fully acknowledge what we've done (and what was done to us as well). We're not concerned with blame at this step. We simply seek full knowledge and comprehension.
To get you started, begin with this Yellow Workbook exercise. Below, find the Laundry List. Note the ones you identify with and write how they apply to you.
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
It's okay if you don't relate to each one. Just write about the ones that do apply to you.
Magdalena760 said
Dec 8, 2012
Hi!
My nme is Maggie and I am an adult child and an alcoholic. I have been in AA before, but feel much better in ACoA. I have done step 1-3, feels great! Previously I have also done some work at step 4, within AA. Not I am doing it all with ACoA. I just don´t understand how to do it, and I need some help. I have the (Swedish) steps workbook. There it is three columns to fill out. For example about fear.
I feel fear when... This makes me... This affects me....
I understand the firts column. I am supposed to write down all the reasons and situations when I feel fear But then what? "This" makes me... do they mean my fear or other people, places, and situations? Am I supposed to write down;
"I feel fear when mr Nano is angry. Mr Nanos anger makes me hide. His anger makes me in feel unsecure ."
or am I supposed to focus only at me?
"I feel fear when mr Nano is angry. My fear makes me hide. My fear and my way of hiding makes me feel unsecure and it makes me stop developing and taking risks."
How do I do it?
Thanks
Maggie
-- Edited by Magdalena760 on Saturday 8th of December 2012 03:01:00 PM
DavidG said
Dec 9, 2012
Hi Maggie,
James says it all... this IS a time to go easy on ourselves.
I am doing ACA Step 4 with a fellow traveller right his moment.
It is a tough step to get through, but a good challenge. For me it is about letting go and releasing emotion.
This is a gentle excercise. I think it helps to remember Step 3. To take time out to relax and meditate.
Speaking the issues out loud, as you are doing, is good. Do you have a frend in ACA, or a sponsor to help guide you along?
DavidG
New Zealand.
JamesCT said
Dec 11, 2012
Magdalena760 wrote:
Hi!
My nme is Maggie and I am an adult child and an alcoholic. I have been in AA before, but feel much better in ACoA. I have done step 1-3, feels great! Previously I have also done some work at step 4, within AA. Not I am doing it all with ACoA. I just don´t understand how to do it, and I need some help. I have the (Swedish) steps workbook. There it is three columns to fill out. For example about fear.
I feel fear when... This makes me... This affects me....
I understand the firts column. I am supposed to write down all the reasons and situations when I feel fear But then what? "This" makes me... do they mean my fear or other people, places, and situations? Am I supposed to write down;
"I feel fear when mr Nano is angry. Mr Nanos anger makes me hide. His anger makes me in feel unsecure ."
or am I supposed to focus only at me?
"I feel fear when mr Nano is angry. My fear makes me hide. My fear and my way of hiding makes me feel unsecure and it makes me stop developing and taking risks."
How do I do it?
Thanks
Maggie
-- Edited by Magdalena760 on Saturday 8th of December 2012 03:01:00 PM
How I would complete the exercise outlined above is as follows:
I feel fear when I have to tell my spouse something she will not want to hear. This makes me keep silent on important issues and acquiesce to her point of view. This affects me by creating a toxic cloud over my relationship and harms my self-esteem.
Your examples look like you pretty well get it. I would continue as you are doing.
flopadopilus said
Dec 25, 2012
7 guilt and 10 have trouble expressing from the questions above still ring true within me and are what I choose to hand over at this point.
4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
This one always seems to be the show stopper. There are many reasons. For one, we might not want to do this step just because of how many things we'd have to write down we might end up with writer's cramp. More seriously, for us we fear it will mimic the blaming and put-downs we experienced in our FOO. I took a long time to do this step myself because of this. However, I went to the workbook and found that it didn't have to go as I had feared. And that's because of a key principle: blamelessness.
We're not here to indict in Step 4. We're here to simply but fully acknowledge what we've done (and what was done to us as well). We're not concerned with blame at this step. We simply seek full knowledge and comprehension.
To get you started, begin with this Yellow Workbook exercise. Below, find the Laundry List. Note the ones you identify with and write how they apply to you.
It's okay if you don't relate to each one. Just write about the ones that do apply to you.
Hi!
My nme is Maggie and I am an adult child and an alcoholic. I have been in AA before, but feel much better in ACoA. I have done step 1-3, feels great! Previously I have also done some work at step 4, within AA. Not I am doing it all with ACoA. I just don´t understand how to do it, and I need some help. I have the (Swedish) steps workbook. There it is three columns to fill out. For example about fear.
I feel fear when... This makes me... This affects me....
I understand the firts column. I am supposed to write down all the reasons and situations when I feel fear But then what? "This" makes me... do they mean my fear or other people, places, and situations? Am I supposed to write down;
"I feel fear when mr Nano is angry. Mr Nanos anger makes me hide. His anger makes me in feel unsecure ."
or am I supposed to focus only at me?
"I feel fear when mr Nano is angry. My fear makes me hide. My fear and my way of hiding makes me feel unsecure and it makes me stop developing and taking risks."
How do I do it?
Thanks
Maggie
-- Edited by Magdalena760 on Saturday 8th of December 2012 03:01:00 PM
Hi Maggie,
James says it all... this IS a time to go easy on ourselves.
I am doing ACA Step 4 with a fellow traveller right his moment.
It is a tough step to get through, but a good challenge. For me it is about letting go and releasing emotion.
This is a gentle excercise. I think it helps to remember Step 3. To take time out to relax and meditate.
Speaking the issues out loud, as you are doing, is good. Do you have a frend in ACA, or a sponsor to help guide you along?
DavidG
New Zealand.
How I would complete the exercise outlined above is as follows:
I feel fear when I have to tell my spouse something she will not want to hear. This makes me keep silent on important issues and acquiesce to her point of view. This affects me by creating a toxic cloud over my relationship and harms my self-esteem.
Your examples look like you pretty well get it. I would continue as you are doing.